Learning to Live Again
by gypsysue
Summary: Edward has lived through hell, abused and controlled by his ex, can he discover love again and heal from his past. AH/Slash Edward/Jacob Warning this fic deals with abuse.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover from the abuse. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**This fic will be updated weekly, unless something goes wrong lol... this first chapter is small, but following chapters will be larger.**

**Okay on with the story.**

* * *

Over

EPOV

The sound of the door slamming shut alerted me to the fact that I wasn't alone anymore. Fear coursed through my system as the footsteps echoed down the hall, leading to our bedroom. The smell of alcohol and aftershave permeated from him; the scent was definitely not his. I knew what would happen if I opened my mouth, so I gritted my teeth, trying to resist the urge to say a word as he walked into the room.

Words bubbled in my chest and rose without my consent, "You were with him again. Why bother coming back? It's obvious you don't want to be here." I knew it was coming seconds before I felt the impact. The force of the blow sent my body slamming into the dresser and I slid down to the floor.

Thoughts of past performances danced through my mind as I rose to my feet and took another beating from the man who claimed to love me; the many broken bones and bruises inflicted upon me on other occasions playing like a movie in front of me. As my lover said the words he always repeated whenever he hit me, I knew that _this_ beating would be worse than the rest.

"Don't you dare question me! I own you; you are mine to do with as I please!" The words spilled from his mouth like venom as his fist connected with my stomach.

My body crumpled to the floor again, and I could feel the blackness coming for me. I welcomed it; the faster it came the quicker the pain would end. Why did I let this happen to myself? I could spend hours giving all the excuses in the world, but in the end it didn't matter.

His foot connected with my face once, causing my head to snap back, and my hands flew up to protect my head. That's when I felt blows to my unprotected torso; one, two, three. My breath rushed harshly out of me as grunts of pain escaped along with the air.

He wasn't always like this. Deep down I knew he loved me, but no matter what I told myself, nothing justified what was happening to me. I was cut off, alone. My parents died long before I met him, and my friends all drifted away as he slowly, but surely, took control of my life, of me.

I felt myself being lifted gently in his arms as he lay down beside me, pulling me up to his chest to cradle me, his hands brushing lovingly through my hair.

"I'm sorry baby, you know I love you. Why do you make me do these things?" They were the last words I heard as I finally sank into the deep blackness of unconsciousness.

Shooting pain coursed through my body causing the sudden shift into consciousness. My body was screaming at me, and I knew that the damage done this time was more extensive than ever before. I coughed, blood filling my hand, and I shifted slightly, wincing as my body protested the move. My surroundings became clear; my head was resting on his chest, his arm wrapped around me in what could be perceived as a protective position, but I knew better. This was possessive, keeping me locked to him. My head shifted to see the clock on the bedside table; five in the morning. I had been unconscious for two hours, that couldn't be good. Noticing our position on the floor, I glanced up at his face. His lips were parted slightly, a light snore leaving his mouth with every exhale.

Determination coursed through my system as the words '_get out__'_ echoed through my head. I knew I needed to leave him; I knew it was time. All the love I once carried for this man was gone; it left me completely after last night, his words of love causing my system to involuntarily retch. All I had was the secret stash of money I kept hidden from him and a few articles of clothing. One small suitcase would contain my life, all twenty two years of it. I had nowhere to go, no one to turn to, but that mattered little to me at this point; anywhere was better than here. Carefully, I slid out of his grasp, holding still every time he grunted or moved. It took me four attempts to finally make it to my feet. Blood surrounded me, I was covered in it, but my determination grew. I packed my belongings as quickly and quietly as possible.

A small smile tugged at my lips as I held my head high and walked out the door without a backward glance. Pain rocketed through my system, but the adrenaline of what I was doing made it possible for me to keep going. I hailed a cab, climbed inside and made my way to begin my new life.

* * *

**The Fandom Gives Back is an awesome thing, you all should check it out and bid on stuff up for auction. You can bid on me, I have two one shots up for grabs, you choose the pairings, the storyline, whatever, you want it I will write it. There are a heap of authors offering themselves up so go bid and help a great cause, Alex's Lemonade Stand, raising money for childhood cancer.**

**http://thefandomgivesback (dot) proboards (dot) com**


	2. Confessions

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover from the abuse. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**This fic will be updated weekly, unless something goes wrong lol... this first chapter is small, but following chapters will be larger.**

**Okay on with the story.**

* * *

Confessions

EPOV

Today was just like any other day with the exception of the small, nagging feeling I had in the back of my mind that something big was about to happen. That thought terrified me completely. It's been five years since I left Sam; since I found the courage to leave a bad situation and make my life better. It was five years ago today, to be exact, that Alice Cullen and her boyfriend Jasper Whitlock had literally saved my life. Thanks to them and Alice's family, I had become a strong, independent man and an abuse counsellor. I spend my days helping others, just as I was helped in the beginning, and I couldn't be happier with my life. The only sour note was my love life.

Alice was forever trying to get me back on the dating horse and truly I did try, but the thought of letting someone else have control over me in any way was something I wasn't ready to deal with just yet. You may say five years is a long time to be holding on, but to me it was a drop in the bucket for the years of abuse I endured. Trust was something I didn't give away. I couldn't find it in myself to just open up and let people in; life wasn't a romance novel and the guy on the white horse never did show up and take me away to his castle. Alice would use Jasper's position as a cop to do a thorough background check in order to get the dirt on any potential love interest for me, then would send me out on a date that would always end up with the _let's be friends_ speech. Some of them I did actually stay friends with, and to this day, Seth - one of the first dates I went on - was a close personal friend of mine.

Work was a place of solace for me, my own personal therapy; my days never dragged and I never felt like I wanted to be somewhere else. I loved my job, I loved working with Esme, Alice's mother, and I loved being able to help gay men like myself deal with the aftermath of partner abuse. Hell, even straight men, who very rarely reported or sought help for spousal abuse, would come see me. My reputation had grown as one of the few counsellors that dealt mainly with male abuse, and I was surprised at the large number of men who suffered for years, just like I had, before they found the courage to get up and leave. A lot of the straight men had children to think about, and I was surprised by the amount of them that stayed in their relationships to protect their offspring, only leaving when the kids left for college. Many a time it was the children themselves that brought their fathers in to see me, pushing them to gain the freedom to live life again, and maybe find love.

In my four years as a counsellor I had been to three weddings, converted more men than I could count from being bigots to proud supporters of gay rights, and had seen twenty- two of my patients develop new relationships with the tools I'd taught them. This was the crux for Alice's meddling, her comments were always the same spiel, _if they can do it so can you, _and _practice what you preach _being her favoured lines. So when Alice called me up at work and told me she had a new date lined up for me that night, I was sure with her argument's ready in her mind I surprised her and myself by saying yes straight away and without hesitation. It was time, I was ready. This time instead of going through the motions with my speech of _let's be friends_ ready to go, I was going to give this my all, and what better time to start than the fifth anniversary of my new life.

"I can't believe you agreed to this with no arguments, you haven't even asked who it is." I had only walked through my front door five minutes prior to finding Alice already here, head buried in my closet.

"It's about time, don't you think?" There was a real question in my voice; I was concerned that I was making the wrong choice. I was conflicted, yes it was time, that I was convinced of, but I couldn't help the fear that pushed at the corners of my mind, the doubt that tried to take over, making me want to crawl under my covers and never come out.

"Yes indeed. You need to take your own advice and get back on that horse. What's the worst that can happen?" Alice flinched slightly at her words as my face twisted into a scowl; I knew exactly what the worst could be like. That thought right there almost made me change my mind, almost. Five years is a long time to go without the affection of a lover. I missed having a partner, someone to share my life with; these thoughts were foreign to me, unnerving in a way, and I wasn't sure where they were coming from. Today had been a strange day, something felt off, but right all at the same time. Maybe that's why I accepted this date right away; maybe that's why I was having thoughts of finding someone. My only hope was that I could pull it off. I still flinched when a male raised their hand around me, though my panic attacks had become less frequent, and I was feeling strong and self assured with all the self defense classes I took and all the work outs Emmett made me suffer through, I knew I still had a long way to go.

Emmett terrified me the first time I'd met him, he was a huge bulk of a man that towered over me. My reflex was to shrink into myself and try to hide, not an easy feat at six foot two. His voice was booming, vibrating the walls when he laughed, but to me, even his laughter was enough to send me into a panic attack. I still cringe to this day whenever he raises his voice too loudly, which isn't very often around me. Em learnt a long time ago how to act around me, putting me at ease around him and avoiding the mishap of our first meeting.

_It had been six months since Alice brought me home from the hospital; she had insisted I stay with her until I fully recovered. It was four in the afternoon when I heard a key in the door, which surprised me since Alice didn't get home until at least six. From my position on the couch, I turned my head, craning my neck slightly to greet her and ask why she was getting in so early, but my eyes greeted a six foot six man with rippling muscles and a booming voice. _

_"Alice, where are ya munchkin? I just got in from the airport and I'm tired, hungry, and in need of a shower. Where the hell..." His voice cut off when he saw me, eyebrows quirked in confusion as he stared me down. I cringed, pulling into myself as my body started to convulse. This man was huge and had a striking resemblance to... I cut that train of thought and tried to find my voice._

_"Who...um..are...you?" I stuttered out. My reaction must have sparked some kind of realization in him, his hands went up in the classic surrender pose and his voice softened when he spoke._

_"You must be Edward; I'm Emmett, Alice's brother." His steps were tentative as he drew closer to me. When he was right next to me his hand came down from their position, _ _and I panicked. I threw myself as far into the side of the couch as I could and a whimper left my lips. I could feel my body trembling violently as my mind ran through the techniques Esme had taught me, 'deep breaths Edward,' I told myself, 'He won't hurt you, you're safe.' The thoughts flew through my head, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't bring myself to calm. He was too familiar, his size, his shape, just his presence was intimidating, causing convulsions to rock through me in fear. The need to run was prevalent, but my body was frozen in place. My eyes were trained on him, watching closely, waiting for the moment of impact to arrive. His lips were moving fast, but my mind could not make out any sound._

_His arms stretched out, hands moving towards me, and my head turned swiftly, burying itself into the sofa as my body tried to shrink further into the leather. I'm not sure how much time passed, but at some point sound came back to me. Alice's voice was echoing through me, begging me to listen to her, to breathe, reminding me I was safe and she was here. I felt a male hand on me and my body relaxed almost immediately. Jasper. He was the only male capable of touching me. He would never hurt me; he saved me, him and Alice. His touch had calmed me from the first moment he picked me up from the sidewalk and carried me into the hospital. I turned my head to face him, trying to give him a small smile, but I failed miserably. He pulled me into his arms and rubbed my back gently, whispering soothing words to me. He was my salvation at times like these._

_"What happened?" I choked out in between sobs. It was at that moment I realized I was crying, tears falling freely from my eyes, my shirt soaked from the onslaught._

_"It's okay now, Edward, you're fine. Em here just freaked you out a bit it seems. I know he can be a bit intimidating, but in time I'm sure you will come to realize what we already know. He is just a giant teddy bear." Jasper chuckled at his own humor, and I smiled a little despite myself. That's when I realized what had happened- Emmett, Alice's brother, flashes of violence, waiting for the pain that never came._

_"Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I didn't... I don't... it's just..." I couldn't find the words, I tried so hard. Jasper's hand rubbed soothing circles on my back as I tried to collect myself._

_"It's okay, Edward, take your time. Breathe buddy." Jasper's comforting words echoed through me, his touch bringing my mind back into focus._

_"He's so big, Jasper, just like..." A hiccup left me as my breathing evened out and I sniffled._

_"I understand, Edward, I'm sure Em does too; he was just as surprised as you were."_

_"I'm sorry about that, Edward. I really didn't mean to startle you. I didn't think at all to be honest." His voice made me jump slightly and Jasper's hold on me tightened, reminding me I was safe and no one in this room would hurt me. I was disgusted with myself, revulsion running through my system at the thought of upsetting Alice's family after all she had done for me. I needed to grow a pair and face the fact that not everyone would hurt me like he had. _

_"No, Em," My grip tightened on Jasper as I sort the strength I needed to get through this. "I'm sorry for behaving so badly. I can't, I mean I don't..." I took a deep breath and tried to make a complete sentence. "I'm sorry." It was the best I could do, and I hung my head in shame at my failure._

_We spent the rest of the afternoon and most of the night talking, and it only took me an hour to be comfortable enough to release Jasper's hand in Em's presence, much to Jasper's relief. I found out later he needed to use the bathroom so badly but was terrified to tell me. _

A loud chuckle escaped me as I recalled that memory, causing Alice's head to snap up and look at me with a quizzical expression. "What exactly is so funny over there, Mr. Masen?"

"I was just recalling the first time I met Em." Another chuckle left me.

"I don't recall that being a very funny day, Edward." I could see the smile making its way to her lips no matter how much she tried to hold it at bay.

"Jasper was very funny as I recall - he needed to pee so badly, but refused to leave my side." At that comment Alice lost all control, laughter spilling out of her as the memory of it flashed through her mind.

"He was in pain, Edward; he was wincing by the end of that hour!" She guffawed as she spoke causing her voice to rise, "He needed to go so badly I think he even considered just peeing in his pants." She doubled over, clutching her stomach as she trembled with her laughter. Speak of the devil and he shall arrive.

"What's so funny in here you two." Jasper eyed us suspiciously, a small smile gracing his lips.

"We were just remembering the night Edward met Em." Alice's laughter was not dying down in the least; I think the sight of Jasper's frown as she mentioned that night added to our amusement. He was shaking his head, not happy at all about that night or the state I was in when he entered the apartment that day, but before he could say a word Alice clarified, reminding him of his need to pee moment. His laughter echoed through the room, increasing my own laughter in the process.

"That was terrible; I never want to suffer like that again. I actually thought my bladder exploded at one point." He chuckled, shaking his head and sighing as his laughter died down.

"So besides reliving one of my most painful moments, what are you two up too? Getting Edward ready for his big date with Jake?" My head snapped up at the name. I knew who Jacob was, I had seen him a few times with Jasper, and he scared the hell out of me the first time I had seen him. If I thought Em resembled Sam, then Jake could have been his brother. Both were big, with russet skin and jet black hair. Jasper had wanted to introduce me to him on many occasions, but I always refused. I couldn't get past the resemblance, it was too much. I never explained to Jasper or Alice why, I felt like a failure for it, but I think they knew something was off. Which lead me to wonder why they would do this to me now?

"Stop." The word flew out of my mouth much louder than expected, causing Alice and Jasper to look at me with concerned eyes. "This date tonight is with Jake, as in your partner Jake?" My voice shook as I spoke. God, even after five years he still haunted me, and just when I thought I was getting better, something would slap me back down. Jake was a cop, Jasper's partner, and from what I hear, a great guy, but he was too similar, too close. Straightening my back and pulling my focus to the here and now, I set my resolve and tried to make my voice stronger than I was feeling on the inside. "I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't." I turned on my heels swiftly and walked out of the room, determined to keep my inner conflict buried. Jasper hot on my trail. He placed both hands on my shoulders and stopped my motion, turning me to face him, I try to look him in the eye for as long as possible, but in the end, I can't hold it and drop my eyes to the floor.

"Please, Jasper, I can't. Please don't make me do this." I was pleading and I knew it, my voice losing its strength. There was no way I was strong enough for this just yet.

"Relax, Edward, it's okay, no one will make you do anything you don't want to." Looking up at him, I noticed his head was turned to the side, a slight scowl on his face. I followed his line of sight to see Alice standing there, her head bowed in shame.

"You didn't tell him who it was?" His tone was strong, but not too harsh;, he could never be really mad at Alice.

She sighed, shaking her head in the process, "No." It was a whisper from her lips. "Edward, what's wrong with Jake?" She asked with concern and a touch of curiosity laced in her voice. Alice knew my story, all of it, she coaxed it out of me during my weeks of recovering in the hospital. What she didn't know was his full name and what he looked like. I took a deep breath and steadied myself, reaching for Jasper as I always did when something painful was about to be said. He grabbed onto my hand and squeezed it in support.

"Alice… Jacob, well, he, um…" My eyes squeezed shut automatically as I tried to get the words out. Jasper raised his hand and placed it on my neck, holding firmly, his thumb rubbing gentle circles. I sighed lightly and continued. "Jake looks like Sam, not just a bit, but like they could be brothers." I heard a collective gasp fill the air, and I raised my head to look at the two of them; they looked stunned, shocked and a little confused.

"Edward." Jasper squeezed me to him tighter and took a deep breath. "This Sam, is his last name Uley?" It was my turn to gasp, and shock coursed through my system and a loud sob escaped me.

"How did you know his last name?" Grabbing hold of Jasper as if my life depended on it, I waited for them to fill me in.

"Alice, get me the phone, I will ring Jake and cancel. Edward, come on let's go sit on the couch, we have something to discuss." Dread rocked through me at the look on Jasper's face, it wasn't very often he held that look and it only meant one thing, bad news.

Taking a seat on the couch Alice handed Jasper the phone, he quickly dialed out Jake's number, cancelled the date and told him he would explain later. I heard the sigh from the other end of the phone as Jake said what sounded like he understood and then Jasper ended the call. He turned to me and cleared his throat, which in itself made me panic more; Jasper never cleared his throat.

"Just spit it out already. You know what this build-up is doing to my anxiety levels." I huffed out, starting to get slightly annoyed.

"There is a reason Jacob looks like Sam, Edward; Sam is Jacob's cousin." I'm sure the color drained from my face as my head started to feel dizzy. My breathing was coming out in shallow pants and not even Jasper's touch could contain me this time. The attack was coming on thick and fast, blackness started to overtake my vision, and I gasped for breath. My head filled with questions, but when I opened my mouth nothing came out. I barely made out Alice's voice on the phone telling Carlisle to get over here now, before everything went black.

My head was spinning as my eyes drifted open; I felt like I had just done ten rounds with Mike Tyson and then been hit by a Mack truck. Thoughts of what had cause my blackout rammed themselves back in my head, and my breathing picked up, harsh pants released themselves as I felt a hand squeeze mine. Looking over to see Jasper and Alice sitting by my bedside, I sighed, raising myself slightly and looking around, taking in my surroundings. Hospital room. What the hell.

"Why am I in the hospital? What the hell happened?"

"Oh, God, Edward, you have been out for just over twenty-four hours. We were starting to think you were never going to wake up." Alice's voice was laced with concern as she tried, without much success, to still the tears from falling.

"Twenty-four hours? How is that even possible?" The door opened as I finished my sentence to reveal Carlisle.

"You're mind couldn't cope with the stress of the information you learnt and decided it needed to take a little vacation from reality for a while." Carlisle chuckled slightly at his own humor. I myself didn't find it the least bit funny, so I just rolled my eyes at him and sighed loudly. "Okay, so not so funny after all. In all seriousness, Edward, your mind just needed time to process the information Jasper gave you before your panic attack, causing you to black out and your body to shut down."

I nodded, silently thanking Carlisle for taking care of me. I knew he would understand and in that particular moment, it was the best I could do.

He reached over and placed his hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. I recoiled slightly from his touch causing Carlisle to remove his hand and sigh slightly. "I would like to keep you in here overnight and run a few tests, just to be on the safe side. You should be ready to go home this time tomorrow." He turned, giving Alice and Jasper a smile before leaving the room.

"Jasper." My voice was low; I could hear the fear in it. "Does Jacob know? I mean, about me?"

"Shouldn't we wait until you feel better, Edward? I really don't want you to have another attack." I could hear the worry in his voice; Jasper was my best friend, my confidant, and I loved him dearly, but at this point in time I was rather annoyed and agitated.

"NO!" The sound of my own voice, so loud and strong, shocked me, causing me to jump slightly at it. "I'm sorry, Jasper, I mean, no - I don't want to wait; I need to know. Besides, I'm already in the hospital." I chuckled slightly at my own joke. Everyone in the room could tell it was forced, but I was determined to get answers.

"Okay, Edward. Yes, Jacob knows what happened to you, he asked about you the first time he saw you."

"Why would Jacob ask about me?" I was confused; I had never met Jacob, why would he want to know about me?

"When he first saw you, Edward, he thought you were cute and wanted to know if you were single. It was then that I explained that you didn't date." I swallowed hard, he was attracted to me, thought I was cute, just like his cousin had. Logically, I knew it was stupid to compare them to each other, but emotionally, I couldn't seem to help it.

"So you told him everything?" I was a little annoyed; well, let's face it I was fucking pissed, why would he tell someone I didn't know all about my past. It was… Argh! I couldn't even find the right words to explain why it bugged me so much.

"No, Edward, it didn't happen that way. Over the years, Jake spent a lot of time listening to me talk about you; I was so proud of your progress, all you have accomplished. So it was over time that he eventually pieced the full story together. He is a police officer after all." He chuckled slightly, but it seemed nervous almost.

"It's fine, Jasper, really, if you trust him to confide in, then I get it; we all need someone." Jasper had an unusual look on his face, like he was holding something back from me. Between the nervous laughter and the look plastered on his face now, I was getting extremely uncomfortable.

"Just spit it out, Jasper." He looked up at me and quirked an eyebrow. Though I teased Jasper and played around, I had never spoken to him like that before; my tone was a little harsh and the annoyance that laced my voice was obvious. I shrugged my shoulders at him and waited for him to continue.

"Fine." He sighed, his teasing tone giving him away. "Jake asked what brought on the attack, so I told him that we were discussing your ex. Jake was less than impressed at me for bringing that up and asked why."

"What did you tell him?" At this point my nerves where getting the better of me, a slight tremor running through me. Alice grabbed onto my hand for support. I turned to her, smiling slightly, and then focused back on Jasper.

"I explained to him that you called off the date with him because of his resemblance to Sam. That's when the pieces fell together and Jake knew." My face clearly betrayed my emotions, Jasper face was full of concern as he reached out and place his hand on my shoulder.

"W-w-what." I cleared my throat and straightened my posture, finding the courage to continue. "What did he say?" Jasper laughed, it sounded almost bitter.

"It was that damn cousin of mine wasn't it Jasper? That fucking asshole was the one that hurt Edward. All those years and I could have stopped it, could have helped him if I had only known. God damn it, Jasper." Jasper mimicked Jake as he retold their conversation.

"He is blaming himself?" My voice was strained. It was so ridiculous, he didn't even know me. The whole time I had been with Sam I had never once met his family.

"Yes, sort of. Jake is about protecting, he blames himself for most things he can't fix or people he couldn't save. It's one of the things that makes him a great officer and a loyal friend." Jasper smiled, this time it was genuine as he talked about Jake. "He called me on my cell while you were 'asleep'."

"What did he want?" I was very curious as to what he wanted, but at this point not surprised he called after everything Jasper had told me about him.

"He realized that because of his resemblance to Sam, you wouldn't want him around you, but he asked me to ask you if it would be okay if he visited you in the hospital when you woke up. I told him I would ask, but I couldn't make any promises. So yes, Edward, he knows everything." The look on Jasper's face slightly frightened me; I had never seen him look that way before. It was turning into a day of looks I didn't recognize from him.

"What is it, Jasper, what's wrong?" All other questions were knocked from my mind at that look. I shivered slightly, and Jasper caught the movement of my body as I tried to still myself.

"Sorry, Edward." He rearranged his face into its usually serene look and gave me a tight smile. "I'm just worried; Jake can be a bit of a hot head, when someone he considers family gets hurt."

"He doesn't even know me, I'm not his family." Jasper cut me off.

"I'm his family, Edward, Alice and me. _That_ makes you family by extension. That's the kind of man Jacob is." Jasper sounded a little annoyed, and I didn't understand that. He drew in a deep breath, collecting himself before continuing. "I'm just worried he will do something stupid, something I have been fighting doing myself."

A horrified sound came from me; it was unrecognizable, sounding almost like a broken growl.

"No, Jasper, he wouldn't? You can't... Please don't." The plea came out as a jumbled whisper; I was shocked, confused and really fucking scared. If they did anything to Sam he would know where I was, he would come after me. My breathing escalated, my mind running through my techniques to stop myself from passing out again. God no, please, they can't do this.

"Jasper." His name left me in pants as I tried hard to get the rest of what I needed to say out while I could still breathe. "P-p-pl-lease, call him, tell him…to...come…here...to see...me…before..." I couldn't get anything else out, someone must have pressed the button because a nurse was suddenly at my side placing a mask over my face, and I clung to it for dear life, taking in shallow breaths trying to calm myself. Once my breathing was under a certain amount of control, I pushed the mask to the side to make one final plea. "Please, Jasper." Before sliding the mask back into place and closing my eyes, concentration etched on my features as I heard Jasper speak into his phone.

"Jake, whatever you are doing, stop right now, Edward wants to see you."

* * *

**A/N I want to send a special shout out to Stolenxsanity and her family. She is in the hospital, so I would appreciate all my lovely readers to send out their best wishes to her and her family. **

**We Miss you bb, get well soon! Love ya lots. 3**


	3. Meeting Jacob

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover from the abuse. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**This fic will be updated weekly, unless something goes wrong lol... this first chapter is small, but following chapters will be larger.**

**A litte treat this week, Chapter 3 is a day early. Enjoy.**

**Okay on with the story.**

* * *

Metting Jacob

EPOV

My nerves were getting the better of me as I lay waiting for Jacob to arrive. Jasper was on one side of the bed with his hand on my shoulder, and Alice was on the other side stroking my arm lovingly with one hand while her other held firmly onto mine. I took a deep breath through my nose, releasing it slowly out my mouth, and closed my eyes. Memories flooded back to me about the first time I'd met Sam.

_My parents had passed away in a car accident when I was eighteen, more specifically, three days after my eighteenth birthday, leaving me with no family. The devastation I felt at losing my parents shattered my self-worth completely, leaving me easy prey for someone like him, like Sam._

_The day I met him I was sitting in the park reading one of my mother's favorite books. They had been gone almost a year and my nineteenth birthday was approaching fast, causing me to sink into a slight depression; birthdays would never be the same for me. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I came to the park every week at the same time, to the same place my father brought me when I was growing up, and sat at our favorite bench, reading. We may not have had a lot of money, but we made up for it in love._

_Turning the page, I was interrupted by someone clearing their throat, causing me to glance up in their direction. Standing before me was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. His skin was a russet colour, and his eyes were almost as black as his silky hair. He was tall, maybe six foot five, and muscular. A slight sheen of sweat coated his bare arms and chest, and his shirt was tucked into the back pocket of his running shorts. _

_"Mind if I take a seat? I need a bit of a breather." His smile was perfection, his white teeth on full display. I was in awe._

_"No, not at all. Please, sit. My name's Edward, by the way." I looked up at him shyly through my lashes, wondering if this God of a man was in fact gay._

_"Hey, Ed, nice to meet ya, I'm Sam." He extended his hand to me and I took it, shaking it slightly and holding on just a little bit too long before I let it go. _

_From that day forth, Sam and I were together. I moved into his place six months later, and life was perfect. He was sweet, kind, funny and very romantic, always bringing me flowers or leaving me notes on the pillow if he had to leave for work before I woke. For the first year of our relationship, I truly felt like I had found the man I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with, and I loved him completely. My life was nothing without him._

_Three weeks after our first anniversary, things changed. Sam came home drunk; he was so damn angry, and I tried to talk to him about what was going on. That was my first mistake because he beat me black and blue for the first time. Of course he apologized profusely for it and swore it would never happen again, but as I found out, that wasn't the case. Things returned to normal for about a month before it happened again. This time I did leave him, only to be sucked back in by promises of forever and Alcoholics Anonymous. _

Jasper pulled me out of my thoughts, shaking my shoulders and whispering in my ear, "Shh, Edward, it's okay." I hadn't even realized I had been sobbing. I was so caught up in my memories that I could still feel the sting of Sam's belt across my back and the sound of his fist as it connected with my jaw. A shudder rocked through me as I took a much needed deep breath.

"I'm fine, Jasper, really, just bad memories. You would think I could deal with them by now; it's been five years already. How much more of my life do I have to sacrifice to this man?" I was angry, the venom spilling freely through my words. It was enough, five years was too much time, but no matter what I tried, I couldn't quite get the closure I needed. I was a functioning part of society. I laughed, I cried, I helped others move forward, but I couldn't quite reach the last hurdle myself.

Trust wasn't supposed to be something you had to work for, it was something that came automatically with friendship, family and love, and I understood that on a basic level, I just could never put it into practice. Trust was currency for me, you worked to earn it and you worked hard, it was never given freely and it was never given easily. Alice and Jasper were the only people I trusted completely, and I trusted them with my life. The Cullen's I loved very much. They were like family to me, but I could never get to that place where I was completely at ease. It was not something I was proud of, and I tried to hide it as best I could, but it was apparently clear for anyone who had ever witnessed me having a panic attack - only two people could touch me during that time, and only one could calm me completely.

_As I stepped out of the taxi, wobbling slightly, the driver asked if I needed any help getting into the hospital. "No, I will be fine, thank you." Knowing full well I would be lucky to make it three steps, but there was no way in hell I would let someone help me. Just the thought of someone's hands on me had been enough to make my breathing quicken, causing me to wonder what happened to all the strength I had possessed twenty minutes before when I found the courage to walk out and never look back. _

_I waited for the taxi to pull away before I reached for my suitcase that was sitting on the pavement next to me. Bad idea. As soon as my body bent slightly, the pain coursed through me in protestation of the sudden movement, and my screams echoed through the air as I hit the pavement with a rather loud thud. I tried to crawl as best as I could to the hospital doors, leaving a trail of blood behind me and probably looking like something out of a horror movie when I heard a little voice squeak next to me._

_"Oh my God, Jasper, come here. Quick." Before I knew what was happening, a tiny little person was kneeling in front of me, gently placing a small hand on top of mine. My first thought was that she was a child and she really shouldn't be seeing me like that. _

_"Are you okay? Oh shit, stupid question. Let me help you," the little voice said as she tried in vain to lift my weight. "Damn it, Jasper, I need your help over here; hurry up," she huffed out, impatience was clear in her voice._

_"Holy fuck. What happened, Alice?" The male - who I assumed was Jasper - spoke, his voice heavy with authority._

_"I don't know. I just found him here. It looks like someone hit him with a Mac truck over and over again. Jasper, we have to get him inside. Can you lift him? He is too heavy for me. I'm going to call my dad." _

_I saw large hands make their way for me, and my body naturally recoiled in fear. "Plleeaasee, don't...hurt...me." My throat felt like it was on fire; the words burned on the way out, and the terror was clear in my voice. This man was so tall, but as soon as his hand touched my shoulder gently, my whole body started to slowly relax. I started to feel drowsy then; everything hurt and I couldn't keep my eyes open. I felt the blackness take me again, and the last thought that drifted through my mind was, 'What is he doing to me?'_

_When I awoke I was tucked into a bed with monitors beeping around me in the room and a needle in my arm attached to a tube with liquids dripping from a bag above it. I was in a hospital, but I wasn't sure how I'd gotten there. Then I remembered- the little woman child, the safe man. Sam. Shit. I tried to crawl up the bed as my eyes opened wide, searching for any signs of him. If he found me, I knew I would be dead for sure. He made it quite clear that if I ever left him, he would, and I quote, "End you." I was property to him; no one was ever allowed to touch me or be anywhere near me without him present._ _Internally I begged,_ please don't let him find me, for the love of God, don't let him find me._ I could feel the whole bed shaking with the force of my tremors, and then that peaceful, calm feeling washed over me again as I felt a hand press into my shoulder, squeezing gently._

_"My name is Jasper, my girlfriend Alice and I were the ones that found you two days ago outside the hospital." I blinked at him, confusion probably clear on my face._

_"Two days?"_

_"Yes, you have been unconscious for two days. Turns out you have four broken ribs, a black eye, broken nose, fractured wrist and many cuts and contusions all over your body. Plus you have scars and remnants of older injuries, clearly from suffering years of abuse. You can't be any older than twenty; do you want to tell me what's been going on?" I shook my head no, and tried to curl up under the covers to hide myself._

_"How about a name at least, so we can contact someone for you." It was more a demand than anything else, but for some reason I wasn't afraid of him, just of who he might contact._

_"My, um, I'm Edward, I'm twenty two, I have no one. My parents died a long time ago. Please, I don't have anyone." Sobs escaped my lips, and tears fell down relentlessly._

_"Don't worry, Edward, I won't do anything you don't want me to do."_

_Over the next few weeks of my recovery Alice and Jasper visited me often, trying to convince me to talk about it. One day I finally cracked and told them all about Sam and how he beat me constantly. How the night they found me was the night I finally found the courage to walk out the door. _

_That's when I was introduced to Esme and started the long road to recovery. Alice insisted I move in with her until I found my feet and they slowly tried to put me back together._

_It took me two years to move into my own place; Alice and Jasper spent more time at my place than they did their own. Each had a key to come and go as they pleased, but really it was more so they could keep an eye on me and be able to get to me fast if I had an attack._

There was a tentative knock at the door that brought me out of my reverie. My heart started to pound in my chest, and I squeezed Alice's hand tighter causing her to flinch. This was why I usually took Jasper's hand; he was stronger and could handle the added pressure of my anxiety.

"Are you ready, Edward?" He rubbed my shoulder in a comforting manner as he asked, worry etching his features.

"I think so." Jasper got up from his chair and started to move away from the bed, causing me to panic slightly. I reached out for his arm, pulling him back.

"Jasper, don't leave, please."

"I'm not leaving, Edward, I'm just going to let Jake in. Okay?" I sighed and released his arm, nodding my acquisition.

Jasper headed to the door and pulled it open slightly. I could just make out Jacob's face through the crack in the door. Jasper was talking to him in low whispers. I couldn't make out the words, but Jake nodded his head and sighed before a small smile appeared on his face and Jasper let him into the room.

I knew I had to get out what I needed to say before my panic took over; being so close to Jake was uncomfortable to say the least. He was so much bigger up close. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath and keeping them shut as I spoke, hoping it would help me focus.

"Jake, I appreciate you coming. I just wanted to say, please don't do anything to Sam." I winced as I said his name, which caused a low growl to emanate through the room. I had no idea who made the noise, but it was enough to make my eyes snap open. Instinctively my body backed its way up the bed, pushing itself further into the mattress as I pulled the blankets tightly to my body.

"Damn it, Jake! Control yourself! What did I just say to you?" Jasper whispered, but his aggravation made his voice carry to my ears.

"Sorry, it was involuntary, it won't happen again," Jake whispered back. I wanted to let them know I could hear them, but I needed time to collect myself. I had to finish what I started to say.

"I don't want him to know where I am, if he finds me..." I cut off that line of thought, it would only induce more stress and my mind wasn't capable of dealing with anything else right now. "Just leave it be, please." I let out a haggard breath and lifted my eyes to look at Jacob. My breath caught and my eyes dropped back down to the bedding. He was so alike, yet so unlike Sam. His eyes were a softer, rich brown, and his face looked kind, but worried, compassion shining through. In a word, he was breathtaking. A private war went off in my head as I contemplated what that meant. Why was I noticing these things? I pushed those thoughts away; I couldn't deal with them right now.

I felt an unfamiliar, but warming presence close to me; half of me was completely unnerved by it, but the other half welcomed it. "I won't do anything you don't want me to do, Edward." His voice was smooth, calming; I could hear the truth behind his words. Truth was something I could pick up on easily these days. I had worked hard to be able to decipher tones and facial expressions; it was another one of my defenses.

Steeling myself, I lifted my head to look him in the eyes, my inner voice constantly reminding me that I was safe, he wouldn't harm me, he wasn't his cousin. My eyes met his again and this time I held my gaze, knowing full well I couldn't hide the fear in my eyes, but proving to myself I was stronger than this. I had worked too hard to let this set me back, I could do this.

"Thank you." I smiled slightly as I whispered my response, causing his face to break out into a beautiful smile of his own. It was nothing like his cousin's; it transformed his face into something almost angelic like. He was magnificent and that's when my body started to react. I was actually getting hard. The shock must have registered on my face, causing both Jasper and Jake to look at me with a similar expression, each quirking an eyebrow at me. Panic tore through me; I had not had a reaction like that to anyone in five years. Sure I found men attractive, but no one had ever caused _that_ to happen. What the hell was going on? I needed to talk to Jasper alone and quickly.

"I...ah...could...um..." God damn it, I couldn't speak properly, this can't be happening, not to me, not now, not with him. "Jasper," I whispered, looking at him in the eyes trying to convey my need to speak to him alone. He got the hint and moved in front of Jake and leaned over me so I could whisper in his ear.

"Jasper, I need Jake to leave now please. I have to talk to you alone." My whole body was shaking excessively, but it wasn't fear, it was excitement. Confusion coursed through me as my body and mind tried to come to some sort of understanding. _This couldn't happen._

Jasper stood, nodded his head and pulled Jacob towards the door. "I'm sorry," I squeaked out before I could stop myself. Why was I apologizing to him, I couldn't understand what was going on, I was in uncharted territory, my own body betraying me. It hadn't done that since... No, that memory is not coming anywhere near me today, I can't deal with that too.

Jasper was back at my side, and he motioned to Alice, silently asking if I wanted her to leave too. I shook my head no. I needed both of them, they were my sanity, my safety, and with the way I was feeling, I would need both of them to help me through this one.

I cleared my throat and sat up, pushing the covers away from me, looking down at my lap. I needed to see what I was feeling. Don't ask me why, but the visual proof was important to me. Alice and Jasper both followed my line of sight, much to my embarrassment, and I felt my face heat up as I heard them both take sharp intakes of air. Alice, who was silent throughout the whole Jacob visit, spoke up first.

"Edward, we have talked about this before, you haven't been able to..." She cut herself off looking unsure, then continued. "I...um, you said...oh boy, Jacob?" She was just as confused and flustered as I was which caused me to chuckle and lighten the mood considerably. Alice and Jasper joined in as I shook my head in disbelief.

"Just my luck, right? The first man to turn me on and it's _his_ cousin." A dark chuckle left me as I ran my hands through my hair and tugged desperately. "Why is this happening? My God Jasper, Alice; I don't understand it, my mind is all sorts of terrified of that man, but my body, well you could see for yourself what_ it_ thinks_. _I am going to need so much therapy to get over this one." I laughed again, mainly at myself, my own stupidity. "Only I could finally find a man that makes my body react, and it's a man I could never be with."

"Why not? Why can't you give him a chance?" I looked at Alice, dumbfounded that she could ask such a question. I turned my head to look at Jasper, and he had the same questioning look on his face as Alice.

"Why? You are seriously asking me why I could never be with the man that is his cousin? Why I could never be with someone that would be a constant reminder of what I went through; of the hell I suffered, the beatings, the forced sex, the total disregard for my well being?" My voice rose with every word, I was becoming hysterical and I knew it. The door burst open and Jacob walked back in. I inhaled sharply, looking into his eyes which held a look of mortification.

"I guess he didn't know everything," Jasper sighed, and it clicked with me that he had heard my outburst. He must have been standing right outside the door. I was equally angry and embarrassed at the fact that he now knew his cousin had forced me into sexual acts. I had only spoken to Alice, Jasper and Esme about that part of the abuse; it was a part I kept locked up tightly.

"He did what?" Jacob's tone was quiet, gentle, though his face and body betrayed his anger as his hands clenched tightly at his sides and his large frame shook slightly. Even though I knew it wasn't directed at me, it was still terrifying.

"No, you can't be here, you can't, not now, not after... No." I shook my head back and forth wildly, my breathing became raspy, but I wouldn't give in, not now, I was stronger than this. My eyes slammed shut as I concentrated on breathing, I felt a presence close to me and a jolt ran through my system, causing my body to relax and my breathing to even out. That was new, Jasper could always calm me, but he had never sent a current through my system before. Whatever he did I was grateful for, and a small, satisfied smile came to my lips. I breathed out a sigh of relief and opened my eyes, turning to face Jasper.

Who I saw standing next to me caused panic to flood through me, overriding all the good feelings from moments before, and I swiftly scooted as far away from him as possible, fear evident in my eyes.

"Too close, too close. No. Please, too close," I muttered, closing my eyes and wishing I was anywhere else but here.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you, please forgive me." His voice was laced with sorrow as he took a few steps back.

"Jasper, please, just make him go, I can't, not now." My voice was shaking, too many emotions running through me, fear, anger, pain and the most unusual one of all, lust. I needed to work this out, I needed... Fuck, I didn't know what I needed at this point, but I couldn't form a coherent thought with his close proximity.

"Come on Jake, I think he has had enough for one day." Jasper's voice was soft, but firm as he clapped Jake on the back and led him out of the room. I breathed a sigh of relief when the door opened, only to be taken aback when he turned to face me again.

"I'm sorry, Edward," was all he said before he left the room and I could have sworn I saw a tear roll down his cheek. That tugged at my heart strings, and again I couldn't understand any of these feelings. Before I could prevent it, words fled from my lips.

"Maybe next time will be easier?" I was just as surprised as he was that I had mentioned a next time, these emotions where getting out of hand and I really needed him gone so I could think clearly. He smiled a small smile and nodded before he closed the door behind him.

I needed to see Esme and I needed to see her soon.

I heard Jasper's soft whispers out in the hall as Alice grabbed my hand and started to trace soothing circles in my palm. I felt myself relax under her touch and I sighed deeply, repositioning myself on the bed and laying my head down on the pillow. My eyes closed as all these mixed emotions swirled around in my head. 'Too much,' was the only thought that was a constant. My mind just wanted to shut down as the current of his closeness still permeated through my body.

"Edward, are you okay buddy." I felt Jasper's hand lay on my shoulder, as his familiar brand of calmness ran through me.

"I'm not sure, Jasper, I just...I don't know. I'm going to make an appointment with Esme for tomorrow; I need her to help me sort through this." Jasper nodded his head in agreement.

"I'm sorry, Edward." I snorted.

"What are you apologizing for, Jasper? You did everything I asked you to do. If it wasn't for you and Alice… God." I shook my head, still upset with myself that I needed them near me to feel safe around someone like Jacob, who obviously didn't have a mean bone in his body. Hell, I could face most things alone. I was strong, a survivor, I even had Reba McEntire's song 'I'm a Survivor' as my theme. Yes, I knew I was not a single mom that worked too hard, but the undercurrent of the song had meaning for me, I had survived a lot. I couldn't think anymore, I needed to stop it all. Too Much.

I turned to Alice. "So what games did you bring to occupy my brain today?" Alice's face lit up as she reached for the bag she had with her and pulled out a deck of cards and a few board games. We settled on Scrabble, I was the king of Scrabble, and if anything was going to shut my damn brain up, it was that.

"Thanks, Alice, Jasper," I whispered as Alice set up the game.

"Anytime," they said in unison and both squeezed a hand each.

We settled in for a long and loud game of Scrabble as I let the conversation and the game distracted me from what I needed to face.


	4. Discoveries

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**This fic will be updated weekly, unless something goes wrong lol.**

**Here is a very special one off (for now) treat for my lovely reviews. An extra chapter thrown in the middle of my updating schedule, you can thank Famingo and gaaraforver12 for reviews that made my year as well as all my other loyal reviews. You are all so friggin awesome. So enjoy this special treat chapter :D**

**Okay on with the story.**

* * *

Discoveries

EPOV

"Edward, are you up yet?" Alice's voice echoed through my ears as my mind made its way to consciousness. I had not slept so well the night before after our Scrabble game finished and Alice and Jasper left for the night, but today I was going home. Carlisle was due to come and give me one final check up at nine, then I could bust out of this place.

"Yes, Alice, I'm awake." I sat up and rubbed my eyes, yawning. "What time is it?"

"Eight thirty. Carlisle will be here in half an hour. Do you want to get showered and dressed before he gets here?"

"Yeah. Alice, do you have..." I stopped talking when she handed me a mega cup of coffee, just what I had been about to ask for, "You know me too well, woman child," I chuckled as she slapped me gently on the arm.

"You know I hate it when you call me that," she laughed. Alice was not fond of that title, and I was the only one that actually got away with calling her that. Emmett tried it out after hearing me say it and was swiftly and brutally smacked upside the back of his head. The sound alone had been frightening; suffice it to say, he never called her that again.

"What time is your appointment with Esme?" Alice's voice was just a whisper as she asked about my therapy session.

"Two." I knew Alice would want more information, but I couldn't give her any. I was still reeling enough from my latest revelations, that forming a coherent thought about any of it was impossible. My first erection in five years was a big deal, but who gave it to me was an even bigger deal. Sure I had managed to get semi hard over the years, but never fully, and never ever so full of lust that it made me rock fucking hard.

After the abuse I suffered from Sam- the mental torture, the brutal beatings and the forced sex; every time my dick even thought about getting hard, I would get flashbacks. My hard-on was a casualty of war so to speak, my sex drive all but gone. I missed sex, a lot, but my body and brain would battle it out, and my brain always won. Yesterday, however, my body took back firm control, and even though it didn't last long, it had happened.

My body used to betray me a lot when I was with Sam. He would decide we were having sex whenever _he_ wanted it, even if I wasn't in the mood or didn't feel like it. The worst times were straight after a beating; he would hold me and apologize for what he had done, and then start kissing and touching me. My mind revolted, but my dick always got hard and he took that as an okay, regardless of whether it actually was or not. The only thing I could be grateful for was the fact that he always prepared me first; he never just rammed it in, even though he had threatened to do so often.

Yes, I know that is a weird thing to be grateful for, but Sam could have so easily just taken me without thought; I personally think it was more for himself than anything else. It seemed that even thought he was rough, he didn't consider it rape if he took the time to take care of me beforehand and afterward. He always prepared me thoroughly before and would wash me down with a warm cloth afterwards, gushing to me about how much he loved me and how he took great care with me in our intimate moments.

I had one word for him. Asshole.

Carlisle came in and gave me the all clear, making me promise to contact him if I needed anything. Alice took me back to my place and stayed with me, making me lunch and setting out clothes for me when it was time to get ready for my appointment with Esme. We chatted about nothing in particular and just enjoyed each other's company. It was nice, though I could tell Alice was just itching to talk about Jake.

At one thirty, we made our way to the centre in relative silence, my mind swirling with too many thoughts to carry on a conversation. The walk to Esme's office was mechanical; I could have made this trek in my sleep. Alice grabbed my hand at the door and spun me to look at her.

"Do you want me to wait for you here, or do you want to call me when you're done?"

"I'll call you when I'm done, I don't know how long I will be in there. Esme cancelled all her afternoon appointments so she could just concentrate on me today," I sighed softly. Esme was so considerate, and since I actually called in for an emergency appointment, which I hadn't done in a few years, she was quiet anxious about this herself. She would have set aside the whole day for me if she didn't have a couple of new clients in that morning who really couldn't wait.

_Three weeks after I'd left Sam, I was feeling physically better, able to move around more, but still needed to be hospitalized for another week. It was a Thursday, and Alice had brought her mother in to see me a few days prior._

_Esme began telling me about her past, her life before she met Carlisle, her husband and my doctor. _

_"All my life I was told a good girl marries and takes care of her husband. My parents had a good marriage, and my father was a kind man, so I was ill prepared for what men could truly be like. My first husband, whom I married when I was just seventeen, was a brutal man and beat me constantly. It wasn't until I fell pregnant at the age of nineteen that I knew I had to get out. I, of course, was too late, and he beat me senseless when he discovered me packing my bags to leave. I lost the baby and spiraled into a deep depression. I tried to kill myself." She sighed softly as a few tears escaped her, then a beautiful smile took over her face._

_"I met Carlisle when I was twenty one when I was rushed to the hospital by my mother after another suicide attempt. Carlisle was a lowly intern back then and was assigned to my case. Over time he gained my confidence and we talked. He got me the counseling I needed, and we fell in love." I reached up and wiped my eyes. If she could make it through that and find love at the end, maybe there was hope for me yet._

_I began seeing Esme four times a week._

Alice pulled me out of my thoughts by pulling me into a hug, telling me she would be waiting for my call, and the look she gave me let me know that if I didn't call, there would be hell to pay for it later. After kissing her on the cheek and promising I would call, she left and I made my way into the waiting room. Tanya, Esme's receptionist, was missing from her usual spot, so I just went straight to Esme's door and knocked.

"Come on in Edward." She called out. I open the door, taking a deep breath before walking in. Esme is all smiles as she tells me to take a seat.

"So Edward, tell me what's been going on." I smiled slightly and shook my head, trying to put my thoughts into some kind of coherent sequence. That just wasn't happening and when I opened my mouth to speak, the first thing that came out was quite mortifying.

"I got an erection yesterday." My face heated up, and I clamped my hand over my mouth. Esme's reaction however was expected. Her eyes lit up as a brilliant smile took over her face.

"A full erection or the usual semi?" I chuckled at her question, more to hide my embarrassment than anything else.

"Full." I ducked my head, trying to hide my face as I felt the heat rush up my neck to my cheeks.

"That's fantastic news, Edward." I peeked up at Esme and saw the excitement for me written all over her face. I really should have a different therapist considering Esme was more like family, and we all know the saying: family shouldn't treat family. I did try to see someone else after we'd become really close, but it hadn't worked out so well and actually sent my recovery backwards, so I stayed with Esme and we treated my session more like informal chats than therapy, though all the fundamentals where there.

"Well..." Now comes the hard part, I thought, shaking my head. "That's the good news, the bad news is who gave it to me," I sighed. For the love of God I was sure sighing a lot lately. That and my natural reaction to shrink into myself and flinch where my biggest hurdles to overcome.

"Tell me all about it Edward," Esme said as she learned back into her chair to get herself comfortable.

"It was Jake."

"What is wrong with it being Jake?" Esme was perplexed as to why my being attracted to him was a bad thing. Jake was a good guy and the Cullen's loved him. Esme absolutely adored him and treated him like a son.

"Well, remember how I told you that I couldn't be around Jake and didn't want to meet him? The reason for that was because he is the spitting image of Sam. We found out yesterday, after my little revelation to Jasper, that Sam is Jake's cousin." Esme gasped and had to take a few breaths to calm herself.

"Sam? The man that hurt you, is Sam Uley?" I nodded and dropped my head.

"Edward, I had no idea, it all makes perfect sense now; you not wanting to meet Jake or be around him, and now he is the one that... Oh Edward." She leaned forward and reached her hand over, placing it on my knee and rubbing gently. I flinched back slightly before I slowly relaxed into her touch. Esme was used to the flinching and just waited for me to get past it, never moving her hand. She had become very efficient at hiding the look of hurt that crossed her features every time it happened. I could always see it, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't overcome it.

I had actually gotten quite good at hiding the flinch too, not many people realized I did it. It was barely noticeable when it happened, but it really bothered me that it happened at all.

"You know, this might not be the nightmare you think it is." I started to argue, but she just shushed me. "Let me finish, Edward." I huffed and sat back, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Fine."

"Edward, just listen. Jake's resemblance to Sam could be just the thing you need to work through your last few issues. You have been too afraid to confront Sam, and you know as well as I do, it is what some people need to fully recover. Have you ever thought that with Jake's help you could become desensitized to Sam's physical appearance? Spending time with Jake and getting comfortable around him could be the stepping stone you need to fully come to terms with Sam and put him behind you once and for all."

My mouth opened and then slammed shut again as her words registered in my chaotic mind. Maybe she was right, maybe, just maybe, I could do this. Spend time with Jacob and face my Sam issues once and for all. If I could get comfortable in Jake's presence, I could really be comfortable with anybody. Jake was bigger than Sam, taller, but he seemed so much more gentle.

The problem was Sam had been gentle in the beginning and look how that turned out. What if it was a family trait? What if Jake had everyone else fooled and he was just the same as his cousin? I opened my mouth to speak but Esme held up her hand.

"I know exactly what is going through that head of yours Edward and you couldn't be more wrong. Jake is nothing like his cousin. I have had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting Sam Uley. He is not a nice man at all. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on him, even before he spoke." Esme sat back, a tear slipped from her eye as she continued. "I just wish I had known. I met him during the time frame you were with him, Edward. It's so hard for me to come to terms with the fact that you were being..." She couldn't finish, but I understood, it was a sentiment relayed a lot since everyone found out Sam was in fact Sam Uley.

"Esme, you didn't know until twenty minutes ago. You have nothing to blame yourself for. Everyone is feeling that way, including Jake, but tell me; how do you stop something when you have no idea it's going on in the first place?" I knew logically Esme understood what I was saying, but as usual, her personal feelings for me clouded her judgment.

Esme was a truly talented therapist and I never would have gotten as far as I had without her, but sometimes she treated me more like a son and her reactions were too maternal. She understood this of course, we both did, hence the switching of therapists, but in the end, maternal feelings and all, Esme had been the best option for me. Personally I believe it was because she treated me like a son. I missed my own mother so much, and Esme filled that void somewhat.

"Okay, so back to the topic at hand." Esme cleared her throat and continued. "What do you think about spending some time with Jacob? We could even start here in therapy if you like."

"I'm not sure yet. I need to think about it, maybe discuss it with Jasper and Alice some. If I decide to follow through with it, I think it would be best to have them with me." I thought I knew what was coming even before the words left her lips. I was sure she was going to get on me about my dependency on Alice and Jasper, but again she surprised me.

"I think that might be the best option for both you and Jake, and I really do think this would be very helpful for you, Edward. Maybe if you get through this and befriend Jake, you may even one day be able to confront Sam." My breathing picked up at that thought; there was no way I could ever confront Sam.

"I...there is...I couldn't."

"It's okay, Edward, it's not something we need to talk about right now, but we will have to talk about it eventually." I nodded and looked at the clock on the wall. It was already five. I had been there for three hours. No wonder I felt completely exhausted. Esme looked at me knowingly and nodded her head.

"We made a lot of progress today Edward, considering. Talk to Jasper and Alice tonight and think really hard about getting to know Jake, I truly believe it is the way to go. It will help your progress immensely."

"I will Esme, I promise." I got up from the couch and stretched. Esme got up and took a few steps to reach me before throwing her arms around me.

"You did great today, Edward. I'm really proud of you." She pulled back and kissed me on the cheek. "Don't forget dinner on Sunday." I smirked at her; the ease at which she could jump from therapist to mom these days was amazing to me.

I walked to the door, and just as my hand reached the door handle, she called me.

"Edward, one more thing." I turned to face her with a questioning look.

"What is it, mom?" We both gasped at my designation; I had been so caught up in my thoughts of my mother and Esme's maternal feelings towards me that it slipped out. Esme had a small smile on her face, and her eye's lit up with love. She rushed over and reached out for me, pulling me into her again. I wrapped my arms around her and let the contentment wash over me. She really did feel like home, and my list of people I absolutely trusted just recruited another member.

"Oh, Edward." She breathed out as she released me, her smile now taking over her face. I could see it in her eye's without her having to say anything. She loved that I called her mom and wanted it to continue, but would never push me.

I decided to just let it drop then and there and find out what she had stopped me for.

"What was the one more thing?" I asked smiling back at her.

"Oh, right." She looked flustered for a second. "Edward, do you realize that when I hugged you before you turned to leave you didn't flinch, and when I hugged you again just now, again no flinching?" I could feel the look of surprise my face took on. My mouth dropped open as I thought back a few minutes ago and just seconds ago. She was right, I hadn't flinched, not even a twitch.

"I don't know what to say, I just...wow." I was so articulate today; I rolled my eyes internally at myself.

"I'm proud of you sweetheart." I smiled at her and turned again to leave, stopping for a second before adding, "I'm pretty proud of me too."

I threw a quick goodbye over my shoulder as I pulled my phone out of my pocket to call Alice. Turned out I didn't need to bother, as she was perched up on Tanya's desk chatting away, hands flying around as she spoke. I chuckled to myself as I walked up to them.

"Hey, Edward," Tanya greeted me in her usual friendly manner.

"Hi," I replied barely making eye contact with her. Tanya was a flirt, and even though I knew she didn't mean anything by it, and she flirted with Jasper as well, it still made me very uncomfortable. I was used to both women and men flirting with me, it was a common occurrence for me. Alice told me it was because my eyes were so green and my hair looked like I had just being thoroughly fucked. It usually didn't bother me too much, but with Tanya it felt wrong. I felt naked whenever she would look at me the way she did. Alice, being her usual observant self, recognized my discomfort and chimed in.

"Hey, Edward, ready to go?" I smiled at her and threw my arm around her shoulder when she jumped down off the counter.

"Sure, let's blow this joint. Want to stop and pick up some food on the way? We can eat at my place. Call Jasper, I have stuff I need to discuss with you both." Alice's eyes lit up as she smiled at me.

"That would be great, let me call Jasper and see what he feels like." Alice pulled out her phone and called Jasper, giving him the details of what we would be doing and told him we would be having Indian food. So much for asking what he wanted. I chuckled at her antics as we got into the car.

An hour later, as we walked in my front door, Jasper was already waiting for us with the table set.

"What took you two so long, I'm starving," Jasper grumbled as he got up and grabbed the bags from Alice. "Hey this doesn't smell like Indian food."

"It's not, Alice changed her mind four times before she decided on Thai." Jasper laughed as I tried hard to keep mine to in. Lucky for Jasper, Alice was in a good mood knowing I was going to share what I had discussed with Esme with her, that she just ignored it completely.

"Okay, let's eat, so we can get to the talking part." Alice said, causing Jasper to shoot her an amused look and then focus on me, raising an eyebrow in question.

"In my session with Esme, she brought up an interesting point and I wanted to discuss it with the two of you to see what you thought about it. It can wait till we finish eating and get settled." I replied. Alice pouted and Jasper nodded.

"Okay then, let's eat." He smiled at me as he spoke.

Fifteen minutes later I was still trying to eat as Alice was clearing the food and plates away. She was eager, I was nervous and Jasper was trying to act indifferent, but the curiosity burnt brightly behind his eyes.

"Alice, can I at least finish my dinner?" The amusement was clear in my voice, causing Jasper to chuckle.

"You're done right? So get into the lounge and I will bring in a couple of beers so we can get down to business." With that she seized my plate and dashed into the kitchen.

"I guess we are done," Jasper said as he got up to leave the room. "Coming?" he called as he turned his back to me and walked away from the table.

"Sure," I mumbled. The nerves were starting to really build up as the reality of what I needed to do dawned on me. Esme was right, Jacob could really be a help in my recovery just by his appearance alone. His similarities to Sam where glaringly obvious to anyone who saw them together, but if everyone else was right, if this gut feeling I had about him was right, he could be just what I need to push forward.

Stepping into the lounge room, I took a seat on the sofa, curling up into the end, tucking my legs under me and resting my head on my hands against the back of the couch. Alice joined us, handing Jasper and I each a beer before taking a seat next to me and taking a swig of her own bottle.

"Okay, let's get to it," Alice said. She was so eager.

"Well, first off, let me start by saying that Esme hugged me twice, and both times I didn't flinch." I smiled smugly as I watched their faces change from curiosity to excitement. Alice got up and jumped on me, throwing her arms around my neck.

"I'm so proud of you, Edward." I chuckled at her antics.

"That's what Esme said, but she called me sweetheart," I teased and Alice pouted.

"I may have accidentally called her mom too," I added in more of a mumble. Alice shrieked and hugged me tighter.

"Oh my God, Edward, that must have made her decade," Alice added giggling.

"I think it did," I smiled.

"How did it make you feel though, Edward?" Jasper asked.

"Surprisingly, it felt...um...natural?" It sounded more like a question. I was still unsure about how it had happened, but it really had felt natural. I liked it."

"Well you know you are going to have to call her that all the time now, right?" Alice said with a smug smile of her own.

"I didn't think about that, I guess it would be okay though, especially if it makes Esme happy," I sighed, feeling really rather content.

"Is that all you needed to talk about?" Alice asked, the look on her face told me she knew there was more.

"Well, no I think that was it," I chuckled as Alice gave me a look of mortification before correcting herself and punching me lightly in the arm.

"Come on Edward, out with the good stuff," she pouted again.

"Fine, fine, there is one more thing I actually needed to run by you both. Esme thinks it might be a good idea if I got to know Jake, and...well...you know...become friends." I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "She thinks that getting comfortable in Jake's presence will help me fully recover and be able to put Sam behind me once and for all."

Alice and Jasper both nodded their heads at the same time, Alice got off of me and went to sit on Jasper lap, they had one of their silent conversations and then she turned to me and said, "I think that would be a great idea, Edward. How do you want us to help?"

The rest of the night was spent talking about arrangements for Jake to come over for dinners and game nights. Things that I would normally do with just Alice and Jasper, would now become foursomes and as much as the idea made my mind whirl with fear. My body was really liking the idea of Jake being around more often.

After saying goodnight to Alice and Jasper, I locked up and started in on my usual bedtime routine. My mind was still in direct opposition with my body, and as I was brushing my teeth a stray thought hit me. What if it wasn't Jacob I was attracted to at all? What if it was just his resemblance to the man I once loved? A man that, deep down, I still did love, despite my hatred for him.

I shook my head violently, sending toothpaste spit all over the bathroom sink, mirror, and of course, my face. What was I thinking? I couldn't still love Sam after everything I had gone through;, I hated him, that much I was sure of.

I finished up my routine quickly, keeping my mind as blank as possible; more fodder for Esme to help me dig through later.

Crawling into bed I snuggled up under my quilt and closed my eyes, and everything came rushing back. Sam, the love we shared, his kindness and compassion. Suddenly there was blood and pain and disgust in myself for staying with him for so long. My mind ticked over; love, hate, what a fine line between the two.

I bolted up right as I realized the one truth in this whole mess. If I didn't still have feelings for Sam, if there wasn't something there, buried deep inside, then the only thing I would feel towards Sam, besides the fear, would be indifference.

Love and hate are equally strong emotions and often times straddle a fine line, usually there is love buried underneath the extreme hatred of someone you once adored.

Indifference was the place I needed to find.


	5. LoveHate

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**This fic will be updated weekly, unless something goes wrong lol.**

**Okay on with the story.**

**

* * *

**

Love/Hate

EPOV

Waking up Monday morning, I was still exhausted. I wanted to sleep for the rest of the week, but I had appointments to keep. My weekend had been one of the worst ones since my recovery, and after my revelations about love and hate, I was striving for indifference and failing to get there.

How could I even think of moving on when I couldn't get past Sam? This was why I had never been able to date anyone; this was why I would never be able to build a new relationship. I couldn't find indifference. I compared everyone to Sam; a simple gesture, a walk, the way he would sway his hips when he walked.

I spent the rest of my week working as much as possible, and any free time I had was spent with Alice and Jasper. When I was alone, my thoughts were consumed with Sam. I was going through every part of our relationship, from the happy times, till the moment I walked out the door, dissecting every little thing and finding the similarities I had pushed upon other people. I came to one conclusion at the end of the week.

I was still in love with Sam Uley.

That acknowledgement alone sent me straight to the bathroom to throw up. Once I was done ridding my stomach of its contents, I headed straight to Esme. It was four in the afternoon and I was shaking, sweating and probably looked green. I knocked on her office door, noticing again that Tanya wasn't at her desk. Did that woman ever do her job?

Esme pulled her door open, took one look at me and pulled me into her office, shutting the door behind her.

"Edward, what happened? You look awful, sweetheart." She ran her hand through my hair and tried to smile, but the worry was evident on her face.

"Ever since we had our session about Jacob and talked about me getting to know him," I paused, taking a deep breath and then continued on with a shaky voice. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about Sam. I came to the conclusion that I still love him about ten minutes ago and threw up. I don't know what to do, Esme." This was getting to be too much. I was a fully grown twenty seven year old man, who behaved like a scared little boy too much lately. I really hadn't been this bad for years now, and it was all coming back to me. I felt like that lost teenager all over again.

Much to my surprise, Esme smiled and reached out for my hand. "Edward, finally," she breathed out. I must have looked as confused as I felt, until I realized what she was getting at. It was the basics of therapy, I had told this to all my patients, but never fully understood what it was about since I never thought it applied to me at all.

"Before we truly heal, we must take responsibility for the love we have for the person that hurt us. The fact that we love them still, after all they have done to us, doesn't mean we want to be with them or relive any of the abuse. It just means we are human. Love is not something that can be turned off, and when we turn that emotion to hate, we just bury what we are really feeling, and thus instead of releasing the love we felt, it stays buried and festers until it is triggered and comes pushing to the surface like a volcano. You, my dear boy, just erupted." I felt the tears stream down my face as I listened to Esme's monologue, and I actually realized what this meant. This was a huge step in my healing, and it was okay. I knew this already as a counselor, but when it was your life, when you were actually living through it, it was totally different.

I took a deep breath and smiled slightly at her. She was right; I had to own the feelings before I could let them go. I could find my indifference and Jake could help. The thought of Jake brought up other questions for me.

"Esme, do you think that I might be transferring my feelings for Sam onto Jake? Because of the similarity in looks? I mean, could that explain why I'm attracted to Jake physically?" I could feel my eyebrows furrow as I asked her one of the questions that had been plaguing me since my revelation.

"It very well could be, but you know as well as I do that you won't know that for sure until you actually get to know him. Speaking of Jake..." She let the sentence trail off with a quirk of her brow.

"He is going over to Jasper and Alice's house for dinner, and I will be joining them." I tried to sound nonchalant but didn't quite pull it off, my nerves getting the better of me.

"That's good news, sweetheart. I'm glad to hear it. Remember, I'm always here if you need me, day or night." She smiled softly and took my hand in hers, stroking it gently.

"Thanks, mom." I flushed. It was only the second time I had called her mom, but it just felt right and nice. Thoughts of my own mother came to mind. She really would have loved Esme, both of them shared so many good qualities.

"I love you, Edward, so very much, and it makes my heart swell that you finally feel comfortable enough to call me mom." Her smile was wide and bright, her eyes misting over.

"I love you too; you really are a lot like my mom. I can't say I will call you mom all the time, but when it feels right..." I drifted off, not sure how to finish.

"I understand. Besides, it's not the words that matter, it's the thought behind them."

"Thanks," I sighed as I looked at the clock on the wall. It was five thirty, and I had to be at Alice and Jasper's place by six. "I have to go, I'm running late for dinner. I will call you later." Standing up I reached for Esme and pulled her to me, hugging her tightly before placing a soft kiss on her cheek. "Love you."

"Love you too, Edward," she replied as I made my way to the door.

Even with everything weighing down on me, I left with a slight skip in my step. I had been so busy working to overcome my fear, to learn how to function around people, that the thought of working through the love/hate I held for Sam didn't even enter my mind. I felt like a really shitty counselor at that moment. Even though I taught this to my patients all the time, I had failed to see it in myself. Learning to let go of past feelings and forgive is a huge step, one I never took for myself. Now it was time.

I drove home, showered and changed. Walking out the door I headed to Alice and Jasper's place, well, I took the elevator up one floor since they lived in the same building on the floor above me. I did everything on autopilot, my mind too occupied to think clearly. Sam and Jacob were consuming my thoughts, the idea that Jake was a safe substitute for Sam the most constant.

Even when I was terrified, Sam could make me hard, much to my disgust, but he hadn't been able to get me hard with just his presence since the first time we met. Jacob, it seemed, could, but so far that was a one time thing, so I couldn't just go by that. Maybe this was all connected and what I was thinking could very well be true. Jake could just be a substitute for Sam, and my body reacting was just its way of trying to force my mind to deal with all the issues I had with him.

_Arg._ This was all just too fucking much for one day. I needed to relax with my friends have a few beers and shoot the shit.

Then I remember that Jacob would be there and wondered if I could relax at all with him around. Maybe a few beers would get me through the night. I hoped I could last and not run scared.

I reached down and pulled the key to their apartment from my pocket and unlocked the door, before closing it quietly behind me.

"Alice, Jasper?" I called out.

"In here." Alice answered, her voice letting me know she was in the kitchen. I made my way to her.

"What's cooking good looking?" I chuckled as I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her in for a hug.

"All your favorites, Edward. Steak- rare, potato bake, green salad with Danish Feta- not Greek, and hot dinner rolls." I smiled at her and kissed her cheek.

"Thanks, Alice, that's just what I need, comfort food." Her hand reached up to trace my cheek as a small frown took its place on her lips.

"What happened, Edward? Do you need me to cancel Jake for tonight?" I smiled lightly at her. Alice was so good to me.

"No, it's nothing, just had an impromptus session with Esme after a rather startling realization today. I will talk to you about it later, woman child." Chuckling I moved away from her quickly before she could swat me.

Just then we heard the door open and Jasper's voice call out.

"We're here. Where's the food, woman? We are two very hungry men coming in from saving the city. Feed us." I heard Jacob's laughter echo lightly off the walls before they both came into view. Alice and I were laughing at Jasper's antics.

"You're in a good mood tonight, cowboy," Alice said as Jasper reached down to pick her up and swing her in his arms before placing a kiss on her lips and putting her back down.

I always loved how these two interacted. There were never big grand displays of affection; it was always the little things they did constantly. They were in love, it was everything that I one day hoped to have. They were my role models for a relationship. I wanted what they had. I felt a wishful sigh leave me as I turned to head towards the table and ran smack bang into Jake's chest.

I stumbled backwards, but before I could fall I felt his strong arms wrap around my waist and pull me towards him. Two things happened simultaneously at that point. First, my dick got hard; secondly, I started to shake violently in his arms. I glanced up briefly before dropping my eyes again, Sam's face flashing before my eyes.

"No, let me go. Don't fucking touch me, Sam," I screamed out. Jasper was next to me in seconds, grabbing me from Jacob and taking me from the room. I had two warring emotions fighting for dominance. First, and most common, was fear, but the second one was the one that threw me for a loop, I was angry. I was so damn angry I wanted to kick Sam's ass. As that realization washed over me I froze in Jasper's arms, and all tremors ceased.

"I want to kick his ass so bad." The words left me in a whisper, but they weren't meant for Jasper, I just wanted to say them out loud, to feel them roll off my tongue. All the things I had thought about Sam over the years, never once did I say I wanted to physically hurt him. I was stunned.

"You're not the only one, get in line," Jasper mumbled so low I barely heard it. We both knew who we were referring to: Sam. Just hearing him say that broke something inside me and I started to laugh. It was an almost hysterical laugh that ripped through me, causing Jasper to release his hold on me and just stare.

Then, without warning, he joined in, causing Alice and Jake to come and investigate what was going on.

_Oh god, Jake, I called him Sam._ The laughter died in my throat as I looked up at him, holding his gaze, forcing myself to not look away. The residual anger in me helped boost my confidence.

I stared back at Jake, his eyes showing all kinds of emotions, from sorrow, to compassion and anger, and I became lost in the swirl of the rich chocolate brown orbs before I felt two other sets of eyes on me.

I dropped my head into my hands and cleared my throat.

"Umm, sorry about that, it's just been a rough week, and well... Oh fuck it, never mind. Can we just go eat?"

"Sure, sure." Jacob's rich tones filled my ears, and for the second time that night, and the third time in years, I got hard again, causing me to both laugh and cry at the same time.

I laughed because it was at this point that I realized one thing with complete certainty: it was indeed Jacob that I was attracted too. It was all him. It had nothing to do with Sam since his voice was so completely different from his cousins, and as I wasn't looking at him when he said that, I knew Jake's voice alone could get me hard.

I cried for exactly the same reason. _Fuck. My. Life._

Jasper pulled me up and led me to the table, seating me between him and Alice, with Jacob across the other side of the table. As we ate, the conflicts in my mind increased and my hard- on never let up. A part of me, a rather big part, wanted to take Jacob into the bedroom so he could fix the problem he'd started, and that thought alone made me cringe.

It was all too much. Getting to know Jacob throughout the dinner was heartbreaking, he was everything everyone said he was; kind, compassionate and gentle.

My mind flashed back to the way he held me after he caught me. His arms were relaxed, but strong, never putting too much pressure on me, holding me like I was precious. Of course, at the time, my mind only focused on the fact that he had touched me, and the visions of Sam flashing before me sent me into overload.

It was easy to see how caring and loving this man truly was. He may be related to Sam by blood, but it was clear that was as far as it went. His whole demeanor was different; the way he looked at me, the way he treated people in general. All the stories Jasper told me about him came rushing back; his compassion for the people he helped, the way he took their losses personally, everything.

Logically, I knew all this, I could process all this information and appreciate it, even admire it, but in the end when I looked up at his face, all I saw was Sam. That was the hurdle I needed to jump, to see Jake as his own person and not just see Sam reflected back at me.

I was brought out of my thoughts by Jake's voice. "Edward, how was work this week?" It was the first direct question he had asked me. We had instead been talking through Jasper and Alice, which was strange, but comfortable.

I cleared my throat and actually looked at him instead of sneaking peaks at him out of the corner of my eye. "Fine, umm...it was fine thanks, how about yours?" He smiled softly at me, his eyes shining brightly.

"Was a good week," he said and added more softly, "especially since I had something to look forward to." His eyes never left mine, and I was quite surprised to find that I was smiling back.

I felt a blush crawl up my face and smiled wider before lowering my gaze to my plate. God, no matter how much I wanted to deny it, no matter how much I pushed it away from my mind, I couldn't deny it anymore. Jacob Black was beautiful, in every way.

What this meant for me I had no idea, but after just a few hours in Jacob Black's company, I wanted to get to know him better. I wanted to spend time with him, and I wanted to be his friend.

The hardest part for me to get my head around, the part of me buried so deep I didn't even want to think about it, was the fact that I wanted Jake. My body craved him, while my mind shied away; but I was totally sure that if one day I could reconcile my brain and my body, I would have him.

My head snapped up at the thoughts that were running through my head, I couldn't believe I had just been thinking about having Jacob. My eyes sought out Jasper's, sending him a look to let him know I wanted to talk to him in private.

Jasper knew me better than anybody, even Alice. He could read my moods and my facial expressions as well as I could read his, we had become more like brothers and after years of supporting each other, it was natural, easy. I don't know how many times I had wished that he was gay and that I was attracted to him. It would have made my life so much easier, but there was nothing there but brotherly love.

"Excuse us," Jasper said getting up from the table and indicating for me to follow. I smiled at Alice and Jacob, and followed Jasper into his and Alice's bedroom.

Taking a seat on the bed next to Jasper, I opened my mouth and then slammed it shut again. What was I suppose to say? Hey, Jasper, Jake's hot and I want to bone him, but I'm terrified of him and can't get my head around my new discovery about Sam?

Jasper quirked an eyebrow at me, and I shook my head in response, letting him know silently that I was gathering my thoughts.

"Don't tell me, another hard- on, right?" Jasper chuckled. Great, he was getting way to much pleasure out of my misfortune.

I frowned at him and nodded, causing his whole facial expression to change.

"Oh fuck, Ed, I was just kidding. You have to be shitting me. Really, another one?"

"Don't call me 'Ed', damn it," I scowled.

"Sorry, bud, you just took me by surprise, that's all."

"Jazz, I really don't know what to do; my mind is so fucked up right now. Not only did I just discover that I still love Sam..." Jasper cut me off quick at that revelation.

"What the fuck, Edward? How the hell could you still love that son of a bitch?"

"I really never stopped, Jazz. I just buried it really deep, covering it with hate. It's a good thing I worked it out;, it's a key step in my recovery. Once I can deal with this and move past it, I will have a real shot at truly loving someone else and building a life for myself," I sighed heavily, then continued on telling about everything I had discussed with Esme.

While I was filling him in, Jasper's face changed expressions multiple times, and when I got to the part about substituting Jacob for Sam, he literally scoffed.

"The only thing those two have in common are features, Edward. Jacob couldn't be more different from Sam. Besides, he's much better looking too." I raised an eyebrow at him then.

"Been checking him out long, have we, Jazz? Do I have some competition?" Jasper threw me a look and chuckled.

"Competition, Edward, really? So you like Jake then I take it?" It occurred to me what I had just said, and I wanted to wipe that smug smile off his damn face.

"Jasper," I whined. Yes I was a twenty-seven year old man whining. "I didn't mean to say that at all. I have no idea what's going on lately. I need to figure this shit out, seriously. What the hell am I suppose to do?"

"Do what your heart tells you to do, Edward." I made a sort of _psh_ sound at him.

"I did that once before and look what happened." He frowned at me, eyebrows furrowed.

"Edward, Sam treated you horribly, the things he did are inexcusable, but not every man is like that. I think the biggest conflict you are having right now is that you like Jake, a lot more than you are willing to accept. Am I wrong?"

"Fuck!" I spat out, my frustration was evident as my hands ran through my hair and tugged, hard. "Yes, damn it, I really like him, Jazz. The things I think about when he is near me... God, the reason I wanted to talk to you in the first place was because I was sitting at the table thinking about Jacob and Sam and all the revelations I have made, when all of a sudden, I'm thinking about Jake in a very...umm...well...impure way, shall we say."

Jasper threw his head back and laughed, loudly. _Son of a bitch._

"It's not funny, Jasper, at all," I spat. "This is my life we are talking about here. Sam is the only real relationship I have had, and the thought of trying another one terrifies me beyond belief. Add in the factor of Jake's resemblance to him, and I'm on the road to panic attack city."

"I don't think you truly grasp the significance of this, Edward. You are totally wanting to date Jake, right?" Damn him and his ability to read me so fucking well.

"Way to get to the point, Jazz. Fine. If I can get past all these _issues_ I have, then yes, I would want to try and have a relationship with him, but friendship would be more plausible," I added at the end, just to ease my own mind.

"That's a huge step right there, Edward. Huge. Just admitting it to yourself is a major step. I'm sure Jake will think so too." He chuckled again as his eyes dance with amusement and pride.

"Fuck no, Jazz. No way are you going to tell him any of this. I need way more time." I jumped up and started pacing. "There is no way I am anywhere near ready to be alone with him, it's hard enough even with you two here." I was getting more and more agitated as I talked. "The flinching, the shaking. Hell, earlier my mind thought he was Sam. No, definitely more time is needed on this one." I took a deep breath to calm myself and sat back down on the bed with a thud.

"I don't think I need to tell him anything, Edward, I think he can figure that shit out on his own. I saw the way you smiled at him, the way your face lit up when he said he had something to look forward to. It was a dead giveaway all by itself."

"Damn stupid observant cops," I muttered, causing Jasper to completely lose it. His laughter was so loud this time that it caused Alice to come running into the room.

"What is going on in here that is so funny?" she questioned, a little smile playing on her lips.

"Jasper is just being a jackass," I replied, getting up and walking out of the room, shaking my head while trying to hide my own laughter. It wasn't until I took my place back at the table that I realized they hadn't followed me.

I was alone at the table with Jacob.

A part of me was thrilled that I was in his presence alone, even though I knew Jasper and Alice were only in the other room. The other part of me was terrified, and I could feel my hands start to tremble.

Jake must have noticed too because he scooted his chair away from the table and sat back as far as he could away from me.

"It's okay, Edward, I won't move from here, and we don't have to talk at all until they get back." He was smiling at me with such compassion shining in his eyes. It was at times like this, when he looked at me that way that I wished that I had met him instead of Sam. I shook my head to rid myself of those thoughts and smiled shyly back at him.

"I-it's o-okay, Jake." I cleared my throat. " I'm fine, really." My voice evened out and remained steady.

"Is everything okay now? I was just worried if I had done something to make you leave earlier?" His voice was soft and gentle and his eyes still shone with compassion. It was at that moment that I realized I had been looking at him the whole time. I quickly dropped my eyes to the table, more of a reflex action than anything else, and cursed myself internally when I heard Jake sigh.

I was determined to keep eye contact more than ever now. That sigh was so heartbreaking, and for whatever reason, I really didn't like to be the cause of his pain. I steeled myself and raised my eyes to meet his again.

"Everything is good, Jake, thank you for asking. I just had a few things I needed to get off my chest. I'm sorry for interrupting our dinner, every now and then things build up and I need to get them out before my head explodes, ya know? I have trouble sometimes holding things together, and I really over think things a lot. I don't know why, it's just a part of who I am, but I'm trying to work on it." Oh. My. God. I couldn't believe I just said all that. What the hell was this man doing to me? I must have had a look of mortification on my face because Jake looked concerned while a small smile played on his lips.

I dropped my eyes immediately, trying to hide my face so he couldn't see how truly embarrassed I was. I laughed at myself softly, trying to understand everything that just happened. Not only did I blurt out a whole lot of personal information, but I couldn't even mask my features, something I had become an expert at over the years. When my mask was up, Jasper was the only person who could read me.

"Edward?" His voice was soft and gentle. "Please look at me." My head lifted and my eyes locked on his all on their own. "Are you sitting there over thinking things again?" He chuckled softly. His eyes remained full of compassion, but there was something else there this time; curiosity and, maybe, hope? "I thought your little ramble was adorable." A small blush ran up my neck to my face.

_Holy shit, he has me blushing._ I looked down for a fraction of a second, and then raised my eyes to meet his again.

"Jacob, what are you doing to me?" I felt a single tear run down my cheek, but before he could answer, Alice and Jasper made their way back into the room.

"Who's up for a game of Scrabble?" Jasper asked while Alice started to clean the table. I nodded my head in his direction and cleared my throat.

"Just give me a minute," I replied.

With one last look at Jacob, I got up and made my way to the bathroom, needing a minute to think.


	6. Realisations

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**This is a few days late, and until the holidays are over it might be late again :D Sorry about that, any enjoy Jacob's point of view**

**Okay on with the story.**

Realisations

Jacobs POV

Looking at the single tear that rolled down his cheek broke my heart. He asked me what I was doing to him, but what he should have been asking was what he was doing to me. The way I felt about him cut me deep to the bone. I knew I could so easily fall in love with him, if I hadn't already. He was so broken, and it was my family that did that to him. I wanted to break Sam in half and leave him for the wolves. Asshole. I would have too, if Edward hadn't begged me not to the first time I officially met him.

_I was nervous as hell as I made my way to his hospital room, my palms were sweating. The phone call from Jasper had reached me as I was about to knock on Sam's door and break his fucking neck. All the things he had done to Edward. Jasper had talked about Edward for years; it first started after I had seen Edward walking out of Esme's office. _

_We were there after taking a victim in to see Esme to get her some much needed help; her ex had beaten her repeatedly and she had put up with it for years, but she just recently found out she was pregnant. Her motherly instincts kicked into high gear and she was out of there. It always bothered me that she thought so little of her own life, but I had been glad none the less that she would do anything to protect her child even before it was born._

_I looked up as the receptionist, Tanya I think her name was, greeted the most beautiful man I had ever seen as he made his way out of Esme's office. He had the most amazing hair; it was a beautiful bronze colour, very unusual. His body was slim, though I couldn't tell what his physique was like as he was hidden under baggy clothes, and his skin was pale, almost translucent. He had bruises coating his face, and he was walking with a slight limp that wouldn't be noticeable to anyone who wasn't paying close attention. He was breathtaking._

_He looked up when his name was called, and I was struck with the greenest eyes I had ever seen, they were stunning. As soon as his eyes hit my face his whole body shuddered and he dropped his eyes, running out of that place with Jasper chasing after him, calling his name._

_I was momentarily stunned by the look on his face. He'd looked at me like he was terrified and I had no idea why. I could only guess that he had been through something very bad._

_Over the years, Jasper had told me about Edward's abusive ex boyfriend and the way they had found him outside the hospital, how Edward had begged Jasper not to hurt him as he lay beaten and broken on the ground, surrounded by blood. The way Jasper described it was similar to how you would think of someone who had gone through a war and barely survived the fight._

_The more Jasper told me about Edward, the more I wanted to meet him, to walk by his side and protect him. I found out through Jasper that Edward was kind, gentle, loving and very loyal. He couldn't say enough nice things about Edward and over time I found myself wanting more than just hearing about him second hand._

_The day Alice called me and said Edward had agreed to go out with me I was beyond ecstatic, and I asked Jasper for advice on where to take him and what his favorite foods were. I had decided to take him somewhere public instead of cooking for him at my place, to make him more comfortable._

_When the phone call from Jasper came telling me the date was cancelled I was gutted, but knew that something was wrong by the sound of Jasper's voice down the phone line. I could read him like a book; his voice pattern was off, sounding strained and tight. When he called me back and told me that Edward had no idea the date was with me and finding out apparently had caused him to have a major panic attack which put him in the hospital, I was irate to say the least. Sam, that little fucker was the one that had damaged Edward to such an extent that he hadn't been able to form a romantic relationship and was terrified to be anywhere near me._

_I knocked tentatively on the hospital room door and waited. I could hear soft voices being spoken, but couldn't make out the words until I heard a, "Jasper don't leave please," and my heart ached just a little more. He was so broken and seeing me would only cause him more pain, but I couldn't help myself, I had to be near him, try to help him anyway I could._

_Jasper pulled the door open and blocked the entrance with his body, stopping me from entering. He leaned down and told me to watch my temper, not to raise my voice and remain calm no matter what I heard. I nodded my acquisition, and Jasper led me into the room._

_Edward thanked me for coming and, in an almost begging voice, asked me to leave Sam alone. I wanted to scream and punch something when just saying his name caused Edward to wince. I growled a little too loud, causing Edward to back away from me and try to hide behind his blankets. I wanted to kick myself for being so stupid. Jasper told me to control myself and I apologized for my slip._

_Edward seemed to steel himself before he continued and explained that he was afraid that Sam would find him if anybody did anything to him. He was terrified of my cousin getting his hands on him again and I wondered, in that moment, just how bad it was. I mean, I knew it was bad, almost as bad as it could get, but there was something I was missing, something about the look in his eyes when he raised them up to hold my gaze, but just couldn't._

_My voice was coated with concern, and I put as much truth into my words as I could muster, willing him to believe me as I told him I would never do anything he didn't want me to. He raised his head to look me in the eyes__ and I could see the amount of determination swirling in them, mixed with the intense fear as he held my gaze and thanked me._

_Suddenly, his facial expression changed and something akin to shock covered his features as he mumbled out his need to speak to Jasper. I was led from the room__ and exhaled sharply as I leaned against the door. That was a lot harder than I thought it would be. It took every bit of my self control not to wrap him up in my arms and carry him away to safety, especially when he apologized to me._

_Voices began to rise from the room. Edward's, specifically, was getting louder and louder. He was getting angry by the sound of it, and what I heard next caused my heart to stop. That fucker not only beat him senseless over and over again, he had fucking raped him. Edward's voice saying the words 'forced sex' echoed through my mind, and without conscious thought, I pushed the door open and walked back into the room._

_I heard Jasper softly whisper, "I guess he didn't know everything," in a resigned voice as I spoke up._

_"He did what?" I tried to control myself, keeping my voice soft and gentle, but my hands where curling and unfurling repeatedly to keep myself from ripping someone's head off. I could feel the tremors rock through me, I was furious. How could he do that to someone so sweet, so innocent? _

_He started whipping his head back and forth, his voice strained as he told me I couldn't be there and he slammed those beautiful green eyes shut. Instinctively, I moved closer to him, craving his presence and wanting to comfort him. My hand reached out of its own accord, wanting contact, but Jasper's hiss brought me back to the reality of the situation. I dropped my hand to my side just as Edward opened his eyes with a small smile on his lips._

_As soon as his eyes locked with mine, he scooted himself so far up the bed I was afraid he was going to fall out of it, panic clear on his face. The words, "Too close," slipped from his rosy lips as his eyes closed again._

_I apologized and took a step back, but I'm not even sure he heard me, as he pleaded with Jasper to get me out of the room. Jasper told me Edward had had enough for one day and led me to the door. My shoulders slumped as I let him herd me out. A single tear slipped down my cheek before I could stop it, but as I made my way across the threshold of the room, Edward's voice echoed in my ears, "Maybe next time will be easier." My heart swelled hearing those words, giving me hope that maybe, just maybe, he would let me into his life. I felt a small smile tug at my lips as I exited._

_Jasper told me not to get my hopes up, but he was encouraged that maybe we could be friends. Would that be enough for me? I didn't know, but I would sure as hell try._

Edward made his way back from the bathroom just as we settled down in the living room with the game all set up and ready to go. I was pretty good at Scrabble, so I was excited about playing it. Oh, who was I kidding? I was just excited to be in Edward's presence.

"Should we play teams, or everyone for themselves?" Alice asked as she reentered the room with beer and chips.

"I don't mind, I plan on winning either way." I said with a cocky grin on my face.

"Oh Jake, you have never played Edward before, the guy is a genius. Don't count on beating him." Jasper chuckled.

I turned to look at Edward who was looking at Jasper with the biggest smile I had ever seen on his face. "Is that so? I guess we shall have to play an 'everyone for themselves' game to see just who the Scrabble champ around here really is, then."

Edward turned to face me, his smile turning from a full out grin to more of a coy looking twitch on his lips. "Okay Jake," he whispered out, sending a shock wave straight to my dick. Fuck he was beautiful, and he didn't have any idea what he was doing to me, looking up at me like that through his thick lashes.

A vision of him writhing underneath me as I plunged gently into him filled my mind, and I had to shake my head to clear that thought. I'm sure my eyes glazed over, and I realized I was staring at him with my mouth hanging open. I snapped it shut as Jasper laughed at me. _Bastard_.

Clearing my throat, I concentrated on picking up my pieces and not looking at Edward. Jasper nudged me under the coffee table we were all sitting around and I glanced up at him to see a shit eating grin on his face. Again. _Bastard_.

I stuck my tongue out at him like a petulant child and focused again on my letters. Edward and Alice both chuckled at my display of infancy and I vowed to be a baby as much as possible if it got Edward to make that glorious sound more often.

I lifted my head and smiled at Edward. "Okay, let's get this show on the road," I said, rubbing my hands together.

We spent the next few hours playing Scrabble and arguing amongst each other over words, checking dictionaries and being right fools. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had so much fun.

Edward relaxed more and more as the night went on, laughing and being playful with Alice and Jasper. It was a beautiful sight. Although he was still reserved around me, every now and then it would seem he would forget about everything and turn to me with a big smile on his face and his eyes dancing with joy before realization would dawn on him, and he would lower his eyes again, a small frown playing on his lips.

God, those lips, so plump and rosy, just begging to be kissed.

He did eventually end up beating me by two points. Two wonderful points that I wouldn't change for the world because those two points were the reason he touched me.

"Well, looks like Edward got the best of you after all," Jasper remarked with a cocky grin on his lips and an 'I told you so' expression on his face. I couldn't argue, Edward was brilliant.

"Looks like he did indeed," I answered with a pout on my lips. Edward chuckled at my expression and placed his hand on my shoulder causing a jolt to run up my arm and through my body.

"Better luck next time, you gave me a run for my money," he said before he realized he was touching me and dropped his hand quickly before excusing himself. "Bathroom," he whispered out as he hurried from the room.

Even though it saddened me that he dropped his hand and escaped rather quickly, I was encouraged that he had reached out and touched me without thought. Not only that, but he had been slowly communicating more and more with me as the night went on.

I took the opportunity to ask Jasper how he thought the night was going and if I was doing anything wrong.

"You're doing great. I didn't think tonight would go so well, but even after a few mishaps along the way, he seems to be getting more comfortable in your presence. Just remember, Jake, he needs time to adjust, so don't expect miracles," Jasper sighed out of contentment before he continued, "It really is looking good, Jake. I have never seen him laugh so much around anyone but me and Alice. Sure he laughs and has fun, but he just seems to light up around you, I can't explain it. He doesn't even realize he is doing it himself." He shook his head as if he was contemplating something.

"Jasper is right, Jake, it really is unexpected. What happened earlier, well we expected that and kind of thought the night might end there, but he pushed through. We gave you a few minutes alone earlier to see how he would cope, but Jasper saw him start to get agitated so we came back in," Alice added.

"You really know how to read him well, don't you, Jasper?" I really wished I could read him that well, but who knew what would happen in the future, maybe I would get that chance.

"After five years, Jake, I can read him as well as he can read me. We have no secrets from each other, it's impossible. He reads me better than Alice most of the time," he chuckled as Alice punched him playfully in the arm before snorting.

"It's true, I can't argue. I would be jealous as hell if Edward was attracted to Jasper," she laughed at Jasper's look of shock.

"How can he not be attracted to this?" Jasper said waving his arms over his body. Edward chose that moment to walk back into the room.

"You are just so scrawny looking, Jazz, you need to be more like Jacob to get my attention." He slapped his hand over his mouth and dropped his eyes to the floor. My heart swelled at the thought that he found me attractive.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to..." He was fidgeting with his hands, looking everywhere but at me as he continued, "I think I drank too much, Jasper." His admission caused Alice to giggle.

"Well, you know what they say, Edward, the truth comes out when we drink. Besides, he is a good looking man; if I didn't have Jazz I would make a run at him myself." That caused me to laugh and Jasper to shake his head.

"Just great, everyone wants a piece of Jake," he chuckled out.

"Well you have nothing to worry about from this end J," I laughed out.

Alice made a _humph_ noise. "Why not, what's wrong with this package?" It was her turn at act hurt.

"Well baby girl, that fact that you are indeed a girl is what hinders you. J would have more chance with me than you," I laughed and Jasper and Alice joined in. Edward eventually laughed along with us.

"Well good luck for me that I have Jasper, then." She clutched onto his arm and planted a soft kiss on his cheek, causing him to smile down at her, the admiration clear in his eyes. It caused a pang in my heart that they could be so open with each other. I wanted to be sitting there with Edward as he said that to _me_ with a kiss to _my_ cheek.

Turning my head to look at Edward, I saw a look of longing in his eyes as he watched Jasper and Alice interact. _He must be so lonely; Jasper said he hadn't been with anyone since Sam._

"Okay, who's up for another game?" Alice asked as she released Jasper from her grip.

"I'm getting tired and obviously had way too much to drink, so I'm gonna head out. Especially if you want me to make that movie tomorrow night," Edward said as he made his way to get up.

"I guess I should be going too," I said, following Edward's move to rise.

"Oh Jake, would you like to come to the movies with us tomorrow night? That's okay with you, right Edward?" Alice said as she walked us to the door.

Edward looked nervous, not just about the question, but about me walking next to him towards the exit. His hands shook slightly, like he was fighting really hard to stop himself from reacting. I really couldn't believe how strong he really was, I just wish he could see it himself.

"Um, sure. That would be okay, I guess," he said keeping his eyes low to avoided meeting mine.

"Sure, I'll go, but if you change your mind about me being there, Edward, just tell Jasper to give me a call. Don't worry, I will understand if you do decide to change your mind." I smiled at him reassuringly as my hand reached for the door.

He nodded his head slightly and pulled his eyes up to reach mine. The green shimmered in the dim light, pulling me in, and I had to consciously stop myself from wrapping my arms around him and pulling him to me.

"You can wait till I'm gone before you leave, Edward, if that would make you more comfortable?" He seemed to debate with himself for a minute before answering.

"No, it's okay, Jacob, I really don't mind." His voice radiated strength, but his eyes openly displayed the fear hidden behind the words. I nodded my affirmation and said my goodbyes to Jasper and Alice, telling them I would see them the next day, unless plans changed. Edward hugged Jasper and kissed Alice goodbye and followed me out the door to the elevator.

"Are you heading up or down?" I asked Edward as I reached out to press the button for the lift to come.

"Down, just one floor," he replied in a whisper, eyes studying the ground intently.

Edward was a strong man, his strength radiated off of him, but around me, he was lost. Fear was his main emotion and I couldn't help but feel the anger that coursed through me every time I thought about why he feared me. Sam. If it wasn't for my promise to Edward, I would have beaten that asshole half to death by now.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened. I shook my head and held my arm out in an invitation for Edward to go first, but he shook his head. Confusion clouded me before I caught on; of course he wouldn't want me behind him, that would make him uncomfortable.

"Sorry, wasn't thinking. Seems to be a habit I have around you." I smiled slightly and walked into the elevator, making sure I stood as close to the corner of the walls as possible. Edward followed after me, taking his place on the other side before looking up at me with a smile of his own, his eye's showing me he appreciated my efforts.

I reached out to push the button for the next floor down and waited for the doors to close.

"Would you like me to walk you to your door?" I asked, sure he would say no, but wanting to be polite.

"That won't be nec..." Was all he got out before the elevator made a whirling noise and started to fall, fast. My hands reached out automatically for Edward, and my arms snaked around his waist pulling him close to me, trying to protect him. The sudden stop of the lift made me drop to the ground, bringing Edward with me. His eyes were darting around the enclosed space, his heart pounding so hard I could hear its rapid rhythm from his position in my lap.

Before I could even comprehend what had happened, Edward was out of my arms and on the other side of the small area, back against the wall, knees pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped tightly around them. His eyes were clamped shut and he was breathing out in heavy pants.

"Edward, are you okay?" His eyes darted to mine, fear clear in them, and it was in that moment that I realized that the elevator breaking down had nothing to do with his terror. It was me, being alone with me in a small space, stuck.

I could feel his determination course through the small space, it was that palpable. He was trying so hard to collect himself and swallow the fear that was trying to consume him.

"Give...me...a...minute...please," he panted out before going back to concentrating on his breathing techniques. I didn't think he was aware that he was speaking out loud, but as the words reached my ears, my heart broke even more for this beautiful man.

"Breathe, Edward, just breathe. You're safe, Jake won't hurt you, it's not Sam. Sam is not here, he can't touch you, he can't find you. Breathe, Edward, just breathe." As the mumbled whispers left his mouth, his breathing started to even out and a small, almost satisfied looking smile took its place on his lips.

His beautiful green eyes opened and focused on me. The fear that had clearly been there before was slightly dulled and he looked very pleased with himself. He stood and dusted off his pants before his hand reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He checked for a signal and smiled again, scrolling though names before hitting the call button.

"Jasper, Jake and I are stuck in the elevator," he stated, his voice calm.

Pause.

"I don't know what the fuck happened, Jazz, can you just call someone? Do something to get us out of here," he huffed out.

Pause.

"I'm fine, Jazz."

Pause.

"No, Jazz, I will be fine, just..." His eye's cut to me for a second before he focused back on the wall. "Just hurry up please."

Pause.

"No, Jasper, I don't need you to stay on the phone with me. I will call you back if I need you, just get someone to get us out. Please."

Pause.

"Okay, bye, Jazz." He flipped his phone shut and turned to me.

"Jasper is getting someone to come help us." He shifted his feet uncomfortably and then took his seat back on the ground. This time he stretched his legs out in front of him, crossing them at the ankle, his hands placed in his lap.

I sat down across from him, mimicking his position, and cleared my throat. "So, what shall we do to pass the time?" I asked, wanting him to be the one to decide how we got through this.

"I suppose we could, um...talk, I guess?" He replied, eyes never leaving his hands.

"Sure, ask me what ever ya want," I smiled and chuckled slightly at the look on his face. His eyes were wide, shock evident, his mouth slightly ajar. He quickly rearranged his expression.

"Are you sure?" He was clearly hesitant, but his curiosity was clear in his eyes. I nodded, and he took a deep breath before releasing it and starting.

"How old are you?"

"I'm thirty one, Edward," I replied.

"Do you always want to be a co..." He broke off and corrected himself, "police officer."

"Yes, ever since I was a little boy. I always loved to help people. The best way I knew to help them was to be a fire fighter or a cop." I used the word he was afraid to use and chuckled. "Since I'm a bit of a wuss when it comes to fire, I went the police route." He chuckled at that and mumbled something about how he couldn't see me being afraid of anything.

_If only he knew the fear I felt for him_. I thought, holding in a dark chuckle that wanted to leave me.

We talked about me for the next hour. He was asking me everything from my favorite color to the most difficult case I have worked on to date. It was like he was trying to peek into my very soul as he took in all my answers. He had slowly relaxed as time went by, and it warmed my heart that I could make him feel so comfortable, considering my appearance.

What I didn't expect was his next question, and I was stunned speechless for a few seconds.

"Do you know where Sam is now?" His voice was soft, so soft I almost missed the question all together. His eyes were darting around the elevator, hands shaking quite violently.

I took a deep breath to clear the anger that coursed through me, but then it was overridden as a peaceful feeling replaced it. Edward trusted me enough to ask me this question. He was comfortable enough to find out, from me, when he could so clearly have asked Jasper.

"He has been out of the country for the last five years; he left two days after Jasper found you. He came back three weeks ago, talking about making changes in his life." I didn't add the part about how he was talking about finding Edward and getting him back. I heard from my Aunt that Sam was determined to get the man he loved back. Just the thought made me shudder. There was no way in hell I would ever let that happen, not now, not ever.

A look of relief crossed over Edwards features when I said Sam had left the country, but when I told him that Sam was back, fear replaced his relief and he dragged his knees back up to his chest, wrapping his arms around himself, burying his head in his knees.

"Edward, he won't find you. I won't let him anywhere near you ever again." His head shot up, and his eyes were wet with unshed tears. He shook his head at me.

"If he finds me, I won't survive it, Jake." In that instance, he was so open, vulnerable. He looked like a teenager, trapped in a man's body, and it was in that moment that I realized that was exactly what he was.

He met Sam when he was barely nineteen, after the tragic loss of his parents. He was still trying to find himself, become the man he was meant to become. Instead he spent his time trying to survive and live through another day. Physically he was a twenty-seven year old man, but his mind was still trying to catch up. I got to my feet and walked over to him, reaching my hands down to take hold of his.

He let me take his hands and pull him to his feet, and I embraced him in a gentle hug. His flinching was evident, and the shaking that ripped through his body as my arms wrapped around him caused my body to shake in response. What surprised me the most was when he slowly wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head on my chest, releasing a deep shaky breath.

At that moment, the elevator came to life, causing us to rock slightly. As the movement stopped, we pulled away from each other. His face was so close to mine, his lips right there, and I leaned in without thought.

Right when my lips were about to touch his, the doors opened.


	7. Double Date

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**This is a week late I know, took time off for the holidays. Updating should go back normal from now on *fingers crossed***

**Okay on with the story.**

Double Date

EPOV

As his face drew closer to me, his lips searching for mine, the one thought that was a constant in my head was not what I had been expecting. Yes, yes, yes, echoed through my brain. I wanted him to kiss me. I yearned for it, my body shaking with anticipation. I wanted Jacob to kiss me and I wasn't even disturbed by it.

I cursed in my head as the elevator doors opened and turned to see who had rescued us. My arms were still tightly wrapped around Jacob's waist, holding on for dear life. When my eyes met Jasper's smiling face, a blush crept up my own and reality set back in, my arms dropped instantly as I took a step backwards.

A faint sigh left Jacob's mouth and his hands fell to his side. "Thanks Jasper, perfect timing buddy," he whispered before turning his eyes back to me. The look on his face made my heart beat faster; I could see the happiness dancing in his eyes, a small sexy smile on his lips. He truly was breathtaking.

Everything that had happened tonight invades my mind, the looks, the talk. Jacob was so open with me, spilling his soul, and no matter what I asked, he answered without hesitation. I had surprised myself when I asked him about Sam, and a moment of euphoria hit when he told me Sam had left the country, only to be shattered again when he said Sam had returned a few weeks ago.

Jacob's voice echoed in my head. He had sounded so sincere when he promised Sam would never find me and I actually believed him, believed he would keep me safe. When he took me in his arms I flinched but when I wrapped my arms around him, the tremor that rocked though me was intense and had absolutely nothing to do with fear. It surprised even me how comfortable I felt in his arms. I had been so safe, I never wanted to leave that feeling, and laying my head on his chest felt completely right.

I was pulled out of my musings by Jasper's voice. "You guys okay?" he asked with a smirk on his lips.

"Fine Jazz," I answered, still looking at the floor, the blush still burning up my cheeks. He chuckled and pulled me to him, slinging his arm over my shoulder, causing a low growl to emanate from Jake. I had to admit it was kinda cute, the sounds he would make when he was being protective and jealous.

"Okay lets get you home Edward. See ya tomorrow Jake," Jazz said as we went to the stairs. We had ended up on the ground floor, and I really didn't want to get into that lift again. Unless Jake was with me.

Whoa these thoughts were getting out of hand, maybe it was the beer. I had been drinking way too much tonight in the hopes of pushing down my nerves.

"Bye Jake," I called out over my shoulder, giving him a small smile.

"Bye Edward." Man his voice was sexy as hell and I felt my body respond.

"Down there big boy," Jasper chuckled next to me, causing me to throw him a disgruntled look.

"Shut up, Jazz," I hissed back.

"So what was that I walked in on there Edward?" His voice was thick with curiosity which made me smile.

"Nothing. We just, um. Oh hell. We spent our time talking and I learned a lot about Jake. He answered every question I asked without hesitation. It was really nice Jasper," I finished on a whisper.

"Well I told ya Jake's a good man, Edward." He smiled, quite pleased with himself.

"Yes he is, Jazz," I sighed, "he really is," I added softer. "I'm just not sure what I'm going to do about it, I mean I like him Jasper, I really like him, but the courage I got tonight, as little as it was, was liquid courage. I don't know how I'm going to feel in the morning when my buzz wears off, so don't get ya hopes up." I smiled my crooked grin at him and he laughed.

"Really Edward, I think you did fantastic tonight. I was so worried it would end badly, but you pulled out that inner strength and rocked it. I think you really have jumped the hardest hurdle tonight Edward, and if what I saw in the elevator was anything to go by, I think things might just work out for you for a change." He smiled softly at me and gripped my neck in a caring gesture, giving it a soft rub.

"I guess all we can do is wait till tomorrow night and see how I go," I sighed, hoping like hell what Jasper was saying was true. We reached my door and I opened it up and walked in.

"Do you want to talk about this for a while?" Jasper asked, concern showing on his face.

"No Jazz, I just wanna sleep. Maybe a good night's rest will help me figure this out." I reached out and hugged Jasper goodnight.

"Okay buddy and sorry for interrupting that kiss," He sniggered as he walked away. I would so get him back for that, I could feel the blush creep up my cheeks again as I shut the door with a little more force than necessary.

The time I spent with Jake ran through my head as I prepared myself for bed. He had been so sweet and supportive, like he instinctively knew what I needed. He walked in front of me to make me comfortable and stood on the other side of the lift to give me space.

Reviewing the night it became obvious that Jake only had my feelings and my comfort in mind and that in itself was amazing. He didn't know me. It was only the second time we had officially met, and yet when I was sitting across from him, I felt like I had known him for years. He felt like home.

How strange was that? I didn't think it was even possible to connect with someone so damn fast, and I thought it would be even harder for someone like me. This was getting way too complicated and I had no idea what to do about it.

A part of me, a very big part, just wanted to go with the flow and see where it all ended up, but there was a small part of me that wanted to run scared.

It all came down to one question, could I be with Jake?

I climbed under my covers and thrashed around for a while, my mind racing with thoughts of Jacob.

Once my eyes closed his image played through my mind_._

_His beautiful plump lips slowly made their way towards mine. Just as we were about to kiss, Sam jumped in and pushed Jake to the floor, kicking him repeatedly._

_"No! Stop! Please don't hurt him," I pled._

_"He can never have you Edward, you are mine and mine alone," he sneered out reaching for me._

_I turned and ran as fast as I could, searching for anyone to help me. My body was shaking, tears falling._

_"Please, someone, help me." My words were soft, my voice locked up and my breaths panting out. Fear consumed me as I ran. _

_"You can't hide from me Edward, I will always find you. No one can protect you from me." I whimpered as his words reached me, begging silently for them not to be true._

_As I turned the corner I hit something solid and felt arms wrap around me. I felt safe as my head rested against a large solid chest, my breathing evened out and my eyes raised up to look at my saviour._

_"Jacob?" _

_"It's okay Edward, I've got you, no one will ever hurt you again," he smiled down at me and tightened his grip around my waist._

_I buried my head into his chest and held on for dear life, inhaling deeply, taking in his wonderful scent. "Thank you Jacob," I breathed out and placed a kiss on his chest._

_"You never have to be afraid again Edward. I promise I will always take care of you, always be there for you. You're safe with me." As he spoke the words, I could feel myself responding._

_He would never hurt me. He could protect me from Sam. He could help me to protect myself from Sam._

_"Will you stay with me forever, Jake?" I asked._

_"Always Edward. I will always be yours."_

My eyes flew open as I bolted upright in my bed, covered in sweat. It had been years since I had dreamt about Sam, but the real surprise was Jacob. He saved me. He wanted _me, _he would always be there to keep me safe and protect me.

I knew it was just a dream, but the realness of it stuck with me, like a knowing just washed over me. It was in that moment I made my decision. Come what may, I was going to give Jacob a chance.

It wasn't going to be smooth sailing, there was so much that could go wrong but I felt confident about my decision. Whether it worked out or not, I was going to try, I _wanted _to try.

I jumped out of bed and headed for the shower with an extra bounce in my step. Tonight was going to be a turning point; I was going to let Jake know I wanted for us to spend time together, alone.

By the time I had finished up eating it was already three in the afternoon, so I decided to head up to Jasper and Alice's place. As I entered the lift, I shuddered slightly at the memories of last night. My hand reached up and touched my lips, thinking about the almost kiss. I wondered how his lips would feel against mine and wondered when I would be able to feel them for real.

The elevator made it safely to Jasper and Alice's floor and I sighed in relief. Walking down the hall, I pulled the key from my pocked just before I reached the door, placing it in the lock and letting myself into their place.

"Alice, Jasper?" I called out. Alice came bounding out of the bedroom, her face lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Edward, thank God you're finally here. Jasper said I wasn't allowed to come down and wake you," the words flew from her mouth so quickly it was hard to make out what she was saying but I managed.

"What's up Alice?" I asked, knowing full well Jasper had told her what he had interrupted last night.

"Come on Edward. THE KISS!" she bellowed, I had to reach up and block my ears.

"Calm down woman-child," I winced. Fuck she was loud for such a little thing.

"EDDDWWWAAARRRRDDDD!" she screamed, causing me to flinch back from her.

"God Alice, please, you could wake the dead," Jasper bellowed from the bedroom.

"Fine," she pouted and pulled me over to the sofa. "Edward, tell me about the kiss?"

"There was no kiss, Alice," I told her as I settled into my seat.

"Jasper said you were in Jake's arms when the door opened, looking like you were kissing."

"Alice, there was no kiss." I looked down at my hands before adding, "There might have been one if Jasper hadn't gotten the doors open when he did." My voice sounded whiny even to my ears and I knew I was pouting.

Alice clapped her hands and bounced up and down on the couch. "Edward that's so exciting. Wait." She looked at me, her face becoming very serious. "How do you feel about it?" she asked.

"I wasn't too sure how I felt about it last night, considering how much I had to drink, but I had a dream last night. Alice, I think I'm ready to give it a shot; I want to try and get to know Jacob better and see where it leads. As long as he takes it slow and doesn't push me, which I don't think he will, I think...I don't know Alice. I think it might be something that could work out." I sighed heavily, I was still unsure but I was determined to give this a try.

"I'm so proud of you Edward. I know this is hard considering who Jake is but really you couldn't find a better man. Besides if he or anyone else ever hurt you Jasper would shoot them."

"Damn right I would," Jasper said as he entered the room with a very serious look on his face. I was pretty damn sure that he would too; I knew he really wanted to beat the living shit out of Sam.

"What time is Jake getting here?" I looked at my watch and saw it was getting close to five.

"He will be here any minute actually. We decided to grab some food before the movie if that's alright?" Jasper said.

"That's fine, I'm actually really looking forward to tonight." My voice was low and I could feel the blush creep up my neck. I just realized I had no idea how to let Jake know I was interested. Was I supposed to tell him? I couldn't do that, I was way too shy with him.

The knock at the door made my heart speed up, he was here. I felt like a teenage girl waiting for her first date, it was horrible. Jasper went to answer the door and I concentrated on my breathing.

"Hey Jake."

"Hey Jasper, still okay for me to come I take it?" he asked, his voice went straight to my dick and I moaned softly to myself. Alice caught the noise and giggled, elbowing me in the side.

"Shh Alice," I hissed out, totally embarrassed.

"It's fine Edward, Jasper's voice still does that to me, my panties are getting soaked as we speak." She giggled again as I gagged. Way too much information right there.

"Hi, Edward." I looked up to see him standing in front of me, that beautiful smile on his face. The first thought I had was to lick his face. This was going to be so much harder than I thought, now that my dick had decided it wanted to come out and play, my libido had kicked into overdrive. All I wanted to do was ravish him, but there was no way I was ready for that step yet.

"Hi, Jake," I replied a small smile on my lips. He made me feel so much all at once, it was hard not to be shy around him.

"You all ready to get going?" Alice asked rising up from the couch.

"Sure," I replied and Jake reached his hand out to help me up. I flinched slightly before I grabbed hold of it and squeezed softly, allowing him to hoist me off of the sofa.

He let go of my hand as soon as he pulled me upright and I felt cold at the sudden loss. He probably caught my flinching and didn't think I wanted him to touch me. I really needed to get a handle on that.

The ride to the restaurant was interesting, Jake and I sat in the back while Jasper drove. His long legs looked rather uncomfortable in the small space as he tried to keep his legs from brushing mine. The way he always tried to make me as comfortable as possible in his presence was not lost on me and only endeared him to me more.

We ate at a nice little Italian place, just down the road from the cinema. The food was great and the conversation flowed easily, as did the wine, leaving me feeling quiet relaxed and rather brave.

By the time we got to the cinema and took our seats I was determined to make some contact between us, something small, just to let him know that I wanted to try. We had let Alice pick the movie, a romantic comedy of course and as the lights went down I could feel the heat coming off of Jake's body.

I found it very hard to focus on the movie and thirty minutes in, I still had no clue what it was about. I was sure about one thing though, now was the time for me to make my move. I reached out my hand slowly and touched Jake's keeping my eyes firmly on the screen. When I felt his fingers gently interlace with mine, my heart started to race and a small satisfied smile took residence on my face.

I turned my head slightly to look at Jake, only to be met with his eyes staring back at me, a large grin spread across his face causing mine to widen in response. He squeezed my hand gently and turned his attention back to the screen, the smile never leaving his lips.

I was happy.

Once the movie was over, we stood up and Jacob released my hand, bringing back that cold feeling. Maybe he didn't want to hold my hand after all. God what if he didn't want to try, what if this was all too much for him? It's not like it was a walk in the park dealing with someone with as many issues as I had, especially when the way he looked was one of the problems.

With my mind going over everything, always over-thinking, I was starting to shake slightly as we made our way out of the cinema but my fears where soon replaced with comfort as Jake reached back out for my hand. A small smile took over my features as I laced my fingers through his, giving his hand a slight squeeze as we walked to the car.

The difference between the drive to the restaurant compared to the drive home was as opposite as night and day. Instead of curling up on himself to stop his legs brushing mine, he stretched himself out, recapturing my hand in his and allowing his leg to rest against mine. The heat coming from him was wonderful and I found myself leaning in to him unconsciously, my head coming to rest against his broad shoulder and a contented sigh leaving my mouth.

Jacob made his own sounds of contentment as his hand dropped mine before he lifted it up slightly, but he quickly dropped it back into his lap. It occurred to me then that he was going to wrap his arm around me but didn't want to push me. Again I was astounded at how lucky I was to have someone so good, so thoughtful, who wanted me and was willing to take his time.

I found my courage building with every gesture Jacob made. Snuggling closer to his body I turned my head to whisper in his ear, "You can put your arm around me if you want to." He looked down at me, his eyes filled with a mixture of hope and compassion as he nodded his head and lifted his arm again, never taking his eyes off mine, and wrapping it lightly around my shoulder. My smile was wide as I looked back at him before lowering my head and placing a soft kiss on his shoulder. His breathing hitched slightly as that beautiful smile of his took over his face. He lowered his head and placed a kiss in my hair before tightening his grip around my shoulders. I slowly reached out and wrapped my arm around his torso as I turned slightly and snuggled in. I felt utterly content for the first time since my parents had died.

Jasper's eyes met mine in the rear view mirror and he smiled brightly, winking before refocusing on the road. I scowled slightly, but there was no heat behind it considering I was wrapped up in warmth and felt way too good to be annoyed at Jasper's _know it all_ look.

"So who's up for a nightcap at our place?" Alice asked, her voice startling me slightly causing me to jump. Jacob's arm automatically tightened around me as his other arm reached over mine around his waist and traced comforting patterns on my arm. I enjoyed the comfort it gave me as I relaxed completely in his arms, that buzzing feeling coursing through me. I would never get tired of that feeling.

"Sounds good to me," Jacob said as he nudged me gently, smiling down at me. I chuckled slightly at his enthusiasm before answering.

"I'm in."

Jasper parked the car and we made our way to the elevator, Jake and I exchanged looks when Alice pressed the button for her floor. I swallowed hard as my mind played back the other night, the almost kiss and my revelations.

Jacob had taken hold of my hand when we got out of the car and was squeezing it gently. "I'm sure we won't get stuck in there again, Edward," he chuckled trying to make light of the situation. He misinterpreted my reaction to the whole thing, I wasn't scared, I was craving being back there, spending time alone with Jacob.

God, I wanted to spend time _alone_ with Jacob. I wanted it to be just me and him, out on a date. The thought made a huge smile take over my face and Jacob nudged me slightly looking intrigued by my sudden shift of emotions. Jasper on the other hand looked at me like he totally knew what I was thinking, which he probably did. He leaned down to whisper in my ear just as the elevator door opened.

"You're ready, right?" He chuckled when my smile slipped slightly as I mumbled about stupid perceptive cops being nosey. Jake led me into the elevator and was surprised when I leaned up against him, my back to his front. When he got over his shock he wrapped his arms around my waist and I placed my hands over his.

I might not have been ready for anything too physical, but having him hold me like this was perfect. The elevator dinged all too soon and Jacob held back letting Alice and Jasper lead the way, before slowly unwrapping me from his embrace and taking hold of my hand.

"You coming," Jasper asked as Jake and I dragged behind.

"Yeah, go on ahead we will be there in a minute," I replied holding Jacob back. I wanted just a little bit of time where it was just the two of us, just to see how well I could cope with him alone.

We took our time, walked slowly together, our hands swinging lightly between us. As we walked through the open door of the apartment, I heard Alice call out to Jasper. "They looked so cute don't you think? I have never seen Edward so relaxed with someone. Jake is just perfect for him. I'm so happy..." She walked out of the kitchen spotting us and stopping in mid sentence, almost dropping the beer bottles in her hands in her surprise.

"Oh I didn't realize, I..." Jasper walked in and placed a hand over her mouth.

"Alice, let's just sit shall we?" He chuckled as he released his hand and took the beer from her hands. Alice was blushing but amazingly I wasn't. I was way too amused by Alice's babbling to let the embarrassment sink in.

Jacob had released my hand during Alice's outburst and was looking down at his shoes, a slight frown on his beautiful lips. I learned into him and whispered softly.

"What's wrong Jake?" He looked up at me and returned my smile before shaking his head.

"Nothing, I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable," he whispered back. I shook my head slightly and sighed.

"Jacob, I'm fine, really. It's sweet that you worry about me so much. It's one of the reasons I like you so much but you really don't have to worry about me around these two. I'm very used to Alice and her mouth saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or more so the right thing at the wrong time, since what she said was true."

That smile I loved so much took over his face as he leaned into me his lips brushing my ear slightly as he spoke. "Really? 'Cause I feel the exact same way. I really like you Edward."

I shivered slightly as his warm breath washed over the side of my face and I looked up at him shyly through my lashes. What this man did to me was indescribable, no one had ever made me feel like this and I was reveling in it. I grabbed his hand and lead him over to the sofa, sitting close to him resting my head against his shoulder. His fingers curled into my shirt sleeve, tracing patterns over my arm as we looked up at Alice and Jasper.

They were sitting on the big chair opposite us, Alice tucked neatly into Jasper's lap, her head resting on his chest, matching smiles lighting up their faces as they watched us. I shifted a little under their gaze, and noticing my discomfort, Jake started the conversation.

We spent the next hour and a half discussing the movie - which I said very little about since I couldn't remember seeing any of it - talking about the meal and just things in general. It was a nice night and I felt so tingly and relaxed I got a bit disgruntled when the night was over. We said our good night's at the door, hugs and kisses all round and when we were out in the hall Jacob asked if he could walk me to my door.

This time I didn't hesitate in saying yes.

"Should we take the stairs this time?" he asked, worry etching his features.

"Where would the fun in that be?" I asked as I lead him to the lift and pressed the button.

"Aren't you scared it will break down again?" he questioned. His face was so cute when he was confused.

"I was never scared of the lift Jake." I took a deep breath and decided to lay it out there for him. "It was never what worried me, it was being alone with you at first, the memories that flooded me, but after that it was this feeling; the one I'm feeling now. Jacob, I wanted to kiss you in this lift, I wanted it so bad, but the thought of kissing you, it's terrifying for me. I dreamt about Sam for the first time in years after last night." Jake growled at the mention of Sam, and stepped back from me.

"Are you ever going to be able to see me, the real me, without seeing him?" he asked, his face full of sorrow.

"I did tonight Jake, all I saw was you." His face lit up in that smile I had come to know as my smile. "I want to try, Jake, I want to see where this..." I gestured between him and myself, "...could go. If you are willing to take it slow and give me time. I know it's a lot to ask, especially since I have no guarantee's for you but I want to try. I want us to..." The elevator dinged, cutting me off.

I lead Jake from the lift to my front door and turned back to him.

"You want us to what?" he asked, his eyes full of hope.

"I want us to date, Jake, just you and me, alone." I gulped slightly, my body shaking, half of me was terrified of where this could lead, the other part, the more dominate part was all in.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Jake, tonight went so well don't you think?" I looked at him as a few emotions flashed over his face too quickly for me to catch what they were.

"Yes I think it did," he said forcefully.

"I may flinch slightly, but I'm working on it, just...if you can be patient. I know it's a lot to ask." I suddenly felt very nervous, my hands giving me away.

"I want it too." He said, looking at me with such intensity. "Edward would you like to go out on a date with me next Saturday night?"

I smiled at him and nodded my head, "Yes, I really would Jake."

"Okay then," he beamed, "how about I give you a call during the week and we make plans?" he added.

"That would be great, Jake, I look forward to it. Do you need my number?" I asked not sure why, since I had never given it to him so there was no way he would have it. He pulled out his phone and handed it to me, waiting patiently for me to add my details. I in turn handed him mine so he could return the favor.

I was suddenly very shy again, my emotions all over the place now that I was out of Jacob's embrace. It was amazing how calm he could make me feel just by touching me.

"Thanks for a great night Jake. I had a lot of fun."

"Me too, Edward, me too," he answered and leaned in slightly, his eyes gauging my reaction as he placed a kiss on my cheek. He lingered a little too long to be considered a chaste kiss but it was very sweet and sent a blaze up my face. I sighed and my hand flew up to caress where his lips had just been, causing Jake to chuckle before wishing me a good night, waiting for me to enter my apartment before leaving.

That night I went to sleep with visions of Jake dancing through my mind.


	8. He's Back

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**This is a week late I know, took time off for the holidays. Updating should go back normal from now on *fingers crossed***

**Okay on with the story.**

He's Back

Jacob's POV

I still couldn't quite believe my luck as I turned away from Edward's closed door and walked to the elevator. Not only did he allow me to touch him, he actually grabbed my hand. I was still stunned by his courage.

Making my way to my car I pulled out my phone to call Jazz. I just had to tell someone about this. I punched the numbers into my phone and clipped my blue tooth to my ear, opening the car door and getting in.

"Hello?" Jasper's voice sounded sleepy.

"Hey, Jazz, did I wake you?"

"No buddy I was just about to head to bed. What's up?" he asked, stifling a yawn. I spent the rest of the drive home gushing like a teenage girl to Jasper about everything that happened tonight, filling him in on our plans for a date on Saturday.

"He really has come a long way Jake, but just remember buddy; nice and slow. Edward is making a real effort because of how he feels about you, but it's hard on him. Just looking at you is a reminder of what he suffered."

"I know, Jazz, trust me I know," I huffed out, slightly aggravated that he was putting a damper on my night. I was all too aware of my likeness to Sam, growing up people always thought we were twin brothers instead of cousins. I had never been fond of Sam, so being compared to him in any way really fucking annoyed me. Now I just wanted to change my face completely, or better yet, rearrange his.

I pulled into my garage and hung up from Jasper, making my way inside to get ready for bed. Thoughts of Sam and Edward clouded my mind. I couldn't help but wonder if maybe the only reason Edward was attracted to me was because I looked like my cousin. It killed me to think that maybe I was just a replacement, the better version of the man he once loved. Hell, for all I knew he still loved him.

After I started developing feelings for Edward I did a lot of research into domestic violence and I found that nearly all victims still loved their abuser. I could sort of understand it, it's not like you can turn off your emotions like that; but still, I didn't like the thought that I was the safe version for Edward.

Did he really have feelings for me at all, or was he just getting closure through me? I huffed and turned over in bed, kicking the covers off of me, letting out a growl of agitation and plain frustration. The worst part for me was that I was all in with him; there was nothing I could do about it. Tonight just cemented it for me, I was falling for Edward Cullen hard and fast and he had the power to make or break me.

What he said to me at his door slightly alleviated my angst though, he was straight forward and honest about how he was feeling, asking me shyly if I would be patient for him. He looked so damn adorable, looking up at me so unsure from under those long lashes, his beautiful green eyes shining with emotion.

When I asked him if he could ever just see me without seeing Sam, he told me he did tonight. My heart swelled and a bit of my fear was laid to rest, but he also gave me no guarantees. It was a mixed bag and I just had to play the waiting game, which I was more than willing to do.

I had been in love before; Seth and I were together for three years before we ended things. I was not as heartbroken as I thought I would be and neither was Seth. Our relationship had just run its course and we remained semi friends to this day. Though we hadn't actually seen each other in a few years, only talked on the phone once in a while and exchanged short emails.

I sighed and rolled over again, pulling the sheet back up my body as visions of Edward ran through my head again. His sexy smile, those expressive stunning eyes, and God he was funny when he was relaxed.

Closing my eyes I remembered how he smelled when I kissed his head, inhaling his scent; the way he felt in my arms, and the way he would hold on to me like I was his saviour. Everything about him was sexy and I could feel myself hardening from the memories.

His wonderful voice echoed in my head, _"I want to date you Jake, just you and me." _When his hand flew up to cup his face gently stroking his cheek after I kissed it my heart melted. How he turned his head into my chest and placed a soft kiss there.

A contented sigh left my mouth as my hand travelled slowly down my chest resting on my torso, my fingers lightly caressing the hair just below my boxers. I imagined Edward's lips kissing my chest again, this time his tongue came out and slowly licked its way around my nipple before pulling it into his mouth and biting down. A loud moan left my lips and my hand made its way under the elastic, my thumb tracing lightly over the head of my now straining cock. My mind played out my fantasy of Edward and what I wanted him to do to me.

_Edward's mouth placed scorching kisses down my chest and torso, his hand wrapped tightly around my rock hard member, stroking me slowly. He looked up at me from under those long lashes, a mischievous smile playing on his lips before his hands grabbed my boxers and pulled them down my legs._

_"Oh God, Edward...please," I begged as he kissed down my stomach and past my cock, instead taking one of my balls into his mouth, sucking gently, causing more moans to leave me._

_"Yes, so good," I hissed out as his mouth released me and moved lower, his hands spreading my legs as his tongue made small circles around my opening before his tongue disappeared into my entrance. "Fuck...ung...ohhhh..." I couldn't form a coherent sentence as his hand stroked my cock in time with his tongue fucking my ass._

My own hand picked up the pace as the images played out in my head.

_Edward moved from my ass until he was eye level with where I wanted him most, his soft ruby lips wrapping themselves around my head, tongue swirling in a slow teasing motion before he swallowed me whole. I could feel the back of his throat tighten around me as he swallowed._

_"Edward, yes...don't stop...ung...fuck..." I moaned out as his tongue licked up the base with his wonderful mouth sucking, cheeks hollowed. He looked beautiful with my cock in his mouth._

I could feel the familiar tightening in my balls as the images of Edward changed.

_Edward was laying under me, his legs wrapped firmly around my waist as I plunged into him, our moans the only sound in the room._

_"Jacob, yes, harder please, faster...Oh God, yes...right there..." he screamed as he exploded all over his stomach and mine. His tight little ass convulsing around my cock, milking my own orgasm from me._

I snapped my eyes open as my cum covered my stomach and hand, my breathing shallow and my heart beating out of my chest. Best fucking orgasm ever.

It took me ten minutes to come down from my high and as I looked down at the mess I had made, I snorted out loud. I couldn't remember ever shooting such a load after jacking off, heck, I couldn't remember ever shooting that much ever. Edward Masen had me under a spell and if this was the outcome, I couldn't be happier.

I had to shower before I could sleep, which was really a pain in the ass considering I was wiped out from my session. If it was this good just thinking about it, I couldn't wait to find out what the real thing would be like.

That thought stopped me dead in my tracks. How could I be so stupid? Edward was nowhere near ready for sex; Sam had taken him when... I stopped that train of thought, knowing if I gave it any attention I would break my one and only promise to Edward and go shoot that son of a bitch in the head right this second.

I was a top, always had been, I had never bottomed for anyone. Edward I knew was a bottom by nature, just one look at him and you could tell but after what he had been through I didn't know if he would ever be able to feel safe enough to do that again. Would that mean he would want me to bottom for him? Could I do that?

My mind swirled with that thought as the warm water from the shower cleansed my body of the mess I made. I knew deep down that I would do anything for Edward, even bottom for him if that's what he needed me to do. I was in way too deep, way too fast, and I had to admit that I was a little terrified of that thought. No one had ever gotten to me like Edward had, I knew he had me wrapped around his finger and I didn't care one little bit. He made me feel alive and even the thought of him made a smile take over my face.

Shoot, maybe I needed to see Esme, ask her if my feelings for Edward where unhealthy, cause at this point, I thought they were. I had no clue if we could make it work, so many obstacles stood in our way, but God I prayed we could figure this out.

I toweled off and slid back into the now cooled sheets, surprised that I had managed to not make a mess there. As I was falling asleep, thoughts of Edward filled my mind.

_Edward was holding my hand as we walked down the street, heading back to his apartment after a wonderful date. His hand slipped from mine and weaved its way around my waist, pulling himself closer to me, his head resting against my shoulder as my arm wrapped around him. A beautiful smile made his eyes shine the brightest I had ever seen them. I kissed the top of his head as we walked into the hallway leading to the lift. _

_We made our way to his front door and turned to face each other, his lips just inches from mine when fear took over his face. He let out a scream just as I felt something heavy come down against the back of my head. The world went dark._

_When I came to, I could hear Edward's pleas for help and I rose quickly to follow the sound. My mind was scrambling to figure out what the hell happened. My ribs howled in protest as I ran down the winding halls trying to locate Edward, his voice sounding panicked. _

_"Please, Sam, don't," reached my ears as I picked up the pace, red clouding my vision. Sam had found him. I drew my gun from the back of my jeans and locked a round into the chamber._

_"Edward," I screamed, but it sounded like a whisper to my own ears. I turned suddenly when I heard a noise coming up behind me only to feel something colliding with my chest. Edward. My arms wrapped around him securely as my eyes scanned the hallways for Sam. I located him at the end of the hall we were standing in, gun in hand aimed directly at Edward._

_"If I can't have him, no one will, Jacob. He belongs to me," he screamed as he fired a shot. I spun Edward behind me, pulling us both down to the ground before taking aim and shooting Sam in the head. Edward made a choking noise behind me, and when I turned to face him he was lying flat on his back, blood pouring from his chest. _

_"No! No, no, no, no," I screamed as I tried to stop the flow of blood from leaving his body. "Hold on baby, please just hold on. I love you Edward, don't leave me," I cried, tears running down my face. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turn to find Jasper standing behind me, Alice tucked into his side sobbing._

_"He's gone, Jake, I'm so sorry," Jasper said before he dropped to his knees bringing Alice with him and laid protectively over Edwards lifeless body._

I bolted upright, my heart pounding in my chest. Only when I scrubbed my hands over my face did I realize I was actually crying. That dream had been so real. I knew my subconscious was trying to warn me about something but I just didn't understand what. Was it about Edward and Sam? Could I really lose Edward? Or was it just my insecurities playing havoc with my mind?

I flopped back down on the bed and looked at the clock just as the buzzer sounded.

I spent the whole day going back and forth with radical theories about my dream, until I just sucked it up and called Edward to check in. Hearing his voice calmed me completely, the way he whispered softly when he was embarrassed or nervous. My stomach fluttered with butterflies as he told me about how much he was looking forward to our date, Saturday night. I had it bad.

The rest of my week dragged by so slowly that I thought time had actually stopped at one point. Jasper was enjoying my disgruntled behaviour, making fun of me often. Asshole. Alice on the other hand was calling constantly about what outfit I should wear and where I should take him on our date. I had to admit, annoying as she was, I really needed her help. I had no idea where I should take Edward. I wanted him to be as comfortable as possible on our date, so my place was out. In the end Alice and I finally decided on his favorite Mexican restaurant and if Edward was feeling up to it either a movie or DVDs at his place.

Alice told me it was a good idea not to make decisions for him about what he could or couldn't handle, but give him choices and let him decide. It was a great idea and would give Edward the feeling of being in control.

By Friday I was starting to get on my own nerves. I was constantly pacing and looking at the clock, praying for it to be Saturday night. I had called Edward a few times during the week and we had decided I would pick him up at seven for our date. He even called me twice, just to say he was looking forward to our date and that he missed me. My heart melted when he said that.

I was sitting in a chair opposite Jasper, discussing a case, when the last person I ever expected to see walked into the station. Sam. My heart pounded loudly in my chest as my whole body began to shake with anger.

Jasper rose from his chair first, placing a calming hand on my shoulder and squeezing gently. "You okay?" he whispered, his eyes never leaving Sam. I blew out the breath I didn't realize I was holding and nodded slightly.

"Yeah I think so; just don't let me do anything stupid, I can't let him know that I know where Edward is. As far as he is concerned, I don't even know who Edward is, or what he did to him." It was fucking killing me having Sam so close, every part of me wanted to rip him in half. I could feel the tension rolling off of Jasper in waves; the knuckles of his hand that wasn't touching me were white from the tightness of his fist.

Sam was looking around the station, until his eyes found mine and he smiled as he made his way over to where I was standing with Jasper. He was about two inches shorter than me and not quite as built; his hair was longer and looked almost stringy and his eyes were sunken with dark purple circles evident under them. He looked terrible, like a man that hadn't eaten or slept for years. A big part of me rejoiced at his look of suffering, a bigger part of me, that I knew I had to restrain, wanted to gloat that Edward was with me and Sam could never get near him again.

"Jake, I need to ask you a favor," he said as he reached me.

"Well hello to you too, Sam," I replied, sarcasm dripping in my voice. I never did get along with Sam; we didn't like each other at all, ever since we were kids. He always rubbed me the wrong way and would bully me, until I shot past him in size and muscle mass. He was a mean bastard and I had little time for him at all. He knew this and must have been desperate if he was coming to me for help.

"Yeah, hi Jake, now can we cut the crap? I need help finding someone and naturally I thought of my cousin, the cop." He smiled at me; well, it was more of a sneer disguised as a smile. I recoiled at the stench of his breath as he breathed out. He was a fucked up mess.

"Who ya looking for?" I asked, disinterest colouring my tone.

"Edward Masen, my ex boyfriend. We had a falling out five years ago and he disappeared in the middle of the night. I wasn't the best boyfriend, but I did love him. When he left it was a wake up call so I went away for a while to get cleaned up and try to be a better man for him. Now I'm ready to find him, but I have no idea where to look. There are no Masen's listed and I have no idea if he is even still in the state. Can ya help me out Jake?" My stomach lurched as he spoke. He was standing there in front of us, drunk and by the looks of it, high, telling me he had cleaned up his shit and wanted his ex back. Who the fuck did he think he was talking to.

"One look at you, boy," I seethed, "tells me you are neither sober or in any shape to be anything to another human being. Look at you, drunk off your ass, high too by the looks. When was the last time you fucking showered? You fucking stink. For fucks sake, Sam, go home, take a shower and check into rehab, once you have done that, we will talk again." I was beyond pissed, my fists were clenching and unfurling at my sides as I restrained myself from knocking his block off. It would be over my dead body, that he would get anywhere near Edward.

Sam was seething, spitting out expletives, his voice rising on every word. "Who the fuck are you to tell me shit, _cousin_. I have never asked you for a damn thing our whole lives, now when I need your help, you turn me down. What the fuck is that? I need Edward back, my life is shit without him. I fucking love him, Jacob, but I guess you couldn't understand that, you have never loved anyone in your whole God damned life, have you?" He was working my last nerve and all I wanted to do was knock the shit out of him.

"Why don't we take this into the interrogation room?" Jasper asked trying to move us away from prying eyes.

"Fuck you, Jasper, you're just as bad as this asshole over here, who is supposed to be my family. Fuck you, both. I will find him whether you help me or not." I smacked my hand down hard on the desk, causing him to recoil backwards from shock.

"What the fuck are you talking about Sam? You don't give a shit about anyone but yourself. You are an abusive, sadistic asshole with no regard for anyone else's safety..." Jasper cleared his throat and gave me a stern look, cutting me off in mid sentence. I gave him an apologetic smile before turning my attention back to Sam.

"You have no idea what you are talking about, Jacob. Who did I abuse huh? What the fuck do you know about anything?" His voice was slurred and he stumbled slightly. I was disgusted that I was related to him.

Two things happened at once: Sam turned to leave just as Edward walked through the station's doors. Their eyes locked, Edward frozen in place, his fear written all over his face as Sam screamed out Edward's name and lurched forward, before Jasper or I could get a hold of him.

* * *

**A/N Next chapter is written and with Beta's now so it should be out on time. Chapter 10 is already a third of the way done. So hopefully no writers block hits and we stay on track. I wanted to say a huge thank you to all my readers and reviewers. Truly your reviews are awesome, even when you want to throw shoes at me. (lucky she wasnt wearing any at the time) lol. Thanks for inspiring me to write better and more often. (and sorry about the cliffie) 3**


	9. Fear and Loss

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader's VanPireNZ and tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**Okay on with the story.**

Fear and loss

EPOV

After my night with Jacob, my week dragged on. Dreams were plaguing me again, but this time they weren't nightmares, they were all of Jacob. He was sweet, kind and loving; and always taking great care with me. I could tell my feelings for him grew every time I had another dream, or another phone conversation with him. He always asked how I was feeling or what I wanted to talk about.

By Friday I was all but ready to burst, my need to see him increased everyday till it was too much to bear. Even with all the phone conversations it wasn't enough, I wanted to see his face, to remind myself of his kind eyes and beautiful smile. I decided that I would take half a day off and go visit Jake and Jasper at the station, bringing some food with me as an excuse. Not that I needed one, Jake and Jasper both told me I was welcome to visit anytime.

My head was swirling with images of my dark beauty as I drove over to the station, the smile never leaving my face. I made my way from the car to the entrance and walked in, my eyes scanning the room for my boys. The last thing I ever expected happened when my eyes locked on Sam's, he screamed something and was lunging for me, I tried to move but my feet were firmly glued to the ground. My body started to convulse and my head started to spin, before another thought could enter my head I felt myself falling as blackness clouded my vision, as I was losing all awareness I felt two arms wrap around me and I knew it was my Jake. A small smile graced my lips before I was out.

The sound of angry voices entered my consciousness as I tried to force my eyes open. I could hear people arguing. It felt like I was in someone's arms, and we were moving. I must have made a sound because the voice's stopped and someone asked; "Edward, oh God, Edward are you okay?"

_My Jake._ I would know that voice anywhere.

"Yes, Edward, it's me, _your Jake._" I could hear the smile in his voice as it registered in my mind that I had spoken out loud. My eyes fluttered open and I looked up into those chocolate brown eyes, so full of emotion, and smiled.

"What happened?" I was at a loss as to why I was in Jake's arms, being carried to God knows where; or why he and Jasper sounded so damn angry. I knew I was missing something, it was right there, but for some reason I just couldn't grasp the memory.

"Stay back," Jasper growled, his voice full of fury. I had never heard Jasper that upset, and it causing a shiver to rock through me. Who was he talking to? That's when I heard _his _voice. Sam. No. The memories came flooding back; my euphoria about seeing Jake, my eyes locking onto Sam's. Darkness. I looked up at Jake and whimpered.

"Please Jake," I whispered. "Get me out of here. Please, don't let him near me." My worst nightmare was coming true, he had found me; or more so, I had walked right in on him. My hands locked themselves into Jacob's shirt.

"Fuck you, he is my boyfriend. Why the hell is he calling Jake his, huh? How long have you been hiding him from me? I will kill you Jake; get your filthy hands off of him." Sam's voice was rough and angry. I knew that voice well; he was drunk and ready to explode. Memories of hearing that voice and what had followed flooded my mind causing my body to shake uncontrollably. I couldn't make sense of anything, and when Jake went to put me down I completely panicked.

"No! No, please no, Jake, don't let me go," I screamed, my head thrashing back and forth and my hands clinging tighter to him. "Don't let him anywhere near me, Jake, get that monster away from me." I heard a gasping sound from behind me.

"Monster? No baby it's me, Sam, I love you so much, baby. I've been so lost since you left. Come home, please?" I felt the bile rise in my throat and turned my head to the side, expelling the content of my stomach. Thoughts swirled in my mind, _home_. No, he was not my home. He was my living nightmare. Jake's arms tightened protectively around me, a small growl rumbled through his chest. The vibrations caused a warm feeling to flood through me and as I sighed, one thought dominated my mind.

"I am home." The words left my mouth like a prayer as I clung tighter to Jacob, just the feel of him gave me the courage to take a look at our surroundings. I looked up for the first time and saw Sam standing there, mouth agape as he took in my words. His mouth slammed shut with audible force as he charged towards us. I buried my head in Jake's chest and screamed waiting for impact, as Jake spun us around, using his body to take the force of the blow.

A blow that never came.

A scuffling sound and then a loud thwack, caused Jake to spin back around and I looked down slightly, spotting Jasper with his knee in Sam's back who had his hands pulled behind him as Jasper placed the cuffs on.

"Sam Uley, you are under arrest for assaulting a police officer. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Do you understand these rights I have given you?" Jasper's voice was strained and that's when I noticed a trickle of blood rolling down his chin from the corner of his mouth.

"Jake, get Edward home, while I deal with this," Jasper continued, before pulling Sam to his feet and leading him back inside the station. It was only then I realized we were in the parking lot. Jake nodded his head in acquisition, though his eyes were burning with anger, which quickly dissolved when he looked at me.

"This isn't over Jake, not by a long shot. I will get _my _Edward back, you can count on that," Sam sneered as Jasper dragged him away. Jake's stepped faltered, his eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared.

"More important than anything else," Jake mumbled as he started walking towards his car, his hands tightening around me. Exhaustion washed over me and as my eyes fluttered close, I noticed that Jake had my vomit on his shirt. I muttered out a very weak "sorry" before I passed out.

I woke up tucked neatly into my bed. My hair was slightly damp, and I was in my pajamas. Rising into a sitting position, my head started to spin as pain shot through it. Just what I needed, a headache.

I glanced over at the clock and was a little stunned to see it was already six o'clock at night; my room was dark except for a light shining underneath my bedroom door. I remembered going to see Jake and Jasper, running into Sam and Jasper arresting him after he hit Jasper. I remembered throwing up all over Jacob, and my last memory before it all went black was of me apologising to him for it, and then, nothing.

Reaching up and running my fingers through my hair, I realized I must have gotten vomit on more places than Jacob. Jasper must have washed me off and changed me. "Jasper?" I called out, throwing my legs over the side of the bed and getting up while clutching my head. "Jasper?" I said a little louder before adding, "Can you get me something for my headache?"

There was a slight tap at my door before it opened, and Jacob was standing there with a glass of water in one hand, some pain killers in the other and a tight smile on his lips.

"Here ya go, Edward. Jasper is still at the station, he called about ten minutes ago saying he was just finishing up the last of the paperwork and would be here soon," Jacob said. If Jasper was still at the station... I looked down at myself and then back to Jacob; his hair was also damp and he was wearing different clothes that looked a little snug on him and awfully familiar.

"Jacob, what are you wearing?" He flushed slightly.

"Oh, well, I was kinda covered in vomit. Alice lent me some clothes that Em had left in her apartment the last time he visited. Jasper is gonna stop by my place on the way over to grab me some clothes."

"Did, I mean, um, did Alice wash me and change me?" I asked, my face heating up at the thought of her seeing me naked. Jacob cleared his throat and looked down.

"Well, she, um, she didn't think you would be comfortable with that so I...geeze...sorry, Edward, but you were covered in puke and smelt really bad. I didn't think it would be a good idea for you to wake up like that. I left your boxers on the whole time, I swear..." he trailed off not knowing where to look. I was stuck between being totally mortified that he had seen me without my clothes on, to totally upset that I wasn't awake to enjoy him washing me down. My dick twitched at that thought, and I blushed even harder.

"Thank you," I whispered as I moved over to him and took the water and pills from him, though I wasn't so sure I needed them anymore. I was feeling rather giddy from having Jake in my apartment, alone. My breathing picked up, and I moved away from him quickly, my hands shaking so much that the water dripped to the floor. The glass slipped through my fingers and shattered on the hardwood.

I was alone with Jacob.

I shook my head hard, trying to clear those thoughts. This was what I wanted, time alone with Jake. _Get a grip, Edward; he just saved you from Sam, putting himself in harm's way using his body to protect_ _you. He was defenseless, having me in his arms, and if Jasper hadn't been there, God knows what would have happened._ My nightmare flashed through my mind.

"Edward?" His voice was low but strong. "Edward, are you okay? Do you need me to leave?" He asked, his voice taking on a sad tone. Just the sound of it snapped me back to reality, and I made my way across the room to him, throwing my arms around his waist and squeezed him tightly.

"Jacob, please can you stay?" My voice was almost begging in its tone. No matter how much I had issues with Jacob looking like Sam, I had more issues with Sam being here. The fact that he had found me caused me to shudder forcefully.

"I'm here as long as you need me, Edward." He voice was gentle and soft as his arms come around me and held me closer. "I would give my life for you," he mumbled so softly, I was positive I wasn't supposed to hear it. I was beginning to figure out Jake didn't really understand the concept of whispering.

He pulled back from me and looked around before looking back at me, "You know, Edward, it's probably a good idea that we leave your bedroom." I had to laugh at that, which caused him to chuckle and pull me from the room.

"I hope you don't mind, but since you were asleep for a few hours, I decided to take a look around and get acquainted with the place. You know, check the doors and windows, make sure the locks where secure, the usual stuff." He smiled down at me.

"Sam?" I knew he would know what I meant without going into detail. Just as the words left my mouth the front door opened and Jasper walked in, looking a little worse for wear. His bottom lip had a small cut on it, and his jaw line was beginning to bruise. He must have heard my question because he quickly answered as he walked over to join us.

"He will be out on bail tomorrow. It could take months to get him in front of a judge. I stayed late at the station trying to push it through quicker, but with how the system works..." He cut himself off and shook his head before dropping roughly down on the couch. He looked tired. "I'm gonna stay with you, Edward - if that's okay - until he is safely behind bars. The only time I won't be with you is when Jake is." His whole posture changed from Jasper my friend, to Jasper Whitlock, Officer of the Law. "I know this isn't fair on you, and I really don't want to come off as if I'm demanding anything, I just want you safe, Edward."

I swallowed hard at that thought. Safe. I hadn't felt safe in years, not until I discovered my feelings for Jacob Black. The man that looked so similar to the man that frightened me beyond belief. Jacob Black, the man that I was sure would give his life to keep me safe. Jasper was the only other person in the world that made me feel that way - safe. Jasper couldn't do this though, he had Alice to think about, and if anything happened to her because of me… I just couldn't live with that. I knew Sam Uley well; he would go after Alice if it served his purpose.

"Jasper you have to stay with Alice. You can't leave her unprotected; Sam will go after her to get to me. He would see her as the easiest target. Please Jasper, I couldn't..." I cut myself off and buried my face in my hands. "Maybe I should just leave. That way you would all be safe. I could leave..."

"NO!" Jacobs's voice was loud and strong. "You have already given up so much because of him, I won't let you leave the only family you know, Edward, I just won't. Even if that means I have to spend night and day by your side." He smiled a little as he spoke; the thought must be very appealing to him, I knew it was to me.

"I agree with Jake, you are not going anywhere. I… _we_ will fix this, Edward. I already took out a restraining order, so if he even looks in your direction he will be arrested."

"How did you get a restraining order? I never..." My voice dropped off as Jasper looked sheepishly to the floor.

"You know those photos were taken of your injuries when you arrived at the hospital, Edward, it's standard procedure." My mouth dropped open in shock.

"You...what? Jasper..." I whispered, looking up through my lashes at Jake as I blushed. "Have you seen them, Jake?" I didn't know why it bothered me so much. Jake had seen me at my most vulnerable tonight, but the thought of him seeing me so utterly broken... I hadn't even known Jasper had seen them; the lady that took them had been respectful, but I was still terrified of her. It was one of the most humiliating times of my life, having someone document all my injuries. I refused to press charges since I didn't want Sam to find me, but I was more horrified of people seeing those pictures. I had been clad only in my underwear as pictures were taken of my face, torso and upper back. The places that held all my injuries.

"Yes." His eyes met mine, before I dropped my head. At that point in time my mind just stopped working. I had no idea what to say or how to react to that. He had seen me completely beaten by his cousin. Those photo's where awful; my face was barely recognisable. I still carried the scars on my body from him. Oh God. The thought of how Jake washed me flashed through my mind. He would have seen them up close and personal. I felt the humiliations seep through me, and a small sob escaped my lips.

"Oh." I had to get out of there. I couldn't face Jacob right now, and I didn't know if I would be able to face him again at this point. How could he love me? How could anyone? I was damaged goods, used and broken.

"I will let you two figure out what to do. I'm going to lie down for a while." I rose from my place on the couch and made my way to my bedroom, shoulders slumped in defeat, and tears rolling down my face at the thought of what could have been.

Entering my bedroom, I closed the door softly and slid down it. My mind was a turbulent swirl of menacing thoughts, and the memories of my time with Sam kept flashing through my mind.

_"Sam, please stop," I begged as he tattooed his name on to my back._

_"Almost done, baby, hang on. You look so beautiful with my name on your body. Now everyone will know that you belong to me." His tone was tender as he slurred his words._

_He had come home drunk as usual and tied me to our bed, face down. After he finished having his way with me, he decided that he needed to brand me so no one else would ever touch me. The pain seared my skin as I screamed out my pleas for him to stop, causing him to laugh and slap my ass roughly. _

_I had no idea where he had gotten the equipment to do this from, or how he even knew what he was doing, but I would now have a tattoo of his name on my lower back, just above my ass._

_Besides the pain from the tattoo gun, my ass was still hurting from his rough penetration. I had not come from his violation, in fact it had been a long time since I had come at all. The bile rose in my throat as he finished up his mark and pulled back to admire his work._

_"Now it matches mine," he said as he came to stand on the side of the bed, where my face was pointing, and turned, lifting his shirt and lowering his boxers, to show me my name etched onto his back in the same spot. He proceeded to untie my restraints and rub down my wrists and ankles, then placed tender kisses on each. As soon as he let me go and left the room, I rolled up into the fetal position and sobbed._

_Why was I still here? Why did I let him do these things to me? Was he right when he said no one could ever love me? Was he all I had? A sense of complete loss washed over me as I tried to stop my crying and even out my breathing before he came back. If he saw me like this it would just earn me another beating, and I still hadn't healed completely from the last one. I dried my eyes and straightened out on the bed, pulling the covers over me._

_"So baby," Sam said as he entered the room, "take a look at my handy work." He brought a mirror over to the bed and pulled the sheets back, pulling me up to my feet. He placed the mirror to give me the perfect view and watched my face carefully for my reaction._

_"It looks wonderful, Sam," I said, keeping my voice low and even. It looked awful, it was red and swollen and the letters were crooked. His face scrunched up in fury and he cracked the mirror over the back of my head causing it to shatter and knocking me__ onto the bed. I could feel the blood seeping through my hair and down my back as I tried to keep from screaming out._

_"You ungrateful bastard. What, you're too good to say thank you, you fucking shit?" He picked me up by the back of my neck and turned me before slamming his fist into my face. "I do everything for you and you can't even say thank you." He slapped me with an open hand this time and released my neck so I fell backwards onto the mattress, landing on my back. The glass that was embedded in my skin sunk deeper, and I whimpered slightly before passing out._

_When I woke up, I noticed he had cleaned me up and bandaged me,; he also placed some kind of gauze over my tattoo. I shifted slightly and groaned as pain shot through me. I would have more scars to add to my collection now._

A tap on the door brought me out of my reverie, and I sighed loudly. I hated this shit; I hated remembering all the things I'd suffered at Sam's hand. I hated that he had damaged me so fucking much that I couldn't function correctly after just seeing him again once. I had made so much progress over the past few years, and now it felt like I was back to square one. He had even managed to ruin me for Jacob. The tapping at the door got more persistent, and I frowned.

"Who is it?" I asked, my voice rough from crying.

"It's Jasper. Let me in, Edward." I scrubbed my hands over my face roughly before getting up and letting Jasper in. I moved over to the bed and sat down, my eyes never leaving the floor.

"What?" I asked, I was exhausted and knew it showed. So was Jasper.

"How ya holding up, buddy?" he asked, sitting down beside me and placing his hand on my shoulder.

"Honestly, Jasper, I've been better. All I wanted was to try and be normal, to fall in love and have a steady, stable, happy relationship, and I really thought I had found that with Jake. But I guess not, huh? Who would want me after seeing all that?" I stood up and ripped my t-shirt off. "Look at me, Jasper, look. I'm so fucking damaged. How the fuck could anyone want something so disgusting? And let's not forget this," I grunted out as I lowered my pajama bottoms and boxers just enough for Jasper to see Sam's mark. He gasped and reached out to touch it.

"Why did you never tell me about this, Edward?" he asked, his voice soft. I felt the anger boil through me, the memories of that night still fresh from reliving them just moments before.

"Why? Why, Jasper?" I was screaming. "Why the fuck would I tell you that, that_ monster_ decided it would be a good idea to tie me to a bed, violate me and then leave his mark on me?" I was still holding my pants down, Sam's name in full view when Jacob burst through the door, his eyes locking on the tattoo.

* * *

**A/N Okay now this isn't really a bad cliff hanger right????? Shoe's will be kept on feet and not thrown at my head lol... (awesome review btw, made me smile so wide lol) I wanted to thank all my reviews, it means the world to me that you guys are taking the time to leave me some love and love for the boys :D I'm all tingly since I have never had so many reviews for a story before. So thank you so much all of you.**


	10. Small Steps Large Leaps

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader's VanPireNZ and tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**Okay on with the story.**

Small Steps Large Leaps

Jacobs POV

I was completely frozen in my spot when I saw Edward walk through the doors. Why did he have to choose that moment to come visit us at work? I watched as his eyes met Sam's, and I saw his beautiful green eyes change from happiness to fear. He dropped the basket he was carrying and food spilled out around him as his beautiful face drained of all its colour.

Sam screamed out his name when he saw him and lunged forward just as Edward collapsed. I had him in my arms before I even recognised I actually moved, and scooped him up before carrying him out the doors with Jasper and Sam hot on my heels.

Sam spewed his verbal assault against Jasper and me as he tried to baby talk to Edward, which only caused Edward to puke everywhere. We were both covered in it. It was in his hair, down the side of his shirt and face, as well as mine, and it was all I could do not to follow in his footsteps and lose the contents of my stomach. You know you really love someone when they can puke all over you and you don't fucking care.

When Edward whispered he was 'home' and clung to me, my heart swelled and I squeezed him tighter, but the moment was destroyed as Sam lunged at us. I spun around quickly; I wasn't thinking about myself at that moment, the only thought in my head was _protect Edward. _The fact that he was in my arms and I had no way to defend us - other than to take the brunt of Sam's blows - was not lost on me, and I would gladly take all of it to save Edward.

All I really wanted to do was put Edward down and beat Sam into the ground. That thought surged through me and almost consumed me. If Edward hadn't needed me so much at that point in time, I don't think there would have been any force in nature that could have stopped me from killing that mother fucker. My body was shaking with the urge – burning through my veins like a wild fire - but one thing was much more important, much more prevalent. Protecting Edward.

When Sam hit Jasper, he walked right into a one way ticket to a night in jail, but I knew he would be out by morning. It was no surprise when Jasper told Edward that Sam would be released, and that it would take months for this to hit the courts.

When I arrived at Edward's place with him in my arms, Alice was already there. He had passed out from exhaustion and shock as I was carrying him to the car. I had hoped that Edward would wake up on his own and that I wouldn't have to take him to the hospital again. I walked over to the couch and gently laid Edward down, covering him with the blanket that was thrown over the back of it.

Alice was a nervous wreck. The last time I saw her this worked up was when Edward was in the hospital, after they had discovered that Sam was my cousin. Smiling at me tentativly, Alice handed me a set of clothing that clearly belonged to Emmett. Apparently he'd left them at her place after his last visit and she thought they would fit me better than Jasper's clothes.

"Jacob, what the hell are we going to do now? I can't believe that fucker found him." I had to suppress a chuckle at, not only Alice's tone, but at her cursing. Alice very rarely swore, Jasper did it enough for both of them.

"No idea, Alice. All we can do now is keep a close eye on him and make sure he is with either me or Jasper at all times. Alice, you will have to be with someone, too; it's a known fact that abusers go after family to get to their obsession. We have to keep you safe as well." Alice sighed and sprung at me, effectively pinning me to the wall with my arm raised up behind my back. The strain of it caused me to wince.

"I think I can take care of myself, Jake. Jasper taught me well, wouldn't you say?" I swiftly reversed our positions, and with gentle force, pinned her in return.

"I'm sure he did Alice, but you can never be too careful." I smiled down at her and chuckled at the look of awe on her face.

"God damn it, Jake, it's not the same; Sam doesn't have police training." I released her and sighed.

"No, he doesn't, but he is still dangerous and will do anything to get to Edward, including using you as bait. Please, Alice, for Edward's sake, just go along with me," I pleaded.

"Fine, fine. I will be a good little solider and do as I'm told, but remember Black; I'm doing this under duress and only for Edward," she huffed out.

"Sure, sure. Now do me a favour and give Edward a sponge bath, would ya? I would hate for him to wake up covered in puke." Alice shook her head.

"Oh, hell no, I ain't doing that. Edward made it perfectly clear that I was not to see him without a shirt on, let alone naked. You're on your own, Jake." She smirked at me before heading for the door. "I will be back in a bit. I have to run some quick errands, so have fun." And with that she was out the door.

_Well fuck._ The thought of giving Edward a sponge bath made my heart clench and my dick twitch. Now _there_ were two opposing forces of nature. Just the thought of seeing him naked thrilled me, but God help me, the thought of how he was going to react when he found out it was me that washed him down - it could set our relationship back to the very beginning, and that thought terrified me.

I sighed softly to myself as I gazed at Edward, who was lying on the couch where I had placed him earlier. I turned and left the room to find what I needed and set about cleaning myself up and changing, before I set some towels on his bed and grabbed a wash basin, cloth and soap. Lovingly, I stripped him down to his boxer shorts and washed his hair gently, before cleaning off his body. It was when I turned him slightly that I saw the mark. Along with all the scars his body held - which were faded, but many - he had a tattoo of Sam's name just below his boxer line. I noticed the black ink poking out the top of his boxers, which had slid down slightly from moving him, and I was curious what kind of tattoo he would have. Turned out I shouldn't have looked. The writing was crooked and looked like a child had taken a magic marker to his body.

That was when I rushed to the bathroom myself and finally expelled the contents of my stomach. I wondered how this had happened, and what exactly Edward had gone through when he received this branding. Because that's exactly what it was; someone marking their territory. My heart ached for him.

I washed my mouth out and ran back to his side. I finished washing him and dressed him in pajamas, and then I moved him to the other side of the bed so I could remove the towels I had laid underneath him and tucked him in. The reality of washing Edward was ten times worse than I had imagined, and it wasn't until I was done that I realized I was crying.

It was three in the afternoon as I closed his bedroom door, after cleaning up the mess, and started to pace. Sam was back, he knew Edward was in town and he knew Jasper and I were attached to him. I scrubbed my hands roughly over my face and blew out a harsh breath. This was a fucking nightmare.

Walking around the house, I checked the locks on the windows and door to make sure they were secure. It seemed Edward was pretty serious about his protection, his locks where all top of the line, though getting him an alarm system would be on my to-do list. I also knew that either Jasper or myself would have to be with him twenty four seven till we got Sam out of the way. The idea of being with Edward so much both thrilled and saddened me. I was thrilled at the thought of being around him constantly, but I knew that it would be something that Edward couldn't deal with just yet. We were only just starting to get to know each other, and even though he felt comfortable enough around me to touch me, could he deal with being alone with me in his apartment?

My anxiety was through the roof at the thought of him waking up to just him and I, alone in his place. He had suffered enough trauma today and I didn't think he could handle anymore.

The sound of him calling out for Jasper woke me from my reverie, and I sighed, raking my hands through my hair, pulling slightly at the still damp strands. I took a much needed deep breath and retrieved a glass of water and some pain medication from the kitchen cupboard. I knew where things were from checking out the place while he was sleeping. I tapped lightly on the door and entered. The look on his face was what surprised me the most; he looked almost happy to see me.

When he asked about his clothing and mine, I knew I was blushing as I stumbled over my explanation, expecting him to lose it completely. Instead, he surprised me again by saying thank you and walking over to me to take the water and medication. A strange look passed over his face as he started to shake and dropped the glass of water onto the floor causing it to shatter.

I started asking if I should leave, if he was okay, and before I knew it, he was attached to me, his arms secured tightly around my waist, begging me to stay. My heart pounded fiercely in my chest as the first genuine smile all afternoon made its way onto my lips. I told him I would stay as long as he needed me, and whispered that I would give my life for him. Maybe I didn't whisper too well because his breathing hitched and his grip tightened on me.

After making a joke about getting out of his bedroom because, really, having him standing in front of me half naked was doing nothing for Jacob junior , he asked about Sam. Just then, Jasper walked through the door, looking utterly exhausted and ready to kill.

The conversation led to how we were going to protect Edward, and a part of me swelled with pride when Edward brought up the fact that Alice would need to be kept safe too. It was the conversation about the photos, that followed, that had Edward on edge, and when he asked me if I had seen them and I nodded, all of the colour drained from his face. I could see by the look on his face that he was withdrawing into himself; I was going to lose him if I didn't act swiftly. The problem was, how do you convince someone that they are worthy of being happy and loved? Edward's eyes looked dead when he left the room, he was so fucking broken in that moment, worse than I had ever seen him before, but what I was seeing matched the description of what Jasper had told me Edward looked like in the beginning, when he'd first found him and the months that followed.

I looked at Jasper and saw pain and sorrow reflected in his eyes as a single tear ran down his cheek, before he scrubbed at his face angrily. "What the fuck are we gonna do, Jake? I can't bear the thought of Sam getting his hands on Edward again; it would kill me if anything happened to him. Oh God, Jake, Alice would be inconsolable if..." He cut himself off with a loud sigh and dropped his head into his hands.

"Jasper, we will fix this. Between the two of us we can keep him safe, we just have to be vigilant. I can't...I won't...not now Jasper, I just found him." My shoulders slumped forward as the weight of it all pushed down on me. Jasper stood and walked over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder and squeezing gently, I was always amazed at how his touch alone could comfort and calm. He had a gift.

"You're right, Jake, we will figure this out, but for now I'm going to check on Edward." He released me and made his way down the corridor to Edward's room. I heard him knock a couple of times before the door opened and closed.

I started to pace, trying to take deep breaths and figure things out in my head, when Edward's voice cut through my fog.

"Why? Why, Jasper?" He was screaming, "Why the fuck would I tell you that that_ monster_ decided it would be a good idea to tie me to a bed, violate me and then leave his mark on me?" Edward's voice was loud, angry and filled with disgust. I rushed to his room and burst through the door, my eyes falling to the tattoo on full display. I frowned and shook my head slightly before raising my eyes to meet his.

Edward quickly covered himself and dropped to the floor, a loud sob escaping him as he began to mumble. "Please, oh God, please. Now he knows how damaged I am. How could someone like that ever love me? I'm worthless..." His body rocked back and forth with the force of his cries. I made my way over to him instinctually , the only thing I could think of was to comfort the man I loved. It was true, he had my heart and I was not ashamed to admit it, too soon or not, I couldn't care less. He needed me.

I scooped him up in my arms and he clung to me, much like he had in the parking lot. His face pressed into my chest, and he threw his arms around my neck, pulling himself further into me. "Shh... Edward, it's okay, baby, I'm not going anywhere. Trust me please. You are worth it; you are so wonderful and kind, compassionate and loving. Edward, please, you don't see yourself the way I do." I took a deep breath and threw myself all in, no matter the cost. "Edward, I love you." I buried my head in his hair as his breathing calmed and his grip tightened. I turned and saw Jasper smiling down at me before he shut the door softly behind him.

Edward pulled away from me slightly, his face red and splotchy from his crying. "How can you love me, Jake?" He sounded so broken, yet I could see the hope in his eyes, the longing to be truly loved and cared for.

"I didn't have a choice Edward; you found your way into my heart and moved in." I chuckled slightly from nerves before I continued, "I know it's fast, I just...Edward, I can't explain the how's or why's very well, all I can tell you is what I feel. When I look at you I see the one person in this world that was meant for me, the one person I would lay down and die for. Nothing that has happened to you in the past is your fault, Edward, but you have to understand one thing - you are worth it, especially to me." He took a deep breath and leaned forward, his lips pressing tentatively to mine. My heart started racing in my chest as his lips grew more forceful and he tilted his head as his hands cupped my face. His tongue came out and pushed its way into my mouth, causing a sigh of contentment to leave me as I deepened the kiss. My hands ran up and down his back several times before they made their way into his soft, silky hair, and I weaved my fingers through the strands.

Edward pulled back, panting slightly before blushing and burying his head in my chest. "Say it again, Jake." I knew what he meant, as I somehow always seemed to when it came to Edward.

"I love you," I sighed softly into his hair as my hands held him to me. "We will get through this, Edward. Together."

"Promise, Jake?" he asked, pulling back from me to look into my eyes. Edward had a way of looking at you, like he could pull the truth of your words right out of your head. It was unsettling at times and made my heart stammer under his gaze.

"I promise, Edward. Always." I placed a gentle kiss on the top of his head before I added, "You and me."

There was a loud crash that came from the other room. Edward sat up and started to shake violently before we heard a sweet voice call out. "Sorry, boys, just me. I dropped a damn bag," The giggle that followed caused Edward to chuckle. "Alice," was all he said as he shook his head.

"Come on, Edward, let's get off this floor and go see what she destroyed," I said as I got up, pulling him with me. We made our way out into the kitchen, after Edward pulled on a t-shirt, and found Alice and Jasper close together, foreheads touching and talking softly.

"What did you do, Alice?" Edward said as he made his way to them, pulling me with him, my hand held tightly in his.

"I went to stock up on food and necessities for us all and decided that we would all camp out here for a while. I have board games and changes of clothes for everyone..." Jasper cut her off with a soft "fuck" before he turned to me.

"Damn, Jake, I forgot to go pick up your stuff on my way back here."

"Never mind, Jazz, I did it," Alice said as she pulled one of my duffel's from behind the counter.

"How the hell did you get into my place, Alice?" I said, rather impressed that she had managed to get through my alarm system, not to mention my deadbolts.

"Oh, that's easy. I remember the alarm code from the time you went away and I had to go water your plants, and I had a key cut, just in case," she smiled at me, her eye's dancing with amusement.

"Sneaky woman child," I scoffed, using Edward's nickname for her. She turned to look at Edward, arms crossed over her chest. Edward just smiled sheepishly and blushed under her gaze before moving to stand behind me.

He leaned in and whispered in my ear, "You're in trouble now, and I think you dragged me with you," before pulling back and chuckling. _Oh shit,_ Alice hated that name and the only one that could call her that was Edward. He had told me about it on our walk back to the apartment from the elevator the night after our double date. He had also mentioned that I should never, under any circumstances, call her that.

"Crap, I'm sorry, Alice. I didn't mean to say that, it just slipped out." I held a look of contrition and Alice's eyes softened a little.

"You get one, Jake, and only because you mean so much to Edward and Jasper. As for you, Edward, telling people that nickname is strictly forbidden by the covenant of Alice. You know the rules and you will be punished." She started to laugh as she moved towards us, her eyes glued on Edward. He squealed, causing me to laugh, as he tried to keep himself hidden behind me.

"Oh God, Jake, don't let her get me..." His voice faded away as he stood in front of me, his arms pulling me tightly as his face buried itself into my chest yet again. I held my hand out to Alice, my face serious as I shook my head at her. His words from earlier reverberating in my head. Edward surprised me by taking a deep breath and holding his head high; although, his grip tightened on me slightly as he turned his head to look over his shoulder at Alice and Jasper. Alice had curled herself into Jasper, her lip quivering as tears ran down her face silently, Jasper whispering in her ear. Alice nodded at Jasper's words, never breaking her gaze from Edward, meeting him head on when he dropped his hands from me and turned around completely. He rested his back against my chest and pulled my arms around him, silently drawing strength from me. I smiled - despite the situation - because he wanted me.

"I'm so sorry..." Edward cut Alice off by holding his hand up and shaking his head.

"No, Alice, I'm sorry, it's just a little fresh is all, and with Sam out there, knowing that I'm near..." He shook his head slightly and leaned back into me more. "Let's just forget it happened, okay? Let's make some food and play games."

"Sounds good," Jasper said, "but how about we order in because I really don't have the energy to cook. I just wanna fall down onto the floor and relax."

We ordered in pizza and played cards for a few hours before the day really started to affect us all. Yawns were being passed around and eyes were starting to droop.

"Okay, time for bed. Where are we all sleeping?" Alice said as she pulled herself up and stretched. I turned to look at Edward, unsure of what he wanted.

"Alice and Jasper, if you are gonna stay here then take the spare room, it's already made up. Jake, I only have two bedrooms..." he broke off and looked at the floor before looking back at me, his eyes filled with determination. "You can share my room if you like?" His voice was soft, with almost a child like quality to it. Alice and Jasper both gaped in surprise before they schooled their faces back to a neutral expression.

I was looking at Edward, my own mouth agape, eyes wide in surprise; when I felt his fingers reach under my chin and close my jaw shut. "You don't have to if you don't want to..." he began, but I cut him off quickly.

"Lead the way, Edward." My voice sounded husky, even in my own ears, and I cleared my throat as Jasper laughed. Asshole. But the smile never left my face as I got up and pulled Edward with me and made my way to his bedroom, with him.

* * *

**A/N Okay so this is a day late, sorry about that. I have the next chapter already written as I do with every following chapter before I post but sometimes it takes longer with the Beta's than usual..they are busy people. So anyways here it is hope you enjoy it :D **

**Oh and Me and a few of my girls are doing a contest. Its a NO BELLA ALLOWED CONTEST. Which means no Bella in the fic at all. Submissions are being accepted from the 1st Feb, details can be found here: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2216993/**


	11. Bedtime bonding and sleepy mishaps

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader's VanPireNZ and tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**Okay on with the story.**

Bedtime bonding and sleepy mishaps

EPOV

I was struck frozen when Jacob burst into the room, his eyes on the tattoo. The look on his face was what brought me to my knees. He was frowning slightly, shaking his head, before his eyes raised to meet mine and in that one second, I couldn't take it. I dropped to the floor like I had been stunned, loud sobs ripping themselves from my chest. He would know now how truly disgusting I was; how truly unlovable.

Words left my mouth in a flurry as my body rocked with the force of my cries, "Please, oh God, please. Now he knows how damaged I am. How could someone like that love me? I'm worthless..." My voice cut off in broken sobs. The next thing I knew I was in Jake's arms, cradled to his body with such loving care that I couldn't help but throw my arms around his neck and bury my face in his chest. I inhaled his scent deeply, hoping it would calm me as he spoke to me. Very few of his words registered with me until he said those three little words - three little words that changed my world. My breathing slowed and my grip tightened on him before I slowly pulled away, a battle raging in my head.

"How could you love me Jake?" My voice was a broken whisper, but the hope that welled up inside me was almost crushing. Could he really love me?

"I didn't have a choice, Edward; you found your way into my heart and moved in." He chuckled slightly before he continued, "I know it's fast, I just...Edward, I can't explain the how's or why's very well, all I can tell you is what I feel. When I look at you I see the one person in this world that was meant for me, the one person I would lay down and die for. Nothing that has happened to you in the past is your fault, Edward, but you have to understand one thing - you are worth it , especially to me." His speech broke something in me, like opening a locked door with a battering ram. He loved me. Before I could even think, I leaned in and pressed my lips to his, gently at first and then with much more force. My hands cupped his face and I tilted my head before pushing my tongue into his mouth. He sighed softly, deepening the kiss, and my heart melted for the first time in a very long time. I knew in that moment that I loved him, and I was terrified of it. I wasn't ready to tell him yet, but I knew without a doubt that I would be with him for as long as he would have me.

I needed to hear it again; I needed to hear it often.

My dick twitched - shocking me slightly after everything I had been through today - causing me to pull away from the kiss. When I asked him to say it again, he did so without hesitation and with promises of us together, always.

A loud crash from the other room startled me and I started to shake; tremors rocking through me as my mind began conjuring up images of Sam breaking into the house and killing us both. Alice's voice and giggle broke through my haze, and I smiled almost in relief and muttered "Alice," while shaking my head.

Jake said we should go out to the others and helped me to my feet. I pulled a t-shirt on before we made our way from the room into the kitchen to see Alice and Jasper deep in conversation, their foreheads touching. The usual pang of loneliness I felt from watching these too interact so loving was strangely absent and I knew the reason for it was next to me, our hands clamped tightly together.

I cleared my throat, gaining both of their attention, and asked Alice what she had done. After she finally finished explaining all the things she'd picked up for us, Jasper spoke up in an agitated voice about how he forgot to get Jake's things.

Alice smiled her _I just did something I wasn't supposed to do_ smile and explained that she had managed to get into Jake's and grabbed his gear; having kept the code for his alarm system and copying his key the last time she house-sat for him. I laughed out loud when Jake called Alice 'woman child', telling him he was in trouble now and was dragging me down with him. As Alice began stalking toward us, her eyes on me the whole time, I squealed and tried to hide myself behind Jake, begging him, "Oh God, Jake, don't let her get me."

I realized as I said them that I had used those words before, when Jake protected me from Sam, and the memory those words provoked caused my world to crash down around me. The memories continued to flood through my head as I buried my face into Jake's chest. I was starting to think maybe I should just move into Jake's chest, with many times my head was buried there. I took a few deep breaths and steadied myself. No, Sam was not going to ruin this for me. He had taken enough from me already and Jake was the first person that I could see myself being happy with. Maybe even spend forever with. And Alice and Jasper, he wouldn't ruin them either, the only family I had.

I looked over and apologised for my outburst, saddened by the look on Alice's face, tears shining in her eyes and flowing down her cheeks. I hated seeing her like that because of me.

We got food and played games until it was bed time, and I tried to keep my nerves under control while I told Alice and Jasper to take the spare room, and informed Jake that I only had two bedrooms so he was welcome to share mine if he wanted to.

He stared at me, his mouth hanging open, which caused my nerves to settle slightly as I reached over and shut it for him, telling him he didn't have to if he didn't want to. Jake just asked me to lead the way, causing my stomach to flip and my dick to twitch as he pulled me up.

On the way through to my room, we stopped in the kitchen so Jake could grab his bag. When we entered the bedroom and the door closed behind us, my nerves really flared up and pooled in my stomach. Could I really do this? Could I share my bed with Jake? I knew without a doubt he would never try anything, and that thought made me happy and sad all at once. My body craved Jake, but my mind was slow in catching up. I knew I wanted him, I knew I needed him; but I was just not ready to do more than knowing it. I had very little experience when it came to this kind of thing, and the one partner I'd had was not the best role model to build a lasting, loving relationship on.

He took a pillow and blanket and laid them down on the floor before taking some clothes out of his bag and heading to the bathroom. "I will sleep on the floor, Edward. Let me get changed and I will be out in a second," he said over his shoulder.

I looked down at my hands and realised they were shaking uncontrollably; Jake must have noticed and was leaving the room to give me space. He always seemed to know exactly what I needed, even before I knew. I would have to ask him how he did that.

While he was getting changed, I pulled the blanket and pillow off the floor and put them back on the bed, climbing in under the covers and waiting for Jake to return. When he did, he walked over to the bare floor and looked at me like I was insane. "Edward," he breathed out, his voice thick with worry, "I should really sleep on the floor..." I cut him off quickly.

"Jake, the floor is too hard; you need a good night's sleep after today. It's fine, really." I looked down at my hands, which had now stopped shaking, and whispered, "I need you next to me, Jake." It was true. I needed him near by me; he made me feel safe and protected and loved, and maybe it was selfish of me, but right now I needed that, I needed him.

"Are you sure? I can always sleep on the couch, Edward - that's nice and soft." I sighed softly and a small smile pulled at my lips as I pulled the covers back and patted the other side of the bed. I had no idea what had gotten into me, how I could be so comfortable in Jake's presence, how he managed to worm his way into my heart, or even how I could want him in my bed. All I knew was that I did, and I was tired of fighting with myself, tired of being afraid and tired of living like I was. I wanted to be happy and Jake made me feel so much all at once.

He climbed into bed, making sure not to touch me in any way. It was almost comical the way he was hovering over the edge of the bed, almost falling out. Jake was a big guy, so I was pretty sure he was gonna need to take up most of the bed, yet he tried his hardest to minimize the impact of his presence.

"Jake, please, just relax and get into bed properly before you fall out and land on your head," I chuckled. Jake turned to me, his face furrowed with concentration as he tried to keep his balance. He huffed and moved into the bed comfortably before turning to me and poking his tongue out.

"Happy now?" He asked before wiggling around while smirking at me.

"You said get comfortable," he said when I gave him a look of annoyance at all his movement. I laughed at him and rolled over onto my side to look at him.

"Jake?"

"Yeah?" he asked as he turned to face me.

"Thank you for today, for everything you have done for me so far. I'm still not sure how you managed it, but I feel safe in your presence now." He rolled his eyes at me and grinned a little. "Fine, I still get a little worked up sometimes, but Jake, you do realise I kissed you today, right?"

"I think I can recall something along those lines." His eyebrows were furrowed as if he was trying to recall a memory; he was teasing me. I slapped his arm and laughed again before turning serious.

"Jake, that was my first kiss in five years." I looked down at the quilt and pulled invisible lint off the cover. Jake was completely silent and it was killing me, so I managed to pull my eyes up and look at him. He had unshed tears shimmering in his eyes and a huge ass smile on his face.

"Edward; I could promise I would never raise a hand to you, I could promise that I would always be here for you. I could promise a lot of things, but I don't really think that would do any good. So instead of making promises, I'm just going to show you. Show you how I feel about you, show you that I will keep you safe. I want to be with you Edward. I want to touch you and kiss you and love you but I will do all of these things on your terms." I swallowed hard at his words. Again, he just knew exactly what to say, how to word things so he could break through to me.

"Jake, how do you do that? How do you always know the right thing to say?" He smiled his big goofy smile as he reached out and ran his fingers down my cheek softly. I gasped. "Jake, I didn't...did you see that?...I didn't...I can't believe..." He finished what I couldn't quite vocalise.

"You didn't flinch, Edward." I was shocked. I had always flinched for Jake, I thought I always would. The only time I hadn't flinched was when he was protecting me from Sam. A huge smile took over my face as Jake cupped my cheek and I leaned into his touch. It was warm and sent that familiar tingle through me.

"Jake, do you feel that when we touch? That tingly feeling?"

"Yes, Edward, every time." His smile was soft, and his eyes were gentle as he watched me, waiting and listening as I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. I had to admit my mind was all over the place, as were my emotions. I felt happier than I had in a very long time. I was scared, nervous and a little insecure, but most of all I felt safe. Maybe even complete? These were all foreign emotions for me, almost like a memory from some distant dream.

Jake rolled over onto his back, his arm stretched towards me in offering. I hesitated for a split second before I curled into him, resting my head on his chest and sighing in contentment. Home.

Thoughts swirled through my head as it rose and fell gently with Jacob's breathing. "Jake, does this mean you're my...um...does this me we are like...um...you know...?" I couldn't get the words out.

"Your boyfriend? A couple?" He finished for me again. I felt the blush creep up my face as I nodded my affirmation into his chest. "Yes, Edward, if that's what you want. It would make me very happy to call you my boyfriend." He placed a kiss on my head and pulled me tighter to him. It still amazed me that I could be so comfortable in his arms, allowing him to be so close to me. I felt like a teenager in every way around him, Jake made me see life in a totally different way. I was almost giddy in his presence most of the time, except for when I was in panic.

I rolled over so I was laying on my stomach, draped halfway over Jake's body, my head resting on my folded arms across his chest as I looked up at him. "Jake?"

"Mmm?" He was watching me closely, like he was studying my every action and reaction to his presence. That thought tugged painfully at my heart. Jake had already done so much for me, and he continued to put my needs first, worrying about how I was coping, and it wasn't until that moment that I realized my issues were affecting him too.

I tried to look at it from his point of view. How would I feel if it was Jake in my place and I was the one watching him suffer? Tears formed in my eyes and I shook my head quickly to dissolve the images. Every part of me would want to kill the person that had hurt him and I wondered how he controlled himself from doing just that to Sam.

"I was just thinking. How did you stop yourself from going after Sam?" He looked at me and frowned slightly, a small growl rumbling through his chest, causing its vibrations to run through me. My dick twitched for the third time that night, and I couldn't hold back the moan. Jake smiled at me and caressed my face with his hand while I blushed furiously at my lack of control. But Jake, being Jake, ignored it and answered my question.

"It was extremely difficult. But, Edward, you… You're the reason I didn't go after Sam. You needed me to be strong for you, to hold you and keep you safe. It's that simple. You come first." He shrugged his shoulders as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, and I fell a little more in love with him in that moment.

Tracing a pattern onto his chest, I thought about what he said as I watched my fingers form shapes, and without permission the words tumbled from my mouth with a sigh, "I love you, Jake." I slapped my hand over my mouth and looked up at Jake, who was looking back at me with the biggest smile on his face I had ever seen. He gently removed my hand from my mouth and leaned up, kissing me gently on the lips before pulling back.

"I love you too, Edward, so very much," he sighed and then pulled me closer to him.

We spent the next few hours laying there, talking about everything and anything. I told him about Sam, how we met, when things went wrong and some of the less dramatic stuff he had done to me over the years I was with him. We talked about my tattoo, and Jake asked why I still had it. That was a very complicated answer, but I told him the best I could. How I kept it as a reminder, to never let another person control me again, but more so, I was terrified of tattoo guns. Jake promised that when I was up to it, he would go with me to get it covered up, since that was quicker and less painful than having it removed.

Jake told me how proud he was of me for leaving, how much strength it took to allow myself to let him into my life after everything Sam had put me through. He told me about past relationships of his. How he had dated a few but never really found 'the one'. He said he was close with his last boyfriend but something just felt off, and they parted on friendly terms.

Somewhere during our long talk I had managed to crawl on top of Jake and I was surprisingly comfortable in that position. Everything about this was perfect; the sound of his voice calmed me, the touch of his hands, sliding up and down my back, reassured me.

"Jake, can I kiss you?" He smiled brightly at me, causing me to blush.

"You never have to ask to kiss me, Edward. My lips are yours whenever you want them." It was such a simple statement yet it held so much passion. I leaned up and captured his lips in mine, softly at first and then with more pressure. His lips were soft and full, they felt almost silky under mine, and I moaned at the feeling of them. Jacob's hands tightened around me, pulling me closer as he tilted his head and opened his mouth to me, my tongue sliding in, caressing his gently. My hands fisted themselves in his hair, trying to pull him closer as the kiss became more frantic. I needed this, I missed this, only Jake could get me to react this way.

My body felt like it was on fire as I pulled away from his mouth and kissed down his jaw and neck, before moving back to his mouth. I felt myself harden as I pressed myself into Jake, and found myself grinding my hips into his already hard cock. I moaned at the feeling and repeated it. The only thought in my head was _I need release, I need release_ playing over and over. Five years was a long time not to have this contact, and I needed something, anything to relieve it.

Jake placed his hands gently on my hips and pulled back to look at me. "Edward?" he questioned, watching my eyes carefully. I shook my head at him before kissing him again. My hips continued to grind into his at an almost frenzied pace. I was moaning and grunting as I pulled him even further to me.

"Jake, please, I need this, I need you," I grunted out between thrusts. I wasn't sure where this new found confidence was coming from but I was enjoying it. Our lips reconnected as Jake gave in to me, his hips meeting mine thrust for thrust.

"Edward, you feel so good, oh God," he whimpered as he continued to grind into me. I felt so complete and whole in that moment it was almost dizzying. My hands started to roam his body and the speed of our thrusts picked up. Jake's hands on my hips were now guiding instead of restraining.

Jake's hands slid around my hips under my shirt and then inside my pants; his hands cupping my ass, skin on skin. It felt fantastic and I moaned my appreciation into his mouth. His fingers slid up and down the crack of my ass before one started teasing my entrance in slow, gentle circles. I moaned again, pushing my ass back into his hand.

"Please, Jake," I whimpered against his lips. A fire coursed through me and I had the need to feel him inside me, filling me. His finger pushed gently into my entrance as our thrusting continued, and that was all it took to push me over the edge. I screamed out Jake's name as my balls tightened and my stomach clenched as my orgasm shot through me, leaving me feeling dizzy, drained and euphoric.

I felt someone shake me gently, and my eyes opened slowly. I looked around, dazed and confused, but totally sated. What the fuck just happened? Oh. My. God. I fell asleep on top of Jake. It was all a dream. Jake was looking down at me with concern and lust in his eyes; I could feel his hard on pressed into my now very wet pants. The color crawled up my cheeks as I realised I had just had a very hot, wet dream on top of the man I was dreaming about.

* * *

**A/N Oh and Me and a few of my girls are doing a contest. Its a NO BELLA ALLOWED CONTEST. Which means no Bella in the fic at all. Submissions are being accepted from the 1st Feb, details can be found here: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2216993/**


	12. Forgiveness and moving forward

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader's VanPireNZ and tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**Okay on with the story.**

Forgiveness and moving forward

Jacobs POV

Half way through my telling Edward about other relationships I've had, he fell asleep. He was sprawled out on top of me and snored softly into my chest. The weight was welcomed and I certainly wasn't going to move him. I was still in awe of the fact he had told me he loved me. Things were working out better than I had ever hoped for, and I couldn't be happier.

Edward started moaning in his sleep as his hips started to grind into me, causing my dick to jump to attention. Oh, dear Lord, no - tell me this isn't happening. But obviously it was, and it was getting a lot harder to control myself the more into the dream Edward got. His grinding picked up as my name, as well as pleas, fell from his lips. I put my hand on his hips, trying to cease his constant thrusting, but dropped my hands quickly at the "Please Jake I need you," that fell from his lips.

Trying ever so hard to keep my hips from bucking up to meet his thrust, was the most difficult thing I had ever done. My self control was slipping, and I needed to wake him up. Just as I was about to shake him, I heard the words, "want you inside me" and had to bite my hand to keep from screaming out. His bucking picked up and my hand flew into my hair, tugging hard, trying to take my mind off the delicious friction he was causing. My dick was hard as a rock, and as much as I hated to, I needed to wake him the fuck up.

I started to shake his shoulders gently, at the exact time I felt the slight wetness seep through my pants. Edward was panting hard, trying to catch his breath, trying to simultaneously wake up and recover from his orgasm.

Panic spread through me for a second; how was Edward going to react to this? Concern for him filled me, slightly overrunning the lust I was feeling as he looked up at me, his face a picture of a man that was truly satisfied. His expression changed to one of confusion, and then to utter embarrassment as his face turned the brightest color red I had ever seen.

"Oh no, tell me I'm still asleep and this isn't happening," he muttered while shaking his head and then he bolted from the room. I heard the click of the lock after he closed the bathroom door and then silence. I jumped up from the bed and followed him, listening closely outside the bathroom door,; the sounds of Edward's sobs hit me hard. I knocked gently and called out.

"Edward? Are you okay? Do you need anything?" Such stupid things to say but I was at a loss on how to deal with this. What the hell do you say to your new boyfriend to make him feel better about having a wet dream on top of you? In any normal relationship it would have been great fodder for torment, and something both of you would have had a huge laugh about later. But Edward was different and he had faced way too much for me to even contemplate joking with him about this, ever!

"C-c-can," sob, "y-you g-get" sob, "J-j-asper f-for me p-please," His voice was full of stress behind the sobs and it broke my heart to hear him like that after all we had been through. I prayed like hell this wouldn't put us back to square one, but I knew deep down it was a very likely fucking possibility. Fuck!

"Sure, Edward," I said and left the room to get Jasper. I knocked on the spare room door rather loudly and impatiently. "Jasper? Jasper? Wake the fuck up dude, Edward's locked himself in the bathroom and is asking for ya." I heard a loud "Fuck" come from him and he was at the door in seconds.

"What the fuck did you do, Jake?" His eyes met mine and he quickly changed his tone. "Sorry, bud, what happened?" I had no idea what to tell him. I knew Edward would tell him everything, but I wasn't sure he would want _m_e to say anything.

"I'm gonna let him fill ya in, just in case he doesn't want me to say anything." I tried to smile but failed miserably, my shoulders slumping in defeat. Alice's hand was on my back rubbing gentle, comforting circles, and I jumped in surprise. I hadn't even noticed her joining us.

"Why don't we go get a cuppa, Jake, while Jasper talks to Edward?"

"Sure," I replied in a whisper and followed Alice to the kitchen while Jasper retreated into Edward's room. Alice turned the kettle on and pulled down two cups from the cupboard. It was then that I looked down at myself and realized I had a small wet patch on my pants from Edward, but there was no way in hell I was going to enter that room to get a change of clothes, so I would just have to deal with it. Not that I minded having a part of Edward on me.

"Instant is okay, right? I'm a tad too tired to put on the coffee maker," she laughed softly and turned back to add the coffee and sugar to the cups at my nod. I sighed softly as we waited in silence for the kettle to pop. Once it did, Alice added the water and milk to the cups and stirred before picking them both up and leading the way into the lounge room. We both settled into our seats before Alice cleared her throat, "So, what happened?" I knew this was coming; Alice never was one for being kept in the dark, but as much as I wanted to keep Edward's confidence, I needed to talk to someone. As if she could sense my dilemma, she added, "It will be kept between you and me, Jake, I promise you that."

"Everything was going perfect, Alice," I started, as my eyes filled with tears, "We were talking and laughing, and he even let me hold him in my arms. He told me about some of the things Sam had done to him, and we talked about my dating history. He even asked me if I was his boyfriend and told me he loved me. God, Alice, it was perfect. He managed to climb on top of me during our conversation, so his body was flush with mine and his head was resting on his arms, folded across my chest. It was wonderful and he was happy. Then he fell asleep." I blushed as I got to this part but plowed through it, "he seemed to be having a very, umm, let's say, _happy_ dream. I still have teeth marks in my hand from biting it so hard to restrain myself from the things coming out of his mouth as he gr... um well..." I looked down at my feet unsure how to say this part.

"He was grinding into you, is that what you are saying, Jake?" I blushed causing Alice to chuckle. "Believe me, Jasper has awoken me many a time doing that."

"Oh God, Alice, I so did not need to know that," I chuckled and smiled at her. Alice always knew how to break the tension and I loved her for it. "And yes, he was doing that, and well he, had a happy ending to his happy dream. I wasn't quick enough in waking him up, and when he realized what happened, he bolted and asked for Jasper." I finished before taking a gulp of my coffee to push down the lump rising in my throat. "Do...do you think he will ever be comfortable enough to turn to me instead of Jasper?" A tear escaped as I looked back up at Alice.

"I hope so, Jake, I really do. He has come so far lately and that is down to you. You brought him back to life, Jake. I think you will find it's more embarrassment than anything else. Jasper will talk him down." She moved over to sit next to me and rubbed my back in a comforting manner.

"After the day he had, Alice, I'm not so sure. With what Sam put him through and the way he clung to me… I'm worried he pushed himself too far too fast and it's all going to blow up in my face." I placed my mug down onto the coffee table and scrubbed my hands over my face roughly. The thought of Edward realizing that this was all a big mistake terrified me. Now that I think about it rationally, it was probably too soon for our declarations of love. He was my boyfriend now, at least I hoped he still was, and I ached to be there for him, but the more time he spent in the bathroom the longer we were still a couple. I didn't want him coming out of there and ask me to leave - I didn't think I could handle that.

Exhaustion washed over me, and I stretched out on the couch, laying my head on a cushion at the end. Alice moved back to the chair, sighing softly, "Get some rest, Jake." I grunted a response, my eyes already closed, and sleep took me.

_I was running, but I had no idea why. Was something chasing me? Was I trying to catch someone? I stopped dead in my tracks, shaking my head in confusion. What the hell is going on and where the hell am I? _

_I blinked rapidly a few times and looked around. I was standing in the parking lot of the police station, a knife in my hand, and the other end was embedded deep inside of Sam's chest. Blood spilled from the wound, covering my hands and body. Edward was cowering in the corner, whimpers escaping him as he sobbed openly._

_"Just because you killed me doesn't mean I'm gone, Jake. I will always own him; he will always be mine and there is nothing you can do about it. I live in his mind, Jake, I live deep inside of him, and I will always be a part of him, always," Sam sneered before he fell to the ground. Edward appeared next to me, his face a mask of horror._

_"Jake, what did you do? I could never love a killer, Jake." And with that he was gone and I was left alone. I fell to my knees sobbing, my heart aching at the loss of Edward. _

_"Noooooo," I screamed towards the heavens, "You can't take him from me." _

I woke up with a jolt, panting at the realness of it all, and I was utterly freaked out by it. I admit that every part of me wanted to end Sam, and that Edward was the only thing keeping me from doing it. The most startling thing about that dream was what Sam said. It's true, he would always live inside of Edward, torturing him with memories, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I looked around frantically and saw I was alone, but someone had placed a blanket over my sleeping form. The sun was peeking through the curtains, and I looked for a clock to see what time it was. Eight thirty in the morning. Fuck I must have been tired.

The smell of eggs, pancakes and bacon filled my nose as I stood and stretched out my sore muscles. Edward was right, that couch sucks. The spot on my pants that Edward had _marked _was slightly crusty and pulled at my skin as I stretched, there seemed to be more there than I realized and it was mighty uncomfortable. I sighed softly and padded my way to the kitchen.

"Morning." Alice was making breakfast and greeted me in her usual cheery fashion.

"Morning," I grunted, feeling less than enthusiastic at that particular moment, "Where's...ummm."

"Jasper spent the night in Edward's room and they haven't surfaced yet." I felt the frown take over my face at that bit of information. Even though I knew I had nothing to worry about with Jasper, I couldn't shake the jealousy that twisted in my stomach over the fact Jasper got to spend the night with Edward, probably holding him close... I cut off that train of thought real fast, it wasn't helping and it just gave me a headache.

"Do they do that kind of thing often?" I couldn't help but ask, hearing the petulance in my voice.

"No," came a chuckling voice from behind me and I spun around to face Jasper, with a very amused look on his face. Asshole. But what really caught my attention was a very sheepish looking Edward trailing behind him. He looked stunning, standing there, head hung down, hair a mess, his sleep pants riding low on his hips. I licked my lips involuntarily and felt the blush run up my cheeks at Jasper's chuckle.

"Easy boy, I think you two had enough excitement last night without looks like that." Jasper teased and I glared at him before turning to face Alice.

"Jasper," Edward gasped and smacked him lightly on the arm. I turned to look at Edward, clearly amused by his action and very much liking the blush that had claimed his features. I was also a little relieved that Jasper seemed to think it was okay to tease us about what Edward had told him. Maybe Edward was okay with this after all. I squashed down the hope that tried to rise in me before it could take hold. Edward trained his eyes to me and I couldn't even begin to understand the look he was giving me, it was almost like he was pleading with me for something. But I was at a complete loss as to what he wanted. So I did what I always do when I'm nervous, I winked at him, causing a beautiful smile to take place on his lips.

He must have been worried about how I would react to last night. That thought didn't even enter my head, the whole time I was so worried he would be too freaked out to be near me again, and constantly worried about what he was feeling; it never would have occurred to me he would be worried about my reaction.

"I love you," I mouth to him before taking a seat at the breakfast bar and taking the coffee Alice had placed there for me. I don't know what possessed me to say that to him - it just felt right at the time. Add to that the reaction I got the last time I said it, and it just came out. I held my breath as I played with my coffee mug, hoping he would come to me, almost willing him to with my mind.

I felt him before I saw him, take a seat next to me, and I placed my hand down on the counter in offering. I squealed like a teenage girl on the inside when he placed his hand over the top of mine and let his head fall to rest on my shoulder. I turned my head slightly and placed a kiss on the crown of his head, sighing softly before turning back to face Alice and Jasper.

"We are just going to get dressed," Alice said before grabbing Jasper's hand and leading him to the spare room. Jasper grumbled about wanting food, but Alice just pulled him harder to get him out of the room, throwing me a wink over her shoulder. After a few minutes of silence, I turned to Edward.

"Are you okay?" I asked, concern lacing my voice. He let out a soft sigh before lifting his head to face me.

"I'm...Jake..." He scrubbed his hands over his face before looking back at me. "I'm sorry about last night. I still can't believe I did that to you, can you forgive me?" To say I was astounded was an understatement. Could I forgive him? I felt like I had woken up in the Twilight Zone.

"What in the world would I have to forgive you for?" I asked utterly confused. "I'm the one that should be asking for your forgiveness. I should have woken you up sooner, I should have moved you off of me, but I was selfish, and when you called out my name...God, Edward, I'm so sorry, I just...I...God... this is so hard." I took a deep breath and blew it out, trying to gather my thoughts., I had to be honest here; it was the only way we were ever going to work. "I want you so bad, Edward, and when you were calling out my name and begging me not to stop, even though I knew you were sleeping, I couldn't move. It took everything I had not to act on the things you were saying." I placed my face in my hands and shook my head, upset with myself for not being stronger. "I should have..." Edward cut me off.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Jake, it was all me. I'm completely mortified about what happened. Talk about embarrassing, but you handled it so well, I thought maybe you just didn't want me that way; maybe, even after you told me you loved me, you finally realised what a freak I really was and it was too much. The look on your face when I woke up... You looked startled and like you were in pain. I figured I had fucked it up royally and you didn't want me anymore. Fuck, Jake, you didn't even touch me. I've never met anyone like you before." He sighed and then continued, "I guess I have a fucked up view on how the proper way to act in that situation is. I mean, from my experience, I would have woken up with a dick up my ass." He grimaced as did I at the thought of Sam attacking him while he slept.

"I would never, ever do that, Edward; I love you way too much to hurt you like that, _ever._" I reached over and cupped his face, gently running my thumb over his cheek.

"I know, Jake, but it took Jasper to remind me of that. He explained to me that someone who truly cared would never take advantage of me in that way, and that, in itself, should be proof enough that you love me. I guess I'm still working on things. The worst part is that I can't promise that something like that won't happen again the more intimate we get." He blushed as he said the word intimate and looked down. "I know that what happened to me in the past was wrong, but sometimes I can't get past it. It was the only form of love I remember, Jake." Tears spilt from his eyes as I gathered him to me and held him tight to me.

"Let me teach you the right way, Edward?" I asked and he nodded his head against my chest before pulling back and placing a kiss on it.

* * *

**A/N Me and a few of my girls are running a contest. Its a NO BELLA ALLOWED CONTEST. Which means no Bella in the fic at all. Submissions are being accepted now, details can be found here: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2216993/ so enter and show me how good my readers are!!!!!**


	13. Pain and Suffering

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader's VanPireNZ and tjbaby101 for your input, you rock.**

**Okay on with the story.**

**A/N at bottom.**

* * *

Pain and Suffering

EPOV

Jake's reaction after what I had now dubbed _the incident _was perfect. I couldn't believe he was worried he did something wrong, while I was having a total breakdown over the fact that I was a complete freak and ruined everything. If it wasn't for Jasper, I'm sure I would have completely folded back into myself and never faced Jacob again, but, after many hours and lots of tears, Jasper finally made me realize that Jacob was reacting with love and care.

When Jake told me how much control he had to use to stop himself from acting on my verbal cue's - showing me the bite marks on his knuckle as proof - I was completely in awe. He loved me enough to suppress his own urges; his only thought was his worry for me and my reaction. And when he winked at me and mouthed that "I love you" when I walked into the kitchen the next morning hiding behind Jasper, I was overwhelmed with emotion. Afterwards we talkd, hashing out all our fears. It was perfect.

The weeks that followed were almost blissful. Jake and Jasper both put in for emergency leave, which they said wasn't a problem, but I had a sneaking suspicion that it was a lot more difficult than they made it out to be. The two of them shadowed Alice and me completely. Jasper took Alice to work, staying with her throughout the day, and Jake did the same with me.

When I was with a client, Jake would ask them privately if they would mind him being in the room, and explained why it was important for him to keep a visual on me at all times. Since they were all going through recovery from abuse they understood completely and there were only a few that refused to have Jake in the room. They were usually the ones that were new and only just coming to terms with what they had been through. Jake was a trooper though, he would just tell them he understood and would place a seat at the door and not move till I was done. I think I fell more in love with him over that.

We fell into an easy pattern of going to work during the week, cuddling on the couch at night and hanging out together on weekends. Jasper and Jake would switch it up, Jasper coming with me to work and Jake going with Alice, so we wouldn't get sick of them and try to beat them to death with sticks, as Alice threatened to do. And I really missed Jake on the days I was with Jasper.

But the nights we got home from work, when Jasper had been with me all day, Jake was overly affectionate. I think I enjoyed taking Jazz with me just so I could have that special time with Jake. He would hold me closer on the couch, turning his head ever so often and burying it in my hair to inhale my scent and would sigh contently and visibly relax. At night in bed he would hold me closer and I would wake up still wrapped in his embrace.

Jake had moved into my bedroom after a few hours of discussion about what would be more comfortable for me. I had to practically beg him to stay with me, the night following _the incident, _and after he gave in we spent the night discussing boundaries in our new sleeping arrangements. I knew it was hard for me to contain myself when he was that close to me wearing very little, his smooth, broad chest on full display, but I also knew what I was ready for and what I wasn't, and it was slow progress from there. Jake wouldn't let our chaste kisses grow deeper for the first few nights until I completely freaked out on him, demanding that he kiss me like he loved me, not like he was greeting his mother. He laughed and raised an eyebrow at me, the lightness dancing in his eyes causing me to cross my arms and huff at him.

_"What," I growled at him, wondering why he was looking at me so amused and with pride in his eyes._

_"You raised your voice to me." I slammed my hand over my mouth and jumped out of the bed._

_"Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Jake," I dropped my head to my chest and held my hands together in front of me trying to cease the shaking that had taken over me. What was I thinking raising my voice to him, I was just asking to get my teeth knocked down my... Jake was at my side in seconds, pulling my chin up off my chest and looking at me with such love and compassion, and I felt even worse for letting the thought that he would punish me for speaking up ever enter my head. This was Jake we were talking about; he would cut off his own arms before he would raise a hand to me._

_He looked me directly in the eyes before he started talking, his voice soft and gentle and with a hint of mischief, "I loved it. I'm so proud of you, Edward. Of the steps you are taking, and of the strength you are building inside you. You are so strong and courageous." He smiled gently before his mouth twitched into the playful smirk, and I knew he was going to make a joke, "Besides, it turns me on when you get all forceful like that." My mouth dropped open. I didn't think he would go there, and then when he slapped me gently on the ass before crawling back into bed, I chuckled loudly and then made a run for the bed, jumping on top of him. _

_The rest of that night was spent making out like high school kids, all sweet and innocent, leaving me very hard but very satisfied._

Over the weeks we had moved on from kissing to gentle and innocent touches, sometimes brushing against each other, but Jake always stopped it before we both lost ourselves. I loved him more and more every day.

It was Friday today, three weeks after _the incident,_ and we were all getting antsy about staying in so much. Jasper was with me today, threatened yet again by Alice that if he didn't switch today he would never see her vagina again. I literally snorted my coffee through my nose at that comment. God, I loved Alice. I was getting ready to lock up the office so we could head out when my phone vibrated.

I smiled when I saw his name flash on the screen, "Hello Jake, we are just leaving." My voice was still shy with Jake, I was trying to work on it, but the way he made my heart flutter in an entirely new way was unnerving. And considering all the hurdles I had jumped personally to be able to be with him, I wasn't too concerned about a little shyness.

"Hey baby, good to hear. I was just calling to ask you if you would like to have our actual date tonight? We haven't actually gone on it yet and I know that it can't be solo right now cause of the situation, but I was thinking that since we are all going so stir crazy, maybe we could all get out of the house. What do you think?" My smile grew with every word he spoke. Jake always managed to babble when he was nervous, it was a trait we shared and I loved that because it made me feel more secure.

"I would love to; just let me check with Jasper. Hang on one second, okay?"

"Sure."

Jasper was standing a few feet from me as usual, his own phone pressed to his ear and his face pulled into a look of deep concentration. "What is it Jasper?" The look on his face was making me very nervous indeed. He held up his hand to me and shook his head slightly, moving closer to me as he spoke into his phone.

"Are you sure it was him?" He asked whoever was on the other end of the phone.

"Are you sure who was who?" I asked, my voice rising with every word. I could faintly hear Jacob's voice screaming through the earpiece trying to get my attention. "Hang on, Jake. Jasper is talking to someone and it's kinda freaking me out," I said before moving the mouthpiece to the side so I could talk to Jasper without screaming in Jake's ear.

"What the hell is going on, Jasper? You're starting to scare me." He turned to look at me, his eyes clouded over with concern. He leaned in towards me, his mouth hovering near the mouthpiece of my phone, and said one word.

"Tribal." I heard Jake's quick intake of breath before he started speaking quickly.

"Alice, we have to move now. Tribal." I heard Alice gasp loudly as Jake continued to talk. "Edward, tell Jasper I'm on my way to the spot with Alice. I love you, Edward." And with that he hung up. What the fuck was going on. I played out the conversation in my mind, Jake happy and excited about a date night, Jasper saying one word and Jake switching mode so fast my head was still spinning. My brain was trying to catch up with what my body already knew. My shaking becoming more visible as Jasper grabbed hold of me.

"Sam." His name fell from my lips with a shuddering breath. Sam was here, he was coming for me. I had somehow let myself become so comfortable in the last few weeks of peaceful bliss with Jacob that I lead myself to believe my life with Sam was all a bad dream. Of course he would come back when my life was finally falling into place.

"Edward, we have to move now." He said as he pulled me to him quickly and made our way to the back entrance of the building, where a car was waiting for us. "We had contingencies in place in case something like this happened." Jasper stated as he noticed the questioning look on my face.

"You knew he would come? You knew he would be following me? Stalking me?" My voice grew smaller and smaller with each comment. I was terrified that Sam was so close to me, but another part of me felt totally at ease with the fact Jasper and Jacob had thought enough to think of every possible scenario and have a back up for them. Of course I should have known that, too; they had both told me countless times that my safety was the most important thing right now.

"You knew it was possible, Edward, just as we did. Come on we have to get to the meeting point." He helped me into the passenger side of the car and slipped into the driver side as a uniformed police officer stepped out. "Thanks, George." And with that we pulled off.

As we pulled out of the underground garage, I found myself scanning the area, and my eyes fell on Sam, sitting in a car across the road from the building, his eyes locked on the front entrance. As we drove past him, his eyes locked on mine and a sneer took over his features. The shiver of terror that ran down my spine from that look alone caused me to gasp out and Jasper to curse wildly under his breath. He pulled out his phone and dialed quickly.

"Jake, he spotted us leaving. He's in his car. I'm gonna try and lose him..." I tuned out the conversation as my head swiveled backwards to look out the rear window, and sure enough, he was following us, though he kept his car at a safe distance behind us. I turned back into Jasper, talking, "He's keeping the required distance from us, he is a smart fucker."

We pulled up outside a restaurant and Jasper jumped out of the car, quickly coming around to my side and pulling me gently from the car before leading me into the building. He moved towards the back and into a booth where Alice and Jake were waiting for us. Alice jumped up and into Jasper's arms while I slid down into the booth and curled up into Jake's side. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me close, and he kissed me on the forehead.

"I've got ya, baby, I've got ya." By the sound of his voice I didn't know who he was comforting more, himself or me, and as I looked up into his eyes and saw the relief wash over the panicked look on his face, I sighed and squeezed him to me tighter.

"I love you, Jake. I want you to know that, no matter what happens. I love you. I have never loved anyone more and I never will again. You are it for me, Jake, you're the one." His hand came up to cup my face as his thumb swiped under my eye. It was then I realized I was crying. But I had to tell him, had to let him know, just in case. Sam was volatile and I couldn't risk anything happening to me without Jake knowing how I truly felt.

"Shh, baby, you are going to be fine. I love you, too. You are my life now." His words left me feeling slightly giddy, and I leaned in to kiss his beautiful soft lips. I pulled back and smiled at my love, feeling safe and content and happy and home.

"My Jacob." He smiled at me and nodded his head.

"Always yours, Edward. Always yours." I placed my head in his chest, my favorite place to be, and inhaled his scent to calm me. He brought his hand up to brush through my hair and buried his nose in it, breathing me in. It calmed him, just like it calmed me.

Jake's head never left its spot in my hair as his muffled voice filled my ears. "What now, Jasper?" Even though his voice was muffled, I could hear the tension laced in the rough tone.

"Now we eat, relax and wait him out. He can't come in here without breaking the order, and he is more than likely drunk so I figure he will pass out sooner or later. Let's try to forget why we are here and have that date. Alice informed me you wanted a date night." He smiled broadly and pulled Alice tightly into his side. I had been so wrapped up in Jake that I failed to notice them taking a seat across from us.

"Sounds like a plan." Alice said, her voice was cheerful, but I could hear the distress underneath, the worry clear in her eyes as she looked at me. I had no doubt that Alice would fight for me just as hard as Jake and Jasper and that knowledge filled me with awe and dread.

I looked around the table at my family. Jake was indeed a part of my family now, the time we spent over the last few weeks bonding us even more. I had never felt love like this, not since my parents were alive, and it filled a place in me that had been missing. For the first time in my life I felt almost complete, the only sour note being Sam. A shudder rocked through me as I thought about him causing Jake to pull me closer to him.

The waiter came to the table with menus causing Jake to finally lift his nose out of my hair. As the others looked them over, I excused myself to use the bathroom. Besides the fact I needed to pee, I wanted to wash my face; it felt almost sticky from the tears that fell earlier.

"Let me come with you?" Jake asked.

"I just need a minute to myself, Jake. I will be quick, I promise. Besides, he can't come in here and you have a perfect view of the front door." Jake pouted and I rolled my eyes at him, "Fine, if I'm not back in five minutes you can come get me. How's that?" He groaned in defeat.

"Fine, but I'm timing you." He smirked as he looked at his watch and then looked back at me. I turned on my heels and did my best speed walk to the rest room, smiling the whole time. Jake always knew how to make me smile. I checked my watch as I left, just so I could make sure I would be back before he panicked. A snort left me at that thought causing people at the table I was passing to give me a strange look.

After I used the bathroom, I went to the sink to wash my hands and face. As I looked at myself in the mirror I was shocked by what I saw. I was expecting to see fear reflected back at me, even worry or concern, but all that I saw in the mirror was the face of a man I didn't recognise. He was happy, a look of contentment shining out of his eyes, face flushed with excitement. I looked good. I shook my head and threw cold water over my face, laughing to myself.

I was just drying off my face when I heard the door open. "Jake, I'm sure it hasn't been five minutes yet." I still had the paper towel on my face when I felt arms go around my waist. They felt wrong, off somehow, and I felt that familiar shudder run down my spine and fear grip me.

"Sorry, not Jake," The voice sneered at me, "But someone much better, sweetheart. Daddy's home." I froze at his term, terror turning the blood in my veins ice cold as the memories of what happened every time he said 'daddy's home' to me.

_I was drifting off on the couch. Sam was out with his buddies, leaving me home to recover from his latest lesson. The noise of the front door slamming shut caused me to bolt upright on the couch, looking around the living room to make sure everything was in place._

_"Daddy's home," He called out, his tone causing my heart to thump uneasily in my chest. "And daddy is not happy with you, Edward." I cringed, my mind running through everything I had done to see if I could pin point what exactly I did wrong to make him angry this time. I knew better than to ask, so I kept my mouth shut and waited for him to enter the room and continue._

_I didn't have to wait long; he walked straight to me and picked me up by my hair and threw me across the room like a rag doll. "What have I told you about talking to people when I'm not with you, Edward? Why is it that Paul tells me you were chatting to him in the supermarket yesterday?" I ran through my mind trying to figure out what he was talking about. I had seen Paul in the supermarket; he had come up to me and started to talk. I had ignored him and moved on, but he followed. He continued speaking to me, and then started to get angry. He thought I was being rude, and that I thought I was too good to speak to him. I shook my head quickly, letting him know without words that, that wasn't what I meant. Sam would beat me if I was rude to his friends, but it would be even worse if I spoke._

_Paul sighed and then moved me over and started pushing my trolley. I was stuck and had no idea what to do. Then when Paul started to hit on me and asked me if I would like to hang out with him sometime, I freaked. I ran out of the store, leaving everything behind. But I couldn't tell him any of that, or I would be beaten worse. He would think I was flirting with Paul or leading him on._

_He picked me up again and punched me square in the face, letting me fall back down on to the ground. "I'm very disappointed in you, Edward, and when I'm disappointed, Daddy comes out to play, and you are not going to like Daddy very much at all."_

That night I took one of the worst beatings of my life. I say one of the worst because, every time he used the term 'Daddy's home', the beatings were bad. There was no mercy in those rages, no aftercare, no 'I'm sorry and I love you'. It was mean, it was vicious and it was soul stealing. It was my life.

Sam leaned in close to me so his hot breath washed over my face, "How about we get out of here before one of them comes looking for you? We have a lot of making up to do." He turned me forcefully, pulling his hand up to backhand me across the face, and I fell to the side and hit my face against the counter top, a gash opening up and blood falling onto the white bench.

He turned and said, "Give me a minute to relieve myself, I've been sitting in that car a long time," and he turned to pee. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to stop and pee. I shook my head, trying to comprehend what the fuck he thought he was doing before that voice, the same voice that saved my life the night I left, screamed at me full force. _Run!_

I didn't even think about it, I got up and flew out the door, my mind only telling me to run, nothing else, just run. I forgot about Jake, Jasper and Alice being right there, so close. I didn't even think about running to them to save me, the panic and fear left me with one thought and one thought only: escape. I ran out the front of the restaurant and kept going. I had no idea where I was going, I just ran and ran and ran.

As I made my way down the street, I heard Jake's voice register in my mind, "Noooo," he screamed, causing me to stop dead in my tracks just as a car swerved to avoid hitting me dead on. A louder crash registered in my mind and I spun around quickly, just in time to see a tall, russet skinned man, with shiny black hair fly into the windscreen of the car, shattering the glass and bouncing off backwards and landing with a thump in a bloody mess on the ground. The car that had swerved to miss me had hit.

"JAKE!"

* * *

**A/N 1stly Don't kill me...cause if ya do I can't finish the story and we still have a while to go. Feel free to throw things at me though lol. But most of all trust me!**

**2ndly Me and a few of my girls are running a contest. Its a NO BELLA ALLOWED CONTEST. Which means no Bella in the fic at all. Submissions are being accepted now, details can be found here: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2216993/ so enter and show me how good my readers are!!!!!**


	14. A mother's love

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader VanPireNZ for your input, you rock.**

**Okay on with the story.**

**A/N at bottom.**

* * *

A mother's love

Sam's POV

Why was he running away from me? Didn't he realize I was going to rescue him from them? Was he afraid they would take him away again? Fury overtook me as I quickly tucked myself back in my pants and gave chase. They wouldn't get the chance to take him away again; I would keep him safe this time. I was hot on his heels until that annoying little freak of a woman got in my way. Shoving her hard enough to knock her straight through the glass window at the front of the restaurant, I continued my chase after Edward, noticing briefly that Jasper was kneeling down over Alice, and Jacob was hot on my tail. Seeing that he had run straight past them only solidified the fact that I was right. He was looking to get back to me and didn't know a way out.

I heard Jake scream out "no" behind me and saw Edward stop dead in his tracks, causing a large smile to overtake my face. I just had to reach out my arm to grab hold of him, but just as my hand was about to make contact, I was hit.

I felt myself bounce off the windshield before I was thrown back and hit the ground hard. Raising my hand to wipe my mouth, I felt a stickiness there and looked down to see blood; I started to see stars as my mind flashed back to my time with Edward.

_The park was my favorite place in the world; it was peaceful on a Sunday, which is why I chose that day for my jogging time. That and the cute boy that sat at the same bench every Sunday reading. I had been watching him for the last two months, trying to work up the courage to start a conversation with him. He was just so damn beautiful and I found that very intimidating. But today was the day - I was going to talk to him today._

_I ran up and stood in front of him, my body causing a shadow to overtake his form. I frowned slightly at the thought of someone so beautiful being shrouded in darkness, but I smiled as soon as his eyes met mine. We introduced ourselves and talked for a few hours before I found the courage to ask him to join me for dinner. He said yes, and I was beyond ecstatic._

_From that day forward, we were together, and I found myself falling for him more and more every day. He was not only beautiful, but he was funny, smart and all sorts of adorable with his shyness. The best thing about him was that he had no clue just how truly attractive he was, and he thought the sun rose and set with me. Six months after the day we met, I asked him to move in with me and he agreed immediately. I thought I couldn't be happier at that point, but as the years rolled on, things just got better and better._

_There were times when he would step out of line and I had to punish him. I hated those times just as much as he did, but it was the only way to ensure he would stay true and never leave me. I knew I couldn't live without him in my life anymore._

_The day I got the tattoo of Edward's name on my back was a big moment for me, and even though I knew he was afraid of needles and wouldn't step foot into a tattoo parlour, I knew he would love to get a matching one in the same spot with my name. It was a great night for us, until he messed up. I mean, how hard is it to say thank you? After the lesson I taught him that night, he would never forget again._

_When he was really bad, I had to bring out 'daddy', who wasn't very nice at all. It was always for his own good, to make him a better man. I loved him, he knew that._

I felt myself being lifted into the air and placed on gurney. The pain that had been coursing through me was starting to dull with the medication the paramedic gave me. "Edward, Edward, where are you?" I called out, wondering why he wasn't at my side. Jasper and Jacob had twisted his mind so badly he actually called me a monster. I would have to remedy that as soon as possible. Once I got him back to our place, it wouldn't take me long to deprogram him and set him straight. He belonged to me, I knew it and so did Edward.

_Seeing him at the police station for the first time since he disappeared almost stopped my heart. The happiness I felt almost overwhelmed me. I could see in his eyes how much he had missed me, how much he still loved me and needed me. That's when I started putting the pieces together; Jacob must have taken Edward from me, snuck in and stolen him from the house while I was sleeping. It was the only thing that made sense to me; Edward would never leave me._

_The things he said to me, though. The words that came out of his mouth - they weren't my Edward. Jasper and Jacob had really worked a number on him. I was devastated when I woke up five years ago alone on the floor of our bedroom, and I spent two days searching for Edward, terrified something had happened to him. He would never leave by himself. But then the doubt started to work through my mind that maybe he had left me, decided he didn't love me anymore. I couldn't take that and took off, travelling the world, always searching for what I had with Edward. I never found it and decided that it was time to go back home, find my Edward and win him back._

_But I knew, the moment I saw him, that he had never left voluntarily and that my cousin, the person I went to for help, was behind this; and as soon as I had Edward back, I would make him pay. _

_When I was released on bail, I went back to our house and made plans. I followed Jacob, who led me to Jasper, Alice and Edward. My Edward. He looked so lost with them, like he was trying to find a way out. I would help him, I would free him and we would run off together, after I had made them all pay for stealing my love away from me. I had to bide my time for three weeks, watching Jacob or Jasper taking Edward to work and then home again, he was never left alone, always someone with him. When Jacob was the one with him, he would always be touching him, putting his hands all over my Edward. I nearly blew my cover a few times when I saw Jacob put his dirty lips on my Edward, my mind would spin and my hands would clench with the need to rip him apart. _

_My time came when I saw them leaving from the underground car park, and I followed them, careful to keep my distance. Stupid restraining order had made my life very difficult and I'm sure Edward was very upset they had done that. Why else would it have been Jasper that took it out instead of Edward himself? My lawyer had given me that bit of information._

_When they parked out the front the restaurant and got out, rushing inside, I knew this was my shot. I got out of the car and made my way around the back to the staff entrance, sliding in unnoticed and watching from behind the side wall. _

_When Edward announced he was going to the men's room alone, I knew this was my shot and that I had five minutes to pull it off. Just hearing Edward ask for alone time, I knew that was my signal to come get him, he was letting me know that he wanted me to save him. _

_I slid my way around the back wall and made my way to the men's room, sliding inside and smiling to myself as I saw him there, paper towel covering his face; and when I slid my arms around him, it felt like home. God, I missed him so much. But at that moment I was angry. Angry that he let himself be kept away from me. Angry that he didn't try to get away. Angry that he was just standing there. Daddy was definitely home._

_I gave him a love tap, but he lost his footing and hit his beautiful face on the counter top. Such a shame really, to mar up that face before I got a chance to cover it with kisses. Later. _

I must have blacked out or something, because the next thing I knew I was waking up in the hospital, machines were beeping wildly around me and everything hurt. My eyes blinked rapidly against the bright light and a groan left my lips. I felt someone's hand touch me and looked up to see a nurse standing there, her finger on my pulse point, eyes at her watch before snapping to mine as soon as I made a noise. Nothing came out when I tried to talk, and I licked my lips and cleared my throat to try again. It worked this time but just a croak, "What happened? Where's Edward?"

"One second Mr. Uley, I will get the doctor so he can explain everything." With that she left the room. Bitch. It was only moments later the doctor walked in and began talking.

"Mr. Uley, you were hit by a car. Do you remember that?"

"Yes." My voice was rough and I was really fucking thirsty.

"You had to have surgery to repair the damage. You have been in a coma for two weeks."

"Wait. What? Two weeks?" I was getting angry, who knows what they had done to Edward in that time. "Where is Edward? Where the fuck is my Edward?" I was screaming now, my throat felt like it was being ripped apart, and I started to thrash causing pain to roll through my body.

Next thing I knew I was beginning to feel sleepy, and I fought like hell to stay awake. I needed answers and I needed them now, but it was no good and everything went black.

The next time I woke there was a woman sitting in my room, just watching me. It was really kind of creepy. "Who are you and what do you want?" I rasped out.

Without a word she reached over to the table and picked up a cup before leaning over me and placing the straw in my mouth. I sucked greedily and sighed softly as the cool water relieved the burn in my throat. "Thank you."

"Oh, you don't want to be thanking me, Sam," she said. Her voice sounded very familiar, and as I blinked a few more times to get accustom to the light, I realized who it was.

"What are you doing here? Let me guess, you are helping those assholes keep my Edward away from me?" I sneered at her.

"Your Edward?" She chuckled darkly; there was no humor in her voice. "Let me tell you a little story, Sam." She didn't wait for a response before she continued. "I met Edward five years ago; he was a bloody, broken mess, having been beaten beyond recognition. Jasper and Alice found him on the side walk outside the hospital, laying in a pile of his own blood, trying to crawl his way to the doors to get help." She took a deep breath to steady herself before she continued. I just shook my head at her, trying to understand what the fuck she was talking about.

"You see, Sam, he was living with an abusive man who used him for his own pleasure and beat him constantly. This man was a vile man, a monster you might say. Evil to the very core. Anyway, it took Edward a while to trust anyone, but Alice wormed her way into his heart and took care of him, along with Jasper. And for a long, long time, Jasper was the only person to ever be able to touch him without Edward flinching back in horror, waiting for a blow to come. This man that he had escaped from had really worked a number on Edward. The damage was so bad that we never thought he would actually ever be able to find someone to love. He never thought he was worthy of it you see."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Edward hasn't been with anyone but me, and you know perfectly well that Jake broke into my house and stole him right out from under me while I was sleeping. You people are filling his mind with all sorts of bullshit, but once I'm out of here that will all change. Edward will be home where he belongs and you will never see him again." She slapped her hand down hard on the surface of the table and stood up. What the hell was she doing?

"You are a nasty piece of work, Sam Uley, I knew it from the first moment I saw you. What you did to Edward, the things he told me during therapy... You make me sick. Jacob didn't steal anyone from you, Edward left you! He pulled his broken body off the floor and got out as quickly as he could." She took a deep breath and my mind reeled. Edward left me? No, that wasn't possible. He loved me.

"You are a liar." I said, staring her down. She was not going to get away with taking my Edward away from me again. This bitch was in on the whole thing.

"Oh, I assure you, Sam, I am no liar. Edward has finally recovered from all the beatings and the belittling. He has survived and moved on. Jake has been very good for him and they are in love now. He will be happy and loved for the rest of his life because Jake will care for him like no one else could. Edward has found his soul mate, and it is certainly not you, Mr. Uley." She spat the last words at me before she bent down to pick up her bag. Pulling something out of it, she turned to look me dead in the eyes.

"You have hurt him for the last time. You will never hurt anyone again. You almost killed Edward, and you nearly killed my daughter, you are going to rot in hell where you deserve to be." And with that, she flashed a needle in front of me before walking over to my IV bag and pushing some kind of fluid into it. Everything became cloudy and my heart started to race.

"Wh-a-at dd-iidd you doooo?"

Esme's POV

I sat at my daughter's side, holding her hand as she began to wake up. The window that Sam had pushed her through had shattered around her as she went flying through it. Glass was embedded in her back, neck, legs and arms. It was touch and go during surgery and it had taken a full week for her to finally wake up. Jasper never left her side while Edward and Jake were never far away. They were either in the waiting room giving Jasper privacy, running around to get him food and changes of clothes, or by Alice's side themselves.

Edward was heartbroken and blamed himself entirely. He could not be calmed by anyone but Jake. Not even Jasper's soft words to Edward about how it wasn't his fault could help. He was slowly reverting back to the boy I had first seen in that hospital room and it killed me, just as much as it killed me to see my daughter laying broken in the hospital bed.

The only good thing to come from this was that the bond between Jake and Edward had been tightened to an almost unbreakable strength. Edward clung to Jacob, taking strength from him as he watched the woman who saved him suffer; each day ripping away another piece of him. If it wasn't for Jake, I don't think Edward would have survived it.

The plan formed in my head as I stroked my daughters hand, and my determination grew every day the longer I sat by her side. By the time Alice woke up, I had made my decision. I would kill Sam Uley. I was married to a doctor, so I knew how to make it look like an accident, and they would never know the difference - not that anyone would care to look for a monster like that.

When I found out Sam had woken up, I panicked, thinking that maybe I was too late and that I lost my shot at him. But I steeled myself, and at midnight, I snuck down to his room and waited for him to come too from the drug induced sleep he was under. At exactly 1:15 a.m., Sam opened his eyes. I laid everything out on the table for him, letting him know what a monster he was and how Edward had finally found happiness with Jake. Sam was psychotic, believing we had somehow taken Edward away from him. He was clinically insane. The delusions he let himself believe where just plain out there. I sighed and pulled out the needle.

At exactly 1:30 a.m., Sam Uley was dead by my hand. I wiped off the needle with my handkerchief and placed it into the bio hazard box they keep in every room. I walked out of that room with a tight smile on my face.

I knew what I had done was wrong, and I knew that I was going to hell for it, but I would do it again in a heartbeat to protect my family; and I would live with the consequences of my guilt.

After all, that's what a mother does.

* * *

**A/N 1stly There is alot going on in Fanfic right now and the chances of getting fics pulled is currently very high so I have taken precausions. I will still publish here ever week, but incase my fics get pulled you can also continue to read them on my LJ I started just for this purpose. Link is on my page :D**

**2ndly Me and a few of my girls are running a contest. Its a NO BELLA ALLOWED CONTEST. Which means no Bella in the fic at all. Submissions are being accepted now, details can be found here: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2216993/ so enter and show me how good my readers are!!!!!**


	15. My Alice

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader VanPireNZ for your input, you rock.**

**Okay on with the story.**

**A/N at bottom.**

****

* * *

My Alice

EPOV

The sight before me caused me to drop to my knees, my legs too weak to hold me up. My Jake, not my Jake, please. My whole body was shaking as the sobs racked through me at the thought of losing my Jake. I wished the car had hit me; I wanted to be the one laying there in his place.

Arms slipped around my waist and pulled me backwards onto a warm lap as words were whispered in my ear. "Edward, its okay, baby, I'm right here." Jake. But how... I must be dreaming... I spun around in his arms to look at him, my hands travelling all over his face and body just to make sure he was real. Then I heard _his _voice.

"Edward, where's my Edward?" I froze on the spot, and Jake pulled me closer, holding me protectively against him.

"He can't touch you, Edward, not anymore. I'm here, baby, I've got you." My brain was taking a while to catch up with what I was seeing. Jake was holding me close on his lap where we sat in the street; my name was being called by Sam who was being loaded into the ambulance. Sam. It was Sam that was hit, not my Jake. I shuddered and burst out crying with relief and joy.

"It wasn't you, Jake. It wasn't you." I repeated over and over again while clinging to the man I loved. "I love you so much, Jake, thank god it wasn't you."

"You thought it was me that got hit?" Jake's voice was rough and shook slightly.

"I heard you call my name. I stopped and then I heard a noise, and I turned and saw russet skin and black hair, and I thought... I've never been so happy to be wrong." I clung tighter to him. It was at that moment, when I felt all the pain of losing Jake leave my body, that I remembered Jasper and Alice. "Where are Jasper and Alice?" Jake's face changed when I looked up at him. His sad smile turned into a scowl of pain as he looked back over to the front of the restaurant.

"Alice is hurt; Sam pushed her through the window. We..." I pushed away from him as he spoke, and on shaky legs, I ran over to where Jasper was crouched over a small figure, paramedics on the other side trying to get him to move.

"You need to move, sir. We have to get her to the hospital now." The paramedic's voice was firm with an urgent tone. Jasper leaned down and brushed his lips softly against Alice's blood stained forehead and whispered so softly I barely heard the words.

"I will be right with you, Alice. Hold on for me, baby. I love you so, so much. Please, Alice, be strong." Tears rolled down his face as he stood back and let the paramedics load Alice onto a gurney. I was frozen in place, my eyes on Alice the whole time. She was covered in blood and glass. I shivered violently and fell to the ground. I could feel the attack coming and fought violently with myself to keep from passing out. Jake's arms wrapped around me and I heard the buzzing of conversation going on, but I couldn't make out the words. My world was fading fast and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

When I came to, it took me awhile to get my bearings, and I had to shake my head a couple of times to clear it. That's when his voice filtered through to me. "Edward, answer me please, baby. Are you okay?" I sighed when I realized we were in Jake's car, he had strapped me into the passenger's side securely and was driving like a madman.

"Jake, how's Alice? Are we going to the hospital? Is Jasper okay? Did Sam really get hit by the car and not you? Am I dreaming?" The questions flew out of my mouth so fast I had to consciously take a breath as everything came screaming back into my head. Sam being put into the ambulance, the relief I felt when it wasn't Jake that was hit, Alice lying broken on the ground - flash after flash hit me, and I felt my breathing become erratic.

"Edward. Breathe, baby, slow deep breaths." Jake had pulled the car over and was out the door, rushing around to my side and pulling my door open, wrapping me in his arms. The feel of him calmed me, and I felt my breathing even out slowly_. My home_.I buried my head in his chest and inhaled his scent before looking up at him. He looked so distraught, his face a mask of concern, his eyes shining with fear. A look I never wanted to see on his face again.

"I'm okay, Jake. I'm sorry." I sighed looking down, as my fingers idly traced his chest. I felt so pathetic. Jake was so concerned and Alice was in the hospital...Alice...Oh God, Jasper. "Jake, we need to get to the hospital." Jake chuckled slightly, but there was very little amusement in his tone.

"Look, Edward, we already are." He sighed and kissed the top of my head. It was the wrong time and the wrong place and every part of me screamed at my own selfishness, but I needed him, I needed to feel that connection, so I lifted my head and captured his lips with my own. Jake, being Jake, understood exactly what I needed and opened his mouth to me causing a contented sigh to leave me as our tongues met. His kiss was grounding and freeing. It held me together and gave me hope and as I pulled away I kissed his lips softly one more time.

"Thank you." I whispered. I didn't need to say more - he knew, Jake always knew. He licked his lips, causing my dick to twitch, and I slapped my head and groaned at my own inability to not get aroused by Jake in any situation. He smiled at me in a knowing way and kissed me chastely one more time before pulling me towards the hospital entrance.

"Come on, horn dog," he chuckled before his tone turned more serious, "Let's go check on our family." He tucked me to his side and I clung to him as we walked into the hospital.

"We need to call Esme and Carlisle and Emmett." I reached for my phone just as we hit the nurses' station and jumped when I felt someone touch my shoulder, causing me to curl into Jake more. I was shocked when I turned around to see Carlisle standing there, a look of understanding on his face as he spoke.

"Sorry, Edward, I didn't mean to startle you. I wasn't thinking. Esme is on her way and Jasper is in the waiting room. Alice is in surgery right now, its touch and go." He looked so tired at that point, and I couldn't help the tear that escaped me from the look on his face, but when his words sunk in fully, _'touch and go'_, I broke down completely, folding in on myself. No, not Alice, this can't be happening. It's a bad dream, a really fucking bad nightmare and I was going to wake up and Alice would be in the kitchen making coffee bugging me about how far Jake and I had gotten with each other.

I pinched myself hard and waited to wake up. Nothing. I was still leaning against Jake at the nurses' station while Carlisle and Jake looked on in concern. "Jasper?" I asked, through gasps and Carlisle turned on his heels leading the way. As soon as I saw him, I took off and threw myself at him, holding on for dear life and sobbing into his shirt. "I'm so sorry, it's all my fault..." that was as far as I got before he cut me off.

"Stop. None of this is your fault, Edward, none of it. Alice will kick your ass for even thinking that when I tell her..." His voice cracked as he spoke. He pulled me tighter to him and I felt the top of my head get wet where he rested his. I knew how he felt. For that moment in time when I thought I had lost Jake, my world ended; the light disappeared and darkness took over. Jasper would be feeling like that now. Alice was his light, they were made for each other, and taking one away would be like splitting him down the centre.

I felt Jake come up to us and hug me from behind, wrapping his arms around Jasper's shoulders. One of Jasper's arms let me go and flew up over my shoulder, where I think he was clinging on to Jake's shirt, sandwiching me tight in the middle. I reached back with one of my hands and placed it on Jake's hip pulling him impossibly closer as I took comfort from two of the people I love most in the world while we waited on word about the third.

Over the past few weeks we had become like our own little family, the four of us. Alice was an integral part of that for each of us in different ways. We all loved her, we all needed her, and we would all be lost without her, but none so much as Jasper. Gradually we pulled apart, but kept close. Jasper sat in one of the plastic chairs, Jake beside him with me pulled onto his lap. My eyes were scanning the room, and I leaned back into Jake, letting his warmth comfort me, while one of my hands sat firmly nestled in Jasper's, squeezing every once in a while. I wasn't sure if I was doing it to reassure him or me, but either way, he would squeeze back every time.

My eyes landed on Esme and I tried to get up but almost fell, forgetting that Jake's arms where wrapped so tightly around me. He pulled me back gently before letting go so I could move. I ran to Esme and pulled her to me tightly. "I love you, mom." Were the first words out of my mouth as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me to her.

"I love you, too, sweetheart, and I'm so relieved you are okay." She sobbed gently and crushed me firmly to her with strength I didn't know she possessed. Just when I was starting to feel vulnerable, I felt Jake's hand on my back. He must have noticed my body tremble, and like always, was there to ground me. God, I loved him. I turned my head to look at him and smiled as I eased out of Esme's arms and grabbed her hand. It was then I noticed Carlisle standing beside her, and I offered him a weak smile just as Jasper approached.

"Any news, Carlisle?" Jasper asked in a strained voice, causing me to grab his hand and hold tightly. He smiled down at me and squeezed my hand before turning back to Carlisle.

"She made it through the surgery. Glass was embedded in her arms, legs, back and neck. Luckily, no major arteries where hit, but it was touch and go for a while. She's still unconscious; they are not sure how long it will take her to wake up. Really we won't know anything till she regains consciousness. But it looks good." Carlisle finished off before taking Esme into his arms and heaving a sigh of relief. "Our baby is gonna be just fine."

Jasper threw his arms around me and hugged me tightly, laughing through his tears. "I knew she was going to be fine, nothing can keep my girl down." His voice dropped to almost a whisper so only I could hear him, "I'm going to marry that girl." His grip relaxed on me as he pulled back slightly to look me in the eyes as the tears fell. He looked so hopeful, but still worried. He wouldn't be truly satisfied until he could see her, hold her. Until she woke up.

"Can we see her?" I asked, needing to see for myself, just like Jasper, that she was still with us.

"She is in recovery now, but as soon as she is moved to her room you can go. I've spoken to the nurses to let them know that my daughter will have constant visitors and to not kick any of you out. Being Chief of Surgery here has its perks." He smiled and then went off to prepare her room, Esme following close behind him.

Three hours and copious amounts of horrid coffee later, we were allowed to go to Alice's room. As soon as we walked through the door Jasper was at her side, taking the chair next to her bed and grabbing on to her hand. His other hand gently stroked her hair as he whispered his love to her. It was so very intimate, and my heart skipped a beat. As always, Jake was by my side, his hand holding mine securely.

He gave me strength I never knew I possessed. He made me stronger and tougher, yet he also made me turn to goo every time he looked at me that certain way. Jake took a seat on the other side of Alice and pulled me back down onto his lap. My favorite place to be today. I took hold of Alice's other hand and told her how much I loved her, and then I rose and kissed her cheek before settling back down into Jake's lap. We sat there for a while before Esme came in, sitting down next to us with a far away look on her face. She was so deep in thought she startled when I touched her.

The week went on this way, Jake sitting with me in his lap, holding Alice's other hand. Jasper rarely left her side and when he did it was just to use the adjoining bathroom where he also showered. Jake and I would get him food or take short walks around the grounds to give him some privacy with Alice. We only left the hospital once, and that was to get clothes for everyone. Carlisle let us use the staff change rooms to shower and clean up, which we were very grateful for.

Emmett and Rose flew in the day after Alice had come out of surgery. It took them a while to organize time off work and sitters, but they made it remarkably quick. Jasper had given them the keys to his and Alice's apartment so they could have somewhere to sleep. Jasper slept by Alice's bedside, while Jake and I used the couch. Jasper told us to go home and rest, but there was no way I could leave while Alice was still unconscious. I had to be there when she woke up, like she always was for me. Jasper understood when I explained it to him.

We were all gathered around her bed, exactly a week after she had surgery, when Alice opened her eyes. The relief in the room was palpable as everyone tried their best not to just jump on her and smother her with love. What surprised me the most was the first words out of her mouth. "Edward?" She croaked while looking at Jasper, "Please tell me Edward is safe." I couldn't contain the tears that fell as I leaned over her bed and grabbed her hand.

"I'm fine, Alice, I'm right here." I sobbed as she turned to look at me, her relief obvious on her face.

"Oh, thank god." Her voice was weak and rough, but it held strong emotion. I bent down and gently wrapped my arms around her.

"You shouldn't worry about me woman child." She chuckled at my name for her, "You need to get better, I can't... I wont... Alice, I love you." I pulled away from her and looked into her eyes.

"I love you too, Edward." She smiled slightly and patted my hand that was holding hers before turning to look at Jasper. "Jazzy?"

"Yes, baby?" His eyes never left hers as he leaned in and kissed her lips gently. They both sighed in contentment as he pulled away.

"Are you okay?" She asked, her eyes tracing over his body and face.

"I'm fine, baby, now that you are awake."

"How long was I...oh, ow..." She cut off as her breathing came out in sharp pants. "Hurts." She managed to get out in a whisper. Carlisle was by her side in a second, pressing the button for the nurse and ordering her to bring some pain medication for Alice. Then he looked her over, checking her already healing wounds.

"Where does it hurt sweetheart?" He asked, his face a mask of concern.

"Umm," her face flushed slightly and then she looked down. I followed her line of sight and a giggle escaped me as I realized that it was the catheter that was causing her problems. I remembered how that felt, those things got painful. She looked at me, highly un-amused by my outburst and turned back to Carlisle. "Can you get this taken out now?" She pointed to her mid section, her eyes firmly fixed on her dad. He chuckled softly, as did everyone else. More with relief that she wasn't in any real pain than anything else.

"Sure, sweetheart, right away. Everyone out for a minute please while we get this sorted." Carlisle's voice was firm when he ordered everyone out of the room, but Jasper refused to move.

"It's okay, dad, Jasper can stay." Alice said, grabbing hold of Jasper's hand and squeezing it at the relieved look on his face. It would be a long time before he would be comfortable leaving her alone.

I gave Alice a kiss on the cheek before I left the room. Jake took my hand and led me to the seats across the hall, pulling me down with him as he sat. "How are you holding up, baby?" He asked as he placed a kiss on my neck. I moaned softly and leaned into his lips.

"Much better now. Mmm, Jake, if you don't stop that I'm going to have to take you home and do naughty things to you." I sighed as his tongue ran up my neck to my ear which he took into his mouth and sucked on gently. The relief that everyone was okay was making me extremely playful, and I loved when Jake would do things like this to me.

"Mmm, sounds like a good idea to me. And you did promise to let me taste you." He looked up at me and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. I couldn't contain the blush that ran up my cheeks, causing Jake to moan softly himself. "I will never get tired of seeing that." He said as his fingers ran gently along my cheek.

"That's a good thing, since you make it happen so often." I replied and poked my tongue out at him before leaning back and resting my head against his shoulder. I closed my eyes, content and happy. Alice was okay, and Jake was with me. Everything was perfect. It was then that I remembered Sam, and my body jerked, tremors running through it. I can't believe I forgot about Sam. No one mentioned him. Was he dead? Is he alive and roaming around the hospital? I felt Jake's arms tighten around me.

"Edward? Baby, are you okay? What is it?" His voice was thick with worry.

"Sam. I forgot about Sam. Where is he? What happened?" My voice was a whisper as I turned to look at Jake, my eyes filling with tears. "I can't believe I just forgot about the one person that has caused me so much trouble, what is wrong with me, Jake?" It was insane that my mind hadn't once led to him during this past week.

"You have had so much to deal with, sweetheart. With Alice being in surgery and waiting for her to wake up, your mind was probably just protecting itself from overload." His voice was soothing to me as he whispered in my ear. "I checked up on Sam, so I would know where he was. He's in a coma. They are not sure if or when he will wake up; there was a lot of internal damage caused from the car hitting him. It's a 'wait and see' thing. He's up on the next floor." Jake's voice was soft in tone, but I could hear the undercurrent of anger in his voice.

"I want... I think maybe..." I wasn't sure how to get it out. A part of me wanted to see him, to make sure he was there and not about to jump out at me from some dark corner, but another part of me was praying he would just die. It was hard for me to think that about another human being, even him.

"You want me to take you to see him?" Jake asked in a soft and caring voice; there was no judgment in it.

"I think...I don't know, Jake. Yes and no." I sighed deeply and snuggled back into Jake. "Jake, I..." I turned my head and kissed his neck, inhaling his scent at the same time and made up my mind, "I think I just want to stay here with you for a while, see Alice again when they are done in there. I'm not ready to face him yet."

"Whatever you need, baby." He pulled me close to him and turned my head up to capture my lips with his, "What ever you need."

"Thank you." I whispered against his lips.

"Ahem." I jumped at the sound of Jasper's voice and he laughed, "Sorry to interrupt guys, but Alice wants to see you both." He laughed again and turned and headed back into her room.

"He always did have awful timing," Jake said with a chuckle before gripping me firmly around my waist and pulling us up together, leading us into Alice's room.

* * *

**A/N**** Me and a few of my girls are running a contest. Its a NO BELLA ALLOWED CONTEST. Which means no Bella in the fic at all, not even a hinting of her. Submissions are being accepted now, details can be found here: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2216993/ so enter and show me how good my readers are!!!!!**


	16. Witness

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader VanPireNZ for your input, you rock.**

**Okay on with the story.**

****

* * *

Witness

Jake's POV

For the first forty- eight hours after the accident, I was unable to let Edward out of my sight. I blamed myself entirely for what happened, kicking myself for not going with Edward to the bathroom. I wanted to give him his independence, so I went against my own instincts so he wouldn't think I was being controlling. It was the worst decision I had ever made. Now Edward was almost broken in his heartbreak, Alice was lying in a hospital bed and Jasper was a complete mess, all because I let my emotions cloud my judgment.

How Sam managed to get past us still baffles me. I was watching the bathroom door almost the entire time, only taking me eyes away when Jasper kicked me under the table and Alice told me to stop worrying so much. My gut churned, though. I knew something was off, and my suspicions where confirmed the moment I saw Edward's expression as he ran from the restaurant, a trail of blood and a horrified expression tainting his beautiful face.

Alice was the first to react, screaming out Sam's name as she ran towards him, both Jasper and I too slow to stop her from flying through the window. Jasper's tormented cry as we watched - almost in slow motion - as Alice crashed through the glass would haunt me forever.

Edward's frantic cries brought me out of my shock and put me in motion, I made it outside just in time to see him in the middle of the street, a car coming directly for him. I screamed "Nooo," which caused Edward to stop dead, Sam's hand reaching out for him as I sprinted to where they were. The crash caused me to freeze, and my eyes blinked repeatedly, as if I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Sam, the car hit Sam.

Edward had dropped to his knees screaming out my name, and I bolted to his side wrapping him up in the safety of my arms. I had to hold back the tears as he explained he thought it was me who had been hit, and the way his hands roamed my face and body, so filled with love and relief that I was there with him, damn near broke my heart. If it was even possible, I fell more in love with him right then.

It had been one hell of a week waiting for Alice to wake up. And even after the first forty eight hours, it was still hard to not be physically touching Edward; every time he was away from my grasp, panic seized my chest. A very big part of me prayed that Sam would die from his injuries, but I knew whether he did or not, the damage was already done and it would take me a long time to be able to leave Edward's side without the panic taking over.

Sitting with Edward on the chair, with him pulled securely to my lap was comforting. He had been pretty playful in the last few weeks before all this happened, and our relationship had blossomed, growing in strength and intimacy. I was feeling very blessed that we could tease each other so much. We hadn't progressed to much past kissing and occasional touching, but we were talking more and more about what we were going to do to each other, and I was looking forward to getting Edward alone after all this was over.

I drew Edward into a kiss after our Sam talk, but we were once again interrupted by Jasper. I swear he had a sixth sense when it came to Edward and I being intimate, and it drove me crazy. Taking Edward's hand I led him into Alice's room, still concerned about what her injuries would mean. There was some pretty bad damage to her limbs, and I was worried about her walking ability, as were Carlisle and Jasper, but no one would mention it around Edward. He was suffering with enough guilt; anything else would just drive him over the edge.

"Hey there woman child," Edward said softly as he leaned over to embrace Alice. She swiftly slapped his arm playfully and chuckled, but anyone who knew her could see the pain register in her eyes. She tried quickly to cover it up before Edward's eyes met hers.

"Hey handsome, how are you feeling?" Alice asked him. Her concern for him was heartwarming. I had to hide my face behind Edward, as my emotions got the better of me, when she woke up and the first thing she asked about was him.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" Edward replied, with mock annoyance. "After all, you're the one laying in a hospital bed while I'm up and around. Really, did you hit your head harder than we thought?" He chuckled before leaning back down and kissing her cheek.

"Smart ass." She muttered under her breath. I chuckled at that and pulled Edward to my lap.

"Good to see ya still feisty as ever there, Alice." I said, hiding my face in Edward's back while I laughed.

"Psh, takes more than a window to keep me down. Isn't that right, Jasper?"

"That's right, darlin'. But just to be safe, how about you stay away from anything breakable in future?" He chuckled, but it was strained and his voice was tight. Jasper was concerned about something, and as his eyes met mine and he tilted his head to the door, I knew I was right.

"Be right back, baby, give you some alone time with Alice, okay?" I said to Edward, and kissed his cheek. He gripped onto my hand tightly before sighing softly and letting it go.

"Okay," he whispered, "but don't go far, please." How could I deny him anything? Especially when he looked at me like that.

"I won't, baby, I promise. I will be just outside the door." I kissed his lips this time and said a quick, "be right back" to Alice before following Jasper out the door.

We made our way over to the chairs and sat down. Jasper stared straight ahead, grinding his teeth in his aggravation. "What's up, man?" I was very curious what was going on with him, to make him this visibly upset. "Alice is okay, right? God, tell me she is fine?" I stared to panic slightly, if anything happened to Alice, it would be the end of Edward.

"Alice is fine." Just saying her name made him loosen up and a small smile cross his lips. "It's Sam I'm worried about; I've been so focused on Alice I didn't even...fuck Jake. He could have killed her." He spat the last words out with a fierce intensity. I understood exactly where he was coming from; he could have and would have killed Edward, given the chance.

I reached over and squeezed his shoulder, silently letting him know I was on the same page, my thoughts clouded with the 'what if's'. There were just so many, what if Edward hadn't run and Sam had managed to sneak him out of there? What if I had listened to my instincts and gone with him in the first place? What if Edward had ran to us instead of out the door? But all those things didn't happen and we had to live with what did.

"I checked on Sam and he is still in a coma. Doc's don't know if or when he will wake up." My voice was low, trying to keep the anger out, Jasper was angry enough for the both of us right now. "I have to know where he is and keep an eye on his status, for Edward..." I sighed and turned to look at Jasper. "I'm going back to check on him later, I will be keeping a close eye on him."

"Keep me informed, cause if that fucker wakes up, I wanna be the one that slaps the cuffs on him." I nodded my head, though in reality I wanted to arrest the fucker too, but Jasper needed this right now. "Don't worry Jake, you can be there too, you can read the son of a bitch his rights. Not that he has any, in my opinion..." At that moment Edward poked his head through the door, a huge smile taking up his face when he saw us sitting across from the room. Just looking at him, just knowing that I could hold him and kiss him and love him... That was enough to make it through anything.

The next week passed in a blur of games and laughter as we spent most of our time keeping Alice company, until she was allowed to go home. Her rehab was set to begin the following week, and Edward, being the champ of rehab, decided he would be with Alice every step of the way through hers, just like she had been for him. Something happened between the two of them I didn't think was possible - they became closer, almost bonding over their scars from Sam. It's almost like they were war veterans, and even though a small part of me was jealous at the bonding, which I knew was ridiculous, I was grateful for it.

Half way through the second week, Edward asked me to take him to see Sam. I knew Sam was still unconscious, but I was still weary. I wasn't sure how Edward would cope with seeing him again, but as always, I could deny him nothing, and I figured it could only help his recovery.

So that's where we were now, Edward standing over Sam's sleeping form while I hovered in the background, close enough to touch Edward, but remaining silent. Edward's fist would clench and unfurl as he stood there, just staring at Sam; his face would contort into different emotions until finally his hand came up and he slapped Sam across the face. I was stunned for a moment, but caught his hand as he went for the second swing.

Edward was not the kind of man to cause violence, especially to someone who was completely helpless. He turned to face me and as his eyes locked on mine, his expression of pure, unadulterated hatred, changed to one of sorrow and pain, with a hint of regret. His voice was very low as he whispered, "I've always wanted to do that, but I never had the courage before." Then he turned back to face Sam and looked at him again for a moment longer before he broke. Sobs ripped from him as he hurled every thought and every feeling at Sam.

"Why would you do this to me? I thought you loved me? When we first met you were so sweet, so nice and then you turned into this monster. The things you did to me, I have to live with those for the rest of my life. But what you did to Alice, I don't know if I can live with that. I hate you so much, do you hear me you bastard, I HATE YOU If I never see you again it will be too soon. I want you to leave me alone, and never come near me and my family again." He took a deep breath as his hand came back to find mine, and he squeezed it, hard. "You know, even your friends didn't like you much, they couldn't. Paul used to hit on me all the time, did you know that? You would beat me so bad for being rude to him when all I was doing was trying to obey you. What a joke. But I never have to worry about you again. I finally found love. Real pure love that has taught me to be strong and to give myself to another without losing who I am, and I guess I have you to thank for it. If you hadn't been a complete monster and tortured me the way you did, left me beaten and broken so many times that I finally found the courage to leave you, I never would have met Alice and Jasper, and in turn, I never would have met my Jake." He squeezed my hand again and turned to look at me, his eyes alight with his love for me. My breathing hitched at the sight of it, it was so pure and raw that my legs almost buckled under the weight of his gaze. The smile that took over my face was huge, I could feel my cheeks straining trying to contain it. I loved this man.

He turned back to face Sam and said the last thing I ever expect him to say, and he was very calm saying it. "So Sam, I guess finally, I want to say thank you." And with that he turned back to me and said "I'm done here," and led me out of the room. I was completely gobsmacked, and more surprisingly, utterly turned on. Maybe Edward's affliction of getting turned on by me in the most unorthodox places was rubbing off, 'cause I was hard as a fucking rock. Maybe it was the look on his face, or the fact that he had basically said he was thankful for taking a beating cause it brought him to me, or maybe it was because he had finally got out what he needed to say, even if Sam was unconscious for it. Whatever the reason, it was inappropriate and wrong, but fuck me my man was hot.

I heard a chuckle from Edward and saw his eyes on my package. I laughed self consciously and tried to readjust myself discreetly, and I felt a blush creep up my cheeks. Only Edward could ever have this effect on me under these circumstances. He cleared his throat softly, "I thought I was the only one that had inappropriate reactions at inappropriate times." He chuckled again.

"Well, apparently you being all strong and shit affects me in a very primal way." I said all nonchalant like this shit happens all the time. Edward stopped in front of me and pulled me to him, rolling his eyes at me.

"If I'm going to get that reaction, I will hit coma patients more often..." he broke off as his eyes teared up, and he buried his head in my chest. This was a classic position for Edward and it told me all I needed to know. He felt vulnerable, disappointed in himself and a little afraid. I place my hand gently under his chin and pulled his face up to look at me.

"Edward, you did nothing wrong, baby. I'm so very proud of you for what you just did. I know how hard that was for you, but it was also very important too. You astound me every day with your progress and I love you all the more for every little step you take." He sighed and placed a soft kiss on my lips, which caused me to moan in my current state. "If you don't stop that, I will have to throw you down in one of these spare rooms and do very naughty things to you."

"Promises, promises." He said as he pulled away from me laughing and started to run down the corridor back to Alice's room.

"Little tease," I grumbled as I gave chase. I caught him just outside the door and wrapped my arms around him twirling him around, causing laughter to spill from him. Jasper, as usual, interrupted by sticking his head out the door.

"Everything alright out here?" He chuckled as he took in our childish behaviour. I placed Edward down and pulled his back to my chest, sighing softly in his ear.

"You know Jasper, your timing really sucks." I muttered as we made our way into the room, causing both Edward and Jasper to laugh out loud.

We took our usual places beside Alice's bed as Jasper explained to her what we had been doing, causing her to laugh as well. Edward looked at me with a small smile, but his eyes showed just how upset he was over his confrontation with Sam. It wasn't exactly ideal, but it was the best we could hope for, and I knew it was one step closer for Edward to be able to face him when he was awake. Alice seemed to pick up on Edward's look when he faced her, and Alice being Alice had to ask.

"Edward, what's wrong? What happened?"

"It's nothing Alice, I'm fine really." He said giving her a weak smile. Alice wasn't buying it at all.

"Edward, don't give me that shit, I can tell by the look on your face something happened." She gave him a look that broke no argument; she was determined to find out what was wrong. There was a little fear in her eyes too. "Did Sam wake up?" She whispered.

"No Alice, Sam's still unconscious." I said pulling Edward tighter to me as he tensed up. Just the thought of Sam being up and around was bad for all of us. Edward shook himself slightly before clearing his throat.

"I just went to see him is all, Alice, and I got a few things off my chest. I guess it was harder than I thought it would be, but Jake was there, as always. I don't think I could have done it without him." He leaned back into me and rested his head on my shoulder, turning his face and placing a kiss on my neck, causing a shiver to run through my body and my dick to respond. Edward felt the reaction I had to him and shifted on my lap, like he was trying to get comfortable, but he was really just grinding his ass into my now very hard member.

I leaned forward and whispered in his ear, "You are so gonna pay for that, Mister. Don't think I don't know what you're doing." He laughed softly and shifted again.

"I think we all know what he is doing." Alice said, causing Edward to turn bright red and hide his face in my neck. Jasper and I chuckled, and I squeezed Edward's waist.

We spent the rest of that night talking about Sam. It was painful at times, but it was healing for both Alice and Edward. He tried to apologise to Alice for what Sam had done to her, but just like Jasper had predicted - Alice wasn't having any of it. She told Edward that if he ever tried to take the blame for that psycho, she would personally kick his ass. I shuddered just from her tone of voice. Edward told her he would like to see her try, causing both mine and Jasper's eyes to widen in shock. Things just went downhill from there. By the end of the night we were all exhausted but happy.

Alice had been in the hospital for two weeks and was going home tomorrow. We were all running around getting things organised, and Jasper was beside himself at finally being able to take Alice home to their bed. I was happy to be able to get Edward home. I decided to take one last trip down to see Sam before we left, since he had finally woken up and was spewing shit about wanting his Edward. I didn't know what I was going to do, and I had to try to keep myself in check, because I knew if he said one thing to piss me off I would kill the son of a bitch.

I excused myself saying I needed to use the bathroom and went to Sam's room. What I found there was a surprise. Esme. She was talking to Sam in a very calm voice, but the words left no interpretation for how she was feeling. She was laying it all on the line for Sam, telling him what a monster he was. I was shocked to say the least, that Esme, sweet, charming, caring Esme, could be so... I was lost for words. She was clearly protecting her children, Edward long ago included in the Cullen clan.

But what happened next had me frozen on the spot. Esme pulled a needle out of her bag and injected something into Sam's I.V. Moments later, Sam was dead. Killed. Murdered by Esme. The cop in me was frantically going over protocol for arresting a murderer, trying to cope with what had just taken place. Rationally, I knew that as a cop it was my job to uphold the law, but this was Esme, and she was doing us all a favour. I must have been stuck frozen in the doorway for a while because the next thing I knew, Esme was walking towards me, her head hung low as she muttered something about 'going to hell'.

"Esme?" Her head snapped up at the sound of her name and the look that crossed her face was first shock, and then relief.

"Are you here to arrest me, Jake? I'm ready to pay for my crime, just let me say goodbye to Alice, Edward and Carlisle." I was speechless for a moment before I snapped out of it.

"Esme, we have to move now, the nurse will be here any second to call a code."

"I know, Jake, I wasn't going anywhere; I did the crime I am more than willing to do my time." She had a resigned look on her face, like she didn't care what happened to her.

"Esme, move now." I said grabbing her arm and pulling her away from Sam's room and into an empty one across the hall. The sound of nurses rushing to the room echoed through the halls.

"Esme, you...we...fuck." I couldn't form a coherent sentence with the shock radiating through me. This was Esme, she was _not_ a killer.

"Jake, I did what I had to do to protect my family, and I would do it again. I have no remorse for the death of Sam Ulley. The things he has done to Edward... I'm sure you haven't heard all of them yet, and trust me, if you don't vomit when you do, it will be a miracle. Then to make matters worse, he almost killed Alice. What would you have me do, Jake, stand by and watch as he healed enough to do it again? 'Cause we both know, he would have stopped at nothing to get Edward." As I listened I knew everything she was saying was the truth. Sam would not have stopped until he had Edward with him, or dead. Alice was lucky to be alive. Fuck.

"Okay Esme, here's what we are going to do..."

* * *

**A/N Voting is open on the ****NO BELLA ALLOWED CONTEST. Vote here: http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2216993/ !!!!!**


	17. Declaration

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters. **

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome, I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader VanPireNZ for your input, you rock.**

**Okay on with the story.**

* * *

EPOV

I looked at my watch; Jake had been gone for two hours. My expression must have shown my worry because Jasper said he would go check on him if it would make me feel better. My mind had conjured up all sorts of bad images, Jake lying dead on the floor of the bathroom being the most prominent at the moment. We all knew Sam was awake and that thought terrified me so much that every time I tried to leave Alice's room, I started to shake. But at this point my concern for Jake was overpowering everything else.

"No, Jasper, I'm gonna go find him myself. I can do this." I sighed heavily and made my way to the door just as it opened. "Jake, thank God, I was so worried." I said as I threw myself at him, holding him as close to me as possible and running my hands all over him. He knew what I was doing and chuckled softly, pulling me back to look at me.

"I'm sorry I took so long. I truly didn't mean to worry you baby. I just have some news. Sam died." It took me a while to register what he had just said. Sam was dead. I didn't have to worry about him anymore. Everyone I loved would be safe.

"How?" Yes, that was a good question, right? My mind was working frantically to come up with the appropriate way to act to this news and I was coming up short, too conflicted with each and every thought. I was glad he was dead because everyone was safe - I was safe for the first time in a long time. But I had loved him so much at one point in time and a small part of me still did and wanted to grieve the loss. Then again, this was also Jake's cousin, his family, so this would be hard on him, too.

"They are not sure yet but are guessing it was from internal injuries. Carlisle thinks it may have been a blood clot that broke loose." One thing occurred to me at that point; Jake was doing something he had never done before - he was lying to me. I could see it on his face, he was covering something up. All the signs where there: he couldn't look me in the eye, he was keeping a firm distance between us and his hands where shaking slightly. Not enough for anyone to notice unless they were paying attention, but I was always paying attention to Jake. Is this what took him so long? Did he go and confront Sam and things got messy? Did he kill his cousin for me? I started to shake uncontrollably, thinking that Jake had done this and if he got caught he would be taken away from me.

I couldn't lose Jake, I needed him. I loved him more than my own life. This couldn't be happening. Sam had stolen a big chunk of my life and now that I had finally found peace and happiness, he was going to take that from me, too. Even in death Sam was still controlling my life. I didn't realize I had begun to cry until I felt Jake wrap me up in his arms and hold me tight, gently shushing me and rubbing his hand up and down my back in the soothing motion I was so accustom to.

"You can't leave me, Jake. You can't let them take you away from me. I wont make it without you." I whispered to him, and when he pulled back to look me in the eyes, I could see the expression of shock on his face. He pulled me from the room, telling Jasper and Alice that he needed to speak to me privately. Once we were outside he found an unoccupied room and led us in there, closing the door quietly behind us.

"Edward? You think I killed Sam?"

"Yes. I know you're hiding something, Jake. You just lied to me in there; you are keeping something from me. If not that, then what? It doesn't matter to me, Jake, I just can't lose you." I pulled myself to him, burying my head in his chest as I sobbed at the thought of losing my light.

"I didn't kill him Edward." Jake said softly and pulled me back to look me in the eye as he repeated it. "I did not kill Sam." He was telling the truth, there was not an ounce of deceit on his beautiful face. I blew out the breath I had been holding and actually laughed out loud in my relief.

"Oh thank God." Jake smiled at my behaviour but there was still something off. "What is it Jake? You know something." He shook his head and told me to stay right where i was and he would be back in a second.

I started to pace the room, wondering what the hell was going on, and actually relieved that Jake hadn't done anything to get him taken from me. Ten minutes later the door opened and Jake came back in with Esme. I was so confused at that point. Why the hell was Esme here? What did any of this have to do with... Then it all clicked into place.

"You?" I'm sure my eyes widened to a comical size and I slapped my hand over my mouth not willing to say the rest.

"I never planned on keeping it a secret from you Edward, I just wanted her to be here when I told." Jake said, his eyes filled with sorrow. "I could never keep anything from you baby, without trust and honesty we have nothing." He was right, and he had never lied to me or kept anything from me before, he was always honest even when he knew it would upset me. It was one of the things that made me fall so hard for him.

"I would say I'm sorry, Edward, but I'm not. I have no regrets for what I did. I just never planned on getting caught, but once I knew Jake saw me, I had to give in easily. I would never put him in any jeopardy..."

"NO. Jake, you can't take her, I wont...shes my moth...all I have left..." My world was growing fuzzy, it was all too much - Sam's dead, Esme killed him and Jake caught her. I stumbled slightly and was in Jake's arms before I knew it. Esme was speaking to me slowly.

"Breathe, sweetheart, nice and slow."

"Edward, stay with me, baby." Jake's voice brought me back, the worry laced with the hurt was all it took. I looked up at him and took a few deep breaths as he continued. "I would never..." He turned to face Esme while I clung to him desperately. "I already told you, Esme, I wont arrest you. It looks like natural causes took him, you made sure of that. There would be no reason for anyone to look into it. To look closer. His mother wont demand an autopsy anyways, she will probably be relieved he's gone too after all the pain he has caused. I spoke to her an hour ago and told her Sam was gone. She knew you know?" He whispered the last bit so quietly I wasnt sure I heard correctly.

"She knew what, Jake?" Esme asked. I still couldn't form words.

"She knew what he was doing to Edward." At that my head snapped up.

"How could she? I never met her, she didn't even know I existed." I wasn't sure what was going on, but a part of me was sure I wasn't going to like the answers.

"She said she had seen you a few times, but you were sleeping or unconscious, she wasn't sure which. She said you were black and blue every time, and one time you were bloodied up so badly, she thought you were dead. I asked her why she never told me, called me for help. Why she didn't do anything. She was scared, Edward. Apparently Sam's dad had a habit of beating her and Sam was just carrying on what he had learnt. The first time she had seen you, you were unconcious and she was cleaning up wounds when Sam walked in and found her. He beat her and told her if she said anything he would kill her, so she tried to keep an eye out for you as best she could without you ever seeing her and without Sam finding out. She saw you the night you left. She was hiding in the room and said she whispered for you to get out, that she couldn't help herself and the words left her without her consent. She wasn't sure you heard her until you got up and starting packing. It was the happiest day of her life."

To say I was gobsmacked was an understatement. I had always thought those words were in my head. I remember clearly hearing the words 'get out' and that they had spurred me into action. "Was she in the room the whole time?" It was a stupid question to ask but it popped out anyway.

"No, she said she awoke in the early hours of the morning with a bad feeling. She just had to come check on you and when she did, she found you just starting to stir, laying all bloody and beaten over Sam's chest where he was holding you to him and snoring." A single tear ran down Jake's cheek, and his voice croaked, "The way she describe you, Edward, the things she told me..." A sob escaped him as he held me tight.

"I'm okay now, Jake." I whispered, knowing how hard this must be on him. It wasn't the first time I realized how much my past affected Jake. His love for me made him feel it all as if it was happening to him, or rather he wished it had happened to him instead of me.

"I'm glad he's dead, Edward. I know that makes me a bad person, but I can't help it. The things he did to you, and I know I don't know all of it, but I know a lot more than I ever wanted to. My Aunt saw so much and she described every detail. I just can't help how I feel. I hate him, and I'm grateful for Esme and what she did. I wish I had had the courage to do it myself." He sniffed and tried to compose himself. "I can live with this, easier than I can live with what he did to you."

I didn't know if I could live with it, but I knew I couldn't live with Esme going to prision because of me.

"I'm not going to put your career in jeapody, Jacob, you will arrest me." Esme's voice was firm.

"No." Jake and I both said at the same time.

"Esme, what are the odds of them doing an autopsy?" Jake asked.

"I'm not sure, but the drug I used will not show in his blood work unless they are specifically looking for it. With the injuries he suffered, I dont think there is a possibility they will be. What does that matter, though, I was caught red handed." Esme sighed softly.

"The point, mom, is I have lost enough. Sam took so much from me, I wont lose you too. I love you." I said before grabbing her and holding her tightly to me, "Please?"

"What am I suppose to do? I knew what I was doing and I was more than prepared to live with what I had done, but to make you two live with it, to keep my secret… I just can't let you two be drowned by the guilt that will come from that. I did this to protect you, not make things worse for you." Esme was clearly getting upset; the weight of everything she had done was fiinally showing, causing her face to age in front of us.

"I already told you what we are going to do, Esme. Telling Edward was the first part. I told you I would keep no secrets from him. Now Edward knows and we are going to keep this between the three of us. You are not going to jail Esme, agreed?"  
"Agreed." I added and gave Esme a pointed look. She hung her head low and whispered out a thank you before hugging us both and sobbing gently.

"I love you boys, truly I do, and I'm so sorry for dragging you into my mess."

"It's not your mess, mom. That's the point, none of this would have happened if it wasn't for me. Alice wouldn't be in the hospital and you wouldn't had done something so out of character just to protect me. None of this would have happened." I whispered the last part as the weight of the words finally sunk in. My fault, it was all my fault. I had brought this upon them; I had brought evil into their lives and put them all at risk. Now Alice was recovering from surgery and Esme had committed murder. Sam was right all along - it had always been my fault...

"Stop that right now, you hear me?" Jake's voice was harsher than usual. I had never heard that tone before directed at me and it caused me to shiver, "This is not your fault Edward. I know exactly what your thinking, and you're wrong. If it's your fault, then its mine, too. Sam was my cousin, my blood did this." He shook his head and swallowed loudly. I couldn't agree with him. I could never blame Jake for any of this, he was my saviour, the only person I could believe in.

"I love you, Jake." I couldn't express everything I was feeling in that moment in time, the love he gave me, the comfort. I still blamed myself for everything that had happened, and I'm not sure that would ever change, but what I was sure about, the only tangible thing in my life I could completely depend on, was my Jake.

"I love you, too, baby, so very much," Jake replied as he pulled me into his arms and kissed me. It was a soft, gentle kiss that left me wanting more. Esme cleared her throat subtly, and Jake pulled back from me with a heavy sigh.

"So, what do we do now?" It was a basic question, but one I wanted an answer to, so I was glad Esme asked it.

"Nothing," Jake answered, "We go on as normal. We take Alice home, Edward will help her with her rehab, and we just continue forward, leaving this mess in the past. Can you all do that?" Jake's voice was soft, but firm as he looked back and forth between me and Esme.

We both nodded, though my mind was racing. Could I do that? The only thing I was completely sure about was that with Jake and for Esme, I could try.

"What about Carlisle? Should we tell him? I mean I have Jake to lean on and talk to. Esme, you know you can talk to me and Jake anytime, but wouldn't it be easier on you if you had your partner to lean on?" I know I wouldn't be able to get by without Jake, it is all so much to deal with, and I am still trying to come to terms with the fact he is actually dead, let alone anything else. "What do you think, Jake?"

"I think that the more people that know, the harder things are going to be. I think that telling Carlisle makes him an accomplice after the fact. But most of all, I think it's up to Esme because, like you, Edward, I don't think I could do this on my own." Jake tugged me closer to him as he said the last part and I snuggled into him, taking comfort in his arms.

"This is a burden I will not place on my husband. I would never have placed it on either of you if Jake hadn't caught me. I'm still so sorry for that, but I take full responsibility for my actions and will deal with the consequences, without involving Carlisle."

"Esme, all of this is my fault. If it hadn't been for me coming into your lives, none of this would have happened. Alice would never have been injured, and you would have never done something so completely out of character. I did this, no one else..."

"Stop, Edward," Jake said as he squeezed me to him, "None of this is your fault; the blame lies with only one person, Sam. He started all of this the day he met you. You can't blame yourself for anything that happened. I won't allow it." He placed a kiss on my head and held me tight. My head automatically went into his chest, seeking the warmth and comfort only Jake could give me.

"We better get back, they will be wondering where we are." I couldn't think of how to reply to Jake since I couldn't agree with him, but I knew if I disagreed it would just upset him. And by the look he was giving me, I think he knew what I was doing.

"Edward, you and Esme go back to Alice's room, I'm just going to..." I cut him off quickly.

"No, Jake, please, I need you with me." I knew I sounded weak, but I really needed Jake to be by my side right now. It was just so much all at once. Sam finding me, Alice getting injured and now Sam dead. I was actually amazed I was still conscious. In the past, just half of the stuff that had happened to me in the last few weeks would have left me a blubbering mess, and though I still needed Jake for support, I was relieved to realize I was actually getting better at handling things.

"It's okay, Jake, you go with Edward and I will find Carlisle, he would have a better idea of what's going on anyway." Esme hugged and kissed us both and said she would see us later on tonight, and Jake and I made our way back to Alice's room.

As soon as we walked through the door Alice demanded to know where we had been. Apparently we had missed everything. It seems Sam's cause of death had been put down as a cardiac arrest and his doctors think it was a result of his years of alcohol and drug abuse. His mother had given them a background on his addictions and asked that his body be sent to the reservation for a traditional burial.

I felt the relief wash through me at that, and my body sagged into Jake's as I let out the breath I had been unintentionally holding. The day was definitely catching up to me and all I really wanted to do was curl up in my own bed with Jake and have him hold me while I slept.

"Guess what?" Alice said interrupting my day dream of Jake holding me against his naked chest.

"What?" Jake and I said at the same time.

"I get to go home tonight. Dad is coming to do one final check and then he said I can leave if everything checks out." She was literally bouncing on the edge of the bed where she sat, and for the first time since I walked in the room, I realized she was fully dressed and her suitcase was by the door.

An hour and a half later we were walking through Jasper and Alice's front door. I was beyond tired, but I wanted to make sure she got settled in okay, and I really had to use the bathroom.

"I'm just gonna use the bathroom and then we are going to get outta the way so you two can do whatever it is you two do when we are not around." I chuckled and left the room.

After washing my hands, I stared at myself in the mirror as I contemplated everything that had happened. Sam was dead by Esme's hand. I still had a hard time believing that she had done it. But I couldn't deny the relief I felt at not having to be afraid he was going to get me anymore. Though I was still dealing with the after effects of his years of torment, and I still found it difficult to be around large groups of people, especially men, I would never have to worry about him finding me. I would never have to leave Jake, and he wouldn't have to be constantly worried that Sam would take me away from him.

We had a lot to work through, a lot of things to deal with, but I had no doubt in my mind at that moment that Jake and I could get through anything. I walked out of the bathroom with a small smile on my face, which quickly grew into a grin so large my face hurt.

Kneeling down by the couch on one knee, he looked up and said the most beautiful words I had ever heard.

"I love you, so very much. You mean everything to me and I would be lost without you. Will you marry me and make me the happiest man in the world?"


	18. Regression

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader VanPireNZ for your input, you rock.**

**Okay on with the story.**

* * *

Regression

Jacob's POV

When Edward left my side to go to the bathroom, panic set in. It was irrational and I knew it, but flashes of his face when he ran out of that restaurant flashed through my mind. It took everything in me to stay where I was and not follow.

I vaguely heard Jasper talking to Alice, but my focus was on Edward as he emerged from the bathroom, his face was positively glowing, his eyes were watery and his smile was magnificent. He looked truly stunning, and my breath caught.

My focus was shifted by a very high pitched squeal, followed by a "yes, yes, yes," as Alice threw herself at Jasper, knocking them both to the floor in her excitement. She was kissing every part of his face, her whole face glowing with excitement as tears of happiness flow down her cheeks. It truly was a beautiful sight.

That's when I realized what I had missed - Jasper had proposed. I turned back to Edward as he wrapped his arms around me, his eyes never leaving Alice and Jasper.

"I'm so happy for them." He murmured before turning his attention to me and kissing me softly on the lips. A happy sigh left me as I returned the kiss.

"I am too." I replied against his lips. "How about we give them some privacy?" Alice and Jasper were lost in each other, and by the looks of it, had totally forgotten we were in the room as their hands roamed each other's bodies and their kisses grew more frantic. I felt like a complete voyeur, and I tugged Edward to the door, blushing slightly.

Edward giggled quietly at my side as he allowed me to lead him out of the room and back to his apartment. "I'm sure we will be hearing from them soon enough." He said as we walked in his front door. "Do you think they will even remember we were there?"

"At some point, I'm sure they will." I laughed loudly at the thought of their reaction to the fact they had lost total control in front of an audience.

"I don't know about you, but right now, all I want to do is crawl into bed with the man I love and sleep for a week." Edward said, looking up at me.

"I couldn't agree more. Lead the way, baby." I followed Edward into his, no, _our_ bedroom, and we both got changed into our pajamas. It was actually the first time we had stripped down in front of each other, and I could feel his eyes on me as I shed my clothes and pulled on my sleep pants.

He huffed out and turned his head as I looked up at him. He was blushing slightly, my guess at being caught ogling me in my underwear.

"You know, Edward, you can look at me anytime, in any state of dress or undress." I loved teasing him when he got all shy about this stuff, but what I loved more was the fact that I _could_ tease him about this stuff. I also knew it would help him relax.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Jacob." I laughed as he looked at me with innocent eyes and a slight smirk on his face.

"Uh huh, fine, whatever you say sweet cheeks." He giggled a little as he got into bed, mumbling "sweet cheeks indeed" under his breath.

"I heard that, Edward. You're not as stealthy as you think you are." He crawled over to me as I settled between the sheets and curved his body around mine, resting his head on my chest and running his fingers over my abs. I shivered slightly from his actions.

He knew exactly what that did to me, and that fact was confirmed when his shoulders started to shake as he tried to suppress his laughter.

"I thought you were tired, Edward?" I asked, trying to distract myself as his fingers moved lower, circling the top of my pajama pants.

"I do believe I'm getting my second wind." He replied matter of factly before lowering his head and placing light kisses on my chest. I moaned loudly and threaded my fingers through his hair.

"Edward..." My voice cut off as he took one of my nipples in his mouth.

"Mmm?" His voice was muffled from his actions, and the vibration it sent through me caused my dick to twitch.

"You need to stop that before I lose all sense of self control." I tugged on his hair gently to try and remove his mouth from me. He looked up at me. His eyes had darkened considerably, and he had the cutest little pout on his face.

He crawled over me and laid himself out, much like he had the night he fell asleep on me, and the memories of that night cause my hips to thrust up ever so slightly, but enough that he felt it and moaned softly in my ear, taking my lobe into his mouth and sucking on it.

"Edward, please." I begged, unsure if I was begging him to stop or to keep going. All I knew was that my control was slipping. It had been weeks of kisses and innocent touches, and my body was crying out for release. I had only managed to 'clean the pipes' a few times a week, since Edward was always with me, or needed me. So most showers where fast.

His hips started to grind into mine as his lips trailed down my neck, kissing, sucking and nipping his way down. When he hit that sweet spot on my neck, my hips bucked up hard, my control slipping quickly.

I placed my hands on his hips to still his movement, causing him to look at me with a raised eyebrow. "Edward, we haven't talked about this yet; are you sure you're ready to move forward?" My constant concern about him helped me focus.

"Jake." He peppered kisses to my jaw, moving towards my lips, kissing me deeply before continuing with his lips still pressed gently against mine. "I...I just want to feel, I want to...I don't know what I want, Jake, all that I know for sure is this feels right. I may not be ready for sex yet," he blushed as he spoke, "but I am ready for more." He kissed me deeply again, cutting off what I was about to say, but I pulled back. I had to be sure.

Just as I opened my mouth to speak, he placed his hand over my lips, "I'm sure, Jake. I love you." The look that he gave me melted my soul, and that was all it took for me to give in completely. What ever he wanted, I would give him.

I pulled him to me, one hand moving through his hair, angling his head so I could kiss him deeper, while the other slid down his naked back until I was cupping his ass, squeezing it gently. My hips came up to meet his again and again, our kissing becoming more frantic as our hands traced flesh and our cocks rubbed together through the thin fabric. Pants and groans echoed off the walls and I couldn't get enough of him, the only thought through my head was _more, please God, more_ as pleas fell from his beautiful mouth.

"Jake, please, Jake… oh God, touch me." I froze for a moment at his request before I slid my hands gently underneath his sleep pants and cupped his bare ass. My hands rubbed over the flesh in worship as I pulled him down to me to add more friction.

"Tell me what you want, baby?" I asked as I continue to thrust upward.

"I want more, Jake...please....oh God...." Edward pulled away from me quickly, hooking his hands under the elastic of my pants and pulling them down and completely off, then tugged his own down before resuming his position. The moment his bare cock touched mine I moaned loudly and pulled him to me, reclaiming his lips and groaning in his mouth.

His hands wandered my chest and sides until they slid underneath me and pulled me closer, our hips never stalling in their quest for release. My lips move down his jaw, nipping across it and down his neck. I licked up to his ear and whispered, "I love you so fucking much," before sucking it into my mouth. His thrusts became more forceful as did mine, and he moaned.

"I love you, too, Jake, more than I have ever loved anyone." His words come out in thick pants, and he bit down on my neck. That was the last straw, and I thrust faster and faster, the tight coil springing its release, and I came harder than I have in a very long time, his name falling from my lips in between 'oh God's' and 'fuck'. Edward came right after me, his screams filling the air as my name passed his lips over and over again.

We lay panting and breathless as we recovered from our orgasms, a blissful high taking over. We kissed passionately until the wetness between us became a sticky mess.

"Shower?" He asked, cocking his head towards the bathroom door.

"Together?" I raise my eyebrow at him in question. He laughed at the look on my face.

"Of course, together. Come on silly man." He got up and tugged me with him. We showered quickly with minimal contact. Edward seemed shy and he made sure he stood behind me the whole time, then snuck out quickly and wrapped a towel around himself before I got out.

Making sure I never saw his back, he made his way into the bedroom to dry and get dressed. Understanding took over me at his awkward backwards walking, and I realized he was trying to keep that tattoo hidden from me, even though I had already seen it.

I dried and dressed quickly and joined Edward back in bed. We need to talk about this, I wouldn't allow anything to fester or come between us, especially my dead cousin.

"Edward?"

He cut me off quickly. "I know Jake, I'm sorry, its just...even though I know you have already seen it...I can't help the natural instinct to hide it. Especially from you. I don't want you to see me as damaged; I want to be a whole man for you. I want so much to put everything behind me. To be the man that you deserve." I felt my eyes tear up at his words. How could he not see that he was everything to me; he was the man I deserved.

"Edward, I love every piece of you. You _are _the man I deserve, a _whole _man. You are everything I always wanted. You make me a better man; you make me want to strive to be more. Without you, I have nothing." He threw himself into my arms and held me tightly, sniffles occasionally coming from him.

I knew I could go on without him; I knew I could move forward and live, but it would be shallow; I would feel hollow and life would lose all color. He was everything to me, it was that simple.

"How about we get some sleep. I don't know about you, but someone exhausted me." I joked to try and lighten the mood. Edward was getting better at dealing with things, at taking things in, but I also knew that too much at once would set him back. We had to take things slow. Especially after Esme.

"Sounds perfect to me. Jake, would you do me a favor? Could you hold me all night?" I smiled and placed a chaste kiss against his lips.

"Of course, baby. Come here." He snuggled down into my arms and I fell asleep to the sounds of his breath evening out.

I was jolted awake the next morning by a persistent banging on the front door. Edward was nestled into my side, his hands gripping and releasing me constantly until his voice popped up, "For the love of God, please shut that noise up." I chuckled and got out of bed.

"Where the hell are you going, Mister?" He grumbled

"To make the noise shut up." I chuckled again.

"Do you have to get up to do that?" He was still half asleep, his eyes barely open, his hands clutching my arms.

"Someone is at the door, baby." I couldn't help but laugh full out at his pout. It didn't quite work when he was half asleep; instead of looking sexy, like that pout usually did, he just looked damn adorable.

The banging got louder and more persistent, so I threw the covers back and jumped out of bed, avoiding Edward's hands as he tried to grab me and pull me back in. I pulled a t-shirt over my head and walked to the bedroom door just as Edward was pulling on a shirt of his own.

We both made our way to the door, Edward moving to stand behind me, his head peaking around my shoulder.

"What are you doing?" I asked. I was confused as to why he was behind me, almost like he was hiding. "This is your house, baby, you should answer the door." He shoved me gently in the back, pushing me closer to the door.

"You answer it," he said as he kept hidden behind me. The knocking continued as I yelled out "Give me a minute," and turned to Edward. "Baby, why are you hiding behind me?" Sam was dead, he had nothing to worry about anymore, and I was a bit perplexed by his actions.

Edward just shrugged his shoulders and smiled tentatively before rolling his shoulders back and standing up straight. He reached for the door handle and opened the door with a soft sigh. I would definitely get to the bottom of that later. But right now we had Alice and Jasper standing at our door. I turned to look at the clock and was startled to read that it was already eleven in the morning.

Alice threw herself at Edward who luckily caught her and spun her around. He smiled and kissed her head, telling her "Congratulations Alice," before she even had a chance to say anything. At the puzzled look on her face I interjected.

"We were there last night when Jasper proposed. I guess you too were a little too caught up to realize, so we quietly left to give you some privacy." I chuckled as Jasper's face flushed and Alice giggled.

"Yeah, umm, sorry about that?" It came out as a question as Jasper tried to hide his embarrassment and failed miserably. Even Edward was laughing by this point, and Jasper couldn't help but join in when he added, "So exactly how much did you see?"

"Much more than I ever wanted to, but not enough to scar me for life." Edward said and hugged Jasper to him, whispering softly in his ear, "Congratulations, Jazz, I'm so happy for you."

"Edward, I have a favor to ask." Jasper said and Edward nodded his head for Jasper to continue. "Will you be my best man?" Edward stood there with his mouth hanging open, eyes wide in shock.

"I thought you would...but what about..." Edward took a deep breath and tried to get himself under control, "I thought you would ask Jake? But I would be honored Jazzy." Edward finally got out. Alice started to mumble in the background.

"God damn it Jasper, I wanted Edward, now what the hell am suppose to do. I was looking forward to having a male maid of honor..." Alice kept the rant up until Edward placed a hand over her mouth.

"You know, Jake is still available."

"Edward." Alice and I both said at the same time. Alice said it like he was the smartest man in the world; I said it like I was going to kill him in private later. Edward looked at me with slight panic in his eyes. Then dropped his head and whimpered.

"Edward?" I said softly as I made my way over to him and wrapped my arms gently around his waist. He pulled away from me slightly, and I slackened my arms so he could move out of them if he wished. But then he leaned back into me and sighed, mumbling a quick "sorry" under his breath.

Something was seriously wrong with him, he was acting so out of character, or more to the point he was acting like he did... Oh. Everything finally fell into place. The need to hide behind me and the reaction to my tone of voice - he was slowly regressing to his prior behavior. It had been a while since he had pulled away from me, or even shown the slightest bit of fear. He was even arguing with me and standing up for himself a lot.

Sam's death and Esme's involvement must have triggered this behavior. Not that I had much clue as to how to handle this, but I also figured if Edward was having this reaction to all of this then he probably wouldn't want to speak to Esme about it.

"Edward," I leaned down and whispered in his ear, causing him to shiver slightly, "are you okay, baby? Do you need anything?" He turned to me and smiled before kissing me, his body relaxing into me.

"I'm fine baby...I'm not really sure what happened then. Can we talk about it later?" He asked in a soft whisper.

"Sure." Not that I was sure at all, but I decided it was better not to push him. I left Edward with Alice and Jasper, telling Alice to keep him occupied so I could call Esme about something. Alice smiled and said "Sure, but you will tell me what's going on later." I added a "sure, sure," with absolutely no intention of telling her anything.

Esme answered on the second ring, almost like she was expecting my call.

"Esme, it's Jake, I was wondering if you could help me out with Edward? He seems to have withdrawn this morning, having old reactions to things, and I'm really not sure what to do about it."

"I was hoping this wouldn't happen but figured it would. Does he want to see me?" She asked, and I could hear the hope in her voice.

"I don't know he hasn't said anything, and this reaction only happen this morning when Alice and Jasper showed up to tell us about the wedding." I bit my lip, worried I had spilled the news to Esme before Alice had the chance to.

"Yes," Esme chuckled, "I knew about the wedding. I'm very excited about it. How about you talk to Edward after Alice and Jasper leave and find out if he wants to see me. If not, then you can come see me and we can discuss what you can do to help him. How does that sound?" Esme sounded so tired, and I thought it would be a good idea to go see her regardless.

"Sounds good to me. Esme? Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Not right now, Jake. I think I'm coping as best as I can. Thanks for asking, though."

"Anytime, mom," I said, knowing how much it meant to her when any of us called her that. She chuckled softly.

"Thanks for that, Jake, I love you."

"Love you, too. Speak to you soon." We hung up and I made my way back out to the others. As soon as I entered the room, I looked for Edward. He was usually by my side the moment I entered a room, but he was sitting on the couch, looking out the window. I went to sit next to him. He was deep in thought and jumped when I touched him. The first flinch in a long time.

I sighed softly, and for the first time in five weeks, I thought there was a very good chance I could lose him.


	19. Hope

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**A/N at bottom.**

**Okay on with the story.**

* * *

Hope

EPOV

I sighed deeply as I gazed out the window, my mind drifting back to last night's events. Jacob had been so loving and sweet, and I blushed thinking about how aggressive I had been. I can't believe I actually stripped us both off.

The smile that was on my lips faded as I thought about how I had been so embarrassed about my tattoo, and I made a conscious decision to do something about that. Maybe Jake would come with me to have it covered; we could look through the books and come up with something together.

Rubbing my hands over my face, I remembered the dream I had the night before. Jake, surrounded by light, smiling down at me - my protector, my angel, my heart. It was peaceful and perfect until that damn banging had awoken me. I had a hard time releasing Jake from our bed. _Our bed_. I smiled at the thought of it.

But something was off; something nagged me in the back of my mind. It was a feeling of doom fast approaching and I couldn't understand where it was coming from. It hit me in spurts and controlled me. My actions were becoming erratic and I knew Jake noticed. He noticed everything.

I still couldn't understand why I hid behind Jake this morning; why I was all of a sudden terrified to answer my own door. I don't know why I pulled away from Jake when he tried to comfort me after he raised his voice in that tone...I knew that tone, I remembered that tone well. Jake had never used it before, and it startled me. For the first time in a long while, I looked at Jake and saw Sam. I recovered quickly but not quickly enough. Jake was worried, I could see it in his eyes, and it killed me that I put that look there. I just didn't know what I was dealing with myself.

The moment Jake came back into the room I felt it. I knew he was there, but for the life of me I just couldn't move. I wanted to go to him, as I always did when he had been gone from me, but something held me still. What surprised me was when he touched me and I flinched. I couldn't fucking believe I flinched. Panic set in at the thought of upsetting Jake. I heard his sigh and it broke my heart. God I loved him so fucking much, but for the life of me I just couldn't make it right. What could I do? The damage was done. I had caused pain to the one person in the word I never wanted to hurt.

I saw the look in his eyes earlier when I showed fear for the first time in a long time, so I could only imagine the look on his face now. I mentally slapped myself in the head; well, I thought I did until I felt Jake's hand on my wrist. I leaned back into him and turn my head into his chest, breathing in his scent. My heart jumped and electricity soared through me, my emotions tumbling around each other. So many all at once: pain, anger, resentment, love, peace, hope. I heard Jake's voice comforting me as he rubbed my back gently.

"Shhh, baby, I've got you."

It was then I realized I was sobbing. I couldn't stop the onslaught so I just gave in completely and buried myself further into the comfort of Jake's warm chest. I could hear voices but couldn't bring myself to look up.

"Is he alright?" Alice asked, her voice laced with concern which only caused me to sob even harder.

"What's wrong with him? Is there anything we can do?" Jasper voice cut through Alice's, his laced with worry and fear.

"I've got him now, how about you two head home and I...we will come see you in a bit. Okay?" Jake said, the pain evident in his voice. He sounded so broken. It torn me apart even more and I completely broke. Every last thing that I had been through, every hit, every scar, every feeling flowed freely and I let it all go in the safety of his arms.

"We are not leaving him like this, Jake, and you know better than to ask it." Jasper said. I knew it was true - Alice and Jazz would be by my side till I rode this out.

This was a first for me, I had broken down a few times, but never to this point, never where it all came crashing down on me at once. Thoughts of Sam and his mother, of Esme and Jake and Alice and Jasper -, their faces and the pain I had brought into their lives. All my fault, all my fault.

"Shh, baby, it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong. Sam's gone now. Esme is fine, baby, she's just worried about you, and Alice and Jasper love you so much. You have brought so much joy into all their lives." I shook my head violently as I realized again I had spoken out loud. I didn't want to burden Jake any more than I already had. He deserved better than this, better than me. I had nothing to offer, I was a complete wreck.

How could I have deluded myself into thinking I was worthy of him...

"Stop." Jake shouted, his voice firm and strong. I froze in his arms and shook slightly at the force of it. He rubbed my back in comfort but his voice never lost its strength as he continued. "I've heard enough, Edward. You were a victim of circumstance. You picked the wrong person, or the wrong person picked you, and I won't allow you to continue to blame yourself for this. You have worked too hard to get where you are and you have become so damn strong." He took a deep breath and kissed my forehead before he continued.

"I love you so fucking much. I never knew I could love someone this much. I feel everything you feel and just being near you brightens my day, but if I have to, if you need me to...I...I will move back to my place to give you space. I know I don't officially live here, but..."

"What?" My voice was a whisper but the shock was clear. He wanted to leave me.

"I don't want to go, Edward, I want to stay here with you, but if you need time..."

"NO!" It was my turn to scream. "I can't... No, Jake, just, no. Sam has cost me enough; he won't take you, too." I sobbed holding tight to Jake.

"Will you do something for me then, Edward?" Jake asked, his tone softer.

"Anything." I breathed out through broken sobs.

"Will you talk to me when things get tough, let me help you, or call Esme." I looked at up Jake as I tear fell from his eye. The love shining there was only dampened by the sadness. I nodded and buried my face back into his chest.

I felt my eyes droop as sleep overtook me, and the last thing I heard was, "I love you, Edward."

_I was standing in a meadow and the flowers were in full bloom, every color of the rainbow on show. It was breathtakingly beautiful. I smiled brightly at the display in front of me and I walked around, my hands caressing each flower as I passed it. The sun was shining brightly, but the moon was still visible, looking magical hanging in the blue sky. I knew I had never been to this place before, but somehow it was a part of me - it was mine. I felt safe; the only place I have ever felt safer was in Jake's arms. _

"_Jake." I called out his name, a smile on my face as the sun warmed me. I heard a noise behind me and turned to see if it was Jake._

_The scene changed, Sam was lying on his back on the floor of our old room. I watched myself trying to free myself from his arms. Everything was red. Blood was everywhere, but I felt no pain. I looked over my shoulder and saw the meadow was still behind me as I turned back to look at my bloody self trying to get up._

"_Get out." The voice screamed in my head, I reached down and pulled my other self up, taking hold of my own hand and walking me into the meadow. Turning to look at myself, I smiled and whispered, "It all gets better from here, just trust Jake. He won't let you down."_

_Jake walked out into the meadow - hand held out - with a beautiful smile on his face. I ran to him, and wrapped myself up in his love and warmth._

"_Do I get to have that one day?" My other self asked me._

"_Yes, if you want it. Just don't screw it up." I smiled at myself as Jake led me to the center of the meadow and we lay down to watch the clouds go by._

"Jake." I screamed as I bolted up right. I heard the pounding of heavy footsteps before the bedroom door was thrown open and Jake was at my side.

"What? What happened, baby? Are you okay?" Jake was breathing heavy, his eyes shifting around the room and roaming over my body, checking for signs of attack. I couldn't help it, I chuckled. "You're laughing now?" God, how I loved this man.

"I'm sorry, love, it's just the look on your face when you came in here." I pulled him to me and kissed him hard. "I love you so God damn much it hurts sometimes. Do you know that?" I mumbled against his lips, them kissed him again, chuckling, before pulling back.

"Okay. It's official; I'm in love with a mad man." Jake laughed before pulling me back to him for a cuddle. "So you wanna tell me what all that was about?"

"I'm not too sure myself yet, but I think - I guess - new beginnings, maybe?" Yes very coherent there Edward. But honestly, I wasn't really sure. "I think the only thing I know for certain is you, Jake. I love you and I want to be with you. Even in my dreams you are there, helping me, guiding me, or saving me. It's always you, Jake." I sighed and nuzzled my face into his chest.

"Everything okay in there?" I heard Alice call from the other room.

"They stayed?" I whispered, pulling back to look at Jake.

"Of course, I couldn't get them to leave when you were like that. When you finally passed out, I held you for a while till Jasper pried you from my arms and put you to bed." Jake did not look happy at the fact I was taken from him. I must say I would have been quite content staying in his arms also.

"Aww, baby." I kissed his chest, right on his favorite spot causing him to moan softly and pull back. I couldn't help but chuckle as I climbed onto his lap to tease him some more. I was just starting to work my way down his neck when a gasp came from the doorway.

"Yes, Alice?" I asked as I buried my now glowing face back into Jake's chest, causing him to chuckle.

"They always did have bad timing." He whispered before turning us to face Alice.

"Just making sure everything is alright in here, and, well, I guess it's better than we thought." She giggled then made a run for the bed and launched herself at me and Jake.

Jake spun me around behind him and then lay over the top of me, shielding me from Alice. She grumbled softly as she landed on his back; her head came up over his shoulder and a cute smile took over her face as she looked at me.

"Hey. Looks like no one can get near ya with this one around." She giggled and slapped Jake playfully on the back.

"Looks like." I smiled and leaned up to kiss Jake on the cheek.

"Oh, come on now, not while I'm here...hey what the hell?" Alice shrieked as she disappeared from view. Jake pulled me up and we both turned to see Jasper throw Alice over his shoulder, and then smack her on the ass.

"Stop jumping into other men's beds, woman, you know what that does to me." He growled before looking over his shoulder and winking at us. "We are gonna give ya some time to talk, but we expect ya both down at our place by six for dinner." And with that they were gone. I glanced over at the clock at realized it was already three. I had been asleep for a while.

"I guess we really do need to talk, I'm just not exactly sure what to say since I can't even figure it out for myself right now." I said snuggling back into Jake's lap. "I don't know what it is, but whenever I'm close to you, or in your arms in some way, things are just...easier? I guess for lack of a better word." I sighed and snuggled in. It was true, Jake made things better.

"Why did you pull away from me before? And the flinching was back, Edward, and it scared the shit out of me." Jake blurted out and by the look on his face I don't think he meant to say any of it.

"I'm sorry about that. All I can say for sure is that it's not you. It's never you." I took a deep breath and decided to be honest, what else could I do. If I kept things from him they would only get worse in the end. "When I looked at you, for a split second I... Jake, I'm sorry and I didn't mean to, it's just...for a flash...I saw Sam." I looked down and buried my head in his chest, inhaling his scent to calm me.

"Oh." He sounded so damn broken at that point that I had to look at him, and I regretted it almost immediately. His face was a mask of shear pain, his eyes showing me every emotion crossing his face. He looked open and broken and devastated. I did that, again.

I started to have that same argument with myself that I would always have at this time. I wasn't good enough. Jake deserved better, someone who wouldn't cause him pain and anguish. But I stopped myself in my tracks because, yes, I would cause Jake pain and he would cause me pain; we were in love, and when you loved that much and gave so much of yourself, you felt pain like no other. But the joy you felt, the happiness and love outweighed it all.

That was my light bulb moment. That was the point that I realized that no matter what, there would be pain, but together, the pain would be bearable. Together we could make it.

"Jake, listen to me. I can't say to you that it will never happen again; I can't say to you that I won't cause you the pain that you are feeling right now ever again but what I can tell you is that I will love you forever, and I will be with you for as long as you will allow me to. There is no one in this world that I want to be with more than you. There is no one on this planet that I would risk this kind of pain for. It's you, Jake, it's always been you. It will always be you." I blew out a deep breath and smiled at the look on his face. "So, I guess what I'm saying in my usual long winded way, is if you will have me, I want to be with you, Jake; I want you to move in, officially. Will you?"

He pulled his arms tightly around me in a bone crushing hug, his lips attacking every part of exposed skin he could reach. "Yes, Edward, God yes." He kept repeating in between kisses.

I was laughing at his exuberance, and holding him to me, my insides exploding with love and relief. "Before you get carried away there, Mister, we need to talk about this some more."

"Like what? You asked, I said yes, what more is there?" Jake asked, never ceasing in his ministrations.

"Well," I chuckled and then moaned when he hit the tender spot on my neck, "Do we stay here? Do I move to your place? Do we sell both and buy a new place? Lots of things to discuss." I moaned again as he pulled my lap to his grinding against me.

"How about we talk about that later and for now we just stay here? You might actually want to see my house before you decide for sure, so for now, let's just make out like a couple a teenagers." Jake said all the while still kissing, licking and sucking on my skin, his hands kneading my ass.

I pushed his shoulders back on the bed gently before pulling off my shirt and leaning forward to run my hands under his, bunching up the material, then pulling it over his head. I groaned loudly at the sight of his chest; every time I saw it, it was like looking at a master piece in the art museum, and I was always amazed it was all mine.

I must have said it out loud, a nasty habit I'd picked up around Jake. It seems my brain filter switched off and every thought just came out. "Always yours Edward, always," he said, before taking my ear lobe into his mouth and nibbling gently.

The things he did to me, the way he made my body react to him, always amazed me, every time. It was like being asleep for years and then finally waking up. Like tasting chocolate for the first time. It was magical and powerful, and it was getting easier and easier to just go with the feelings and not freeze up. I wanted him, and that thought stayed with me every day. The need was always there, whether he was next to me or I was just thinking about him. And for the first time in over five years, I think I was actually ready.

"Jake?"

"Yes baby?"

"I think...I mean...I want..." Jake stopped what he was doing and pushed my shoulders back gently before looking me in the eye.

"What, baby? You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"I know, Jake, I'm just...its...well...hell, Jake, I think I'm ready to make love." I buried my face in his neck as I felt the blush run up my cheeks. I was never good at talking about sex and I never talked about my wants and needs. Even when things where good with Sam. I just never felt like I could, or should. So I wasn't sure on how to get out what I needed to without the inevitable blush. I know Jake didn't mind, in fact, Jake loved the fact he could get me to blush like that. Plus he thought the color made me sexy, hell who was I to argue.

"Then I guess we should talk about it, baby." I was confused what there was to talk about. Jake was a top, I was a bottom, we both knew the mechanics, and I knew that Jake had never bottomed in his life, and I had never topped. It seemed simple enough to me, except when I thought about him being inside of me. Half of me craved it, wanted it, even needed it, but there was a part of me that was terrified of what would happen if we did. That's when I understood what he meant.

"Oh," was my highly intelligent reply. Jake smiled at me, understanding in his eyes, he was always a few steps ahead of me with this stuff, and over cautious at how quickly we proceeded in our relationship. I on the other hand was just so excited and relieved I was getting any reaction downstairs that I tended to act first and have a panic attack later. Lucky for me Jake loved me so much.

"Jake, would you ever consider...no never mind." I couldn't bring myself to ask him if he would bottom. I had no idea if either of us would like it, all I knew was that was the only way I would feel in control.

I was starting to get a little upset at the way my mind would jump tracks lately. It was almost close to being bipolar. I couldn't hold on to any thought long enough before something else would enter my mind and then I would be too damn nervous or shy to talk about it.

"Edward?" I realized I had just drifted off into my own little world again; I was staring at his chest the whole time, my hands absentmindedly running over his pecs and abs. I found his skin comforting in not only its strength but softness.

"Mmm?" I answered totally distracted by the feel of him under my fingers now that I was conscious of what I was doing. His chuckle made me look at him and blush when I realized where exactly my hand had drifted too. While one hand was indeed stroking his chest and stomach, the other was tracing his penis through his pants.

I went to pull my hand away, but Jake held it in place and smiled at me. "If it helps you concentrate and makes it easier to talk, please feel free to rub it for luck." He smirked and then moaned as I gave it a squeeze. "Edward, we should really talk. Now what did you want to ask me?"

I felt the blush creep up my cheeks as I thought about how to phrase it. In the end it was best to just come out with it so I did, I blurted out, "would you bottom for me?"

The room went silent as we stared into each other's eyes, and I waiting with baited breath for his answer.

* * *

**So sorry for the delay as most of you know I was rushed in for emergency surgery two weeks ago, so I have been recovering since then, so this chapter is a few weeks late. Short of anymore medical emergencies or any other kind things should pick back up where they left off. Chapter 20 is already underway.**

**Thank you all for your patients and a special thanks to all of you who sent me PM's with kind words. It meant a lot. As for reviews, I haven't been replying to any of them lately, since I've been trying to concentrate on writing instead, I will get back to reply to reviews ASAP. If I miss you please accept my apologies and know I read each and every one, they are what keep me writing. Okay that ends this long winded AN lol Thanks again it means so much that you are all sticking with me and loving my boys as much as I do.**


	20. Wolf

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Okay on with the story.**

* * *

Wolf

Jake's POV

Edward had fallen asleep in my arms after his breakdown. I held him close to me, needing the comfort of his body next to mine. My nose rested in his hair as I pondered what was next for us. We had been through so much in such a short time; surely things had to get better. The law of averages had to be on our side by now. We had been through year's worth of problems in a matter of a little over a month.

It wasn't the fact that we had hurdles - I knew the moment I laid eyes on Edward, he was the only man I would ever want. Even after I found out all he had been through, I knew what I was getting into. But I knew, deep down, that what Esme had done had somehow broken him. Every emotion, every memory was running through him like a freight train.

Something I learned about Edward early on was that when he was upset, he verbalized out loud and without conscious thought. I was completely sure he thought he was thinking all the things in his mind, but he was loud and vocal, and Jasper and Alice were there to witness it all. I was quiet glad he hadn't mentioned anything specific about what Esme had indeed done.

His musings about how much he loved me and how he hated to hurt me, how I would be better off without him and how he would never be good enough for me, all rammed through my chest. All I could think was that one day I would make him see that without him, I had nothing.

When Alice and Jasper asked what was wrong with him, I realized he was whispering so soft that only I could hear him. They wouldn't leave, but they did give us some privacy after a pleading look from me when Edward started to calm and talk to me.

I was brought out of my musings by Jasper pulling Edward from my arms, and my grip tightened automatically.

"Jake, he should be in bed after that; he needs his rest." I knew that was true but it hurt to be separated from him when he was in such pain. "Besides, we need to talk." My grip loosened with Jasper's words. What could he possibly want to talk about?

Jasper was back before I knew it and sat down beside me, his hand resting on my shoulder. "Jake? What's going on?" Jasper asked with concern.

"I think he's having a reaction to Sam's death. It's finally hitting him. I just don't know what to do. Esme gave me some tips to deal with it and I will try and get him to talk to her about it, but whatever it takes Jazz, I will get him through this." My voice was strong, determined. I would walk through hell and face the devil himself to help Edward.

"Well I figured that out on my own genius." Jazz said and slapped me gently on the back, "what I mean is what else is going on? So tell me Jake, what the hell is really going on."

"It's blame, pure and simple, Jazz. Shoot, Edward blames himself for Sam hurting Alice and for bringing chaos into the family. He pretty much blames himself for everything Sam has ever done to him and everyone he loves. And the worst part, Jazz, is I have no fucking clue how to help him. I feel so fucking useless." I scrub my hands over my face roughly and then through my hair, tugging it wildly. "He flinched, Jazz, he flinched at me when I touched him. Do you know how long its been since he has done that?" My hands fell into my lap and I felt the wetness hit my skin. Tears were a common thing for me lately, but I couldn't begrudge them. They were all for him; always for him.

We sat in silence for a long time, me lost in my thoughts while Alice and Jasper huddled together talking quietly amongst themselves, allowing me to gather myself. It was only the sound of Edward screaming my name that broke through to me, and I was up and running before I had even made the decision to move. Panic swept through me, and even though I knew it was impossible, I thought that somehow Sam had gotten into the house past us and to Edward.

All rational thought left me when it came to Edward and his safety.

After some playful moments and getting rid of Alice and Jasper with promises of going to their place for dinner, Edward and I talked. I mean _really_ talked.

I was so happy he wanted us to live together officially and that we got a lot of things out in the open, but after a while, I was done talking and just wanted to spend some quality time making out with my man.

When he told me he was ready for sex I thought I was going to explode right there. The thought of me inside him filled my head; it didn't help that he had his hand on my cock while he was talking. I didn't mind at all, and if it helped him concentrate then it was even better, and I told him as much.

What I wasn't expecting, but I should have been, was him asking me to bottom for him. It threw me completely. I had thought about it, considering all he had been through and was going to bring up the subject myself, but for him to bring it up instead was shocking and exhilarating.

It was shocking because he was so shy about sex, and it was exhilarating because he felt comfortable enough with me and trusted me enough to ask.

I still had no clue if I could do it, if I wanted to do it, but I knew that I would try, for him. Only for him.

Edward cleared his throat and I realized we had been staring at each other for a long time, and I had failed to answer his question, being so caught up in my own thoughts.

"It's okay; you don't have to, Jake, it was just a thought. Hell, I have no idea what I'm doing anyway..." He trailed off, looking down.

"Edward, look at me." I said and waiting for him to meet my eyes before I continued. "I have thought about this a lot, I was just a bit taken aback that you actually asked me. It means a lot to me that you felt comfortable enough to ask me something so personal. That in itself is a huge step for you, and for us. And to answer your question, I know you know I have never bottomed before, I have never wanted to. Quite frankly it scares the hell out of me, but for you, Edward, I would be willing to try."

Edward looked at me skeptically for a moment as my words sunk in and then threw his arms around my neck kissing me passionately. "I can't believe you would do that for me." He said before recapturing my lips.

"You should know by now, Edward, I would do anything for you. You just have to ask." I replied after the kiss ended.

We were both panting heavily and extremely hard, but even though I was willing to try, I just couldn't do it now - I needed time to prepare and get my mind together. I was about to tell him just that when he cut me off.

"I know we can't do it right now, and I am willing to wait for as long as you need just like you have waited for me, but there is something I want to do first before we make love."

"What's that, baby?" I asked rubbing his back gently as he started to shake slightly.

"I was wondering....would you mind...I mean... I really want to...fuck...why is this so hard?" He muttered to himself before taking a deep breath and trying again. "I want to get rid of this tattoo, and I was wondering if you would come with me. I know it's stupid, but those things scare me to death and I need you to hold my hand while I get it covered." He breathed out as a tear slid down his cheek and I pulled him too me, holding him as close as I could.

"That's not stupid at all, and of course I would come with you, baby. You should know that." I whispered gently into his ear before pulling back and adding, "Do you know what you want to cover it with?" I was really hoping he didn't want my name to replace it - that thought made me want to hurl. Sam tainted that part of his body and I couldn't reconcile that in my head with my name covering it. As much as I would love my name on his skin, the thought of it after what Sam did, sickened me. He made something special and sweet, horrible and sadistic. It was tainted now.

I wondered even if another tattoo would be good, since it would always be a reminder of what was buried underneath, maybe we could look into laser removal, though I have heard that is pretty painful and time consuming. I planned on doing some research later to see what would be the best options and the least painful. Maybe he has already done the research himself and just not mentioned it. Curiosity got the best of me so I just decided to ask.

"I looked into them all Jake. Laser removal is suppose to be very painful and leave scaring, there is Intense Pulse Light Therapy which is supposed to be less painful and more effect but it still takes a lot of time. I'm ready for this to be gone now and I have been for a long time. The only thing that stopped me is fear. Besides I would rather had another tattoo, that a scar."

"Okay baby, just tell me when and where and I'm there." I said and then kissed him before glancing at the clock and groaning. It was five – thirty and we had to be at Jasper and Alice's in half an hour. Edward followed my eye line after hearing me groan and chuckled.

"Guess it's time to get ready." He said pulling off of me and making his way to the bathroom. "Just let me get showered and changed, love, since you are already ready." He swung his hips seductively as he walked through the bathroom door and left it slightly ajar, causing me to chuckle and wait till the water was running and I heard to shower door close before I followed him in to brush my teeth and hair.

I couldn't help but lean against the counter and watch him through the glass as he washed his hair and body. He turned his head slightly, catching me watching him and I heard him chuckle softly as he ran his hand over his erection, stroking it light. That was all it took, I was out of my clothes and in the shower in seconds, causing Edward to gasp.

I reached around him from behind, a position Edward was still slightly uncomfortable with, but he allowed it, especially when I leaned down and whispered in his ear, "let me help you with that baby." I gently pushed his hand away taking over where he left off. His body slumped against mine, his head laid back on my shoulder as he moaned loudly.

His soapy hands reach back behind him and grabbed hold of my own straining erection, pumping me softly at first, but then picking up speed as I did. I knew we didn't have much time and Alice would be pounding on the door if we were even five minutes late, so this was going to be a quick release.

As we continued to bring each other to climax, the only sounds in the room were the running water of the shower and the moans and heavy breathing of Edward and myself.

After all the tease we had done early it didn't take long for either of us to let go, first Edward spilling over my hand and me following not long after. I had to lean back against the shower wall to steady us both, as my legs tried to give up underneath me from the force of my release.

We quickly dressed and by the time we were ready to leave we had just enough time to make it. As we were walking towards the elevator, I remembered that Edward had yet to tell me what he was going to replace his tattoo with.

"Edward, what did you decide as a replacement for your tattoo?" I asked tilting my head to the side, to look at him. He blushed slightly and turned to face me just as the elevator doors open. We stepped in together and pressed the button to get to Alice's before he turned to look at me again, blush still in place.

"I...well...I did some research into your heritage. Did you know that the Quileute descended from wolves?" He asked. I laughed slightly and nodded.

"Yes, legend has it that a traveling shape shifter came upon a wolf and transformed him into a human being creating the first Quileute. Why?" I asked, wondering what my heritage had to do with his tattoo.

"Wolves are strong protectors, Jacob, and that's how I see you. So I decided to get a wolf so I could carry your courage and strength with me, wherever I go." He smiled softly at me as my eyes began to tear up. I couldn't believe he was doing something so sweet and meaningful. Something that totally negated Sam's vandalism of his body.

Edward reached up and wiped my tears away as I smiled at him. "That...Edward, that is the most amazing, wonderful, romantic thing. I love you." I said before pulling him to me and kissing him passionately.

The elevator doors opened and we pulled apart, stepping out and making our way to Alice and Jasper's door. Edward used his key to get in and as we walked through the house, Edward calling out their names, I couldn't keep the smile off my face.

"Well you look happier." Jasper said, walking up to me and punching my shoulder gently, causing Edward to cringe into me slightly. I held him tight and rubbed my hand up and down his arm in a soothing motion.

Jasper's eyes widened at Edward's reaction and he looked at me quizzical as Edward hid his face in my shoulder. "What's that about buddy?" Jasper asked in a soft voice as he placed a gently hand on Edward's shoulder.

Edward flinched causing Jasper to gasp and step back quickly, the emotions clear on his features. It was the first time that Edward had flinched around Jasper since the first few weeks they had met.

Alice who was standing at Jasper's side wrapped her arms around him trying her best to comfort Jasper, but the hurt was clear, as a single tear slid down his face. He quickly cleared his throat and excused himself.

Edward - who was trembling slightly and had his head still buried into me - took a deep breath and sighed, whispering out a quick "fuck" before pulling back from me.

"I'm so sorry Alice," he started before Alice pulled him into a hug and tried to sooth him.

"It's okay, Edward. You have been through a lot these past few weeks, and with Sam's death it's bound to have an effect."

"But it's Jasper, Alice." Edward sighed again. I continued to rub my hand up and down his arm trying to calm him. I knew Sam's death was hard for him, but I also realized that all of these conflicting emotions where coming from what Esme had done. And it was in that moment I wasn't sure if Edward could get past it.

Jasper had always been Edward's lifeline; he leaned on Jasper for everything. He went to him with all his fears and concerns. He trusted no one more than he did Jazz, and for him to flinch...it would affect both of them.

"Why don't you go speak with him, Edward?" I said gently. He hugged me and kissed me softly on the lips before nodding and making his way to find Jasper.

Once he had left the room, Alice dragged me over to the sofa and pulled me down next to her. "Okay, Jake, what's really going on? I knew what happened would affect Edward but this is something more. Tell me?" _Damn perceptive woman child_, I thought to myself and chuckled internally at the name.

"I have no idea, Alice." There was no way in hell I would ever tell her the truth. "All I know for sure is that since this morning, he has been acting weird. One minute he is happy and content and the next he is flinching and afraid. I'm not sure what to do other than let him come to me when he needs to and be there."

"There has to be more than that, Jake. What about my mom? She always helps him through the rough patches." What could I say to her? _Sorry, Alice, Edward doesn't want to see Esme because she killed Sam._ Yeah, that wouldn't go over well.

"You know Edward better than most, Alice. You know he will go to her when he is ready. We can't force him."

"Well we can ask her about it soon, she will be here with dad in about fifteen minutes. I invited them for dinner, too."

Edward walked into the room with his arm slung around Jasper's shoulder, both of them smiling widely until he heard Alice say Esme and Carlisle were coming. He froze which caused Jasper to look at him with concern.

"What's wrong, bud?" Jasper asked. Edward shook his head as if to clear some thought before looked back at Jazz and smiling slightly.

"Nothing, just had a bit of a flash back is all. I'm fine, Jasper, I promise." Jasper shrugged but the look he gave me told me he knew something wasn't right and he wasn't going to rest until he got to the bottom of it.

I felt a pit form in my stomach. I wasn't good at lying, I really never had been, and this was just starting to become all too much.

Edward made his way over to me, clutching my hand in his. When the doorbell sounded I felt myself tense up just as Edward did.

Esme and Carlisle walked in behind Alice, who had let them in. Edward scooted himself behind me trying to shield himself. Carlisle sighed softly, obviously blaming himself for Edward's reaction.

Edward had never been really comfortable around Carlisle, so everybody else thought the same thing, except for me and Esme. She gave me a sad smile before greeting us both and offering to help Alice in the kitchen.

When we were all seated around the table, conversation flowed freely and easily, and I was surprised considering the tense undertones flooding the room.

Once diner was done, Esme pulled me aside. "Jacob, I'm going to tell everyone what I've done. I can't stand the way this is affecting Edward. Look at him, he is a complete mess. He would be having a hard enough time dealing with how to process Sam's death - the warring emotions must be making him slightly insane - but to add the burden of keeping a secret this big... It's too much."

I couldn't argue with her, even though I wanted too. It was too much for Edward. Revealing this secret was not going to be easy. Esme could go to jail, and I could lose my job and be charged with accessory to murder for not reporting it in the first place. But before I could even complete my thought pattern, Esme called for everyone's attention.

"I have something I need to tell you all." She started. She was just about to open her mouth to continue when Edward screamed and then passed out.


	21. Moving On

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Okay on with the story.**

* * *

Moving On

**EPOV**

Visions of Sam filled my mind. Over and over I relived every moment I had been with him. Every slap, every punch and every kick. All the good, the bad, and the ugly playing like a motion picture on a constant loop in my mind. I couldn't find my way out; I was stuck in the black place. I kept screaming for Jake, Jasper, anyone to save me, to get me away from here, but it was never ending. Over and over and over I relived my old life. Was everything before a dream and this is my reality? Did I imagine Jake, Jasper, Alice and the Cullen's?

I don't think I could survive if that part had been the dream and this had been my reality. Was I still lying on the floor of our old place, Sam holding me too him while I bled internally.

I shifted uncomfortably as high pitched sounds reached my ears. What the fuck just happened? My mind was racing as things slowly started to come back into focus.

Dinner, Jasper, flinching, Esme. Oh no, Esme. She was going to tell them and they would all know that she killed him because of me. They would hate me for it, and what would happen to Esme? Would Jasper turn a blind eye like Jake had? And Jake - would he lose his job? My Fault.

The major problem I was having at the moment was arguing with myself. For so long I had blamed myself for everything, for others actions. When really, I knew deep down that none of this was my fault, other than staying with Sam for as long as I did. It's what the counselor in me would have told any of my clients, and in this bubble I found myself in, the voice's straining to be heard, I finally understood what Jake had been telling me all along. Everyone is responsible for their own actions and those actions have consequences.

The guilt I felt, though, that was something I couldn't shake. If I had never met these people, had never let them into my messed up life, then none of this would be happening now. And the worse part of it all was that I was thankful. I was thankful that I had met them because without them, I wouldn't have Jake.

"He's smiling now? I wonder what's going through his mind?" I recognized the voice of Carlisle as he continued to speak, "It's fascinating, what the human mind is capable of. One minute he is in deep despair, his face twisted in agony, and now he is so serene. Amazing."

"He is amazing." Jake's loving tone filled me and I stirred again, shifting myself towards him. I could feel his presence next to me, and I craved the contact of more than just his hand holding mine. I felt his lips against my forehead and I sighed.

"He's waking up." Alice's excited voice filled the room, the slight shake in it audible to my ears. I could picture her bouncing around in my mind as she tried to get her excitement and fear under control.

"J-ja-ke." My voice was rough even to my own ears, and my throat hurt a lot. It felt like I hadn't used it for a long time. I wondered just exactly how long I'd passed out for this time, and I prayed that is wasn't another mini-coma that I had become so used to having. "How long?" I knew he would understand.

"Just a few hours, baby, but you were screaming up a storm." I blinked as my eyes slowly opened and the light blinded me.

"Screaming?" I asked after Jake had given me a drink of water to help soothe the soreness.

"Yes, baby, you were calling out for me or Jasper to come save you. You were begging Sam to stop and praying that you're new life with us wasn't just a dream. You also talked about guilt and fault, and you finally realized I was right." He said with a smug smile on his lips before he turned serious again. "You also told everyone what Esme did." He whispered in my ear, and I gulped audibly. My eyes searched the room till they landed on Esme. She moved over to my side and grabbed my hand from Jake.

"It's okay, sweetheart, I was planning on telling them anyway. The burden has been too much for you. Look what's happened. You have pulled away from people; you have tried to shut down your emotions, and it's all come bubbling to the surface. The only one to blame for that is me, Edward, and I'm so sorry I put you through that." She sighed softly and frowned.

I felt the tears sting my eyes as all my previous thoughts bombarded me. I had to voice them, but all I could manage to say was, "What's going to happen now?"

Jasper stepped up and placed a hand on Esme's shoulder and then smiled down at me. "Nothing. No body, no evidence, no case. Sam's mother had his body cremated today. It's all just hearsay and we can't make a case on that. So, unless Jake is willing to testify about what he saw, it's over." Jake chuckled slightly, and I could see the relief on his face.

"I didn't see anything. I was walking down the hall and just bumped into Esme, we went to chat and next thing I knew, there were nurses and doctors running around calling Code Blue." Esme squeezed Jake's hand and kissed him on the cheek before turning back to me smiling, though her eyes betrayed her. I saw the sorrow in them.

"I take it you all discussed this while I was sleeping?" I asked, curious as to what I had missed. They all nodded their heads. I didn't know what else to say. It seemed this chapter was behind us and it was time to move forward. I just didn't know how to grieve for someone like Sam.

"Can I have a moment alone with Edward, please?" Jasper's voice cut through my thoughts. Jake turned to me, asking me with his eyes if I was okay with that. I nodded to Jake and everyone left the room.

Jasper came and sat down beside me, reaching out and placing his hand on my shoulder just like he had done many times before. I let his particular brand of comfort wash through me and gave a satisfied sigh. "Now that's the reaction I'm use to." He said with a soft chuckle.

"I'm sorry, Jasper." I said as he brought his hand up behind my neck and massaged it gently, like he always did. I felt so content in that moment; the only thing missing was my Jacob.

"It's okay, buddy, I get it now. So many things you are dealing with and on top of it all a big secret you couldn't share. And the selfish part of me is really glad to have finally gotten to the bottom of it. I knew there was more than you just being tired and trying to deal with Sam's death. It's me, Edward, you don't flinch around me." He frowned at the memory before replacing it with a smile and looking at me. "You're very important to me, Edward, probably more important than you realize. I would do almost anything to keep you safe." He rested his forehead against mine and sighed before pulling me into a hug.

Jake cleared his throat, causing Jasper and I to turn and look at him. Jake's face was twisted into mock jealousy, while Jasper tried really hard to fight a smirk when Jake's voice filled the air.

"I knew it! Alice!" He called, and when she came to his side, he continued, "I knew they had something going on. Didn't I tell you? All those nights he would sleep in Edward's room, all the touches and looks. They have been doing us wrong, Alice. I think we should teach them a lesson and run away together." With his last words we all completely lost it and our laughter filled the room.

I could always count on Jake to break through the tension of any moment. He stalked over to us and pulled Jasper off me before wrapping me up in his arms. "Get your own man, Mister, this one here is spoken for." Jasper grunted slightly.

"Damn it, man, all the good ones are taken." He huffed out before walking back over to Alice. "Guess I will just have to settle for marrying this here woman instead." Alice smacked his arm playfully before turning to me and winking.

"Well maybe Edward and I want to run away together and you two boys will just have to shack up and keep each other company on those cold lonesome nights." I laughed out loud and grabbed hold of Jake really tight.

"Not in this life time, woman child. This man here is all mine." Jake chuckled and kissed me on the cheek before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest. I inhaled deeply and let out a soft moan. My favorite things in the world - Jake's chest and his scent.

"Where are Carlisle and Esme?" I asked as the laughter died down.

"They are in the other room talking." Alice said, "You know, Edward, I don't know about you, but I'm proud of my mom for doing what she did. I was terrified, Edward. I would dream in the hospital that he was coming back to finish the job. I don't know how you deal with it all. I still can't..." she trailed off as small sobs escaped her. I moved myself off of the couch and made my way to her, pulling her into my chest and crushing her too me.

"Shh, it's okay, Alice, I understand. I'm proud of her too; that was never the problem for me. It was more about the guilt that she did something like that to protect me, us. And what would happen to her if she got caught? I love Esme like a mom, and I have already lost my own. I couldn't face losing her, too, not for something like this, not because of me." I broke down, crying softly with Alice as we held each other.

I felt another pair of arms wrap themselves around me, and to my surprise, it wasn't Jake. Esme's scent filled my nose as she hugged both Alice and I. "I'm so sorry I put you through that, Edward, the worry, the fear. I didn't know. I hoped that one day you would see me like a mother, but to actually make you so afraid that you would lose me..." She sobbed quietly with Alice and me. It felt almost cathartic being in the arms of these two women and letting it all go, like it had been earlier with Jacob.

Little pieces of my life were falling into place, and though I knew that it would be a while before I would truly put the past behind me once and for all, I felt hope that I could one day do it. And that was a very profound moment for me.

We stood there for a long time, just crying and holding each other and occasionally whispering words of love and understanding. It was a moment I wanted to stay in forever, but one thing was missing, the one thing that was always missing when he wasn't touching me. Jacob. And sensing what I needed, as he always did, I felt his hand on my back rubbing soothing circles on the skin underneath my shirt. Jasper joined us and then Carlisle followed not long after. I knew the moment he was there because I flinched slightly and heard him sigh, but this time he didn't move away. Instead, he just placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it lightly. It was the first time he held his position and I felt a wave of gratitude for it. I don't know how much time passed before we disentangled and moved back onto the couches. Jasper and Alice curled up together in their usual chair, while Jake and I snuggled down on the sofa and Esme and Carlisle took the love seat, holding each other close.

I yawned and turned my head into Jake to try and hide it, but everyone caught it anyways. The problem was, yes I was really tired after such a draining day, but I wasn't ready to leave yet. So when Jake looked at me with the question in his eyes, I shook my head and mouthed 'not yet' to him. He smiled, pulled me close and kissed my lips. "Whenever you're ready, baby." I smiled back and said thank you before turning back to the others.

"I have some news." I stated and all eyes turned to me, I blushed slightly under the scrutiny but continued on regardless. "Jake and I are officially moving in together." I said with the biggest smile on my face.

"Congratulations," Esme and Carlisle said at the same time, while Alice and Jasper asked, "Don't you two already live together?" Jake chuckled.

"Well not officially, so we have decided that we are going to make it official like and decide where we are going to live, whether it be Edward's place, my place, or we may sell both and buy a new place that is just ours." Jake pulled me tighter as he said the last part. I think he liked the idea of having something that was just _ours_.

"Oh," Alice said, bouncing slightly in Jasper's lap, "Maybe we can go house hunting together? I mean, since Jasper and I are getting married, we are going to need a bigger place for the kids."

"Grandchildren?" Esme's face lit up, just saying the word.

"Eventually, mom." Alice added, but it didn't diminish the light in Esme's eyes.

"And," I added.

"There's more?" Jasper asked.

"Yes. I have decided to get the tattoo on my back covered." I smiled at Jake and squeezed his hand.

"What tattoo?" Alice and Esme asked at the same time. I had forgotten that only Jake and Jasper knew about it. So I stood up and Jake gave me a worried look.

"It's okay, Jake, I can do this now." I said as I pulled up my shirt and lowered my pants so the others could see the mark left on my body.

Esme and Alice's eyes filled with tears as they took in the tattoo on my body, and Carlisle's jaw clenched at the sight of it. I told them the story of how I received it and they all got up and hugged me one by one, even Carlisle who whispered in my ear, "I know it's probably not the worst thing you have been through, and I'm sorry for that, son." I felt a small tear escape me at his words, but held back.

I took my seat next to Jacob again and curled up into his side as I continued. "I'm getting a wolf." Jake kissed me again and smiled brightly.

"I take it this has special meaning?" Jasper said, smiling just as brightly as Jake. So I told them the story of Jake's heritage and how he is my protector and gives me strength to face every day. Also how getting this would be like having a piece of Jake with me always.

"That sounds perfect, Edward." Esme said as she smiled brightly at us both. And it was perfect, just like Jake. I knew he had his faults, just like any other person in the world, but I loved him unconditionally, and he loved me the same way. Jake was perfect for me.

"It is. He is." I replied quietly, and I could feel the blush creep up my cheeks. "So about this wedding?" I asked trying to change the subject.

"Yes." Alice started bouncing again on Jasper's lap and Jasper had to grab her hips to stop her from the constant motion on his most intimate part. A couldn't contain my chuckle at the look on his face, a mixture between lust and pain. She turned around and whispered something in his ear before settling down and continuing on. "Jake, have you thought about being my Maid of Honor?" She asked with a mischievous smile.

Jake grumbled in my ear softly, "God damn it, I'm not wearing a dress," before looking at Alice with a grimace.

"Please, Jake, it would mean so much to me, plus you get to walk down the aisle with Edward." She coaxed. And with those simple words his resolve seemed to crack entirely. He looked at me with a huge smile.

"Fine Alice, but I'm not wearing a dress." He said never taking his eyes off of me. I felt my dick twitch at the look in his eyes, and my mind was filled with images of him filling me and me filling him. I had never topped before, but for the first time in my life I actually wanted to, and I was so glad that Jake had agreed to let us try.

Jake leaned over and chuckled softly in my ear, "As much as I love the noises you make, baby, you may not want to make them in public." It was then I realized that I had moaned out loud and was whimpering slightly. I was slightly mortified, but everyone in the room continued to discuss Alice's wedding plans and ignored my outburst. So, I decided to get my own back on Jake.

I leaned in and whispered back to him, "I can't help it. When you look at me like that, visions of you making love to me and me making love to you fill my head. But for right now, I want to go home and let you try putting me in your mouth like you have been asking to do." It was Jake's turn to moan, and he quickly made our excuses so we could leave.

We hugged everyone goodbye and made arrangements to attend Sunday dinner since we hadn't been able to do it lately. The thought of picking up our old routine made me smile. Jake was shifting from one foot to the other as we made our goodbyes, and Jasper just couldn't help but comment.

"What's got you in such a hurry, Jake?" Jasper asked, nudging him and giving him a knowing smirk. Jake just punched him in the arm, telling him to shut it.

We made our way back to my place quickly, taking the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. We had no sooner made it through my front door when Jake turned and locked it, then picked me up and ran me into the bedroom.

"In a hurry are we?" I chuckled. He just rolled his eyes at me before kissing me soundly, effectively shutting me up. We stripped each other lovingly before he placed me on the bed, laying down on top of me and capturing my lips in his again. I moaned loudly and thrust my already straining erection into his.

He broke free from the kiss panting softly as he continued to kiss down my neck and chest, stopping to linger around my nipples. My back arched up as he moved from one to the other, paying them equal attention, before continuing his journey south.

I moaned as he made his way down my stomach, his tongue following the path of my happy trail, and just when he was where I wanted him most, he veered off and started to kiss down my thighs. I grunted my displeasure at his detour, but it sounded weak as he moved his way up and lavished my balls with his beautiful mouth.

What he did next caused me to jump slightly; he pushed my legs further apart and moved down to my entrance, his tongue making circular motions around the opening. He stopped what he was doing and looked up at me with concern.

"Is this okay?" He asked, "''Cause I can stop if you want."

"No-oo, don't stop. It's just, I've never..." I broke off as I felt the heat of the blush taking over my face.

"No one has ever done this to you before?" He asked, and I shook my head. It felt strange, but oddly wonderful, and I wanted him to continue, but I didn't know how to ask. Luckily, I didn't have to.

"Just tell me to stop if you don't like it." He said and then continued where he left off. My body was responding in ways I never knew it could. It was like a whole new world was opening up to me. His tongue glided over the tight ring of muscle before pushing through softly. I groaned and pushed my ass into his face, a reflex action I couldn't help; it felt so good.

"Mo-or-re, please." I managed to say as he continued to fuck me with his tongue while his hand stroked me in time with his thrusts. He lifted his head up and looked at me.

"Do you like that, baby? Do you want more, or do you want me to take you in my mouth now?" And I was so fucking torn. I wanted both. He noticed the torn look on my face and chuckled softly. "We have all the time in the world, Edward, we can do both. Which way would you like to come first?"

I had no idea. So he continued on where he left off, his hand stroking me while his tongue penetrated my ass, and I was in bliss, rocking my hips shamelessly into his face and making sounds I had never heard come from me before. It wasn't long before I felt my orgasm build to a point that I couldn't hold off any more, and I spilled my seed all over Jake's hand and my stomach.

Jake gave a satisfied smile as he jumped off of the bed and went and got a wash cloth to clean us up. I sighed softly at the love and attention he gave me. The love I felt for this man was all encompassing and I was overjoyed in that moment that I was lucky enough to have him. When he had finished cleaning me up, he curled up next to me and pulled me to him.

"Did you enjoy that, baby?" He chuckled as I rolled my eyes at him.

"Jake?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Do you think, um... Can I... Hell, canItrythatonyou?" I mumbled out quickly. Jake just smiled at me and nodded his head.

"Of course you can, but only if you want too." And, oh boy, I wanted to. I wanted to bring him as much pleasure as he brought me. I kissed Jake passionately on the lips and made my way down his body, enjoying the way his muscles flexed in reaction to my attention.

Unlike Jake, though, I did stop to pay attention to his cock. I wanted to taste him - it was a burning need that I couldn't stop - and my tongue came out and licked the pre-cum off the tip. I moaned at the taste of him and then took him all the way into my mouth, causing the most delicious sounds to come out of his mouth.

"Oh God, Edward, so fucking good." He moaned as I continued to move up and down his length. I released him from my mouth and moved further down, paying attention to his balls before getting to the place I wanted to be. I was unsure about what to do here, but I figured I could mimic Jake's movements because they felt so damn good. Just the thought of it made me hard again.

Jake spread his legs for me giving me perfect access to his beautiful ass, and I took my first tentative lick around his puckered hole. The taste wasn't what I expected; it was salty and tangy, with a hint of bitterness, but it wasn't all that unpleasant. My tongue continued to lick and probe as Jake withered underneath me.

I slowly started to stroke him with my hand, using his own essence as a lubricant, as my tongue penetrated his ass. The noises he was making were driving me wild, and I started to grind my hips into the mattress seeking some kind of friction. It wasn't long till I brought Jake to the edge and he spilled his release onto my hand. With one last lick to his hole, I sat up looking rather pleased with myself. I got off the bed and retrieved the washcloth, taking it to the bathroom to rinse it out and came back to clean him up.

As I curled up beside him, he pulled me into his arms, kissing me on the top of my head and murmuring his gratitude. His words began to slur together and then the only sound that came from him was a soft snore. I chuckled at how adorable he was before I pulled the blankets up and kissed his chest, whispering goodnight and following him into a deep sleep.

* * *

**I have been behind on reviews last update. I apologise to anyone who didn't get a reply. Please know that I read and love every review I get and you guys make me smile with all your kind words. Hopefully I can get all the new reviews answered from now on, but if I miss any in the future, please know that I love reading what you have to say and I do try to answer everyone.**

**Thanks for reading :D**


	22. Meeting the Ex

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader VanPireNZ it's good to have you back bb I've missed you so damn much. Love ya.**

**Okay on with the story.**

* * *

Meeting the Ex

Jake's POV

Waking up, I still felt weightless and utterly content after what Edward and I had done the night before. It reminded me of one of the many fantasies I'd had, and I couldn't contain the smile on my face as he slept next to me, curled tightly into my side.

The smile slipped as I recalled the moment he collapsed at Alice and Jasper's place.

_My heart was in my throat as I saw Edward drop; I was quick enough to catch him, but only just. Carlisle checked him out thoroughly and let us know it was just another panic attack and he would be fine, and with Carlisle there to take care of him, there would be no need to take him into the hospital. _

_We all gathered around Edward as he tossed and turned and screamed out. He sounded terrified and I couldn't break through to him. I felt my eyes well up as I gripped his hand tighter when he screamed out mine and Jasper's names. He was panicked and sweating, his arms and legs were thrashing around as he tried to get away from what I could only imagine to be Sam._

_When he spilled the beans about what Esme had done, the others in the room went suddenly silent. All movement ceased and the only sound - besides Edward - was a small gasp coming from behind me._

"_Mom, what did you do?" Alice's small voice cut through the room. I spun around to look at Esme. Her face was drained of color and she collapsed onto the chair, a small sob escaping her._

"_I..." She looked down at her hands and drew in a deep breath. I moved to her side and took her hand in mine, hoping she could use my strength as her own. She looked up at me with a grateful smile and then continued on. _

_She told them the whole story, from talking to Sam, to injecting his IV, to me catching her. She explained how we told Edward, and his reaction. All of it came tumbling out as everyone sat around her in stoned silence. Jasper - while watching and listening to Esme's explanation - kept close to Edward, holding his hand the whole time._

"_I'm so sorry you had to find out like this. I was going to tell you all because of how it was affecting Edward, but he fainted, and..." Esme stopped talking as Alice ran up and threw her arms around her mother._

"_I'm glad you did it, Mom. I was so terrified he would come back for me and for Edward. I was having horrible nightmares about him." Jasper gasped and moved to Alice's side as I made my way back to my Edward. _

"_Why didn't you ever tell me, Alice?" Jasper asked and kissed her head._

"_You were under enough strain, sweetheart, and I didn't want to add more. God knows what it must have been like for you to see me laying broken on the ground that day. I know if it was reversed, I wouldn't have been able to cope," Alice said, sobbing softly._

"_What do we do now?" Carlisle spoke up for the first time as he unfroze and made his way over to his wife. "I won't let her go to jail for this. I won't lose my wife." He wrapped his arms around Esme and clung to her like it was the last time he would ever see her._

"_I'm so sorry, Carlisle," she whispered as she leaned her head against his shoulder._

"_Shh, it's okay, love." My heart clenched at the term of endearment Edward used on me often. "We will get through this together. I only wish I had the courage to do what you did. To protect our family." He settled his nose into her hair and inhaled, taking comfort from her scent. It was the most intimate display I had ever seen from the Cullens before._

"_Tell me exactly what you saw, Jake?" Jasper asked with a raised eyebrow. I knew what he meant. I knew what he wanted to hear and that was exactly what I was going to give him._

"_Nothing. I was walking down the hall and ran into Esme. She looked a bit shaken, so I took her into a room and we sat down to chat. She was worried about Alice and Edward as any mother would be. Next thing I knew, there was a call for a Code Blue. We didn't think anything of it and continued to talk about Alice's recovery and how Edward was coping with all that had happened. It wasn't until later that we found out Sam was dead. It was a heart attack, probably due to all his prior drug and alcohol abuse." I finished up, looking at everyone in the room with a straight face._

_Esme looked at me and shook her head until I winked at her. She exhaled quickly and was about to say something when Jasper cut in._

"_Sounds like Edward is just having a nightmare; his mind is probably just making things up to help him cope with Sam's death. What was heard in this room stays in this room, are we clear?" Jasper asked, though his tone held authority._

"_Agreed," Carlisle said as he pulled Esme tighter to him._

"_What about Edward?" Esme said, tears sliding down her cheeks._

"_Now that we know what's going on, it will be easier to get through this together," Jasper said before mumbling about how this explained everything about Edward's behavior. _

I was brought out of my musings by Edward rolling on to his back and murmuring in his sleep. God he was beautiful, and the funniest part was that he didn't even have any clue how truly attractive he was.

Our night together flashed through my mind again, and I realized that I never did get to taste him. I really wanted to wake him up by giving him a blow job, but this was Edward and I was sure that he would freak out if I did that.

He mumbled some more before rolling back into my side, and I felt his lips kiss my chest as he threw his leg over mine.

"Morning, baby," I said as I pulled him closer.

"Morning, love." His voice was thick with sleep, but I felt the smile form on his lips against my chest. He buried his face deeper into my skin and inhaled before sighing softly. Edward was slightly obsessed with my chest. He would constantly bury his face there or run his hands up and down it. For some reason it gave him great comfort, though I wasn't completely sure why.

I felt his morning wood press into my hip and chuckled, pulling his head up to capture his lips with my own. "I remember something about me wanting to taste you last night, but I got distracted. How about we pick up where we left off?" I asked, the arousal thick in my tone even to my own ears.

Edward simultaneously groaned and thrust his hips into my side, causing a moan to leave his beautiful plump lips. I smiled and gently rolled him on to his back.

Kissing him passionately before moving my way down his neck, chest and abs, until I reached the Promised Land. I looked up at him through my lashes and licked my lips before poking out my tongue and running it from base to tip.

His hands flew down and laced themselves into my hair, tugging slightly as I encased him in my mouth, running my tongue over the ridges before taking him deep into my throat. His hips bucked up as his grip tightened even more, causing me to moan and thrust into the mattress beneath me.

I raised my hand to Edward's mouth and released him from my own for a second to tell him to lick my hand. He coated my hand in his saliva as I sucked him back into the depths of my throat, swallowing around him.

He moaned out a "fuck" and held my head in place as he thrust in and out of my mouth. I wrapped my now wet hand around myself and stroked in time with Edward's thrusts as he fucked my face. His soft, satin skin felt glorious in my mouth and I moaned around him.

"Oh God, Jake, shit, I'm gonna...fuck...come." He managed to get out in between pants and grunts. I was so close too, but I wanted him to come first. Unfortunately for me, the sound of his voice as his thrusts became erratic was enough to do me in, and I coated my hand and bedding.

Edward followed closely behind me, and it was rather difficult riding through my own orgasm and swallowing down all he gave me at the same time, but I somehow managed. It was his voice, his throaty moans that made it possible.

"What a wake-up call. I could get use to that." Edward's voice was thick and his eyes shone as he rose up on to his elbows to look down at me.

I was busy cleaning myself up and didn't noticed until his gasp brought my eyes up to meet his. "You...you were...while you were...God, that's hot." He said as he continued to look at me, his eyes darkening with every minute that passed. I chuckled and licked my lips, peeking up at him through my lashes with what I could feel was a slight blush taking its place on my face.

The things this boy did to me, and it was all totally innocent on his part. He wasn't used to a thoughtful lover, or someone who got so turned on pleasing him that they had to take matters into their own hands. And it was that innocence that made me fall in love with him, made me want to please him, and one day I would make him see it, too.

He was beyond desirable, and he would know what it was like to be worshiped in every way. I decided the best way to start that was to shower him and then make him a big breakfast.

"Jake?" His voice cut through my musings as I realized I was just staring at him the whole time I was lost in thought.

"Yes, baby?" I replied, moving myself to lie next to him and wrap him in my arms. As usual his head buried itself into my chest and he sighed softly.

"I was wondering if we could go get my tattoo done today?" He sounded hopeful, but I could hear the hidden fear in his voice. "A friend of mine works at a place downtown. He was actually one of the first guys I ever went on a date with. He was so kind to me." I had to hold down the bubbling jealously that was threatening to rise in me at the thought of him dating other people.

"Are you sure you are ready for that?" I asked, concern lacing my voice. I really didn't want him to move too fast.

"After everything I've been through - we've been through - it's time. I'm sick of living with this constant reminder. I want to put everything behind us and move forward. I want to do this for me and for us." I smiled widely at him. Every day, he astounded me more with his strength.

"Sure, baby, if that's what you want. It would be a good idea to go to someone you trust, at least a little."

"I'm not sure if trust is the right word, but I think he would be my best bet. Besides, having you with me will make things so much easier. It's you I trust, Jake." He placed a kiss on my chest and snuggled back into me. My smile was a mile wide at his declaration. He trusted me! I knew he did, and he told me on a few occasions, but to see him put it into practice for something this big, was just awesome.

"How about I get you showered and make you some breakfast? You can call and see if you can get an appointment while I'm cooking. How does that sound?"

"Sounds perfect, love," he said offering me his hand as I pulled myself up, grabbing him and taking him with me.

In the shower I took my time washing his hair and body, showing him my love through touch. He would let out contented sighs every once in a while, and then, to my surprise, he returned the favor. Once we were done I pulled him in to a loving kiss and whispered thank you to him before I turned the water off and we both got out, dried and dressed.

I heard him mumbling softly into the phone, catching snippets of his conversation, hearing words like wolf and cover up before he hung up and made his way back to the kitchen. I was just dishing up the French toast and the bowl of fruit salad I had made as he took his seat at the bench.

"My appointment is at eleven." I looked at the clock to see it was ten and we had to get eating so we could get a move on.

"Where is this place?" I asked trying to calculate how much time we had.

"It's just a few blocks from the clinic. It will only take us fifteen minutes to drive there," he replied before popping a piece of watermelon into him mouth. The juice slid down his jaw, and I couldn't help myself - I leaned over and licked it off. He moaned softly and turned to smile at me, his eyes dancing with amusement and love.

We finished up quickly and washed up, making it out the door at ten-thirty, giving us plenty of time to get there and have a look around at the pictures. Following Edward's directions, I pulled up in front of Inkspirations and was slightly stunned. My ex-boyfriend, Seth, worked here. The look must have shown on my face 'cause Edward turned to me with his eyebrow raised.

"What's wrong, Jake?"

"Nothing, it's just...remember when I was telling you about my ex-boyfriend and how we parted sort of friends?" I asked and when Edward nodded, I continued. "Well, he works here," I ended, watching Edward to gauge his reaction. His brows furrowed in thought before he frowned.

"You're J? Seth's ex-boyfriend?" It was my turn to be completely stunned. I had never mentioned Seth's name to Edward because he had fallen asleep.

"Yes. How do you know Seth?" Seth had been the only person to call me J. It never bothered me, and I found it even more adorable when he admitted one night that the nickname started because he was way too tired after we made love to form the full word. I had chuckled at that.

"Seth was the guy I was telling you about that I had a date with and we decided to just be friends. He was about the only one I still keep in touch with. He was easy to talk to. He used to talk about you a lot. I always wondered why you two broke up. He just said that you drifted apart, realizing that you both were better off as friends because you wanted different things." I sighed softly as I remembered.

"Yeah, that's about the long and short of it - he was a wild child and I was a home body. I was looking to settle down, maybe get married one day and start a family, but he wasn't, so we figured out that we would be better off just parting ways and staying friends. We don't talk often, the occasional email or quick phone call, but I haven't spoken to him in a while," I said shaking my head as I remembered our break-up conversation. It hurt, but not as much as I expected it to. And looking back from where I was now, I was grateful for it, because after laying eyes on Edward for the first time, I knew we would have ended anyway.

"Oh,"was all Edward said before turning to face the front. Then he added, "Do you still have feelings for him?" That one kind of threw me for a loop. Was Edward actually jealous? I placed my hand under his chin and turned him to face me. His eyes were slightly misted over and he wouldn't look me in the eye.

"Edward?" I said, and wouldn't continue till he looked at me. After a minute, he finally looked me in the eye and I continued. "I care about Seth, but only in a friendship kind of way. I didn't know what real love was until I met you. It's only ever been you, Edward, and it will only ever be you. No one could take your place in my heart." He let out a breath and threw his arms around me, hugging me close.

"Thank God. I don't... I can't...I need you, Jake. I love you so much." I kissed his neck and chuckled slightly.

"That's a good thing then, because I need you too, and I love you so much more than I could ever express." He pulled back and smiled at me, placing a chaste kiss on my lips before adding more pressure and deepening it. I threw all my love for him in that kiss and moaned as his tongue found mine.

It was beautiful and reassuring; it was passion and love. It was amazing and I whimpered slightly when he pulled away. It was his turn to chuckle as he placed another quick kiss to my lips.

"Do you still want to do this now, knowing this new bit of information?" I asked, concerned.

"Yes." He nodded his head as he said the word and then added, "I can face anything with you by my side, Jake." I smiled and hugged him one more time before getting out of the car and walking around to open his door. Taking his hand in mine, I closed the door and pushed the button to lock the car, and then I walked us to the front door. I took a deep breath to steady myself and then opened it, holding it for Edward to go through, and I followed behind him.

"Be right with you." I recognized the voice immediately as Seth's.

Edward pulled something out of his pocket and opened it up, smoothing out the paper. I peeked over his shoulder and saw the detailed drawing of a wolf sitting on his hind quarters, howling at a full moon. It was beautiful, and I knew, without a doubt, that it would look stunning against his alabaster skin. I was a little stunned that he had a picture all ready to go and hadn't told me, but I figured he wanted it to be a surprise.

Edward recaptured my hand in his before walking us up to the front desk just as Seth came around the corner to face us. He looked from Edward to me with his mouth hanging slightly open, his face clearly showing his surprise.

I placed a kiss on Edward's cheek, squeezed his hand tightly, and turned my attention back to him.

"Hey, Seth."

* * *

**A/N I wanted to say a huge thank you to all my reviewers, 600+ reviews. You guys are awesome, so of the reviews I have been getting have left me gobsmacked. You all are so kind and sweet. Thank you all so very very much. I would also like to thank the ppl who have alerted my fic and the ones who are just reading it. Thank you all, it means so much to me.**

**OKay thats all for now lol as you were.**


	23. Green Eyed Monster

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader VanPireNZ it's good to have you back bb I've missed you so damn much. Love ya.**

**Okay on with the story**

* * *

Green Eyed Monster

EPOV

Standing at the counter, Jake's hand securely in mine, I felt a tremor run though me. It was the look on Seth's face; it told me everything I needed to know. He was still in love with Jake - my Jake.

I wondered why he never mentioned that he still loved him during our many conversations about him. I knew he was still very fond of him and that he kept the contact sporadic because it hurt him to be around Jake, but I had no idea he was still in love with him.

I narrowed my eyes slightly at him and then turned to look at Jake, trying to gauge his reaction since he always wore his emotions on his face. I breathed out a sigh of relief when he was looking down at me, love shining in his eyes.

He mouthed, "Are you okay?" I just smiled and nodded. I could get through this knowing that Seth's feelings weren't reciprocated. The knowledge that Jake was all mine just added to my courage.

"J?" Seth asked, cutting through our little moment.

"Long time no see." Jake replied, squeezing my hand.

"Yeah." Seth seemed too stunned to come up with anything else to say. He shifted slightly and then moved towards the counter, leaning on it, like he needed the support. He finally looked at me, and it looked like it took effort to drag his eyes away from Jake. "Hey, Edward."

"Hi Seth." I know my voice sounded a little put out, but it was hard to hide just how Seth's ogling of Jake affected me. Jake of course noticed straight away and wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close.

"So, you're going to cover up Edward's old tattoo for him?" This seemed to pull Seth out of whatever internal debate he was having, and a mask slipped onto his face.

"Sure, you brought the picture?" He turned to me and smiled, but it never reached his eyes. I slid the piece of paper across the counter and Seth picked it up. "A wolf huh? I take it this is from the legend?" My brows furrowed in confusion as I looked to Jake. How did he know about the legend?

"Seth is Quileute as well. We grew up on the same reservation." My mouth dropped open as Seth continued.

"Yeah we've know each other all our lives, I had a terrible crush on him growing up, but it took years for me to finally admit it. Took Jake even longer to come around." Seth chuckled slightly, looking fondly at Jake. "I made so many mistakes back then," he muttered, but I caught it and sighed.

There was a part of me that was a little worried he would make this tattoo hurt more than it should out of jealousy, but then I remember it was Seth. He was always so kind and sweet, and he did always wish the best for Jake. That still didn't stop the tremor that ran through my body.

"Alright," Seth shook his head and clapped his hands together, "Let's get down to business. Give me a bit to draw this up and then we will get started. You two want a coffee while ya wait?"

Jake looked at me and I nodded, "Sure, Seth."

"White, two sugars, right Jake?" Seth asked.

Jake nodded his head and added, "Edward takes his white with one." He pulled me tighter to his side and turned to place a kiss on my head. Seth nodded back and turned to walk away, mumbling under his breath.

"Well, that was...awkward," I said, as Jake pulled me over to the chairs and took a seat, pulling me down onto his lap.

"A little I guess, but I'm more worried about how you're doing. You have been shaking a fair bit, baby, you sure everything is okay?" Jake's arms tightened around me as his nose buried itself into my hair. I smiled when a soft sigh escaped him.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just a little...well, umm, Seth used to talk about you. A lot." Jake turned me to face him and raised an eyebrow at me in question.

"What did he say?" Jake's curiosity was evident and I was nervous again. I knew Jake loved me, I really did, but love didn't always mean good things. Seth was such a better option than me. I was broken and Seth was....not.

"Why are you so curious?" I could hear the jealousy lace my tone and I cringed at the sound. This was not a part of myself I liked very much. I never had to worry about jealousy with Sam; I was too busy trying to just get through the next day, so I really wasn't sure how to handle it.

"It's the cop in me, I'm always curious." Jake laughed. "Seriously, Edward, I'm just wondering what he had to say. I would hate to think he said anything that would make you not love me anymore." And there it was, written all over his face. He was truly concerned that something I had heard about him would make me run away. I laughed out loud in my relief and hugged him to me tightly, kissing his neck.

"What a pair we make. I was terrified you would see Seth as a better option than me, and you were worried he said something to make me leave." Jake looked at me, his expression so serious it caused the laughter to catch in my throat. "What?" I asked my voice shaking.

"Edward, I need you to listen to me very closely, okay?" I nodded, my throat too constricted to speak. Was this it? Was this how it was going to end?

"There is nothing, no one, that could ever take me away from you. I love you, more than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life. You. Are. It. For. Me." He punctuated ever word with a kiss to my lips, and I could feel the tears running down my face. "It will always be you Edward, I have told you before and I will tell you again, often. You are the love of my life, my other half, the one thing that completes me. It's you, Edward."

"I love you too, Jake, so very much. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. Sometimes I wonder where I would be if you hadn't come along and slowly, patiently, broken down my walls." I said, kissing him softly and pulling back to rest my head against his shoulder, my face turned towards his neck, breathing in his wonderful scent. The smell that screamed _home _to me.

We just sat there holding each other as I thought back over my life, chuckling to myself when I remember that day in the hospital when I first officiallymet Jake. How my body responded to him, how it knew way before I did that he was the one for me.

The sound of Seth clearing his throat brought me out of my thoughts and I turned my head to look at him. He had a small smile on his face, but I could see the sadness in his eyes. "All set guys," he said.

"Thanks, Seth," Jake replied, and I turned to face him, noticing his eyes were still on me. He was looking at me like I was the most important thing in the world, and my heartbeat picked up as a huge smile took over my face.

I heard Seth sigh and I felt a pang in my chest. Now that I knew Jake was completely mine – even though a huge part of me was still seeing green – I put myself in Seth's place and realized just how hard this must be for him – loving someone you can never have – and I thought what it would be like to be him. To want Jake, to know what it was like to be loved by Jake and to also know that I would never be able to feel that again, and my heart broke a little in that moment for Seth.

"You ready, baby?" Jake asked, pulling me to him. His protective arms wrapped around me as he pulled me up with him when I nodded. He learned down and kissed me before untangling me from his arms and grabbing hold of my hand. "I will be with you the whole time," he whispered in my ear, and then turned to walk us toward Seth.

I squeezed his hand and smiled at him as we walked, following Seth to his section. He had a chair set up beside the table I would be laying on, ready for Jake.

"Okay, so we ready to get started?" Seth asked and I nodded slightly, my body shaking at the thought of someone else seeing the brand Sam had left on me. Seth, through our many conversations, knew that I had come from a bad relationship, but he had no idea exactly what I had been through. Today he would get a look at one of my worse memories. I knew there would be questions; I just hoped that I could get through it, without any flashbacks.

Jake's arms wrapped around me again and I felt just how bad my tremors were as he shook along with me. "Shh, baby, it's okay, you don't have to do this today if you're not ready. I'm here." My tremors slowed as his words reached me and I held onto him, tears sliding down my face, yet again. But this time I didn't feel weak, I just felt sad and afraid.

"Are you okay?" Seth asked, as he placed his hand on my shoulder causing me to flinch severely. He knew I flinched when touched, he had seen it first hand, and even though I could tell from his face that he knew it was caused from my past, he never mentioned it. He quickly apologized as Jake held up a hand to let him know to back off.

"I'm here, baby, you're safe. You know I would never let anyone hurt you. It's okay baby, I've got you." As Jake whispered soothing words into my ear I realized that I was sobbing. Memories played through my mind, and for the first time that day, I wasn't sure I could do this. I was ready, I wanted his mark gone, but I was terrified of that gun.

Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself and inhaled Jake's scent, taking strength from it and his arms, I pushed all thoughts but us out of my mind. I let myself focus on Jake and all the wonderful things we had shared together. All the times I had fallen apart and he had saved me, held me and helped me through them. I managed to pull myself together and mumble out an apology.

"Sorry, I'm ready, just...um...Jake, don't let go please. I need to feel you at all times, okay?" He smiled at me and kissed away my tears before placing one last kiss on my forehead.

"Of course, baby, you know I would never leave your side." His smile was breathtaking, but his eyes held the pain he felt for me; the love and the compassion that was always there shone through like a beacon of hope for me. I smiled at that, at the way he could always calm me and make me forget the bad stuff. I just wasn't sure it would be enough today.

"Do you want me to call Jasper?" Jake asked, "Maybe it might help if you had the both of us here, though I'm sure Alice would want to be here too." He chuckled, but I could hear the slight strain in his voice. I really wanted to do this with just Jake, to show him that he was enough, but I just didn't know if I could. I sighed heavily in defeat and raised my eyes to look at Jake's beautiful face before dropping them again.

He had his phone out before I even said a word. Like he usually did, Jake knew what I needed sometimes even before I did.

"I love you so much," I whispered softly, causing that smile I adored to take over his face as he spoke into the phone.

"Jasper. Hey, we are at Inkspiration, you know where that is?" Jake asked and I could just make out Jasper's reply.

"_Yeah, it's not far from the clinic. What's going on?"_

"Edward wanted to get his tattoo covered today and we are down here doing just that, but I think it would be really good if you could get down here..." Jake didn't have to finish before I heard Jasper's reply.

"_We will be right there." _

Jake flipped the phone shut and smiled at me and then turned to Seth. "Can ya give us about fifteen minutes? I think Edward could use some extra support."

"Sure, that's not a problem." Seth's voice was soft as he answered. When I turned to look at him, his eyes were filled with sadness and compassion as he smiled at me and then gave me a quick wink, "How about we get you set up and ready so that by the time they get here we should be good to go?"

I turned to Jake and hesitated for just a second before placing my hands at the hem of my shirt and pulling it up slowly. I took in a gulp of air as my hands started to tremble when I felt the air hit my back and heard Seth's sharp intake of breath. I was looking at Jake only, taking comfort from his beautiful face. His eye's flashed to Seth's and held a look I had seen often from him, though it was always directed at other people and never at me. It was his warning look, his look that said 'don't you make this harder on him or I will beat the living shit out of you.'

He looked back at me and his face softened. Grabbing my hands, he helped me pull the shirt over my head, taking it from me and folding it before placing it neatly on the bench. Returning to my side, he helped me lay down on my stomach on the table, and then surprised me by kissing my tattoo before taking his seat and grabbing my hand in his.

"You are perfect, Edward. You know that right?" His eyes sparkling as he stared at me, trapping me in his beautiful brown orbs. I made a noise that sounded like a cross between a sigh and a moan, causing him to chuckle at me before leaning down and kissing my lips.

Seth cleared his throat and I turned to look at him just in time to see a ray of emotions wash over his features before a small smile settled on his lips. He then moved forward, looking at me, "I'm going to rub some alcohol over the area of the tattoo, and then I'm going to shave off any hair you have in that area. Then I'm going to wet the area and apply the transfer, once I get it positioned in just the right spot. Then I'm going to add some ointment onto you back to keep the outline in place longer and help the needle slide over your skin easier. Okay, Edward?"

I nodded and turned away from him, my eyes finding Jake's and holding them. He squeezed my hand as I felt Seth apply something cold to my back and then start to shave it. Not that there was much hair there, if any, but it was part of the process. Once he had finished, I felt more coldness, then a towel run over my skin drying it off. Then I felt him move the paper over my back, I guess looking for the best spot to make sure Sam's name was covered.

To my relief, he had not mentioned anything about that tattoo other than the gasp that left him when he first saw it. Once he had found the right spot I felt more coldness, and then paper been pressed down onto my skin.

"Just placing the stencil so the outline is clear in the spot we want it," he said as I felt him pull the paper from its place on my back. Just as the paper had come off, I heard Jasper's voice calling out for us.

"Back here," Jake answered, his eyes never leaving mine. I heard two lots of footsteps coming closer until I heard Jasper again.

"Wow, that is going to look awesome."

"It really does look great, doesn't it?" Alice said before adding, "If it looks that good now, imagine how good it will look when it's done." As she finished I felt Seth rub some lotion of some kind onto the outline.

Jasper came around behind Jake and learned down to catch my eye. "Hey buddy, how ya holding up?" I smiled weakly at him.

My heart started to pound loudly in my chest when Seth said, "Okay, are we ready to start?" I could feel my eyes well up and I had to try and control myself because any tremors would just make Seth's job all that much harder.

Jasper's hand found its way to my shoulder and he squeezed gently before I saw him sit down. Alice was behind him, her hands on the top of the chair. She must have brought it in for him. I closed my eyes and let Jasper and Jake's presence soothe me, and I breathed out a sigh of relief. I felt a small smile take over my lips and my eyes popped open to see all three of them staring at me with gentle smiles.

"I'm ready." I squeaked out, still trying to overcome my fear, but having my family there made it that much easier. I would never have been able to do this without them, and I should have realized that before I even booked the appointment.

Alice moved around to the front of the table with a chair in her hand and placed it down before sitting, and then started to run her fingers through my hair like she always did when I was nervous or scared. And in that moment in time, Jake's hand in mine, Jasper's on my shoulder and Alice stroking my hair, I felt completely safe and secure.

Until the gun started up.

I jumped slightly and squeezed Jake's hand in a death grip that caused a grimace to cross his face. He covered it quickly, but not quick enough and I frowned at causing him pain. I tried with all my might to soften my grip, but I just couldn't. The needle was tracing over my skin and I felt the pain course through me.

The pain wasn't from Seth; it was from long ago memories of Sam's haphazard work. My mind was having a hard time with the sound; it meant pain to me in the past, and at that moment all I could feel was Sam digging the needle into my back and his words echoing through my mind, followed by the mirror smashing over my head.

A loud scream ripped through me and echoed off the walls of the shop. Seth pulled the gun from my skin and shut it off, and it sounded like he was gasping for air. Jake, Jasper and Alice were all standing, their positions defensive as if they were trying to protect me from my memories. Their hands were rubbing soothingly across any patch of skin they could find.

"What did I do?" Seth asked. I could hear the anguish in his voice. "Did I hurt him? Oh God, tell me I didn't hurt him?" Poor Seth sounded devastated, and I looked toward Jake, my mind coming back to the present at the sound of Seth's voice.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm sorry," I kept repeating until I was pulled up into Jake's arms.

"It's okay, baby, you don't have to do this. We can stop now, okay?" I shook my head, knowing that if I stopped now I would never have the nerve to come back and get this done. It was now or never, and I was just going to have to work my way through it.

"What happened?" I heard Seth whisper.

"Sam...I...flashback...Jake...please..." I managed to get out before I buried my head into Jake's chest.

"Do you want me to tell him?" Jake asked and I nodded into his chest. I listened as Jake filled in Seth on how I had acquired the old tattoo and Seth gasped in horror as he listened to what had happened to me.

"Maybe we should just stop for today?" Seth asked. But I shook my head and took some deep cleansing breaths.

"No, I'm ready, just give me a second," I said as I clung tighter to Jake, "It has to be now, or I won't...please, I will be okay, just..." I cut off not sure what else to say.

"How about we take it bit by bit, I can stay as long as you need me to. I will cancel all my other customers, lock up the shop so we aren't disturbed, and we can take it one step at a time."

I breathed out a sigh of relief at Seth's kindness, and Jake buried his face in my hair. I felt his lips move as he said, "Thank you, Seth, we really appreciate this."

"Of course, Jake."

I pulled Jake to me tighter and grabbed hold of his hair, pulling his face to mine for a kiss, drawing courage from him, and then pulled back and jumped back onto the table to try again.

This was going to be a long day.


	24. You Said Yes

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

**Thanks to my prereader VanPireNZ it's good to have you back bb I've missed you so damn much. Love ya.**

**Okay on with the story**

* * *

**You Said Yes**

**Jake's POV**

Seth made calls to his clients and locked up the shop. Lucky for us he was the only one working today, though I had to wonder how much trouble he would get in with his boss for doing this.

"Okay, all set," Seth said as he took his seat beside Edward again.

"Won't you get fired for this?" Alice asked, and I turned to her and smiled for asking the questioned I wanted to know the answer to.

"Well, only if I fire myself," Seth chuckled, "I own the shop. Brought it from the previous owner two years ago."

"Oh," was all I said. I was a little stunned that Seth would take on such responsibility since he was always so carefree. He must have seen the look on my face because he sighed.

"I've changed a lot, Jake. I decided it was time to settle down, find my place and make a real life." He shook his head slightly and then looked down before mumbling, "If only I hadn't been so stupid before."

Edward must have heard as well, 'cause he shuddered and whimpered softly. I stroked his arm and leaned down to kiss him. He was mine and there was no way in hell I was going to let him feel anything but my complete love and devotion. He had been through too much, and now getting this tattoo was wearing on him completely. The last thing he needed to feel was unnecessary jealousy on top of it all.

I would always hold a soft spot for Seth in my heart; we had known each other for too long for me not to. And he was my lover for three years. Back then, I had thought that we would be together forever. But I knew it wasn't meant to be the moment I'd laid eyes on Edward.

As much as I hated to see Seth suffer or in pain, Edward was my world and that would always be so. His feelings came first. I couldn't let anything stand in the way of that. I could still hear the sound of Edward's screams echoing around in my mind. I could feel the determination coming off of him and his need to get this done and get it done now. And as much as I wanted to be enough for him to get through this, instinctively I knew he would need more support than he could get from just me.

I was brought out of my musings by Seth's voice. "Okay Edward, we are going to start again. Now, this time if you feel the slightest bit uneasy, I want you to tell me straight away and we will stop. I don't care if we are here for a week. I will get this done for you, bit by bit if I have to, but I promise you I will get it done."

The compassion in Seth's voice made my heart stutter. Even through his own pain - which he was letting me see clearly in his eyes - he was taking care of Edward, putting him before his own needs. I smiled to myself as I realized that Edward brought this out in people. Anyone that came into contact with him and got to know the real him found the need to protect and comfort him.

Edward truly was a beautiful soul.

He looked up at me, his eyes shining with tears as he pulled my hand to his lips and kissed my palm. "Jake? If I pass out, tell Seth to keep going, please." Edward whispered to me.

"Are you sure, baby?" I asked, even though a part of me hoped he would pass out and sleep through the whole process.

"Yes, it would probably be easier if I did."

Jasper leaned over and kissed Edward's forehead, causing Seth to raise an eyebrow. I chuckled and shook my head. "There he goes again, Alice. Always trying to steal my man." I said, causing everyone to laugh.

"We are all here, Edward, so just don't try and be heroic. If you need a break, you say so. Okay, buddy?" Jasper was watching his eyes, rubbing soothing circles on the back of his neck, an action I knew always calmed Edward.

"I promise, Jazz," Edward replied, his voice just a whisper. He then reached up and grabbed me from the back of my neck and pulled me too him, face to face. "Can you stay just like that please, Jake?"

His voice was full of fear and he looked pleadingly at me. "Of course I can, baby." I smiled and kissed his lips, causing his eyes to flutter close and a soft moan to leave him. I chuckled at his reaction to me. It made me giddy that I could do that to him, especially since he always gave me the same reaction. I felt my pants starting to tighten as his breath ghosted my lips, filling my mouth.

Closing my eyes and shaking my head slightly, I tried to will away the automatic reaction I had to him, but his soft laugh caused my eyes to snap open. "Inappropriate responses at inappropriate times."

I laughed rather loudly at his statement and then drew my attention back to the room. It wasn't uncommon for me to forget where we were at any given time when he was holding my attention like this. "As usual," I said, before adding, "Okay, let's get started before I kick everyone out and take you on the table, or let you take me." Edward, Jasper and Alice laughed loudly at my usual lack of control, but Seth gasped before schooling his expression into a forced smile.

It was then I realized my mistake - Seth knew I was a top, and only a top. He had asked me once if we could switch and I told him no. I didn't have the want or need to try out being a bottom, and I told him; he knew that before we started dating. He said it was fine and never asked again.

Now, I had just declared in front of him that I would bottom for Edward and I mentally slapped myself for it.

When Edward had told me Seth talked about me a lot, I was worried he had said things that would make Edward hate me. You know how exes get sometimes, disgruntled and mouthing off bullshit to make themselves feel better. I should have known better, but what I wasn't prepared for was the look on Edward's face coupled with the look on Seth's when we walked in. It told me all I needed to know. Seth was still in love with me and seeing me with Edward hurt him. I did not want to hurt Seth.

But my love for Edward shone out of me from every pore. I knew it was visible to anyone who looked at us and I was glad for that, but there was no way he wasn't going to be able to see it. I didn't want to add salt to the wound, but it seemed at that moment, I had. I had no verbal filter when Edward was around, and I just couldn't or wouldn't apologize for that.

As I gazed into the eyes of the man I worship, Seth started the gun. Edward shook slightly but was holding it together rather well as he concentrated on me. As the needle touched his skin, he flinched and then took a deep breath. "Kiss me?" He asked, and I was more than happy to do anything to keep him mind occupied.

I brushed my lips against his softly before opening my mouth to him, letting him dominate as his tongue pushed inside. I made sure he didn't get too carried away so he wouldn't shift during his tattoo. He pulled back with a grunt, his face etched in pain, and I reached up and stroked his cheek.

"You okay, baby? What is it?"

"Hurts a little," he whimpered softly, a small tear escaping his eye.

"Do you need me to stop?" Seth asked, pulling the gun away from his skin.

"No, I will be okay. It's bearable." Alice's hand scratched Edward's head, causing him to sigh and lean into her, while Jasper placed his hand on Edward's shoulder, his arm laying over me to get to him.

"Don't even think about it, Jazz. You're not my type." I said causing everyone to chuckle but Edward. I studied him carefully and saw that his face was full of emotion. Pain, sorrow, anguish, love, fear and determination all battled it out before he couldn't hold off any longer and screamed out into the room. Seth pulled away quickly and turned off the gun while I gathered Edward up into my arms.

"What is it, baby?" I was terrified for him as he shook and sobbed in my arms. He was being so brave and trying to fight off his reactions, but it was only intensifying them when they broke through.

"Don't hurt me. Please, no more, no more, I can't take anymore. You're killing me, Sam." Edward whimpered out, his eyes glazed over like he was lost in a nightmare.

"Is that how he got all those scars too?" Seth asked, seeming to know Edward was too far gone to hear his words.

"Yes," Alice answered, "He has been through hell and back. We are so proud of all the progress he has made, but some things just trigger his memories."

"And Sam, your cousin, did this to him?" Seth added and I nodded. "Now I'm glad you never let him get near me when we were growing up. I always wondered why you didn't trust him, but I trusted your instincts. I'm glad I did say no when he hit on me." Seth finished and my eyes snapped to his.

"When exactly did Sam....you know what? Never mind, now is not the time." I finished, my grip tightening on Edward. The tremor that rocked through him when I said Sam's name was enough to cut me off.

"Jake?" Edward whimpered, burrowing his head into my chest.

"I'm here, baby, I'm not going anywhere." I kissed the top of his head and pulled him closer to me. He was where my focus needed to be, not wondering when the hell Sam went after Seth. Seth was fine – safe. Edward had not been so lucky.

"Jake, what happened?" Edward asked, his swollen, red eyes looking up at me. The distress was written all over his face.

"You were lost in a memory..." He started to shake his head wildly, cutting me off.

"No, no, not that. What happened to Seth? You were talking about Sam and Seth, I heard you." Edward drew back from me, his face twisted in sorrow. I went to pull him back to me but he backed away, moving over to Jasper, who wrapped his arms around him and started to whisper in his ear.

I knew he wasn't thinking clearly, his eyes still glazed over slightly like he was caught between a memory and now, but still, the pain that hit my chest from his rejection, was enough to make my legs buckle. I gripped hold of the table to steady myself as a loud whimper left me.

Before I knew it I felt Edward surround me, his scent, his arms, his lips on my neck. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please, Jake, I'm sorry." I spun around and pulled him to me, holding him and burying my face in his hair.

I couldn't speak; my voice was caught behind the thick lump in my throat as I tried to stop it from reaching the surface. The thought of him turning away from me was paralyzing after everything we had been through. I wasn't sure how much more I could take before I broke down.

Trying to be strong for Edward, knowing how much he needed me, I hadn't realized how emotionally exhausted I was from it all up until that point. But I could never left him see that, he had too much to deal with as it was. Jasper caught my eye as I looked over Edward's shoulder, and he nodded his head like he knew exactly what kind of emotional turmoil I was going through. I guess if anyone could understand it would be him and Alice, they had been there from the start.

Alice moved behind me, rubbing her hand gently over my back in a soothing motion and I drew comfort from that, knowing that I had two other people to lean on and help me through this. But right then I needed to pull my shit together for the man I loved.

I swallowed hard, and took a deep breath, "I love you, baby," I said looking down into his beautiful green orbs. He was watching me so closely, shaking like a leaf in a violent storm until I said that, and it was like a light switch went off in his head. He gave me a small smile before placing his lips on mine and talking against them.

"Jake, I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. Can you forgive me?" He whispered against my lips.

"Of course, baby, you know that. And about the Seth thing, he just mentioned that Sam made a move on him, but my telling Seth to keep away from Sam stopped him from getting anywhere near him. That's all. baby."

"So, Sam, he...Seth..." he blew out a breath and continued, "Sam never hurt Seth?"

"God, no!" Seth answered before I could open my mouth, "Jake told me to stay away from Sam. He would warn me constantly when we were growing up that Sam was unstable. Though, after witnessing Sam go after Jake, I kind of figured that out for myself. I was happy when Jake finally got bigger because Sam never touched him again." I turned to look at Seth over my shoulder to find him smiling at me, pride shining in his eyes.

"Sam... he hurt you, Jake?" Edward was crying now, and when I turned to look at him, he face was a mask of horror. His hands clung to my shirt tightly, like he was afraid I was going to fade away.

"I'm fine, Edward. He used to pick on me when we were younger. Nothing to worry about now. How about we take a minute have a drink, maybe something to eat so you can calm down enough to finish what you started, and then later when we are home I can tell you anything you want to know?" He nodded his head but his hands held tighter, so I pulled him around to my side and led him out into the other room.

As we were walking out, I heard Seth's voice, "They live together?" he asked either Jasper or Alice, but I didn't wait around to find out who answered.

Alice followed us out, "How about I go grab some food for all of us? Then we can eat and relax for a while before you get started again." Edward and I both nodded as Jasper came to our sides.

"Hey Jake, how about you go with Alice, just to keep her company?" Jasper said, his voice insistent. There was no way in hell I was going to leave Edward though but as I went to voice my answer I noticed Jasper was having one of his silent conversations with Edward, who pulled away from me slightly and kissed me on the cheek.

"It's a good idea, Jake. I'm sure you could use a break, and besides, you know exactly what I like so I won't have to make any decisions." He chuckled as he said the last part, but it was forced and I was torn. I needed the fresh air and a minute to talk to Alice, but there was just no way that I could pull myself away from him.

"No, Alice knows just as well as I do what Edward likes. There is nothing on this earth that could get me to leave him right now." Edward sighed and snuggled into me and I swear I could hear the relief in that noise. That thought alone made my insides swell and added to my resolve to stay right by his side.

Seth ended up going with Alice - which I thought was a good idea - to give Edward a break from being around my ex-boyfriend which was only causing his emotions to be amplified. It would be good for Seth to have some questions answered. Plus, I knew Alice; she would ask him how he was coping and if he could continue to do this.

"How ya holding up, buddy?" Jasper asked Edward whose only response was to burrow further into my chest and start shaking.

I rubbed his back and whispered words of love and encouragement into his ear and he sighed and looked up, his eyes flicking between Jasper's and mine.

"I didn't think it would be this bad," he said, his tears starting to flow again. "I knew it would be hard, but I don't know why it's so much worse." I could see the gears turning in his head and the frustration on his face at both his lack of finding the right words and his inability to get through this like – as he would call it- a normal person.

"Buddy, it's gotta be one of the hardest things you have ever done, facing one of your biggest fears. Plus, having found out that it's Jake's ex-boyfriend who's doing the work can't help. Don't be so hard on yourself; you are doing so much better than most would in your situation." I was about to scoff at the whole ex-boyfriend thing, knowing I had laid Edward's fears to rest, but one look at the guilt in his eyes told me he was still worried. And that's when everything that happened earlier clicked into place. Sam, Seth, the conversation he overheard bits and pieces of. But I decided to leave it for another time, he had enough to deal with and now wasn't the right time or place to get into that kind of conversation.

I just wasn't sure what else I could do to convince him that I was all his until a light bulb went off in my head. Sure, nothing about this place was right for us to have this conversation, but it was now and never, and he needed to know that I was in this for the long haul once and for all.

"Edward?" He looked up at me and smiled at the look on my face, I'm sure my smile was a mile wide at the thought of what I was going to say.

"Mmm?" Was all he said as he continued to stare into my eyes.

"I was thinking, about how much I love you, and how I can't live without you in my life. And, well, I was wondering," I took a deep breath and then just blurted it out, "Marry me?"

Edward stared at me for a long moment, his eyes bugged wide and his mouth hung open which caused a slight panic to rise in my chest. My brain screamed at me that it was too much too soon. I could hear Jasper whispering behind me about how Alice was gonna be pissed she missed this which caused me to chuckle slightly, easing some of my tension as I waited for Edward to regain his composure.

Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, he threw his arms around my neck, similar to what Alice had done to Jasper, but instead of covering my faces with kisses, he just sobbed out a "yes" in my ear and clung to me. After a moment he started to mumble to himself. "Is this real? Am I dreaming? Did he really… Am I really… Could I be that lucky?"

I laughed out loud at his ramblings, my heart swelling with joy as it sunk in that he had said yes. I stood, picking him up with me and swinging him around the room. "You said yes! You said yes!" I hollered, my excitement getting the best of me. Edward's laugh rang out through the room, causing Jasper to join in at the glorious sound of it.

Alice and Seth chose that moment to walk back in, and Alice stood in front of us. Jasper stood off to the side watching us with a smile as I continued to spin Edward around in my arms.

"And just what the hell is going on in here? What did I miss this time?" Alice said with a pout on her face.

"I asked Edward to marry me and he said yes." The excitement of the moment caused my voice to rise, with each word.

"Oh. My. God! I can't believe I missed that. Do it again, Jake, I want to see the whole thing." I laughed at Alice and shook my head.

"It was a spur of the moment thing, Alice, you had to be here. And it can't and won't be repeated till I get the rings." I smiled at her while she pouted, until she seemed to come up with an alternative.

"Fine, but I wanna be there when you give him the ring," she said, crossing her arms over her chest for emphasis.

"Congratulations," Seth said. He was smiling at me and Edward, and he seemed genuinely happy for us, even though I could see the hint of sadness in his eyes. I also noticed Edwards grip on me tighten at the sound of Seth's voice, but he calmed himself relatively quickly.

"Thanks Seth, that means a lot coming from you," Edward replied, smiling at him.

"Yeah, thanks man," I said reaching out my hand in offering to him. Seth took hold of my hand squeezing it slightly before he shook it. He held on to it a bit longer than necessary which caused Edward to tense up at my side. I pulled my hand back and kissed Edward on the top of the head. "I love you, baby. So damn much, and soon, I get to call you husband." I said causing a beaming smile to take over Edwards face.

God I loved this man.

We sat down and ate while Alice tried to convince us to have a double wedding with her and Jasper. Both Edward and I nixed that idea. Quickly. And in no time at all we were back in the other room, Edward lying on his stomach, his eyes gazing into mine as Seth restarted his tattoo.

It took hours, but Edward only had two more episodes during the whole thing, and I was so damn proud of him. The end result was beautiful, and not a trace of Sam's name could be seen on his skin, though it was rather red and swollen.

After Seth cleaned it up and put a bandage over it, we said our goodbyes and told Seth to keep in touch. He nodded his head and said he would definitely call us to catch up, which surprised me. I was expecting him to say he would see what he could do. Alice must have had a really good talk with him. I would have to ask her about that later.

But right then, I wanted to get my fiancé home and take care of him. Today started out as one of the worst days of my life and ended with me being the happiest man on the planet.


	25. All About Jacob

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

* * *

All about Jacob

EPOV

I woke up not knowing how I had gotten into bed. I remembered leaving the tattoo shop and getting into the car after saying goodbye to Alice, Jasper and Seth, and I remembered talking to Jake about... something, but I didn't remember getting home.

Rolling over to look at the clock, I realized it was morning; a fact that should have been made obvious from the sunlight peaking in through the bedroom curtains. Sighing I rolled over onto my back and winced, sitting up quickly as the memories of yesterday came back with a vengeance.

I felt Jake's arms slip around me just as my body started to tremor, flash after flash of Sam, Seth, the tattoo, the pain, the freak outs, all of it flooded into my mind. A small sob burst forth from me as I felt the bed shift and Jake move behind me, his legs coming around the sides of me and my head fell back onto his shoulder. I turned my head and buried it into his neck, taking in large gulps of air, his scent calming me down.

My mind and body started to relax slowly as his hands ran up and down my arms in a soothing motion. And just when I had pushed it all away another flash came to me and caused another tremor to rock through me, only this one was caused by excitement and happiness, a smile growing on my lips. Jake proposed. I'm getting married. My smile grew larger into the side of his neck and his grip tightened on me.

"We're getting married," I breathed out in a whisper.

"We sure are," Jake said and kissed the top of my head, before adding, "Are you okay baby?"

"Yeah, I just...memories, ya know? But then I remembered we are getting married." I turned to him, smile stretched across my face, his mimicking mine.

"I still can't believe you said yes," he sighed before leaning in and capturing my lips in a chaste kiss. I, of course, wanted more, so I twisted my body around, straddled his hips and reconnected my lips to his, my tongue finding its way into his mouth. His hands roamed my back, steering clear of the tattoo, and that was when I noticed I was wearing two t-shirts and one was glued to a sticky mess on my back. I pulled back from Jake and looked over my shoulder trying to see.

"What the heck?" The last thing I remembered was Seth putting on a bandage so why was I all sticky? My breathing started to pick up as I thought maybe I was bleeding. "Am I bleeding Jake? What h-ha-happ..."

"No, oh, God no, Edward," Jake replied pulling me closer to him, muttering "shit" under his breath.

"No, baby. God, I'm so sorry. You fell asleep in the car and I had to do the aftercare on your tattoo. You didn't even stir during the whole thing, so I knew you were exhausted. I took the bandage off and I smothered you in that balm stuff, then I put on a few t-shirts, like he suggested, so the stuff wouldn't get all over the place. It's just the balm that is making you feel sticky, baby."

I remembered hearing Seth talking about that and felt really stupid for thinking I was bleeding. I rolled my eyes at myself and chuckled at my own idiocy. "Sorry," I mumbled through my chuckles, then shook my head and bit my lip, looking at Jake apologetically.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, baby, I should have explained." He started mumbling to himself again, but I could only make out the words "how," "stupid," "Jake," "get," and "program." I laughed out loud at his ramblings, figuring he was berating himself for being stupid somehow; he always blamed himself for my stupidity. God, I loved him.

A flash of Jake's face, broken and twisted, his legs giving out under him as he gripped the table, flashed through my mind causing breathing to hitch.

"Oh, God, Jake. I'm so sorry about what happened at the tattoo shop. You and Seth… Sam, Oh, God..." I couldn't continue as it all came flashing back. Seth stayed away from Sam because of Jake.

Oh, God. Sam hurt Jake.

I collapsed into Jake's body forcefully causing all the air to be pushed from my lungs, and I couldn't catch my breath. I was gasping, trying so hard to fill my lungs, but I just couldn't get any air in. Then, everything went black.

As I fought through the blackness, I could see figures in front of me, fighting. Sam and Jake's faces kept flashing in and out of view as blood surrounded me. So much blood.

"JAKE!" I sat up as his name came bellowing out of me. My eyes blinking rapidly as I looked around frantically for anything I could use to help him. I had to save him.

I jumped when I felt arms go around me, and I screamed. "JAKE, PLEASE, GOD, NOT JAKE!" I struggled like a maniac against the arms that where encasing me, trying to break free to help Jake.

My mind started to clear and words became clearer as I heard his voice in my ear. "I've got ya, baby. You're safe now. I'm here. Please, baby, please. I'm here."

"Jake?" I slumped backwards and turned my head. Taking in a deep breath, his smell invaded my senses. Jake was holding me.

"Jasper, please, is he okay?" I heard Alice's sobbing voice, cracking on every other word. She sounded terrified. Tears pooled in my eyes and spilled over as I took in shuddering breaths.

"I-I'm..." I took myself to my happy place, taking in deep breaths through my nose and exhaling out of my mouth, repeating the mantra, "Breathe, Edward, breathe." My hands reached down and grabbed hold of Jake's strong arms, and I could feel myself pulling his strength from him and making it my own. With one last deep breath, I raised my head and looked at Alice and Jasper standing at the edge of the bed, Alice wrapped up in Jasper's arms and shaking like a leaf.

It pained me that I had caused her more pain, and the look in Jasper's eyes tore through my chest. I cleared my throat and took another cleansing breath.

"I'm fine. I'm so sorry. Did I...um...pass out?" I looked down at my hands encasing Jake's forearms and sighed. When would this shit be over?

"Yes, baby. You were talking about the tattoo shop, and then you were talking about Sam and me, and then you just... God, Edward. You scared the crap out of me. I love you so much, baby." Jake's voice cracked on the last word and I knew he was crying. They all were, again, because of me. But this time, instead of blaming myself, instead of hating myself for causing pain, I actually felt relief. Relief that there were people in the world who loved me so much, and who cared for my well being enough, that any time I suffered, they suffered with me.

My heart swelled with that fact, and for the first time since my parents died, I actually felt worthy of being loved. That thought alone shocked the hell out of me.

"I love you too, Jake. So much. You have given me my life back. You, Alice and Jasper, along with the other Cullens. You have no idea how much you have helped me. I finally see it now, ya know. What love is supposed to be - what it means. What Sam did to me and how he treated me..." I shook my head rapidly, trying to stop the images of Sam doing those things to Jake. Well, not all of them because, well, they are related...I snorted out loud at that thought. How the hell can I make jokes? I knew in that moment it was because I felt loved, at peace, and finally, something I never thought I would feel again, safe.

"Jake, you make me feel," I paused and turned to look him in the eye. I wanted him to see exactly what I was saying was the God's honest truth, and I knew Jake could read the emotions in my eyes.

"You, Jacob Black, make me feel safe." Jake threw his arms around me and hugged me so tight I thought I was going to snap in half, but I hugged him back just as fiercely, holding on to everything that was him. I truly think they broke the mold when they made him. And all my suffering, all my pain, was worth it in the end because I got to have him. It seemed like an even trade to me.

"Thank you, Edward, thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me," Jake said through his tears. I turned slightly to see Alice and Jasper holding each other, both crying. It was all so surreal, but wonderful. Being surrounded by the people that loved me the most in the world and feeling absolutely safe for the first time since my parents died. I had no real words to communicate exactly how I was feeling.

Alice and Jasper left a few hours later, after Alice made us discuss wedding plans yet again. She always found a way to bring it up in any conversation, no matter how distant it was from the topic at hand. But this time when she brought it up, I felt my own excitement boil up inside me. I was going to be Edward Black.

"Edward Black, or Edward Masen Black, I can't decide." I was thinking out loud again, obviously because Jake threw his arm around my shoulder as he rejoined me on the couch, after showing Alice and Jasper out.

"What about Jacob Masen?" Jake asked, and I was a little blown away that he would take my name. But I couldn't see him as anything other than Black, the name suited him somehow. I couldn't explain it any better than that; I just knew that he should stay a Black and that, for me, taking his name just made me all that much closer to him. So I shook my head, no.

"I want to be a Black and I want you to stay a Black. Okay?" He leaned over and kissed me softly before pulling back and nodding his head.

"Anything for you Edward, you know that." I sighed with content at just being in his arms, and I buried my face in his chest. Breathing in his scent, I whispered, "Home," and placed a kiss on his cloth covered skin.

I was so damned tired again; all the emotional displays were draining me and I was still exhausted from the day before. Jake, of course, sensed it, and before I could say a word, he picked me up and carried me back to bed. Stripping off the clothes I had dressed in during Alice and Jaspers visit, he pulled the covers back and placed me in bed before tucking me in.

"Stay with me?" I asked as Jake went to walk out of the room.

"Of course, baby, just let me go check I locked up properly and turned everything off. I will be right back." He walked over to me, kissing me before leaving the room.

I must have been more exhausted than I thought because the next thing I knew, I was waking up. My back felt all sticky again, but I was wearing new t-shirts. Jake must have cleaned my tattoo again. The thought brought a smile to my face.

Rolling over in bed, I threw my arm and leg over Jake, resting my head on his chest and kissing the bare skin there, earning me moans from him. His chest rumbled lightly under my lips, and his arms came around me and pulled me closer. "Hey baby, did ya have a nice nap?" He asked, leaning down and kissing the top of my head. I sighed and snuggled in closer to him. I loved being wrapped up in his arms.

"Mmhmm," was all I said. I was too content to even form words. I knew we needed to talk, I needed to know about Jake and Sam, but I wanted this moment to last a little bit longer.

I let the contentment wash over me, feeling all of Jake's love and basking in the safety of his arms. Occasionally, I would turn my head and kiss his chest, and he stroked my back and arm. It was a perfect moment in time, one I wanted to freeze forever until I remembered that this was my forever. This was how I would spend every night, and I could be wrapped up in his arms whenever I felt the need. That thought, coupled with being in his arms, gave me the strength I needed to have the conversation I was dreading. But I needed to know.

"Jake?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Tell me about what happened with you and Sam." Jake took in a deep shuddering breath and blew it out slowly. There was no preamble, he just began at the beginning and told me the story of his youth.

"When I was younger, Sam was bigger than me. He used to get pleasure out of making my life miserable. It wasn't so bad when my mother was alive. She would put Sam in his place pretty quick." He chuckled slightly at the memory and my heart broke a little, knowing his mother was no longer with him. He had never spoken much about his parents, so I didn't know his mother had passed.

"She was a great woman. I still miss her terribly, and my father hasn't been the same since. Though he pulled it together for us kids, you can see the sadness in his eyes. Anyway, Sam was a jerk, plain and simple, and I really did hate him. He would hit me with sticks, throw rocks at me and generally torture me."

"Before my mother died, he couldn't physically harm me or my mother would pull him by his ear to his front door and tell his parents to control their son. The next day Sam would appear with a black eye or bruises of some kind. I guess that's how his dad dealt with it. But after my mother was killed..."

"How did she die?" I cut him off, wanting to know more about his family. He smiled at me and kissed my head.

"I will get to that later, okay?" I nodded and he continued. "As I was saying, after my mother was killed, things got bad. My dad was in the hospital and I was being looked after by my sisters. My Aunt, Sam's mom, would come over and look in on us every day and bring us food and that kind of thing. Sam used that as an opportunity to begin what I later called, 'Project Torment Jacob'."

"He would, as I said, hit me with stick, throw stuff at me and generally attack me whenever the occasion struck. I was seven when my mother died, and from that time on, until I turned sixteen, I spent my life trying to avoid him."

"When I turned sixteen, something amazing happened - I grew up." He chuckled and squeezed me to him. "I'd begun working out when I was fourteen, and by the time I was sixteen, I had grown up and out. I was six foot tall and my muscle mass just kept getting bigger. It was then I decided to seek him out." He sighed and took another deep breath. I could hear the sadness in his voice.

"I found him with Seth. He had him cornered at the edge of the cliffs and was running his hands all over Seth's body. Seth was only fifteen and he looked terrified. I had told Seth many a time to keep clear of Sam, and as you know, Seth had witnessed me being beaten by Sam. Seth knew to stay clear, so I knew for sure that Sam had followed him and was trying to... Anyway, I grabbed Sam by the shoulders and pulled him off of Seth. I told Seth to run, but he just stood off to the side frozen in place.

"Sam lunged for me, but the only sound I was aware off was Seth screaming. He sounded terrified. I, of course, was not worried; I had been preparing for this day. I had taken self defense classes, karate and a few other things. And that day I beat Sam to a pulp." I felt Jake shrug his shoulders, as if it was no big deal.

"From that day on, Sam avoided me, Seth and anyone else I was friends with. That's the story of Sam and Jake."

"You skipped over a lot of stuff, Jake." I said, worried as to why, and wondering just how bad the beatings had been.

"Well, you don't need to hear all the gory details. Let's just say that what he did to me was child's play compared to what you went through. Now, do you want to hear about my parents or not?" I knew he was trying to change the subject, and he knew it would work because I wanted to know about his mom and dad more than anything. I wanted that peak into Jake's life. So I nodded my head and waited for him to continue.

"Just after I celebrated my seventh birthday - about three weeks after - my mom and dad were invited to a party at Charlie's house. Charlie was my dad's best friend and the chief of police in a little town off of the reservation. Anyways, my mom was driving because my dad drank too many beers that day, which was always the case whenever he and Charlie got together. On the way home, about ten minutes outside the reservation, a drunk driver in a truck crossed lanes and plowed right into their car. My mom died instantly, my dad was left paralyzed. And every day after, my dad has wished he had been the one driving."

"I'm so sorry, Jake," I said and realized I was crying. My parents had been taken from me in a car accident, but unlike Jake, I had lost both. Jake rubbed his hand up and down my back in soothing motions.

"It was a long time ago, Edward. I've grieved and moved on. Yes, I miss her every day, but she will always be with me in my heart, and my dad and I found a perfect balance and get along great now. He was proud of me for becoming a police officer, and I get out to see him as often as I can. I actually can't wait for you to meet him. He is gonna love you, Edward." I could hear the smile in his voice and my stomach dropped.

I had never met parents before. Sam kept me hidden, and he was the only relationship I'd had. I was terrified that Jake's dad would see me for the damaged soul I was and tell Jake he didn't want him to see me anymore. I felt the shudder run through as Jake soothed me.

"It's okay, baby, you don't have to meet him until you are ready, okay? He already knows about you and is looking forward to it, but he understands it will be on your time."

"He knows...everything?" I felt my breathing quicken as I fought for control.

"Yes, he knows everything, baby. My dad found out most of it from my Aunt and he called me for the details." Jake sighed as I continued to shake and kissed my head, squeezing me tightly to him.

"So...he knows...that...that I'm...a...a freak?" I finally managed to get the words out.

"Edward, you are not a freak. Don't say that. You are the most perfect man in the world. My dad can see how happy you make me. He can tell just from my voice that I am the happiest I have ever been. And he wants to meet the man that does that for me. He is excited to meet you, Edward. And for the record, he thinks you are one of the bravest people for surviving all you have been through."

"Really?" Could he really think like Jake, Jasper, Alice and the Cullens? I truly hoped so, and as I thought more about it, I felt my apprehension slip away.

"Of course," Jake said, and I could hear the happiness in his voice.

The days turned into weeks as we prepared for Alice and Jasper's wedding and started to house hunt. Jake took care of my tattoo, making sure it healed correctly, and life was just falling into place. I was so content that even my regular patients started to notice the difference.

By the third week, my tattoo was completely healed and looked fantastic. Not even I could see any trace of Sam in it, and that alone had me grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Life was moving along perfectly, except for one thing looming in the distance.

Jake and I had grown closer, not just emotionally, but physically too, and I knew it wouldn't be long before I was ready for more than just hand jobs and blow jobs, plus the occasional rimming. Jake was teaching me, opening up a whole new world for me sexually, and I was excited by the prospects of what else he would show me. And I was really excited for the day I would be ready to have intercourse. We had penetrated each other with our fingers, and it was a daunting experience, at least it was at first for me. It was a little for Jake too, when I had managed to push three fingers into him. But the more we 'practiced' the easier it became, and in no time, it was as natural as breathing. Soon, very soon, I was sure I would be ready for making love.

That, though, wasn't what was bothering me. The date that had me all wrapped up in knots was the forthcoming Saturday.

I was going to meet Jake's dad.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry about last week guys, I have been fighting a virus of some kind, and added to some stress I'm dealing with, well... sorry, I will try to keep up the weekly postings but if I miss a week please understand that R/L sometimes gets in the way. Again I want to thank all of you who are reading and reviewing. Over 700 reviews and counting, that is awesome. Also I wanted to let you all know on my fanfic page there is a poll for you all to vote for which outtake from LtLA you want most. So get over there and vote. Thanks again guys you all rock.**


	26. Exchanges

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

* * *

Exchanged

EPOV

I had become more and more agitated as the week progressed. It was Friday and I was on the verge of a semi coma. The prospect of meeting Jake's dad was both exciting and terrifying.

Seth had called a few times during the last few weeks, and we had made arrangements for a dinner, including Alice and Jasper, but had decided to schedule it for after I had met Jake's dad. I was way too keyed up to be able to handle a dinner with Seth _and_ meeting Jake's dad. So, the dinner was tentatively set for the following weekend, on the assumption things went well with Mr. Black.

Alice had become quite close with Seth and had demanded that he be a part of the wedding. They were hanging out together so often that, if it weren't for the fact that Seth was gay, Jasper would have been having anger management issues. As it was, he was put out somewhat.

That was the topic of discussion as Jasper kept me company and tried to stop me from freaking out completely. Jake was working late and Jazz had gotten off work early, leaving Jake to deal with paper work. And since Alice was out with Seth, yet again, he decided to spend some time with me.

"Edward, he seems to have taken your place in occupying my soon to be wife's attention." Jasper pouted, and I rolled my eyes. This was not the first time we'd had this conversation, and I was sure it wouldn't be the last.

"Are you saying you had a problem with the amount of time Alice and I spent together?" I schooled, trying to maintain a hurt look while attempting very hard not to chuckle.

"What? Of course not. You know perfectly well that's not what I meant. Come on, Edward, this is about me, not you. I miss my fiancé. That's all I'm saying." His pout grew to comical proportions and that was all I could take - I burst out laughing. "Nice, Edward. I appreciate that," Jasper scoffed.

"Well, I seem to remember you laughing at me quite a bit as I was discovering my feelings for Jake, so turnabout is fair play don't you think?" I chuckled again at Jasper's petulant attitude; it was always amusing when he got like this, especially since it had never happened before Seth, but he seemed to bring it out in him often.

It was so different for him when it was me and Alice because Jasper and I were just as close as me and Alice, so he never felt left out or neglected. Seth wasn't as comfortable around Jasper and I think it had a lot to do with the fact that Jasper, Jake and I were extremely close, so he wouldn't tolerate any talking about either of us. Whereas Alice would let you get your emotions out without judgment.

"Maybe you just need to get to know him better, make more of an effort. You can start at this dinner we're having." Jasper sighed and moved to sit next to me, throwing his arm over my shoulder.

"I have, buddy." I rolled my eyes at him again, knowing that he hadn't really tried at all.

"Look, Jasper, you making friends with Seth wouldn't mean you were betraying me or Jake. We both like Seth and want him to be happy. I just don't want him to be happy _with_ Jake." It was my turn to get petulant at the thought of Seth still being in love with my fiancé. Though it was hard to stay that way when I thought about the fact Jake was mine and we were getting married. A huge grin spread across my face and Jasper elbowed me in the ribs.

"I know, I know. It's just...look at you Edward. You're smiling, you're finally happy and I just don't want anyone getting in the way of that. And I don't know Seth well enough to know whether he would do something to make you uncomfortable. He seemed like a nice guy, and he was good to you while he was giving you a tattoo. But you know me, buddy, I'm suspicious by nature, and even more so when it comes to you. Who's to say he wasn't being nice to you to score points with Jake?"

I sighed loudly. I couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty because I had thought the same thing in the beginning, before talking about my insecurities with Jake. That was another thing I'd learned lately - to open up to Jake and tell him what I was thinking and feeling. And I have to admit, it really helped, a lot.

Not having to be constantly worried about what I said, was freeing and it was another little reason, surrounded by a million others that made me feel safe and secure with Jake. I could say anything, I didn't have to filter my thoughts at all and Jake would never get mad. Even when I said stupid things without thought, he would just smile and kiss me.

"He's not like that, and even if he was, Jake would never fall for it. He loves me, Jasper; he really loves me, in a way I have never felt before." I swallowed back the lump in my throat and turned to look at Jasper.

"You really have come a long way since meeting him." Jasper pulled me too him and hugged me, "I'm so proud of you Edward."

"I'm kinda proud of me too, Jazz, but it's Jake that makes the difference. I trust him, Jazz. He makes me feel safe and comfortable. I know it sounds stupid and sappy, but he completes me. He lets me be me, no judgments, even when I'm being totally irrational, or completely asinine." I shrugged my shoulders and added, "I love him."

Jasper and I continued to talk until Jake finally came home. In the beginning, when he went back to work, it was really hard on me. Even though I was working too, I was constantly worried about something happening to Jake. Always thinking, what if he got shot? What if something bad happened and he was taken away from me forever? Those thoughts crippled me in the beginning, but Jake put my mind at easy by calling me whenever he had a break.

I knew it was irrational to have to hear his voice all the time to reassure myself, and I had spoken to Alice about it who made me feel better by telling me she felt the exact same way in the beginning. So now I was to the point where, even though I still worried, Jake only needed to contact me if he was going to be late, so I wouldn't worry as much.

As usual, he put me first and took the time to make me feel special and completely loved by calling me during his lunch hour, regardless of me telling him he didn't have to. And he never failed to let me know when he was working overtime, which he was doing a lot of lately. He had taken a lot of time off during the whole Sam thing and he needed to make it up and to store some more time for our honeymoon.

"Next time you get the paperwork, Whitlock, that was a nightmare," Jake said as he walked through the door. He made his way over to me and plonked himself down on the couch, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me chastely on the lips before burying his face in my hair and inhaling deeply. "Ah much better." I chuckled at his behavior. Whenever Jake had a rather bad day, he had taken to burying his nose in my head and inhaling my scent, telling me it calmed and grounded him.

"Glad I could be of service." I smiled as he began to chuckle.

"I can think of better ways for you to be of service," he whispered into my ear before pulling back to admire his handy work of turning my face red. He still loved to make me blush and was still very effective at it.

"And that, my boys, is my cue to leave," Jasper said, laughing as he got up to leave. "Thanks for the chat, Edward, I will take it under advisement."

"Sure ya will." Jasper smiled as I got up to hug him goodbye, "thanks for keeping me company, Jazz, I will talk to you when we get back from seeing Jake's dad." Jake hugged Jasper too, and then we both walked him to the door, saying our goodbyes before making our way back to the couch.

"So, you still nervous about tomorrow, baby?" Jake asked, his voice full of amusement. This was one topic he always found humor in, since he was certain his dad and I would get along like a house on fire. I still wasn't so sure. Even though a lot of my insecurities had been laid to rest by Jake, sometimes it was hard to forget where I had come from.

Sam telling me I was useless and no good was hard to get out of my head when it came to meeting new people I really wanted to impress. And I worried that maybe Sam was right and that Mr. Black would see it too.

"Edward, baby, look at me." I pulled my head up from his chest, having subconsciously laying it there. It was something that I did all the time, a habit I couldn't break. Whenever I was doubting myself, or feeling unworthy, I would automatically go to the place that gave me the most comfort, Jake's chest.

I found solace there; it was my peaceful place that gave me strength. His chest was so solid and strong, and his scent would permeate through my nose, bringing me more comfort than anything else in the world.

"Baby, you know how much I love you, and trust me, my dad is going to love you to. How can anyone who crosses your path not?" I gave him the look; my 'whatever' look, and he shook his head and laughed before taking my face between his big, strong hands and kissing me deeply. I couldn't help but wrap myself around him and pull him closer. Whenever he was near me, I could never get him close enough, but that never stopped me from trying.

I grumbled when he pulled back, briefed by the sudden loss of his wonderful mouth, but he just smiled and pulled me to my feet. "Time to get some dinner, I don't know about you, but I'm starving."

"You are always hungry," I said as he led me to the kitchen to hunt for something to cook for dinner. I had already prepared it earlier. And as we got closer to the kitchen, he looked back and me and smiled.

"You made stew?" I nodded and he pulled me to him, kissing my lips and then the tip of my nose. "My favorite."

"I know, you tell me that every time I make it for you."

"I do, do I? Well that's just because you make it so well and I figure if I keep telling you, you will keep making it." I laughed at his explanation and swatted him on the backside after I pushed him towards the table I had already set.

"Sit. I will dish up." And watched as he did what he was told. We talked about his day and mine as we ate, sitting across from each other. A rule I had made after many a dinner I'd cooked had been wasted due to Mr. Handsy not being able to control himself. Not that I minded, being as I was just as guilty as he was, but it was nice to have the meal I'd prepared actually eaten.

After dinner, Jake sent me to get ready for bed, stating he had a surprise for me. I didn't argue, nor did I ask what the surprise was. I had gotten use to Jake doing this from time to time, and since he had never once disappointed me, I was eager to follow instruction.

I laid out some sleep pants on the bed and made my way to the bathroom, turning the shower on and letting it heat up while I brushed my teeth. Once the shower was ready, I jumped in and set about my routine of washing my hair and soaping myself. I had started looking at my body more in the shower lately, tracing the scars on the front of my body. Each day I would take one scar and remember how I had gotten it, followed by the memory of Jake and his tongue following the line of the scar before places hundreds of kisses over it, telling me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me.

It made the whole ordeal of feeling unworthy or useless, so much easier to deal with. Jake had begun to heal me so much better than any therapy session, though I still attended those from time to time. Esme was still helping me, well we were helping each other, but that's another story.

I was so lost in thought I hadn't heard Jake enter the shower, and I jumped, squealing like a little girl when I felt his arms wrap around me. He chuckled in my ear when my head fell back against his shoulder and smiled into my neck as he placed kisses there. I sighed in contentment, and spun around placing my head in his chest.

"Remembering to forget again baby?" Jake asked. We had talked about how much he had helped me with his loving gestures and how I would spend time going over each scar and try to replace the old memory with the new. He called it my remembering to forget time.

"Yeah, I think it's working really well. I was just looking at this one here," I pointed to the one that ran from my right nipple down to my belly button, it was one of the longest scars I had, and it was extremely ugly in my eyes. "And you know what? I'm having a hard time remembering anything other than last week when you swirled your tongue around it from top to bottom and back up again over and over, placing kisses over it and telling me how beautiful I am."

I still remember how I got that scar, all of them really, but now when I looked at them the memory of how wasn't the first thing that came to mind. And it was a relief to know that I could look at myself again without having a panic attack or blacking out. Jake smiled at me, cupping my face in his hands and leaned in to kiss me. I wound my hands into his hair and pulled him closer, needing him like I needed air.

Before it got to hot and heavy, Jake pulled away and smiled at my pout. "I have a surprise for you, remember? Now let's finish up in here so I can give it to you, shall we?" I smiled and moved like a mad man, finishing up my routine and watching Jake move through his, pouting every time he slowed down.

Finally, when we were both done and dried off, Jake walked me into the bedroom with his hands over my eyes. My body vibrated with my excitement as we got to the bed, and Jake uncovered my eyes. There on the bed was a bouquet of flowers, on the night stand was a bottle of champagne and two glasses, and next to them were a bowl of chocolate dipped strawberries. I turned and kissed him passionately, thanking him. He pulled back from me and looked me in the eyes, his love and devotion to me shining there for anyone to see.

"I'm glad you like it, baby, but this isn't the surprise," With that he leaned over and pulled something out of the drawer, and then got down on one knee. My excitement grew exceptionally as he looked up at me from under his thick lashes and cleared his throat, "Baby, you know how much I love you, how much I need you in my life. You mean more to me than anything or anyone ever has, and I want to spend my forever with you. Edward Masen, will you make me the happiest man on this earth and become my husband? Marry me, Edward."

I dropped to my knees and took his face in my hands, gripping him so tight I was sure I was causing him pain, but if he felt any he never said a word. "Yes, always yes, Jake, always. I love you so much, I would be honored to be your husband, lover, best friend and partner for life," I answered, still unsure where all that came from, but so glad I found the words. There would never be enough words, or the right words to express how I truly felt about him, what he really meant to me, but I would try forever to make him see.

Jake then opened the boxes he had in his hands, both containing identical rings. They had simple, but intricate patterns decorating the circles in the center, which rose up higher than the outside of the band. It was a lovely Celtic design and I fell in love with them the minute my eyes saw them. Just looking at them made me think of him, of us. The way our lives weaved together, even with all the bumps along the way, it made something beautiful.

I smiled up at him, and held out my hand as he pulled my ring from the box and placed it on my finger, then he handed me the other box and held out his hand and I repeated the process, bringing his hand my to lips and kissing the ring when I was done.

Jake pulled me to my feet while kissing me, and placed me gently on the bed, his lips never leaving mine as I pulled him down with me. The feeling of his body pressed against mine did wonderful things to me, and I moaned, my mind running six steps ahead of me, wanting to feel him inside me, to become a part of me, linked together in the most intimate of ways.

"Do you want to make love to me, Edward?" Jake asked as he pulled way, his voice husky. It was not exactly what I was thinking, but it was what I was ready for, I knew that much. I was still a little scared of hurting him, but after all the practice we had been doing, I knew I was ready.

I buried my head in his chest and nodded against it before mumbling, "You have to show me, and tell me if I do anything wrong." I knew I was blushing, I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks as I spoke, but Jake just kissed my head before putting his fingers under my chin and lifting my eyes to his.

"Of course, baby, we will go slowly. Whatever you want."

Jake removed both of our towels and rolled on to his back, pulling me on top of him. He reached into the bedside draw and removed the lube and a condom. We had had many discussions about condoms and the use of them in a committed relationship, and we both decided it would be a good idea to use them until we were both comfortable with each other's bodies completely.

A shiver ran through me as I made my way down his body. I had done this many times before, but knowing that this was it, this was the time that I would take Jake, the first time he had ever let anyone take him this way, was intimidating.

I took him into my mouth and pumped some lube onto my hand at the same time, taking my time to rub my fingers together and warm it up. I gently began to run my fingers over his entrance, circling a few times before adding a finger, pumping it rhythmically in and out of him before adding a second and finally a third.

Jake's moans were encouraging me as I continued to stretch him for me, my hand and mouth moving in complete synchronicity. "I'm ready, baby," Jake said, running his fingers through my hair and smiling down at me. I gulped nervously, before sitting back on my heals and taking the condom in my hand, opening the wrapper and placing it on myself. It took me a few go's to get it right, having never worn one before, but Jake was as patient as always.

With a steady breath, I moved forward and placed my head at his entrance before looking up at Jake, sure my nerves were clear on my face and asked, "Ready?" He smiled, running his hands up and down my arms before taking a deep breath and nodding. With that, I pushed my head through his tight ring of muscle, my eyes never leaving his face.

Jake blew out a large breath, his face pulled into a grimace as he tried to get his breathing under control. I waited until he opened his eyes and nodded again, letting out another breath as I pushed forward a little more. It went on like this, slowly but surely, until I was fully seated within him.

We were both shaking by this time, and I wasn't sure either of us was enjoying it all that much. But we pushed through it, and Jake bucked his hips letting me know he was ready. We moved together easily as my hand reached down between us and took hold of Jake's cock, which was almost flaccid after the initial breach. It slowly came back to life as I timed my thrusts with my strokes, and we both moaned as we made love.

I tried to find his sweet spot and angled my hips slightly, varying my position until I heard the telltale signs that I had finally hit it. Jake's hands moved down to my ass and he pulled me into him harder and faster. "Oh shit, Edward, right there baby, God damn." He breathed out as his hips jumped off the bed to meet each of my thrusts.

It wasn't long until we both came undone and Jake spilled out across his chest, while I filled the condom inside of him.

I pulled out of him and tried to remember what to do now, but Jake just moved me to the side of him and got up, returning later with a wash cloth and gently wiped down my cock, cleaning me up. He had already taken care of himself in the bathroom. When he crawled back into bed I had to chuckle as I moved my head to his chest.

"Isn't that supposed to be my job?" Jake just laughed.

"I guess old habits are hard to break, baby, I'm sorry, I'm just so use to being the one who takes care of that stuff." I had noticed when Jake was walking back to me he had a bit of a limp and I bit my lip, afraid I had hurt him.

"Jake?"

"Mmmm?" His eyes were closed and he had a small smile on his face. I kissed his chest and snuggled in deeper to him before asking him.

"Did I hurt you? I saw you limp?" He chuckled.

"No, baby, I'm a little sore, but that's to be expected. Besides, you're not exactly little in that department."

"Look who's talking," I replied, laughing along with him. I knew I was well taken care of in that area, but Jake was a big boy. I don't think I had ever seen anyone that big before.

"So, how was it for you, baby?" Jake asked, and I took a moment to think about it before answering, deciding it was best to be honest.

"Umm, well, it was good and all, but I don't think it's something I want to do a lot. Maybe just on special occasions. I think I would much prefer being on the bottom." I could feel my face heat up at my statement, but it was the truth, as much as I loved being inside of Jake, and I did love it, it just wasn't the same. I had a burning need for him to take over, I loved that Jake was such a big man. He was so dominate in his appearance and it turned me on to no end. It just felt weird and kind of wrong being on top of him in that way. I couldn't really explain it well, or right, even to myself, I just knew that I wanted Jake to take me.

Jake breathed out a sigh that sounded like relief. And I had to chuckle at that, "You too, huh?" I said finally looking up at him.

"Yeah, I didn't mind it, and I mean when you hit that spot, I saw stars and all, but..." he trailed off and I hugged him tighter.

"I know what you mean, baby, we like what we like. I guess it wasn't bad for both of us being our first time in different roles and all, but..." I trailed off too. There wasn't that much more to say. Jake was a top, I was a bottom, simple as that. And though I was sure we would switch again from time to time, I was comfortable with the fact that I wanted Jake to fill me instead of the other way around, most of the time.

"Jake?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Do you want to make love to me?" Jake sputtered and coughed a bit, and then tried to get himself back under control,

"Now?" He asked, his brows furrowed together. I stared up at him from my spot on his chest, my chin resting against my hands.

"If you're up for it?" I smirked at him as he eyes clouded over and his dick twitched under my leg. I was unsure where this confidence came from. Maybe it was the fact that we were now wearing rings, or the fact that he had giving himself to me so freely even though it was not something he had ever done before. Or maybe it was just the fact that I finally had someone I truly loved and trusted in my life. But for whatever reason, Jake made loved to me, and it was passionate and raw and truly one of the most wonderful moments of my life.

There were no flashbacks as he entered me, there was no pain but for the initial burn. Everything was perfect and wonderful. Jake was an excellent lover, and very attentive, just like he was with everything concerning me.

The best thing about the way he made love to me was the fact that I came undone without him or I ever touching my cock. It was beautiful and magical and I saw the universe explode with color behind my closed eyes as I came harder than I had ever come before.

We fell asleep that night wrapped in each other's arms, truly satisfied. He wore me out so much I didn't even think about what the next day would hold as I drifted off into one of the best sleeps I had ever had. Dreaming of Jake, taking me over and over again.

Jake woke me up a little after nine with loving kisses to my neck and back as he lay spooning me. I smiled as I felt his hardness push against my ass every so often, and I pushed back into him moaning. Until I remembered that we were going to meet his dad in just a few hours.

I must have started to tremble because Jake was holding me close and telling me how much he loved me.

"I've got ya, baby, it's okay. Do you want me to take your mind of it?" His asked his voice dropping a few octaves, lust filling it.

And he did just that, making love to me again before picking me up like I was precious china and carrying me to the shower. He washed me lovingly his hands never leaving my skin unless he was picking something up or putting it down. Then he dried and dressed me, again carrying me to the kitchen and making me breakfast.

If this was how he was going to react every time we made love, I think we will have to do it more often; I thought to myself and chuckled.

"What's got you laughing, beautiful?" Jake asked, and when I told him he threw his head back and laughed loudly before moving to me and kissing my neck. " I like the way you think."

It wasn't long before we were on the road, and before I knew it, we had pulled up outside Jake's dad's house. My stomach was a knot of nerves as Jake came around and opened the car door for me. I smiled up at him and got out of the car, my knees shaking slightly as I tried to stand. Jake wrapped his arms around me, leaning into me, licking my ear before whispering, "Everything is going to be fine, baby, I promise you. He will love you." But that wasn't what I was worried about as I looked around the place we were standing.

This was the place I used to live. Sam's house was only a few streets away. It was all so familiar, and I shuddered again before the realization dawned on Jake. "Oh, God, Edward, I didn't think. I'm so sorry, baby." He said gripping me tighter and leading me to his father's door. I don't remember getting to the door or his father opening it.

"What's wrong with him, son?"

"Dad, I didn't think. Sam, he.. The memories..God, please, dad, can you call Carlisle?"

Was all I heard before everything went black.

* * *

**A/N Sorry this is late, next chapter is already with Beta's...things will be a bit slow for a while, I'm in the middle of organising a move, so for the rest of the month it might take longer than normal for chapters to get out.**


	27. Dream Catcher

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah, dizzygirl28 and Beate73. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

* * *

Dream Catcher

Jake's POV

Making love to Edward had left me completely satisfied. The feeling of being buried inside him was intoxicating and more wonderful than I had ever dreamed.

When he made love to me, it was painful and utterly uncomfortable to begin with, but I was soon able to relax and enjoy the experience. It's not something I would want to do often, but for Edward, every now and then I could live with it.

The only thing I knew for certain was that I was definitely a top, and as much as I loved having my prostate stimulated, I was not a huge fan of a dick in my ass. I was completely grateful that Edward preferred to bottom and over the moon when he allowed me to make love to him last night and again this morning.

My day had started out beautifully. I had taken care of Edward and we were on our way to my dad's house. Edward was quiet next to me, his nerves almost a living entity in the car, surrounding us completely and putting me on edge a little. But I covered as best I could, chuckling every now and then when I thought about how much my dad would love Edward and how much Edward was worried over nothing.

Pulling up outside my dad's place and opening the door for Edward, I was a little surprised by his reaction, so I held him to me and licked his ear while telling him it would all be fine. And I thought it was until I watched his eyes sweep over the reservation, and then it dawned on me.

Edward used to live here with Sam. Oh, God, how could I be so stupid. I managed to get him to my dad's front door and picked him up, carrying him into the small living space and pleading with my dad to call Carlisle. I was internally kicking my own ass for being so stupid. How could I have not realized this?

Anything would have been better than this; meeting somewhere for lunch, having my dad come to our place - anything. _Stupid Jake, really fucking stupid,_ I thought to myself while cradling Edward who had passed out and was muttering under his breath.

My dad's voice brought me out of my self flagellation, "Jake, Carlisle is on his way. He said he would bring Esme and is going to call Jasper and Alice as well." He moved closer to me and placed a hand on my shoulder as best he could from his position in his chair. "Son, is he going to be okay?" I could hear the concern laced in my dad's voice, and his eyes held sorrow as they looked over Edward who was continuing to mutter in his sleep.

"Shit, dad, he has been through so much lately. What, with Sam finding him and then Sam's death. Getting that awful tattoo Sam marked him with covered on his back. He was making strides, dad. We were working so hard, and he was really moving forward. He even started his 'remember to forget' routine, where we would replace his old nightmares with good memories." I took a deep breath and sighed, pulling Edward closer to me.

"Dad, the things he has been through… I don't even know all of them, but what I do know," I shook my head trying to dislodge the visuals and calm down enough to continue. "His body is a road map of scars, dad. Of memories that Sam left behind. How he survived that and still remains such a caring, tender and loving soul is beyond me. But dad, he is. He is so wonderful." I choked up on the last bit as Edward began to thrash slightly. I squeezed him tighter to me and he relaxed a fraction.

"He's lucky to have you, son." I shook my head at my dad's words.

"No, I'm lucky to have him. So damn lucky that he was able to accept me, even with my resemblance to Sam."

"Son, you may look similar to Sam, but that's where it ends. You are a good man; you are a kind, loving man and anyone would be lucky to have you." My dad smiled at me and patted me on the back just as someone knocked on the door.

My dad rolled away to open the door, and I heard Carlisle and my dad talking in low whispers as Esme poked her head around the corner.

"Oh, Edward." She moved over to us and knelt down, running her fingers through his hair. A small sob escaped her as she tried to get herself under control. I got up gently with Edward and then turned and placed him on the couch, covering him with a blanket and then pulled Esme to me.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't think. I should have realized that this place would be too much for him."

"Hush Jake, it's not your fault. Edward knew your dad lived out here and he didn't say anything either. I think you were both so wrapped up in the thoughts of Edward meeting your dad that neither of you thought about it. Don't blame yourself. Edward would be very upset if you did that, and then he would only start blaming himself. You get the idea, vicious circle and all that." She smiled slightly before looking back down at Edward.

Carlisle came into the room then and checked Edward's vitals, before turning to us, "he's fine, I guess it was just too much, with all he has been through..." Carlisle didn't get to finish because Edward started to scream. It was blood curdling, and it sent shivers down my spine.

"No more, please no more. Just kill me, I can't take anymore. Please Sam, no more." His voice was a broken whimper, as he thrashed about on the small couch. A part of my mind was worried he was going to fall off. Another scream ripped itself from him, and as Alice and Jasper bound into the room, Edward sat up.

He looked around, blinking frantically, his hand squeezing mine so tight I was losing circulation, before he realized where he was and that he had an audience. He whimpered slightly and threw himself into me, his face burying itself into my chest as he sobbed and berated himself for his behavior.

"Oh, God, shit, shit, shit. What a way to make a first impression, Edward. Stupid, stupid, stupid." I rubbed my hand up and down his back and tried to sooth him as best I could as he tried to get himself under control.

"It's okay, baby. Shh, I've got you. I'm so sorry, Edward. I should have realized." He squeezed me tighter still in response to my apology and shook his head slightly against my chest.

"No, Jake. I was just so damn happy with all the progress we made and with, well, you know, that it didn't even occur to me. I was so stupid..."

"I guess we both got too wrapped up in each other to remember anything." He chuckled slightly at my comment, and I kissed the top of his head.

"I'm sorry, Jake. I wanted this to go so well, and now look, your dad is going to think I'm a huge freak." he whimpered, shaking slightly. I turned my head at the sound of my dad's voice.

"I think no such thing, Edward. I've been looking forward to meeting the man that has my Jacob smiling so much. It is a pleasure to meet you." Edward had pulled back from me and was looking at my father, his face slowly breaking out into a small, shy grin at my dad's words.

"T-thank y-you sir," Edward managed to stutter out, causing my dad to chuckle slightly at the term sir.

"Please, son, call me Billy. After all, you are going to be my son-in-law one day, and by then, I hope you will be comfortable enough to call me dad." My dad smiled at Edward, causing a huge smile to take its place on Edward's face as well.

"One step at a time, Billy," Esme smiled at him, "After all, it took him five years to call me mom." Edward looked down sheepishly, while my dad chuckled along with Esme.

"How about we go get some drinks for everyone?" Esme said. Billy agreed and led Carlisle and Esme to the kitchen, while Jasper and Alice moved closer to us. Jasper placed a hand on Edward's shoulder, causing Edward to look at him.

"How you doing, buddy?" Jasper asked and Edward just sighed.

"I sure made a mess of this, Jazz."

"No you didn't, buddy. Considering where we are, I think you did really well." Jasper smiled at Edward, trying to eliminate his anxiety, but it wasn't working so well. At least, it wasn't until Alice spoke up.

"Edward do you remember how I first met Jasper's parents?" Edward turned to her and scrunched his eyebrows together, and then he burst out laughing.

"Oh, God, Alice," he chuckled out, "You and Jasper were..." Jasper clamped his hand over Edward's mouth, causing everyone to laugh out loud. I remember hearing this story about a year after I had started working with Jasper. They had invited Jasper's parents over for dinner, and Jasper had left the door unlocked. I guess they were too busy to hear his parents knock, and Alice was mortified when his mother and father cleared their throats at the sight of Alice and Jasper going at it on the sofa.

Talk about mortifying.

"You see, Edward," Alice said, "There are more embarrassing ways to meet the folks of your boyfriend." Trust Alice to know the right thing to say.

"Thank you Alice," I said giving her a one armed hug, since my other was firmly around Edward.

"You're welcome," Alice beamed.

"Well, now that we have relived one of my most mortifying moments, are you feeling better now Edward?" Jasper asked, his face still tinged a slight pink.

"I think I am, Jazz. Thanks Alice. God, Jake, could you imagine..?" Edward was still laughing at the thought.

"Okay, okay, let's just drop it now shall we," Jasper said, blushing even more. Edward became quiet when the others came back into the room, and his grip tightened on me. He was still smiling, but his nerves were back. He cleared his throat and looked at me before turning back to face my father.

"I'm sorry about that, Mr...um...Billy. I hope you can forgive my outburst," Edward's voice was soft, but he looked my father in the eye the whole time. I was really proud of him for that, but I didn't see any reason for him to apologize. It seemed my dad agreed with me.

"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for Edward. So how about we put the whole thing behind us and get to know one another? I feel like I know you already just by how much Jake talks about you. Once he starts, you can't get him to shut up." My dad smiled widely at Edward and me, the humor shining in his eyes.

"Thanks for that, dad." I said, pushing my nose into Edward's hair.

"Just keeping it real, son." That caused Edward to laugh and everyone else followed suit.

We had lunch and the others left not long after, so we spent the rest of the day with my dad, allowing him and Edward to get to know each other better. They really did get along famously, and at one point I was half convinced my dad wanted to trade me in for Edward.

"No need," my dad responded, "I get to keep Edward anyway, since you are marrying him. Two for one, it's a good deal if you ask me. I'm even more over the moon he is going to become a Black, makes him all the more part of the family." Edward beamed at that, he was so happy my dad had accepted him.

We were getting ready to leave and my dad told us to wait a second, he left the room and then came back with the dream catcher my grandfather had made. It was an important piece of Black family history and I was shocked when my father handed it over to Edward.

"Son, I want you to keep this. It chases bad dreams away and brings good luck to the owner. My father made it for me when I was a child, and I used it for Jake when he was younger. Now I want you to have it so that one day you can pass it down to your children, if you decide to have them." What Edward did next shocked us both; he leaned down and wrapped his arms around my father.

"Thank you, Billy. You have no idea how much this means to me," he said. My father had tears in his eyes and tried to wipe them away without us noticing. He failed miserably.

"I'm sorry for everything you had to suffer, Edward, and I'm even sorrier it was a member of my family that caused you so much pain. I'm just glad that you can see past that and see my son for the wonderful man he is. Welcome to the family, Edward." Again Edward wrapped my father into a hug and this time both of them were sobbing openly. My dad's eyes were full of sorrow for all Edward had endured and pride that he had survived.

"Thank you so much. For everything." Edward said, his eyes seeking out mine. We said our goodbyes and made arrangements to spend more time with my dad at our place, just to make things easier on Edward. He'd calmed down during the day, but as we made our way to the car, he started to shake again.

My dad gave me a knowing look as he sat in the doorway watching us leave. I wrapped my arms around Edward and told him not to look, so he kept his head buried in my chest as I lead him to the car and got him inside it. He kept his head down the whole way until we made it out onto the highway, and then he sighed in relief.

He was silent for a long time, and it wasn't until I was pulling up outside the apartment that he started to speak, "I really enjoyed meeting your dad, Jake. I can't wait to spend more time with him." He was playing with the dream catcher, running the feathers between his fingers. A small smile played on his lips. "Children," he breathed out in a whisper causing my heart to soar.

"You want to have children some day, Edward?" I asked, knowing full well that I really did want to start a family with him. He looked at me for a second, scanning my face before dropping his eyes back to the dream catcher in his hand.

"Yes, I really would, but I'm a little afraid. What if I'm a terrible father? What if I have a panic attack and something happens to them? I really want to be a parent, but I don't know if I can be." He sighed and a tear rolled down his cheek. I parked the car and climbed out, moving around to his side and opening the door for him.

Pulling him into my arms, I held him tightly and kissed his head. "The reason you would make a great father, Edward, is because you worry about these things. Besides, we have plenty of time, and you are doing so well. Look at all you have accomplished in such a short time." He sighed and pulled back to look at me.

"Jake, it's you. You have to know that. For five years I lived in limbo, afraid of getting out in the world, but then you came along, and in a few short months, you changed my life. You gave me hope and love, and you showed me what it's like to live again. I think I can face anything with you by my side." I swallowed the lump in my throat and pulled him to me, kissing him with everything I had.

It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me, and it meant all the more because it came from the man I loved. The man who loved me.

We somehow made our way to the front door and broke apart long enough to open it, only to reconnect once I had closed and locked the door. Moving through the apartment towards the bedroom, we bumped into walls and furniture along the way, leaving a trail of clothing behind us.

"I love you so much, Edward," I said when he removed his lips from mine and started to lavish attention on my neck.

"I love you too, Jake. More than words can say." His legs hit the back of the bed, and I removed his final piece of clothing before letting him tumble onto the mattress. Removing my boxers, I climbed over the top of him and recaptured his lips. We kissed for what seemed like a lifetime before Edward pulled back from me, taking my face in his hands and looking me dead in the eye.

"Jake, love, fuck me." My stomach dropped as butterflies took flight. We had only made love twice, and I was nervous as hell about that, so to have him ask me to fuck him… Yeah, I was terrified.

"Are you sure, baby? I mean..." I couldn't finish. I had no idea what to say.

"I'm sure, Jake," Edward said, and then he pushed me up, turning over onto his hands and knees and presenting his beautiful ass to me while smiling coyly over his shoulder. My breathing hitched at the sight of him - his tattoo standing out against his alabaster skin, his wild hair in disarray, and his eyes, so dark with lust that it was hard to breath.

I leaned down and kissed his tattoo before running my tongue over it, causing Edward to moan. It was an intoxicating sound, raw and primal. Not like the sounds he was making when we made love. Those were sweet and serene.

I moved down his body, running my tongue over his ass into his crack, searching out his entrance. My hands caressed his cheeks before pulling them apart for me so I could dive in. I ran my tongue around the outside before pushing it inside him. He moaned, a slight growl coming from his chest, and he pushed his ass forcefully back into my face.

I smiled around him, my tongue flicking inside of him before pulling out and repeating the process.

"Oh, God, Jake, I love it when you fuck my ass with your tongue." Just hearing Edward talk like that - my sweet, shy boy talking so dirty - I moaned loudly and almost came on the spot. I pulled away from him and he whimpered at the loss.

"Fuck, Edward, I almost came hearing you talk like that." He turned his head to look at me over his shoulder and I saw the beautiful flush of his cheeks which told me he was embarrassed by his own mouth, and I realized that's probably why he wanted to be facing away from me. I chuckled at the look on his face before diving back in to where I had left off.

Edward moaned loudly as my tongue penetrated him again and again, my hands pulling his ass cheeks apart as wide as I could to give me better access. My eyes were closed as I lost myself in the bliss of him, but then snapped open at the sounds of Edward's voice.

"Oh, fuck… Jake, can't hold on...shit...coming..." He shuddered and clenched around my tongue as I continued to move it in and out of his beautiful ass. The sounds he was making were guttural, and his head was thrashing back and forward causing his ass to shake. Eventually he collapsed onto his stomach, panting heavily, and I crawled up the bed to him, wrapping him in my arms.

"Jake, that was amazing," Edward sighed breathlessly.

"Not as amazing as you, baby. What did you do with my shy Edward? Not that I'm complaining. I could get used to you talking like that," I chuckled as Edward ducked his head into my chest.

"I-I don't k-know, Jake. I just...you bring out things in me; feelings I never knew I had. You make me feel more confident, and you make me feel sexy." He burrowed deeper into my chest and I could feel the heat radiating from his face. I stroked his back and kissed his head, chuckling in his hair, all the tension of the day having faded from my body.

"I'm so happy I make you feel that way, baby, and I plan on continuing to make you feel that way for the rest of your life." He looked up at me, his beautiful smile taking over his face, transforming his features. "God, you are so beautiful," I said, leaning in to capture his lips. I felt his cock stir against my hip and moaned into his mouth.

"Jake?" He pulled away from me to look at me again, "Will you fuck me now?" His lips were quirked into a delicious smirk causing my cock to twitch almost violently, begging me to bury it inside of Edward's warmth.

"God, that's sexy, baby. I really could get used to you talking to me like that. How do you want it, baby? Tell me what you want and where you want me." I wanted him to keep talking like that because it was damn sexy, but most of all I wanted him to feel confident and strong.

Edward got a twinkle in his eye. It was a look I knew well - he was planning something. And to my surprise, he rolled me over and straddled my lap, then he leaned over me and reached for the drawer, pulling out the items we needed.

He leaned forward and prepared himself for me, causing my eyes to bug out of my head and my breathing to become so shallow that I thought I might pass out. He chuckled at the look on my face before sheathing me in the condom and lubing me up. Then he used one hand to balance himself on my shoulder as the other reached down between us and guided my cock to his entrance.

When he lowered himself onto me, his eyes staying connected to mine the whole time, I moaned loudly and nearly shot my load. "Fuck, Edward, baby, that is so fucking good." Once he got himself fully seated on me, he leaned forward and took my ear into his mouth before pulling back.

"Hold on love, I'm gonna take a ride," he whispered in my ear, his tone husky, and then he sat back, braced his hands on my shoulders and did just that. Hard and fucking fast.

I was madly reciting baseball stats, states and doing math equations in my head just to hold off from coming too quickly. He was killing me, and by the look on his face, he knew it. I reached down and stroked him, my pace quick and forceful, trying to get him to come quickly so I could let go. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on much longer, no matter what I did. The sight of him, flushed and sweaty, riding me was too much.

Much to my disappointment, but also extreme satisfaction, I exploded inside of him before I could bring him to orgasm. Edward chuckled until I pulled him off of me and flipped him, taking him into my mouth and sucking him all the way down, swallowing around him. Three bobs up and down his shaft and he was gone, screaming out my name as he emptied himself down my throat.

After recovering, I got up and cleaned us both before tucking him to me and kissing him deeply, bathing in the love of my fiancé. "Guess I didn't end up fucking you, baby. I will have to rectify that later when I get movement back in my body." Edward chuckled at my statement and then ducked his head down before saying, "I look forward to it."

"Who knew that once we had sex you would become insatiable, Edward?" He looked up at me, his eyes swimming with amusement at my statement.

"Well, if you weren't so good at getting these reactions out of me, I wouldn't be so, what did you call it? Insatiable. So you have no one to blame but yourself." He tried to keep a serious face, but was failing miserably.

"Baby, I am secretly thanking every God known to man that I can get you to react that way." He smirked and laughed softly before snuggling back into me and yawning loudly. "Go to sleep, baby," I said running my hands through his hair and down his back.

"Night, Jake. I love you," his voice was a whisper, and he was sound asleep as soon as he finished his statement.

"I love you too, baby. Sleep well." And with that, I followed right behind him into dream land.

* * *

**A/N: As you all know things will be pretty slow for the time being. I am moving and will be without my computer for a little while. Having to use my moms when I can until I get my internet hooked back up. So there wont be any updates for a couple weeks at the least. I hope this chapter will hold you all over till I can get more written and posted. Also one of my lovely beta's dizzygrl has been flat out with all the editing she has been doing lately, so it will be a nice break for her, not having my extra stuff for a while lol. Thank you all for reading and reviewing, I havent been able to reply to reviews lately, but I will get back to it as soon as I am settled. Please know I read and love them all.**


	28. What's Normal?

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah and VanPireNZ. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. Love you guys.**

* * *

**What's Normal?**

EPOV

Stretching my arms over my head, I felt my smile widening as I recalled last night's events. Jacob's arms were tightly wrapped around me, holding me close to him as he snored lightly in my ear. I couldn't think of one moment in my life that I ever felt so content, so complete and so utterly loved.

I could feel the flush running up my cheeks as I recalled the way I spoke to Jake last night, how dirty my words were. Only he could bring that out in me, I had no idea I could be so...verbal. All I knew for sure was I had a desperate need for Jake to claim me in the most basic of ways, hard and fast, and it had nothing to do with Sam or the memories that were stirred up.

I shuddered at the memory of being so close to the place I have once called home, and the outburst I had in front of Jake's dad. I still can't believe how wonderful he was about the whole thing, and I am looking forward to spending more time with him. I'm even looking forward to calling him Dad.

Dad – I can't help the small smile that takes over my lips at the thought. Esme is so like a mother to me, but I never thought I would feel safe or comfortable enough around a man to find a father figure. But Jake's dad, Billy, just made me feel safe, secure and already like one of the family, just like his son, and the thought of him makes me feel doubly blessed to become a Black.

Speaking of weddings – I looked over at the clock, and seeing the time, I jump out of bed, almost taking Jake with me.

"Hey now, Baby, where's the fire?" Jake asks as he rights himself and rubs sleep out of his eyes.

"Alice, Jake, Alice." My voice raised a few octaves as I remember that Alice is coming over this morning for last minute wedding things. Her and Jasper's wedding was only four weeks away and we had last minute fittings and details to organize. Alice was rather frantic that everything would go wrong so she was intent on triple checking every single detail. Jasper was at his wits end with her manic behavior, but Jake and I found all kinds of amusement in it, except when she included us in her quest for perfection.

Jake's face paled as he jumped from the bed and ran for the bathroom, turning the shower on and letting it heat up while he ran back to the bedroom and frantically started pulling clothes from the closet. I stood back and watched, chuckling at his behavior, until I remembered Alice and started to mimic his actions.

We were showered, dressed and had breakfast in record time, and were sitting on the couch with coffee when Alice strolled into the apartment with a haggard looking Jasper trailing behind. Three hours into Alice ordering us around, Jasper leaned in close to whisper in my ear.

"Edward, you know I love you right, and I would do anything for you. Can ya do me a favor? NNow, I wouldn't ask unless I was desperate, you know that. Please, Edward, please for the love of all that is holy, have a panic attack." I pulled back from him, my mouth hanging open in shock.

Of all the things I expected him to say, that was the last thing I ever imagined. I turned my head to look over my shoulder at Jake, who had me cradled in his lap, a position he put me in after the second hour of the great wedding discussion, and he must of overheard, because he was nodding his head in agreement with Jasper. As for me, I didn't know whether to be furious or laugh my ass off at the desperation in the faces. I decided to make them squirm, since both of them knew how upset it makes me whenever I have a panic attack, and feigning hurt could actually get me at least half and hour of alone time. I chuckled internally at the thought of throwing Jasper and Jake to the wolves as I put on my hurt face and leaped to my feet.

"I can't believe you said that to me Jasper, you of all people. You know how upset it makes me when I have panic attacks or black out. My god for you, YOU Jasper to try to use something so painful to me to get out of wedding talk." I shook my head as I lowered it and sniffed. Peaking up under my eyelashes, I caught the sight of Jasper' face and almost felt bad enough to stop. He had gone a really pale white, his eyes wide and his mouth hung open slightly.

"And you Jake, for you to agree. I never thought I would see the day that you would actually hurt me on purpose." Jake and Jasper both jumped to their feet and started towards me causing me to back away from them with my hands held out in front of me.

"No, don't touch me, either of you. I – I'm just going to lay down for a while. I need some time alone, to sort out things in my head." I looked up at Jake and Jasper as they both started talking at the same time.

"Oh God, Edward, I didn't even think, I'm so damn sorry. Please forgive me?" came from Jasper's mouth.

"Fuck, no Edward, I wasn't... that's not what I was nodding...oh fuck, Jasper damn it."

I managed to peak over at Alice who was looking every bit as dangerous as I knew she could be when you fucked up with me. Her face was almost purple and her tiny fist shook with force at her sides. These boys where in for it big time.

I turned myself so my back was to Alice and I was facing just the boys and looked them in the eye, then I winked and smirked at them before mouthing, 'serves yourselves right.' There eyes flew even wider open and they both shook their heads, bowing them slightly and I could just make out their shoulders shaking from the effort to stop laughing out loud.

Satisfied I got the message across, I turned and walked to my room, calling over my shoulder my apologies to Alice and that I would be back when I could calm down some.

As soon as the bedroom door closed behind me, Alice started and she didn't let up for forty five minutes. The boys were berated in fine form and Alice used language I didn't even know she knew. I had to stuff a pillow in my face to stop the sounds of my laughter from filling the room and making their way into the lounge. There was a knock on the door exactly three minutes after everything went quiet, and I was shocked at who was there.

"Very nice performance there, Edward." Alice had entered the room and shut the door behind her and was now laying on the bed next to me, watching me with her eyebrow raised. I thought I had done a good job in fooling her. I should have known better.

"Well, they deserved it," I replied, letting my petulance lace my voice.

"Indeed they did, which is why I laid into them, I couldn't have done a better job myself. Trying to use you to get out of wedding planning is one thing but to use your panic attacks, that's unforgivable. What in the hell were they thinking, especially Jasper. My God, we have lived through enough of them over the years for him to know better. But Jake..." She shook her head and reached out to grab my hand as I cut her off, I didn't want to know about Jake right now.

"How did you know Alice?" I was curious as to what gave me away.

"Well I wasn't sure at first, I was seething that those two would do something like that to you, still am really, but what gave it away was when you turned away from me. Whatever you said showed clearly on their faces, and well even I could see their shoulders shaking as they tried not to laugh. I think you all forget how observant I really am at times." She laughed and squeezed my hand before adding, "but they don't need to know that I know. Let 'em stew."

"I told 'em 'serves yourselves right'. Which it did, it was the last thing I expected from either of them and I'm still a little put out they would say it. Actually I'm more shocked than anything else." I sighed and rolled over to face Alice.

We spent the next twenty minutes just laying down, talking and laughing at their stupidity. I told Alice I was going to tell Jake's dad, and Alice said she was looking forward to telling Esme. I actually felt sorry for them for all of two seconds.

"Edward?" Alice's voice sounded tiny and I wondered what would cause it. I looked at her and cocked an eyebrow in question.

"Jake wasn't agreeing with Jasper..." I cut her off again.

"He was nodding his head, Alice. He heard what Jasper said and was nodding his head. How can you say..." It was her turn to cut me off.

"He wasn't listening to Jasper, he was listening to me. I was talking about having you two in matching suits, and he was agreeing with me. He liked the idea of you two wearing the same thing as you walked down the isle together." I frowned at her.

"But...but..."

"Just bad timing Edward, trust me. Jake took the shit from me, because he didn't want to let his partner down, cops and all that, never leave a man behind. Some stupid macho crap like that, but when I went to get a glass of water, I heard Jake ragging Jasper out for his stupidity and for dragging him down with him when he was just agreeing with me about the suits. He was pissed off at Jasper, just as much as I was and he was laying into him. You know Jake and trying to whisper, it's even worse when he is angry. Poor Jasper is copping it from every side."

I sighed loudly and tried to think of a way to make it up to Jake. I can't believe I assumed he would go along with Jasper's stupidity.

"In Jasper's defense, which isn't really much, he hasn't been sleeping well lately. Something has been bothering him, but he won't talk to me about it. So, I don't think he was actually using his brain when he made that stupid request." I groaned at Alice's comment because I knew Jasper was having a hard time lately. Between me being with Jake, and Alice spending a lot of time with Seth, Jasper was feeling a little left out. He had been used to having Alice and me to himself for a long time. Alice was either with me, with Jasper or with both of us. Usually it was all three of us together.

"Yeah I know. He has a lot of adjustments to make in such a short time, so I get it. I will go easy on him and only make him squirm for a little while." Alice laughed at the faces I was making.

After another ten minutes of letting them stew, we decided to go out there and let them off the hook. We found Jake sitting in a chair, hands in his face and Jasper pacing around the room, shaking his head every so often and muttering to himself.

I walked up to Jasper and pulling him into my arms, and he immediately returned my embrace. "I'm sorry Edward, really. I wasn't thinking at all..."

"I know Jasper, you have been under a lot of stress, besides I'm not that mad, just a little shocked. You know I love you though." He sighed in relief and hugged me tighter, kissing the side of my head.

"Thanks, buddy."

"You're welcome and now I have to go apologize to my man over there, because it seems I got the wrong end of things." Jasper squeezed me tight one last time then, all be it reluctantly, let me go. It was in that moment I realized just how hard this was on Jasper. He has been so determined to see me happy, to make sure I have everything he thinks I deserve, that he has been neglecting his own feelings towards this whole thing.

I would have to rectify that situation as soon as possible. Jasper was one person, I knew for sure that I couldn't survive without, and truth be told I didn't want to. He was the world to me. Him and Alice. Without them I would probably be dead.

"I love you, Jasper, remember that. Please remember that, and remember that I wouldn't be who I am today without you. You mean the world to me and nothing or no one could every change that or take your place in my heart." Jasper pulled me back to him and a small sob escaped him before he could reign himself in.

"I love you too, buddy. Sorry for being such a jackass," he whispered softly into my ear.

"We need to spend more time together just the two of us, I think. After you get back from your honeymoon we will have to have a date night of our own." Jasper chuckled at my term 'date night' and so did I.

"You have a deal buddy, now go see your man, while I try and sooth things over with my woman." We hugged tightly one more time before moving away to our fiancés.

Jake was watching the exchange between Jasper and I with a slight smile on his face,which quickly turned to a small frown as I walked towards him. My stomach was churning as I strode the short distance separating us. My mind was filled with remorse for how I could have believede he would agree with Jasper's suggestion. This was Jake after all. He would sooner slit his wrists than cause me any physical or emotional pain.

Jake leaned back in his chair when I reached him, and I sat in his lap and curled myself around him, taking comfort from his scent and sighed with pleasure as he wrapped his arms around me. He began to speak, but I cut him off quickly, knowing he would apologize even though he didn't do anything wrong.

"I'm sorry, Jake, I should have known better, I was just shocked and when I saw you nodding. I naturally assumed you were agreeing with Jasper. It was stupid and childish to try and get you into trouble with Alice, and even though I was upset, I wasn't really angry as you could tell by the wink...it's just that I...well...I..." I didn't know what to say, because even though I made a joke of it, I was angry and hurt. I felt betrayed and then felt even worse for feeling that way with people I know love me. My mind and heart were being pulled in a million different directions and I really didn't know how to feel about the whole thing, other than really pissed off at myself for believing Jake would be apart of it.

"Edward, of course you were angry, don't even try telling me you weren't. You had every right to be too. I'm still pissed off, but more importantly I'm worried about you. I love you, baby, you know that, and I won't tolerate people upsetting you. Jasper is lucky, I love him like a brother, otherwise he would be unconscious right now. And as for you thinking what you did, well I can understand that too, I mean you turn to me for support and I'm sitting there nodding my head like a jackass, having totally missed what Jasper had said to you. Shit Edward, I would have been mad at me too." He leaned down and kissed my head, pulling me tighter to him.

Just like Jake to place no blame on me, and with my current emotional turmoil, I didn't know whether to hit him or kiss him. He really needed to start holding me accountable for my fuck-ups, since I had them rather often. I realized in that moment that Jake treated me almost like a child. He coddled me and took responsibility for my own action, and while that was exactly what I needed in the beginning, if I was ever to fully recover, I needed him to hold me accountable. The problem was I wasn't exactly sure how to talk to him about it, without having him blame himself.

If we were in a normal relationship, Jake would have been furious with me for blaming him for something I should know he would never do. At least I think that's what was suppose to happen. I had seen Alice rip Jasper a new one for similar things as he did with her, it was a normal thing to do, wasn't it? Fighting in a relationship, arguing was what normal couples did, right? Jake and I didn't do that. Jake always took responsibility for everything. And with that thought, wrapped safely in Jake's embrace I made the decision to talk to Seth and find out if they ever argued, even though it would kill me to hear about their life together. I had no experience in these things, but what I had witnessed between other couples, mostly Jasper and Alice. Sam was my only experience to draw from and I knew all of that was wrong. Sighing, I snuggled deeper in to Jake and decided to just let it go until I talked to Seth, Alice and Jasper about their thoughts.

Maybe I'm wrong about everything. I mean, what did I really know about real relationships, and Jake has always been so sweet and kind. I just hope that he is being who he truly is and isn't holding any part of himself back from me. I have to stop driving myself crazy, Seth will be over for dinner in two days, so I will find some time to speak to him then. Untill then, I am going to enjoy my loving, sweet and sexy as hell boy...I mean fiancé, and not worry about this until I know there is something to worry about.

Things change everyday, but there was one thing I could always count on and that was the fact that I would always over analyze everything in my life, for better or worse. I still couldn't lean to live outside my own head.

* * *

**Sorry for the very long delay, things are getting back to normal slowly, and the next chapter is already written so thats a good thing. **

**I am in need of a new Beta or two, so if anyone is interested please send me and email or msg and let me know. But please only if you have the time and are not too busy with other stuff.**


	29. The Truth About Jake

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta Taloolah and a big welcome to my new Beta Pyejammies. Strangely enough both my beta's are from the UK and both are teachers. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. **

**Extra A/N at the end of chapter.**

* * *

**The Truth About Jake**

**Jake's POV**

After the wedding talk fiasco, things had gone back to being relatively normal between Edward and myself. I say relative because he seemed to be a little off at times. It wasn't unusual for him to drift off during a conversation when something was bothering him, but it was unusual for him to take so long to tell me what was up.

It had been two days and still not a word about what was upsetting him and I was clueless. So I just tried my best to cheer him up whenever he would sit with a frown on his face staring out the window, him mind going a mile a minute. I wondered if it was nerves, since his mood seemed to get worse the closer it got to Seth arriving for dinner.

Just in case that was still an issue for him, I would make sure that the topics steered clear of any of Seth's reminiscing about our past. That was the plan, but it's always amazing how things never go to plan.

Seth arrived not long after Alice and Jasper, with Jasper glued to Edward's side, a small frown on his face. He was whispering furiously to Edward causing Edward to frown slightly and shake his head. I was about to go find out what was going on, when Seth came up and clasped a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey J, how are you? You look tense." He said, concern lacing his voice. I glanced over at Edward whose frown became more prominent when he noticed Seth's hand on me. I shifted slightly to dislodge it and smiled slightly in apology at the look on Seth's face.

God this was going to be a long night.

"Everything's fine Seth," I replied, leading him over to Edward and Jasper. Once at Edward's side I wrapped my arms around him from behind and felt him relax into my embrace.

"Hey Seth," Edward said his voice soft and he glanced up at Seth through his lashes. A look I knew to be nerves on his part. The problem was Edward looked damn sexy doing that and I groaned softly.

Since Seth didn't understand this about Edward, not really knowing him besides what he had heard from Alice, his eyebrows furrowed together as he watched Edward. "Are you flirting with me in front of Jake, Edward?" Seth chuckled uncomfortably and Edward's face colored, but before he could reply Jasper jumped in, anger coloring his tone.

"Of course he isn't Seth, he's just nervous around you. What are you thinking trying to embarrass..." Jasper's rant was cut off by Alice who flitted to his side and grasped his hand in hers.

"Jasper, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding, Seth doesn't know Edward like we do. Isn't that right Seth?" Seth looked at Alice gratefully and apologized quickly to Edward.

"It's okay Seth you aren't the first to think that, I don't understand why, though," Edward had burrowed closer into my chest as he spoke to Seth, his body shaking slightly.

"It's because you look so damn adorable and seductive when you peak out from under your lashes baby, that's all." I chuckled nervously and kissed his cheek before adding, "Who's hungry?"

Jasper was still staring at Seth, his face a hard mask. He was always so protective of Edward, but since his fuck up the other day, he has been even worse. Edward moved away from me and grabbed Jasper's hand and pulled him out of the room, calling out a 'be right back' over his shoulder.

I moved everyone into the kitchen and told them I had to use the bathroom, following the path Jasper and Edward took. As I went to open the bathroom door Jasper' voice came floating out of our bedroom.

"It's not a good idea Edward, you should just talk to Jake about it. I don't like you putting yourself out like that. It can only cause you more pain." Edward's sigh was loud and I could just imagine him shaking his head and scowling.

"I have to be sure Jasper, you know that. I've been thinking about this for days now. Something just isn't right, you said so yourself, and the only way I can get to the truth of the matter..." I burst through the door cutting off Edward's sentence. My fists were clenched at my side and I was trying to get myself under control.

Did Edward really think I would leave him for Seth? Is that what was going on here? After all this time, and all the times he told me he trusted me, didn't he mean it? I took in a few deep breaths as Edward and Jasper watched me, their faces showing their concern for what I may have heard.

"What the hell is going on in here?" My voice shook slightly as I tried to keep my anger in check.

"Tell him Edward." Jasper said, pushing him forward slightly and then excusing himself from the room. I paced wildly after Jasper left, my head shaking back and forth.

"Don't you trust me, Edward? You said you did, was that all lies? How many lies have you told me?" I couldn't hold it in, I was furious at the thought that our whole relationship was a lie.

"Jake no, I swear that's not it at all..."

"Then what the hell is going on? What truth are you talking about Edward, because I have never been anything but completely honest with you and for you to think that I would be holding back..." I cut myself off as my voice started to rise. I was so angry that he would think such a thing of me. I loved him. Didn't he love me anymore? I deflated at the thought.

"Edward," I swallowed the lump forming in my throat as I turned to face him, "don't you love me? Do you want out?" My words seemed to come out in a choked whisper and I dropped my head trying to hide the moisture in my eyes. I was always worried this would happen, that Edward would get better and decide he wanted to see what else was out there for him. It was one of my deepest fears.

"WHAT?" Edward screamed, snapping me out of my thoughts. "No Jake, for fucks sake, no. I love you, more than anything. Fuck I should have listened to Jasper, this is all so fucking wrong." Edward started pacing himself, his hands in his hair as he pulled viciously at it. I sighed in relief and went to his side, my anger starting to boil up again, knowing that he still loved me but was keeping something from me.

"Then tell me what the fuck is going on," I snapped. Not even bothering to hide my anger at him. He was driving me bat shit crazy at the moment and for the first time since we got together I was truly pissed off at him and I was not holding back in the least. A small part of me was concerned he would pass out or freak out from me yelling, but at that moment I didn't give a shit. I was angry at him for putting me through an emotional roller coaster and not telling me what the fuck was going on when he had yet again gone to Jasper.

"I mean, seriously Edward, are you with me or Jasper, because, if this is something about us, then you should be talking to me about it, right? Not leaving me trying to guess and making me think you wanted to end this. Seriously Edward, what the hell were you thinking? We made a promise in the beginning that we would be honest with each other, was that all bullshit too?" My voice must have been really loud cause Jasper came storming back into the room and stood between me and Edward.

"What the fuck are you doing Jake? Do you think yelling at him is going to help..." Edward came to stand between us, and he had a smile on his face. What the hell was going on? Jasper must have understood because he slapped himself in the head and smiled at Edward.

"Guess that's something I will have to get use to eh?" Jasper laughed and left the room again, grinning from ear to ear.

I was so fucking confused. "Edward?" I asked tentatively as he turned towards me, smiling wider. "What the hell? Why are you smiling?" I was exasperated and threw my hands up in the air, causing Edward to flinch back slightly and lose his smile.

He dropped his head and mumbled, "Guess I wasn't ready for that part." Which confused me even more.

"What part, what the hell are you talking about." I frowned and walked over the the bed, plopping myself down and placing my face in my hands.

Edward sighed loudly and then I felt his hands on my knees, I peaked through my fingers and saw him kneeling in front of me, a frown on his face.

"I just...you see...God it sounds so stupid." He took another deep breath and continued on. "I...well...shit, Jake, I don't know much about relationships at all and well when I thought you, well you know what happened the other day and I blamed you for something you didn't even do. You apologized to me, when I just thought anyone else would have yelled at me for being so stupid. So then I thought you were just coddling me and treating me like a child and I started to wonder if what we had was normal." He took a deep breath and looked at me with pleading eyes.

"I've never had normal so I was completely sure that you treated me like I would break and that we couldn't have a normal relationship like that, but I wasn't sure if it was cause of what happened to me, and you just thought I was too weak to deal with normal or if you were always like this with everyone. So I was going to ask Seth if you ever yelled at him while you two were together. Jasper told me to speak to you about it, but when every I tried it out in my head it just sounded stupid. So I didn't want to say anything if there wasn't anything to say..." He cut himself off and looked down at his hands tracing patterns on my denim covered knees.

"Jesus Christ Edward, seriously?" My voice was soft and my mind was ticking over. "What kind of logic was that? "

"You never raise your voice at me Jake, EVER. No matter how many times I fuck up you take on the responsibility for yourself and make out like I did nothing wrong." Edward sounded just as exasperated as I felt. And I chuckled, which then turned into a full out laugh. I just couldn't stop as Edward knelt there looking at me like I had lost my mind. Once I finally got myself under control I pulled him to his feet, got up and walked to the door.

"Jake, wait.." Edward's voice was panicked behind me but I just pulled the door open and called out down the hall.

"Seth, can you come here for a minute please?" Seth came to the door a few seconds later, a worried look on his face.

"Look, I'm sorry if I'm causing conflict, I can leave..." I laughed again, could this night get any more surreal.

"Just come in here for a second Seth could ya?" Seth nodded and entered the room and I closed the door behind him.

"What's up?" Seth asked his eyes shifting from my laughing face to Edward's confused expression.

"I just need you to tell Edward how often I got angry or yelled at you during our relationship if you wouldn't mind." Seth frowned, his lips pursed into a thin white line as he tried to understand what was going on here.

"Umm, shit, well we were together a long while and I think you yelled a total of like five times, in all that time." Seth turned to Edward before he continued. "Jake hardly ever loses his temper, he is too easy going. Things just don't seem to bother him like they would _normal _people." Seth laughed as he said,normal, "Used to drive me bat shit crazy that's for sure, but it's just the way he was, even as a kid he was mellow and gentle. I asked his dad once, and he just said that, that was just Jake's nature, he was a lover not a fighter. It took a lot to get him upset, and it was usually only when he was defending someone he loved that he would really loose his shit." Seth sighed and then continued, "I was actually a little worried when I heard him yelling before, it's really out of character for him, so you must have really pissed him off Edward."

"Thanks, Seth," Edward said, his face burning a bright red as he dropped down onto the bed.

"Yeah, thanks man, can you tell the others we will be out soon? Sorry about this, but we wont be long." I said and lead Seth to the door.

"Sure, glad to be of service." Seth muttered as he walked out, and I closed the door behind him.

"So," I said, walking over to Edward and sitting down beside him, throwing my hand over his shoulder, "does that answer all your questions or should I bring Seth back so you can ask more?" I couldn't hide the laughter in my voice, I just found the whole thing to be utterly ridiculous, but it gave me another peak into how Edward's mind worked.

"Sorry," Edward muttered, "I guess you just don't yell a lot, I feel like such an idiot right now."

"I'm not going to say it's fine, Edward, 'cause it's not. If you have something on your mind, that's making you act like a totally jackass, just come talk to me about it. And as you can tell from just now, if you piss me off I will yell. Though I will try to remember not to flail my hands around in front of you." My voice turned serious at the last part, I was still a little miffed at myself for doing that, but he just got me so fucking annoyed, I wasn't thinking straight.

Edward laughed and turned to face me, a small smile on his face, "You called me a jackass." He chuckled again.

"Well, yes, you were acting like one. And over something so utterly stupid. God Edward, I don't think I have ever been more exasperated with a person in my life. I was pissed off, relieved, pissed off again and then highly amused. Jackass." I added at the end and laughed again.

"As much as I'm sorry for how this turned out, I'm not sorry it came out. At least now I know you treat me like an equal. That I can do stuff to set you off and you won't hold back." He shifted uncomfortably for a moment before looking up at me again. "But I think I prefer not to set you off again, at least not for a long while, that was pretty scary near the end there Jake." Edward gulped and then curled into my side.

I wasn't sure what to say to that, and didn't know whether to be relieved he could tell me he was scared or upset that I had been the one to scare him. So I just pulled him close and kissed his head before whispering, "I would never hurt you Edward." Edward pulled back sharply his eyes narrowed as he looked at me frowning.

"You don't think I know that. My God Jake if I had an ounce of fear towards you I would have passed out the minute your hands went up in the air." He scoffed indignantly at my apparent idiocy. "Jackass." He added laughing slightly.

"Ha, ha, very funny. I've got myself a comedian, a totally insane comedian, but a funny man none the less." Edward pushed me back onto the bed and straddled my lap.

"And don't you forget it." He mumbled around a mouth full of my ear. I moaned quietly and shoved his shoulders slightly.

"You had better cut that out too, Mister, we have a house full of guests we are being very rude to and need to get back to." Edward pouted slightly but got up. Chuckling I added, "You might just find yourself cut off for a week after that." He rounded on me, arms crossed over his chest and his eyes narrowed into slits.

"You wouldn't dare." He challenged.

"Oh, wouldn't I?" I laughed and left the room, leaving a bewildered looking Edward behind me.

Serves himself right I thought as I rejoined the others, Edward followed not long after, a pout still in place on his very kissable lips.

* * *

**A/N Things are a little crazy right now but I will update as frequently as I can. Not too much longer to go with this fic, though I'm not completely sure how many chapters are left. Again I would like to welcome my new Beta Pyejammies, she is awesome. Also sorry for the smaller chapter this time around, hopefully they wont be this small again. Thanks for reading and reviewing, I read them all and love them all and answer as many as I can when time allows. Thanks for sticking with me. **


	30. Edward's Plan

**Warning: This story deals with domestic violence and the struggles to recover. If you have problems with this issue please don't read this.**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**Big thanks to my Beta's Taloolah Pyejammies. You girls are awesome; I appreciate all the work you do for me, helping me make my stuff presentable. **

**Extra A/N at the end of chapter.**

* * *

**Edward's Plan**

EPOV

I knew I was pouting through most of the meal as we sat to eat dinner, Jake's last words echoing in my head. Surely he was just kidding, there was no way he would actually cut me off.

That thought surprised me too, the fact that sex was important to me with Jake. I would have given anything for Sam to have cut me off from his unwanted touches, but the thought of Jake doing that was extremely depressing. He brought out something long ago buried in me, when we were physical. I longed for every touch, every kiss, every kind word. Jake always made me feel special, treasured, but more so when we made love.

Since we first shared ourselves, we had a very fulfilling sex life, giving ourselves to each other at least once a day, usually more. And the thought of not having that connection with him for a week was a little tough to take. It made me realize just how smart Jake was, because if anything that was the best threat he could have made. I had to stifle a chuckle when that thought crossed my mind.

It was a massive relief though, to know for sure that Jake wasn't treating me like a child, there was no coddling on his part, he was just being himself. Kind, compassionate and generous of spirit, the complete opposite of his cousin. Funny thing is, I knew all this to begin with,deep down, but my paranoia just got out of control.

Though it was easier everyday to leave behind my past, it still lingered and would come back to me at the most inappropriate times, infecting the people around me and causing scenes at dinner parties. I still had that little niggle in the back of my mind, wondering how the hell I got so lucky with Jake. It's a struggle to not let the dark thoughts that I'm too damaged, not good enough, from seeping through.

I'm starting to wonder if I do all these things to push him away, even though I know that I would be shattered and broken again if he ever left me. My mind was still a scary, dark place but with the help of Alice, Jasper and Jake, I'm finally starting to realize what it is that makes me act the way I do.

Pushing Jake to react, trying to make him something he is not, was one of my most horrid mistakes, and I must say I deserve punishment for it. So if no sex for a week is what Jake decides, even though it will kill me, I will abide.

Jake's hand slides up my leg, under the table, breaking me from my darkening thoughts. I've come to believe that he has the ability to read my mind, knowing exactly what I need at any given time. Looking up from my plate I realize that everyone is staring at me and I was so lost in thought I have missed the whole conversation.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked, my cheeks reddening at my own self-absorption. I could feel Jake's eyes on me, his concern was almost palpable.

"Seth was just asking about your tattoo is all, wondering if you are happy with it." Alice's voice is full of concern, I can hear it in her tone, and Jasper, when I catch his eye, has a look of worry on his features too. I really have to learn to stop letting things fester in my mind.

"Oh, yes, thank you Seth, it's really beautiful." Jake's hand tightened on my thigh and I realized that I had flinched at the question. Though why I'm not sure, I had no images of Sam. Shaking my head, I rise from the table slowly. "Sorry guys, I'm just...um...finish up wont you, I just think I need to lay down for a while." I gave Jake a quick squeeze on his shoulder and tried to smile at everyone before I made my way to the bedroom. Leaving the door open I flopped down onto the bed and tried to keep my mind blank.

I focused on the conversation that is filtering through from the dining room, the voices sound worried and I sigh softly. It's not until I scrub my hands over my face that I realize I'm crying and I really have no idea why. My emotions are so messed up right now.

Unsure of how much time had passed, I jumped a little when I felt the bed dip next to me and Jake's arms wrapped around me. "Are you okay, baby?" He kisses my neck and I hear myself sigh softly.

"I..." Swallowing hard, I roll over to face Jake. After the conversation we had, about telling him how I feel, I decided to be honest. "Jake, I don't know what's wrong. I...it's...fuck. I just feel..." My problem was I didn't know how I felt. Why I was melancholy, what exactly had brought it on. I couldn't blame Sam, because even though he had been crossing my mind tonight, it's not as if I was remembering anything horrific.

Jake yelling at me had left me with a mixture of elation and fear, but it was not the cause of what I was feeling now. I just couldn't put my finger on why, every little thing was just too much and I just didn't want to face anything at all.

"Edward?" Jake's thumbs brushed under my eyes and I realized I was crying again, "It's okay to be sad just because you are sad, you know. There doesn't have to be any catalyst for the emotion. I'm no shrink, but I'm guessing, for someone like you, having to master your emotions for your own safety and then never letting anyone close enough on a romantic level to understand how to let them out and not feel threatened...well it's gotta take its toll." Jake took a deep breath and then pulled me closer to him, letting me cry into his chest while he stroked my hair.

It was cathartic, to just let go in the safety of his arms. I had cried with Jake so many times, but there was always a reason, a push that caused me to break down. Crying, just for the sake of crying, for release was cleansing in a way, and as Jake's words echoed in my mind, they made a lot of sense. I truly had been very rigid in how I expressed myself, even after Sam. It was an ingrained thing, a knowing that if I reacted the wrong way, I would be punished so it was safer to not react at all, until it all built up, I said something I shouldn't and was punished.

It was foreign to express an emotion just because, but it was also healing, and that thought caused me to chuckle through my tears. I pulled back and wiped my face, then looked Jake in the eye, opened my mouth to apologize but was cut off by his hand rising into the air between us.

"If you even think about saying sorry, I will cut you off for more than a week," he laughed, though it was very strained but it did cause me to smile.

"Thank you, Jake. For everything." He smiled back at me, his eyes sparkling with his own unshed tears, and pulled me back into his chest.

"You are very welcome baby."

I got lost in the warmth of him, the rise and fall of his chest was so rhythmic that the next thing I knew I was waking up to the sun spilling through the gap in the curtains. Jake was not in bed with me and his side was cold, when I blindly reached out to find him. Grimacing at the slight headache, caused from an excess of tears, I scrubbed my face and turned over to check the time.

"Fuck." I grumbled as I jumped out of bed and headed straight for the shower. It was almost eleven and I was extremely late for my morning appointments. Why the fuck didn't Jake wake me, before he left for work.

Drying and dressing hurriedly, I made my way to the kitchen where I could smell coffee. Jake had left a cup out for me, and there was a note underneath it.

Edward,

I called Esme this morning and had her contact your morning clients to reschedule, the ones that were too important to miss she took herself. You looked exhausted and I thought you could do with a lie in. Left the coffee on for you and there is breakfast in the warmer. Talk when I get home.

All my love

Jake.

Jake had left me a plate of bacon and eggs, which were considerably dried out, but I ate them regardless. His thoughtfulness and consideration was in every part of the breakfast and really bad coffee, because it had been sitting too long, but to me it was the best I had ever had. Once finished I picked up the phone and called Esme, and talked to her about my appointments and also about how I had been feeling last night. She pretty much told me the same stuff Jake did, and it made me wonder if these two were talking more frequently than I had realized. I should have known though, that Jake would go to her for advice on how to help me cope best.

After saying goodbye to Esme with plans for dinner with the family on Thursday night, I hung up and gathered my things, before leaving the house and making my way to work.

Even though it was only half a day, it was still a very trying one. Most of my clients where doing really well, but one, he was having a really hard time trying to form bonds with anyone but me. Brady had been seeing me for three years so far and had tried and tried to find a balance in his life, but couldn't quite get there. He really did remind me a lot of myself, which is why I never pushed him too hard.

Brady came from a broken home and was kicked out when he was fifteen, when he decided to tell his father he was gay. His mother had long since abandoned them and he was left to suffer at the hands of a man who considered alcohol his main priority. By the time he was seventeen he was firmly in the hands of one of the most abusive relationships I had ever heard about. It was almost as shocking as the one I had been through and he also had the scars to prove it.

In the beginning, my session with him would bring on the worse flash backs I had suffered in years, and it took me a long while before I could listen to him without suffering nightmares and panic attacks. He had gotten out when he was nineteen and the only reason he was free was because his abusive boyfriend had been stabbed in a bar fight and died from his injuries.

He called it a mad twist of fate, I called it Karma.

Once I got home, I headed straight for the shower, hoping it would relieve the tension in my muscles, and sooth the ache I always felt after a session with Brady. I felt really bad that I had neglected him for so long. With everything that had been going on in my life, people besides Jake, Alice, Jasper and the Cullens had taken a backseat.

Brady had become a part of our lives, over time, and had especially taken to Jasper, like most abused gay men did. I think they found the same comfort in him that I did.

Unlike me, Brady didn't flinch around other men, he was just quiet and shy. A little reserved, Jasper would say, but very sweet. During our session today I was surprised to find out that Brady had been spending a lot of time with Alice, and I was amazed at where she found the time.

By the time I was dried and dressed the front door was opened and closed and I rushed out to greet Jake and jumped a little when it was Jasper coming in.

"Hey buddy," he said brightly, a bottle of wine in one hand and take away in the other. "Alice is working late, and Jake had to stay back to finish up some paper work, so it's just you and me for a couple of hours." He smiled and then frowned when he caught my expression.

"Hey Jasper." I yawned then, the exhaustion of my day catching up with me. Even though I had slept in and only been at work half the day, I was knackered.

"You okay buddy?"

"Yeah just tired. Had a session with Brady today."

"Oh. How is he? I know Alice has been spending time with him, but she doesn't talk about it much."

"He's doing okay, getting on with things, you know I can't say too much Jasper." Jasper knew the basics about Brady, since Brady himself had told him, but I couldn't divulge what we discussed in our sessions, though up until a few months ago, Jasper was up to date anyway. Brady and the rest of us get together from time to time for drinks or dinner, he even sometimes comes to games nights. But none of that had happened in a while.

"I know, I think it's time we had another get together. I miss the little Bradster."

"You know he hates when you call him that, Jasper." I laughed out loud for the first time all day.

"Oh, you know he loves me, I can get away with calling him anything." Shaking my head as I started to help Jasper plate up the food and pour the wine.

We ate in silence for a while, and it was comforting, being with Jasper like this again, just the two of us. We had spent many nights like this, when Alice was working late, and I realized at this moment how much I missed it.

"I've missed it too." Jasper said suddenly breaking the silence.

"Did I say that out loud?" I asked.

"No, but I can see it in your face, Edward. You know I can read you like a book." He chuckled and so did I. Sometimes things change, but somethings never do, and the connection I shared with Jasper was one of those things in life that would always be there, to comfort me.

"I really have missed you Jasper. You know how much you mean to me, and I know you have been feeling left out of late. But you have to remember, you were the first man that I ever trusted, after...well you know...and it will always be that way. I love you Jazz, you know that right?"

"Yeah I know, I just got a little nutty there for a while. Five years of having you all to myself, it's a hard habit to break. I want you to be happy Edward, I really do. You deserve it so much, but everything changed so fast and I just went with it, until finally I felt threatened. I know it's stupid and pathetic, but I missed you, I missed us. You are more than a friend to me, you are family."

"I know." I whispered quietly.

"And I love you too," he chuckled and smiled brightly at me, causing me to roll my eyes and laugh. That was Jasper's way of getting it out and ending the conversation all in one. He wasn't one to share how he was feeling, the gooey stuff as he called it, but when he did, he would blurt it out in one quick go and move on. He preferred to show you how he felt, with constant touching and doing things for you to make you feel special.

If God gave us angels to help us through, then I had three.

"So..." And I knew what was coming. "want to tell me what happened last night?"

"I was a dick, that's what happened. I really should have listened to you in the first place Jazz, what a fucking mess I made. But Jake being Jake, forgave me. Why didn't you tell me he doesn't lose his temper a lot?" I know I was giving him an accusing look, but he just brushed it off and laughed.

"Cause I see him lose his shit almost every fucking day buddy. Plus I've never seen him in a relationship, so I had no clue what he was like in one of those. We never really talked about it, you were always the main topic of conversation, that and Alice. Oh and his dad of course."

"What do you mean you see him lose his shit almost everyday?" I was curious about this turn of events.

"Come on Edward, I've told you before how involved Jake gets in his work. He gets worked up over people hurting other people, we see it everyday and it affects him." Jasper sighed but then chuckled as he added, "He can rant on a topic for a good solid hour, if I'd let him. But the patience and kindness he shows to the victims, it's what makes him one of the best."

"I can see that," I sighed a wistful kind of sound. Jake was truly one of a kind. "He is so great with me, even though I continue to fuck it up..."

"Bullshit Edward, you don't fuck anything up. Jake knows you love him, and from what he told me today, he treats you the same as he would treat anyone else he loved. Guess I should have just asked him that myself and saved you the trouble."

"Well that would have worked if I had thought of it," I laughed, "but really, things worked out okay, except for the fact he cut me off for a week." I pouted at the last bit and Jasper spat his wine across the table.

"He what?" Jasper was full out laughing while simultaneously choking on his wine.

"You heard me, and stop fucking laughing, it's not funny." Though I couldn't help the snort that left me as I tried to conceal my own chuckle.

"Oh Edward, that's fucking priceless. Do you think he will be able to follow through?" He was still laughing.

"Not if I can help it." I pouted again, but chuckled despite myself.

"And, pray tell, what exactly do you have in mind to break the poor mans will?" Jasper had a twinkle in his eyes, and it reminded me of old times.

"Well I haven't really thought that far ahead, but I'm guessing that showing a lot of skin might help." I shrugged nonchalantly. "So maybe you might want to start knocking before you barge in." Jasper lost it and actually thumped the table he was laughing so hard.

"You know what? I think you might have to put the security chain on, because Alice would just barge in no matter what, but I will let her know to be extra cautious for a while."

"Crap, I didn't think of Alice."

"Yes, well, I don't think it's too much of a worry, we both only use the key when we know Jake isn't here or in an emergency, or when invited. Besides Alice knows you don't want her seeing you naked, I'm sure she will comply."

"Yeah, since she made Jake clean me up after my vomit fest at the station a while back, I'm sure she will." I shuddered at the memory.

"So..." Jasper said changing the subject from that particular thought, though his hands clenched slightly and his eyes darkened at the memory. "when does operation seduce Jake begin?"

"Well, I was thinking it might be nice for him to come home and find me naked on the couch..." I blushed and Jasper laughed again. "Well, anyway, probably, tonight." I ended, realizing I was going to say too much. Jasper didn't need to know how I was going to present myself.

"Well, I better get going then, since he should be home soon. Good luck, I'm sure I will know how it went by Jake's actions at work tomorrow."

He helped me clean up the mess and then we hugged goodbye. As soon as the door was shut and locked behind him I stripped down and laid myself out on the sofa, trying to look as seductive as possible and waited for my man to get home.

* * *

**A/N: Someone or many someone's nominated this fic for the Twislash Awards. I actually never knew there was such a thing until I got the email, informing me that I had been nominated. So thank you to who ever did that, it was a wonderful surprise, since I have never been nominated or rec'ed before other than a title mention by darkira. So voting starts September 14th so please read the other noms if you havent already and dont forget to vote for your favs. http:/community dot livejournal dot com/twislashawards/**


	31. Suprise

**Yes I'm back finally. Here is a new chapter, and I hope it doesn't disappoint after the long wait. **

**Thanks to Taloolahp for picking up where she left off and being my Beta again :D**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

* * *

**Surprise**

Jacob POV

The day seems to drag, as I count down the time till I can get home. Jasper told me he would be going to eat with Edward so that at least made me feel a little better. I just hope that he is refreshed after last night. I didn't have the heart to wake him this morning, and my only regret is that I didn't get to talk to him.

I decide to stop off and pick up a bottle of wine on the way home, knowing that Jasper would have finished any bottles we had in the house. I find myself whistling as I make my way up the stairs to our apartment, looking forward to spending some quality time with my boy, even if I did say I cut him off.

Sliding the key into the door, I feel my heart skip a beat as I turn the lock and walk inside. There is a scent of candles burning inside, vanilla and coffee. I place the bottle down on the counter top as I pass the kitchen into the lounge, and stop dead in my tracks. There laying on the couch is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen.

My Edward, stretched out, in all his naked glory, a shy smile on his lips as he looks up at me from under hooded lids. All the blood leaves my head, making me dizzy as my cock hardens, and I stalk towards him, and bend down kissing him senseless, drawing moans from his luscious lips.

"My God," I mouth against his lips, "do you have any idea how beautiful you are, how sexy. I about came in my pants seeing you laid out like that." Edward moans again, and pulls me to him, spreading his legs so I can fit inside. I get completely lost in the moment, the scent of him, the taste of him, it all clouds my judgement as I let him unbuckle my belt, undo my pants and pull them down. It's as I'm kicking off my shoes that my mind comes back to me.

"I cut you off?" It comes out as a question as I jump up, my pants slipping to around my ankles, leaving me standing there in my boxers. Edward's eyes sparkle with mischief and a smirk crosses his features. It's not a look I've seen on him often, but when he pulls it out my heart skips a beat and my cock grows impossibly harder, twitching to get near him.

"Well, you may have said something like that, but I promised to be a good boy, Jakey." He pouts then, his full lips drawing my attention, until his hand moves down his body and he slowly strokes his beautiful cock. I swallow reflectively and take an involuntary step towards him. Seeing me move Edward gets up on to his hands and knees and crawls across the couch to me, he is seductive in his movements and again I step forward without thought, and my knees hit the couch.

Edward curls around, taking a seat on the couch in front of me, his hands bracing against my hips, his thumbs drawing tantalising circles on the bone. I shiver as his breath ghosts over my cock, his mouth getting closer. His tongue pokes out and runs along the head, lapping up the pre-cum, before pulling me forward by my hips and taking me into the warm cavern of his mouth. All thought flees my mind as he takes me deep within his throat and swallows around me, and I moan loudly, my hands weaving their way into his hair and tugging slightly.

Edward places his hands on my ass, and pushes, indicating for me to fuck his mouth, which I proceed to do cautiously. We had had a few arguments about this, but I was never one to be to rough with my partners, and especially Edward, and it had taken a while to get him to understand that just because I was not as rough as... others... did not mean that I did not love him or enjoy being buried in his throat.

My mind stutters as I look down, only to find him staring up at me, a look of bliss on his face as I continue to fuck his face. He smiles at me, and pulls back, licking his lips, as his hand wraps around my cock and continues to pump me.

"Make love to me, please Jakey?" he asks, his eyes bright with hope and love. I take his hand and lead him to our bedroom, where I lay him out on the bed and begin to worship his body, the way it was intended to be worshipped.

I take my time, lavishing him with kisses and licks as I work my way down his chest and stomach. I nip at his hip bone, and place a delicate kiss on the head of his cock and watch in fascination as it bobs slightly. I smile up at him when he groans as I move passed it without anymore attention being paid.

Hoisting his legs over my shoulders, I move in to where I most want to be. Edward has the most beautiful ass I have ever had the privilege of seeing and touching. My hands knead each cheek as I kiss his thigh, before spreading him open and licking across his puckered hole. Edward moans and wiggles his ass slightly, pushing down into my face.

Chuckling, I licked slow circles around his opening, before pointing my tongue and pushing inside him. His warmth surrounds me and I spread his cheeks wider and fuck him with my tongue, pushing in and out of him with greater speed and forcefulness. Edward writhes and moans underneath me, grinding his ass into my face and pleading for more.

"Oh, Jake, God yes, more, please." He whines as I continue my assault on his perfect hole. He is beautiful when he is wanton like this, giving himself over to me completely. "Oh Jake, please, fuck me now please," he begs.

I continue to ravish his ass for a while longer before I acquisition and plant kisses on every surface of his body as I move up to his head. I take his mouth in mine and kiss him passionately, while lubing up my fingers and continuing to stretch him for me.

When I pick up the condom, Edward stays my hand, looking me in the eye, he shakes his head. "I want to feel all of you," he says, and I swallow harshly. I nod my acceptance and place the condom back on the side table, instead slicking myself up and placing my cock at his entrance.

"Are you sure?" I look him directly in the eyes as I ask, and he nods, a goofy smile taking over his face.

"Yes, I'm sure, we had the tests." I smile at that, we had been tested, and we had talked about becoming more intimate but I wanted to take it slow, especially after everything that had happened lately.

I push in slowly, taking my time as I always did, watching his face carefully for any signs of discomfort. But as usual there are none, we have a very healthy sex life and it takes very little to get him ready for me.

He wraps his legs around my waist, his feet digging into my butt as he pushes himself up and pulls me into him at the same time, wiggling slightly once I am flush to him. He circles his hips a few times in a slow motion, groaning at the feeling before speeding up, barely having me move in and out of him, but more like he is grinding himself on my cock, moaning and groaning at the feeling it is giving him. It isn't too bad on my end either, but as he continues the need to slam into him increases.

I had never felt this overwhelming need before it is like his grinding and panting are releasing something in me and I grab hold of his hips and still him, before pulling out quickly and slamming back in to him. We both grunt with the force of it, and I set a quick rhythm as I continue to pull out and slam back in to him.

"Fuck, yes, oh Jake yes, fuck me, just like that," his voice sounds rough as he begs me to continue. He rises up to meet me, slamming himself onto my cock. I sit up, throw his legs over my shoulder and grab hold of his hips, and begin slamming into him with total abandon, egged on by his wanton screams and pleas for more.

It is the first time I have been so rough with him, so totally lost in the sex. I fuck him with everything I have, and it isn't long before I feel the warm splash of his come hit my chest. His hole clenches around me in a rhythmic motion and pulls my orgasm from me as I pound into him, until I am spent. I collapse on top of him, panting, as he clutches to me, kissing every bit of skin he can reach, and mumbling.

I puld back slightly to listen to him and he has tears in his eyes as he continues to say, "thank you Jake, oh thank you Jake." I take hold of his face in my hands and turn him to look at me, smiling down at him.

"Why are you thanking me?" I ask, "that was the best sex of my life, I should be thanking you." He pouts a bit until I add, "I mean sex with you is always fantastic, but that was just, something else." He smiles at me and nods.

"I have to agree," he whispers, his voice cracking slightly.

"What's wrong baby?" I ask, brushing his hair back from his forehead.

"It was the first time I've ever been taken like that when I felt safe and secure, and really turned on. You made me come without touching me Jake. It was just fantastic. You astound me everyday." He yawns then and smiles slightly at me. He looks incredibly cute and sexy.

I go into the bathroom and get a wash cloth to clean him up, then clean myself up and snuggle down in bed with Edward. He wraps himself around me and tucks his head under my chin.

"I love you Jake," he whispers and then kisses my chest.

"I love you too, beautiful, now sleep," I reply and kiss his head. I feel him smile into my chest, before he yawns again, and I stay awake listening to his breathing even out as he falls asleep.


	32. Ten Years Later

**Thanks to Taloolahp for picking up where she left off and being my Beta again :D**

**Disclaimer: Ms Meyers owns Twilight and all its characters.**

**This is the last chapter of LtLA, I had actually finished it, but when my wonderful Beta asked for smut to be added I could not disagree. So thank Taloolahp for the smut.**

**Thank you to all who stuck with this, even after the long ass break.**

* * *

EPOV

**Ten Years Later**

I stretched out on the couch yawning as I tried to stay awake and wait for Jacob to get home. I still had trouble dealing with him being in danger everyday, thanks to his job, and it seemed to have gotten worse since he and Jasper were promoted. I missed the uniform, but still got to see it from time to time, in the bedroom.

Looking back, I'm still amazed at how my life has ended up. Happily married to the man I love, living next door to my family, Alice and Jasper and their daughter Stella and son Masen, the terrible twins of death, as I so fondly call them. I still tease Jasper about Masen's name, and remind him that he is lucky I changed my last name to Black.

We were even luckier that Alice agree to be a surrogate for us, and gave us, Billy Jnr. I adore being a father, almost as much as Jake does. I have never met a man so at ease with babies and toddlers as he is, and it makes him even sexier to me than before. The twins, now five, enjoy Jake as a jungle gym, being that he is so tall and muscular, and our own son, now one, loves to sleep on Jacob's chest.

I was adamant that we use Jacob as the father, I could think of nothing I would love more than a miniature version of my love, and I was right. My heart melts daily every time I look at our little Billy. Billy was able to meet his grandson, five months before he passed away, and I still miss my honorary father more than words can express. But the man gave me ten years of love and support and I could not love him more than if he was my own father.

Esme took a few years to come to terms with what she had done, not that she felt remorse for ending Sam's life, but for the grief it caused me and her family. Carlisle was so supportive of her, but he did resign from the hospital a month after the incident, and they moved to Forks, where he still works to this day. The pace of the small town hospital is much more to his liking, given age is catching up to them both. We drive down often so that the grand kids can spend lots of time with their grandparents.

Seth has become a part of the family and to everyone's surprise started dating Brady, they have been happy for the past six years, and Seth is as protective of Brady as Jake is of me. Seth finally told me he understood why Jake is the way he is, since he is now the same way. I couldn't be happier for them both, and Brady, after the first year of them being together has turned his life completely around. I always thought he was stronger than me though.

Alice and Jasper are the same as always. I make sure that Jasper and I have time just for ourselves so we can reconnect, and he can still read me with just a look. And Alice is more enthusiastic than ever, and Masen, much to everyone's surprise is the one that takes after her the most. Where as Stella is laid back and relaxed about life, and has a way of looking right into your soul when she stares at you, much like her father.

Our wedding was amazing, I managed to get away with a small ceremony, which we held on the Reservation, of all places. It took me some time to convince Jacob to have it there, and for me to explain my reasoning behind it. But I wanted that place to mean something to me besides pain and suffering. And though I will always remember my past, and the horror I endured, now the Reservation means love and protection to me. The land speaks of family and loyalty, and I now have peace when we visit.

Alice and Jasper's wedding, on the other hand, was massive and spectacular. It was everything one would think when they knew Alice. Jacob and I stood up for them, and to save arguments, because there were many, half way through the ceremony, Jacob and I switched sides. It caused quite a few giggles at the time, but it kept the peace.

Yes life was definitely great.

I was pulled from my memories, as I heard EJ's paws pad across the floor, heading for the front door, a sure sign Jacob was home. Jacob had insisted we get a dog, when we moved into the new place, to keep me company when he had to work late, or nights. It was a good move as EJ had kept me sane during times I thought I would lose it. It was hard for me at first being in the new place at night alone. I was twitchy for such a long time, that Alice had spent many a night in Jacobs spot in our bed.

Enter EJ, Jacob brought him home and the moment I saw him I fell in love. The Czechoslovakian wolf-dog puppy was trained by the boys in the Academy, and EJ turned out to be a fabulous guard dog. He barked only when someone unknown was on our property, and usually the bark was enough. The one time that someone was stupid enough to break into our house, Jacob was at work and I was in the shower at the time. I heard EJ barking, and quickly turned the shower off and dressed as fast as I could, by the time I was done, I walked out to find a strange man on our entry hall floor, EJ laying on his chest with his jaws wrapped firmly around the scared man's throat.

Needless to say I screamed like a girl and pressed the panic button Jacob had installed. Alice arrived first and actually took photo's of the poor robber, and laughed at his stupidity, taunting him until Jacob, Jasper and what looked like half the police force arrived. When Alice arrived, and started to mock the man, I had sunken to the floor and froze, it was not until Jacob had his arms around me that I finally came around. I can laugh at it now, but at the time I was terrified.

The photographs that Alice had taken were now pinned to a board in the Precinct, and a copy was hanging in our entryway.

"Hey baby," Jacob's voice penetrated the fog of memories, and I shook my head before smiling at him. He looked so handsome, it seemed like everyday he became more and more good looking. "What ya thinking about?"

"I was actually thinking about lots of things tonight, our wedding, and the time EJ caught that burglar a couple of them." I replied and sighed as Jacob sat beside me and pulled me into his arms.

"That was funny. You know people still enquire about those pictures, gives us boys at the station a good laugh. I tell perps all the time, that I will be happy to bring in EJ for a show and tell." Jacob's rich laughter filled the room, and EJ jumped up onto the couch to cuddle with him. "How's Billy, did he go down well tonight?" he asked as his laughter died down.

"Yeah, he has been sleeping well lately, thankfully." I sighed again, as I sunk further into his embrace. "Did you eat, love?"

"Yes, Jasper and I stopped at that burger joint he likes, and we had a quick meal before heading home," he smiled and kissed me, just a peck, "wasn't sure if you would feel like cooking."

"Yes well, I did cook, but I suppose you can take the left overs for lunch tomorrow," I said, with mock annoyance.

"Well, how can I make it up to you, baby." His voice was rich and husky and he leaned down and nibbled my ear lobe.

"Take me to bed and we can discuss it." I batted my eyelashes at him, causing him to groan softly in my ear.

Making love to Jake had never become routine, even after all this time, he could still make me scream his name. He stripped me tenderly before removing his own clothes. I always preferred him to take his own clothes off, he would always do a little hip thrusting and slowly peel his pants off. I adored it, and it also helped that my man was hot, all smooth, tanned skin and muscle.

I lay myself out on the bed, spread out for him the way I knew drove him insane, and watched as he stalled in his little mating dance, before giving up and throwing his clothes off, jumping onto the bed.

"You are so damn sexy Mr Black," his whispered in my ear, as his body moved sensually over mine.

"Why thank you Mr Black, you're not so bad yourself," I replied and then moaned loudly as his cock rubbed against mine more forcefully. Jake smiled and kissed me, just a quick peck, before moving down my body.

Jake sucked my nipple into his mouth, his teeth gently nipping it, then he would sooth it with his tongue. My fingers wound into his hair and held him down as I thrashed underneath him, my cock now rubbing against his stomach. "Please, Jake, more," I begged as he moved down my body and my fingers slipped from his hair, to curl into the sheet. His tongue swirled in my belly button before moving on, he kissed the head of my cock, and pulled back chuckling as I tried to thrust into his mouth. "Cock tease," I muttered as he moved further down.

His hands pushed my legs further apart, and he hooked them over his shoulder, lowering himself down. His hands moved up to my ass and pulled the cheeks apart, and I moaned just at the thought of what was to come.

He blew a cold breath over my hole, before moving in and running his tongue around the edge in a slow swirl. I tried to push my ass into his face but he held me still as he continued to lavish me with his tongue, teasing me into an incoherent mess. When I was babbling, my head shaking back and forth and pleas for more spilling forth, he pushed his tongue inside me, fucking me with his tongue. Jake was very talented with his tongue.

I was pushing myself down onto him, trying to get more, more friction, more of Jake, more of everything, when his hand stilled me again, and he reached the other hand up and stuck his fingers in my mouth. I sucked, hard, nipping them and rolling my tongue between the digits. Jake's tongue thrusted more forcefully into me as he moaned, the vibrations adding even more pleasure to my already overloaded system.

He said nothing though, and brought his hand down from my mouth, gently adding a finger to the process. I loved it when he did this, fucking me with his tongue and fingers at the same time. He added one at first, syncing them both, his finger gaining more depth than his tongue, then he added a second finger, and my legs spread open more, automatically, to give him more room.

"I love it when you do that Jake, oh God, please, need you in me now," I screamed, as he continued to thrust into me, harder and faster. He chuckled, before pulling away, knowing the vibrations drove me insane, and smiled up at me as his fingers continued their assault.

"God, you look so hot like that baby, all spread out and wanton for me, I love you so much," he said as he leaned down awkwardly and kissed me, his fingers never stopping in their duty. He leaned over and grabbed the lube off the side table, using one hand to flip the lid and squirt it over his throbbing cock.

"Look how talented you are," I said as I thrust down onto his fingers. I often marvelled at how far we had come with our sex life, as now we were able to banter, all the while making each other insane with need.

"I will show you exactly how talented I am, Mr Black, when I fuck you into the mattress," he punctuated that comment with a sharp thrust of his fingers, adding a fourth just to prove a point. I let out a cross between a moan and a groan, but Jake continued to thrust a few more times, while lubing up his cock, then he removed his fingers and in a quick movement was balls deep inside of me.

"Oh," I grunted out, "so it's gonna be that kind of night," I managed to get out before he pounded into me, in quick movements, changing his angle until I shouted out my pleasure and my fingers turned white as they gripped the sheet below me.

"I thought you deserved a treat," he said, his voice husky as he continued to do exactly what he said he would and fuck me into the mattress, and he knew I loved him the most like this, when he would let go, and treat me like an equal, like someone that was not ever damaged.

"God I love you so much, husband mine," I moaned as he continued to pound my prostate with ever hard and fast thrusts. "Yes, oh God yes, fuck me Jake, make me cum."

No more words were spoken, the only noise in the room was flesh slapping against flesh and moans and grunts from the both of us. My legs dropped from his shoulders and wrapped around his waist as he held onto my hips and thrust forcefully into me, my cock bouncing wildly against my stomach. As we climbed to our climax I could feel the connection between us, it was almost tangible, the way he could read me, know exactly what I needed and when I needed it. I had never been more in love and the best part was that everyday that love grew and blossomed.

I came with a scream, as I usually did when he got this way, my cock completely untouched, my releases spilling between us. My ass convulsed with the force of it and Jake groaned as he thrust a few more times before falling over the edge. "It's so fucking hot when you cum, without touch," his whispered, voice hoarse as he fell onto me.

"Mhrrmmm," was all I could say as I curled into him. He reached over for the wipes and rolled off of me, cleaning first me and then himself, and then pulled me back to him so I could curl up again.

"I love you, Edward," he said into my ear before kissing my temple.

"I love you too, Jake." I replied, kissing my favourite spot on his body, his chest.

As I relaxed into the man I love, my body coming down from the high of making love to my husband, I could not be happier with the way my life turned out.

I truly learned to live again.


End file.
